To cancel Christmas for all future years?

[Dumbiamnot]

My Xmas Day was terrible. DS10 is an extremely bright and capable child and he is autistic. This is a recipe for a terrible Christmas and it’s just not worth it.

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents, the next few hours complaining that the presents weren’t right (he chose what we bought but has such particular requirements for Everything, it’s impossible to get right), then he ate and played games - all was good for a few hours, then he ended the day with an almighty meltdown because he was overstimulated as we were out of routine, we were eating different food etc. etc. My younger DS just loves it all so I feel guilty cancelling Christmas but I CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN!

This is pretty much repeated every year but with slight variation for how long he is distressed for. If I’m honest with myself? Christmas always causes him (and therefore us) distress.

YABU - don’t cancel Christmas
YANBU - cancel Christmas

You have a younger child who is excited by Christmas, so no, you can't cancel it.

Make it more low key if needed, but don't cancel it all. Your poor younger DS could end up resenting his older brother if you did.

You can't sacrifice your younger dc for the older one. Immediate suggestions, let your dc open his presents when he wants, and perhaps you need to revisit how you do things - take ds to the shops a couple of days before and just let him choose all his presents so he gets the exact thing? Let him eat his safe normal food while the rest of you have xmas dinner.

My dcs are autistic/adhd so i get it. Our Christmases are very low key.

Maybe not cancel it, but restructure to see if it meets needs better?

Can you ask for the links to the specific items so that way you can't buy the wrong item?

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents

What happened here? Why couldn't he open them first thing? Virtually all kids want to open their presents straight away rather than wait hours

That seems like a dramatic over reaction tbh.

But you can make changes - can your ds choose the exact presents he wants next year? As in, pick the exact things out in a shop or online. And can he eat something more "normal" and follow a normal routine?

I’m sorry as it sounds really hard but you can’t cancel because of your younger ds.

The only reason I chose the YABU option was because of your younger DS who loves Christmas.
Is it possible to change things up a bit for future years though? Maybe take your older one shopping for his Christmas presents in November, he gets to choose the presents so they are to his requirements.

Also, if he wants to eat the same as he usually would, why not let him? You could make the usual Christmas food for everyone else, then make the food that he usually eats on a normal day.

My now 20 year old is autistic and Christmas has always looked a little different to the norm here, but it’s possible to still have a good day for everyone, you just have to change your expectations.

Hang in there OP, it’s a tough job being an autism mum.

And my DS has eaten chicken nuggets for xmas day his entire life. No shame in that.

As above.

Children who have siblings with additional needs usually have their needs sidelined to a certain extent, which is unavoidable in some scenarios but incredibly hard for the child regardless.

Christmas is something your younger child loves - taking it away to accommodate his sibling would be a massive indication that he comes second at a time of year all his friends will be enjoying it.

I wouldn’t think you can cancel Christmas since you’ve a younger child. Can you do things like let him eat food he eats everyday instead if traditional Christmas dinner. Could he research his Christmas presents and tell you the exact brand/model he wants. Maybe time for him to chill in his room for a while ?

Or maybe you’ve tried all this already.

He is getting to the age he can decide for himself how he spends the day and what food he eats.

Next year, set him a budget and let him order his own presents online so he gets the exact things he wants, and give him the choice of spending time in his room if that is what he prefers.

The rest of the world has celebrations. He has to learn to coexist with that or how will he ever live with anyone?

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents

Why make him wait? Universally kids want to open their presents first thing - it’s literally the best bit of Christmas for them and what most of the build up has been about.

Cancelling Christmas is unfair on your younger child. Just chalk this one up to a learning experience and use it to change the way you do things next year.

What would you do / not do if you “cancel Christmas”? Christmas will still happen, the shops will still be closed. You’ll still have to eat, people will still wish you a happy Christmas and some will send you cards. There will be an elephant in the room about presents.

What exactly are you proposing? You could, i suppose, forbid the word to be said.

Time to get a grip and discuss with your family what you all want

Why did he have to wait for hours to open his presents. I have an 8 yr old waiting assessment for autism and ADHD, I feel like meeting her and her younger sister’s needs to a constant learning curve.

