Argument with EX wife over gift giving for the children.

[As78]

Hi, dad here in need of some advice about me and my ex wife's different views on Christmas presents. Apologies if it's too long, I'm just trying to explaine the whole issue with all details.

4 children 12, 9, 7 & 5, for Christmas ex wife follows the something you want, something you need, something to wear & something to read method of gift giving, so each child will get 4 gifts, as an example my 9 year old got

Want - slime
Need - swim goggles.
Wear- t shirt
Read- book (not sure what book)

I do not follow this method of gift giving, it was ex wife's turn to have the kids on Christmas day so today I celebrated Christmas with my gf, my parents, her parents, both sets of siblings & the kids, so as you can imagine there was a lot more gifts. Around July time my ex spoke to me and asked me to follow her method of gift giving, I told her I wouldn't be doing this as we just needed to agree to disagree and respect each other's ways of doing things, she wouldn't let it drop and we ended up having an argument resulting in me refusing to discuss the issue with her anymore, I collected the kids at 8am this morning and she asked to have a private word, she proceeded to once again bring the issue up and ask that I only give the children 4 gifts, I was in no mood to speak about this again so I just walked away.

Ex also doesn't do santa, In my house we do santa, not all the gifts are from him, just 1 gift and the stocking, it's just a bit of fun really. The kids had their gifts from me, 1 santa gift and then gifts from my parents and siblings, my gf and her family also got presents for them, it sounds like a lot but the kids each filled a box full of toys/books to donate to chairty at the end of novemeber to make room for new toys.

Kids have spoke to mum on the phone and she's now called me in a mood telling me how out of order I am and that I'm going against her wishes, now I've remained calm on this matter and bit my tongue, then eventually just refusing to speak about it but I've finally snapped today on the phone and told her that's she's just annoyed because I'm giving the kids a good Christmas whilst on Xmas day they sat at hers with nothing more than a tshirt and some slime (it's not a money issue, she has money) now I shouldn't have snapped but I was at braking point with her being controlling and trying to tell me how to raise my kids on my time (50/50 custody) she has now text me to say that the kids aren't to bring any of the presents they have received to her house and they have all to stay at mine permanently, the kids usually bring favourite items between houses so this is going to be an issue.

I don't even know what I'm asking, has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to move forward with this situation? My gf bought eldest some popular spray and skin items and I already know she's going to want to bring them between houses, no idea how to tell the kids they can't do this as it's their presents and they should be allowed to do as they please with them.

@As78 The skincare is fine and not remotely the point of the thread so ignore all the ridiculous comments.

Sure, because there's no way a man could possibly be the reasonable one in any situation.

Or maybe she's just being a dick.

You need to get the kids to call their mother and she tells them they can't take their gifts home to hers. With you present to support them through the fall out obviously. If she doesn't want to be the bad guy then they take them home.

My ex took the kids shopping to choose their gifts a few days before Christmas and asked for and was given a list of the things I'd already got them and he proceeded to try and duplicate most of these items (isn't it funny how Daddy got the same Lego as Santa?). Thankfully it was a very general list and the Lego sets that got duplicated made my Son very happy because he now has a droid army. And my daughter's horse toys have some lovely accessories. Your GFs gifts sound lovely, my 8yo recently started wanting to do a night time routine so I just give her some of my face wash and moisturizer as they are good, gentle brands.

This is what I was just about to say.

My 9 year old has SdJ sprays, they’re harmless. She has no phone, no SM, and was delighted to get them.

i don’t understand why you should be the ones to tell the kids they can’t take them home?

It’s her rule, she’s the messenger. Why won’t she tell them?

She’s being a total dick and a control freak. She needs to own her own mess.

Why would you do that?

Tbh I can see why she would want to keep presents minimal especially with 4 kids - there must be an insane amount of stuff which can be totally overwhelming. Christmas should be about the day and not just about the presents, and it does teach kids to appreciate what they have more when they aren't bombarded by more and more. And really tbh if I was her I would want extra stuff to be kept with you, if that was me trying hard to declutter and more and more keeps coming back

But it's not fair to cause stress to you or your children like them bringing xmas presents between houses. You both have to figure out a compromise. Could you cut back on the amount of gifts, whilst still doing a fun xmas/doing it your way, and in turn she agrees to drop the whole 'all gifts at your house'thing?

Is it her who does most of the sorting/getting rid of/decluttering of their things or do you do any?

She can't dictate how you parent though and it does sound like she is doing so.

Exactly! She sounds like a controlling killjoy and I would be telling her to jog on

I'd also like to hear the other side - which I suspect would be not having enough money to buy 4 children what they want, not wanting a couple of noisy toys in the house and a 12 year old, who is not quite a teenager yet, having easier access to the internet.

I wouldnt stop kids bringing a favourite toy in the house but I might complain to you about it.

Why will it be binned? I assume your DS likes the present and will want to use it?!

She's not short on money and has just recently bought herself a new range rover, money is no problem for her. 12 year old has a phone so she has access to the Internet already, an iPad is really just a big phone, and of she has a problem with having to listen to some little toy monkeys babble then she really shouldn't have chosen to have children.