We tried to keep December low key but I don’t think we managed that this well this year. What helps your oldest? Time table of what’s happening on the run up to christmas, time table of the day, social stories, ensuring sensory needs are meet in the run up to the day and on the day it’s self?

I don’t know what it’s like to have an autistic child but I do wanna ask a question do autistic children get away with being rude about what you’ve bought as presents? saying it’s not quite right a Neurotypical person would not get away with that so why are they allowed to be disrespectful about what presents you have bought?

You can get the balance right. My DH is autistic and it's overwhelming. We decided no gifts, little TV or music safe foods and no visitors/visiting. He was up at 5am doing his hobbies, I got up at 9. We had coffee, rang round the relatives. Did a roast. Watched a carry on film. I went to bed at 9, he stayed up till midnight. Same today he is in his workshop hobbling, I'm in front room on Mumsnet ( three hours now, I should have a shower and get dressed). What am I saying? Just let him be, don't try to make him conform to what you think your day should be.

Why did he need to wait 3 hours for presents? We do them first thing at home, because there is no way my autistic kids would cope with waiting. No presents under the tree until they are in bed the night before, or the anticipation is too much. Why do the presents have to be a surprise? Why cannot he eat his usual food? It feels like there are some quick wins here to improve everyone's day.

Another person asking why can’t they open presents first thing?

I’ve got an autistic 17 with a love/hate relationship with Christmas. She loves some aspects but others are really challenging. We do have to allow concessions so we can all enjoy it. Yesterday our big family meal was cancelled due to sickness in the hosting party. DD got to mooch about at her own pace and had a great day. It is hard work constantly checking what she wants to eat, what social stuff she feels she can cope with. Presents have to be exactly what she requested. But we have made it work and do have some lovely memories despite the stress.

Yabu, it gets better as they get older and you can't make everything about the one child. My eldest dc is autistic and quite frankly no way was I making our lives all about her, she was expected to fit in with us and her sister. (Yes there was many hiccups to my master plan but our autism specialist from when she was 2 gave me the advice that it was my job as a parent to teach her to fit in with society because society won't be changing to fit in with her, she's 25 and independent.). Don't let them dictate to you what to buy etc

This seems like an overreaction. I have a dd with asd and she opened her presents and cried because she was overwhelmed. We knew this could happen, reassured her and moved on. If it’s not working though, you need to change it. so why is he asking to open his presents for hours? Just let him open them. If the presents are not right try a different approach. Dds senco was telling me about a family where there are no surprises and all presents were bought together and then wrapped. It may feel wrong, but might actually help your ds to know exactly what he is getting. There were some great examples of ND buffets on the Christmas dinner thread - does he have to eat something different or can you guy’s have a Christmas dinner and he have something familiar? Basically we found things got easier when we went with the flow of what dd needed rather than holding on to rigid ideas about how things should be done. We still had a lovely Christmas and so did she.

All 3 DC are ASD and the youngest is the worst. But Christmas happens every year and they need to learn to deal with it.

Make any reasonable adjustments you can. Allowing him to open his presents first thing is an easy one, you know they can't wait. We never wrapped presents which he didn't know he was getting, and found that just leaving them lying around for him to find was less stressful than handing him a present to open with the expectations that brings.

All kids whine about their gifts that miss the mark until they learn better manners, just stay calm. And only get him what he expressly wants, giving them something they didn't ask for is stressful even if they will like it because its more unexpected to deal with.

It will get better.

You can make a Christmas that is autism and NT friendly. I'm sure your nt child wouldn't mind opening presents earlier or a simpler meal, or thier sibling being allowed to go to thier room for chill time, whilst they got some undivided attention.

My nt child said he really liked our more relaxed autusm friendly Christmas and his friends schedules sounded frantic and not as fun. It took a few years to settle in to it though.

Is it worth trying to modify the day? For example - Buy the presents with him and don’t wrap them. Let him eat and wear whatever he wants. Let him spend time in his room when the bits he doesn’t like happen, even if that means he misses the meal. Get him a computer game or something he loves that will keep him busy all day.

No it would be ludicrously selfish to cancel it altogether for the younger sibling but also for him. Certainly switch things up though- can you keep elements of his routine and usual food? Something else with presents etc.