Just to clear things up for the people asking if it's a money issue, she is not short of money, she has just bought herself a new range rover, she has no morage to pay (I do) I let her have the family home on the agreement that once the kids are grown and moved out that it gets sold and we split the money. She works part time and also had a very large inheritance from a family member, I don't pay maintenance as I have the kids half of the time but I buy clothes, school stuff, pay for hobbies and school trips etc, she's only been doing christmas like this for the past 5 years since she became a fan of the YouTube family.

I should be somewhere in the middle/ on the wall with this... I do the less presents thing, but that's because they have something decent they want or need rather than lots of spenny shit.
This year they had hardly anything as we had a once-in-a-lifetime holiday in October and they knew we were all calling that our Xmas present together 💕💕 But youngest still got their first device (thank you colleague selling it off cheap!!) and others got headphones they wanted and needed.

My ExH earns 5x my salary and gives them a tonne of absolute shit when he sees them (he sees them less than 2 days a month averaged out). Just shit. Things you'd get for someone you'd never met on a sweep of the Boots sale- oooh socks and a body wash for an 8 year old, whoop! And I hate having all that crap carted back to my house after a day out for the kids to ask me to give it to charity after a year of it knocking around their room...

But she sounds like a fun sponge! No Santa is really properly shitty behaviour unless it is a cultural or religious thing.

Allow the children to see who she really is, whilst just carrying on doing what you do.

Something doesn’t add up to me. For example, you say your girlfriend bought your 12 year old ‘special spray and skin items’? Do you mean make up and skincare/anti-aging products? Is your ex wife not in agreement with your daughter using these until she is older?

Is the blending of families feeling fast for your ex wife?

Because it’s awful stuff? Obviously I wouldn’t ´just’ bin it but I’ve said that we don’t use products like that in this house, and whilst I can’t tell him not to use it at ex husband s house, it’s not to be used here. I prefer that he showers properly twice a day, wears clean clothes and uses quality toiletry products. Spraying teenagers with Lynx to mask poor hygiène is not parenting.

As it’s my home, and not a radical view point, I’m happy to have my own rules for my own home.

In this case, just keep the stuff at Ops house. It’s 50/50 and the stuff is still going to get used. For the younger children, I’d say something about the monkey’s home being with you. I don’t see why you’re so opinionated about what she does/doesn’t do at her house. Similarly she shouldnt have told you how to celebrate your Christmas.

No not anti ageing products, just popular teenage girl face wash and body sprays. My wife changed as a person, she started getting in to a yourube family and started following the way they parent, it caused problems with our marriage and we split up, I did nothing wrong and I remained in the family home after the birth of my youngest so that I could do mt share of the newborn stage. My wife found a new partner sooner than I did so she can't think it's too soon, I waited a year before I let my gf meet the kids, the kids get on great with her and she's not trying to take their mothers place, she does buy them presents and her parents do adore the kids.

Buying a car capable of transporting 4 growing children does not mean she has plenty of money. And 2 new toys will be making a lot of noise - if you've never been grateful for the batteries running out then you are not spending 50% of the time with your kids you're getting someone else (the gf?) to parent them part of the time.

My kid didnt have a smart phone at 12. Have you put any parental controls on the ipad?

I know my ex wife's financial circumstances, she's well off. And nope I replace the batteries in my kids toys when they run out as I enjoy seeing my kids happy. And no my GF does not parent my kids, I spend 50% of the time with them and their loud toys. Every child in my 12 year old class has a smartphone, she's almost 13. And yes both her phone and iPad have parent controls and screen time limits on them. Any other questions you'd like to ask to desperately try and make out that I'm a bad dad?

Oh come on, a new Range Rover is not just “a car capable of transporting four children”. It’s not an efficient or cheap car, it’s a car which people only buy if they have plenty of money!

The other points you raise don’t seem to be relevant to the central issue which is that the mother doesn’t want ANY of her kids’ presents to come back to her house because they don’t fit into her somewhat bizarre and rigid rules.

If you have the kids 50% of the time then I don’t see the big deal about them taking the toys etc home. Just use them at your house and she can use stuff she buys at her house.

OP you don’t need to defend or justify yourself to people like this.

It's sad to see that some of you are desperately trying to make out that I'm a terrible parent purely because I'm a dad. Yeah my wife buys herself a brand new range rover whilst getting her kid a tub of slime for Christmas day but I'm apparently the problem. I'm off to tell my older kids that they aren't allowed to bring their presents back to mums, thank you for all the helpful comments, I will update later.

You are not in the wrong here

Some of the women responding on here are an embarrassment.

I can understand she would not want a whole pile more stuff at her house. I am sure this is what she meant, not that they can’t bring one favourite item when they are with her then take it away again. No doubt she wouldn’t mind the twelve year old’s skin care coming and going in her makeup or wash-bag.

As for the differences between you regarding the type and quantity of presents you each give the children, does she by any chance think you are spoiling them? Or think you are trying to be competitive?

She does seem to maybe be making too much fuss.