To cancel Christmas for all future years?

[Dumbiamnot]

My Xmas Day was terrible. DS10 is an extremely bright and capable child and he is autistic. This is a recipe for a terrible Christmas and it’s just not worth it.

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents, the next few hours complaining that the presents weren’t right (he chose what we bought but has such particular requirements for Everything, it’s impossible to get right), then he ate and played games - all was good for a few hours, then he ended the day with an almighty meltdown because he was overstimulated as we were out of routine, we were eating different food etc. etc. My younger DS just loves it all so I feel guilty cancelling Christmas but I CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN!

This is pretty much repeated every year but with slight variation for how long he is distressed for. If I’m honest with myself? Christmas always causes him (and therefore us) distress.

YABU - don’t cancel Christmas
YANBU - cancel Christmas

As PP have said, why not open presents first thing in the morning? That's what we do and what I thought almost everyone did? Can't see why you would make an autistic child wait if it is going to cause stress and over stimulation.

Also, why not take him shopping and/or shop online with him so he chooses his exact present, and then just supplement with a few very small surprises. We do that every though my kids are neurotypical. They want a particular Star Wars LEGO set, not just any LEGO set, or any Star Wars LEGO set. The fun of being surprised is outweighed by the disappointment if you get it wrong.

There are lots of tips for reducing stress levels for ND children at Christmas - one in particular that I can think of that might help you is not to wrap their presents at all (or only to wrap them in something clear that they can see through) and give them all their presents in a box for them to "open" when they choose. Do you have any support from school or similar, do they do parenting courses for parents of ND children? Our school does, the sessions are very popular and apparently very helpful.

This is interesting and I think approaches to autism may have changed since your dd was little, as you and I are basically advocating for opposite approaches. Not a criticism by the way, but I just find it interesting that 15-20 years later the advice being given to me is quite different. Complicated even more by autism being such a broad spectrum.

Why make him wait to open his presents? This is the first thing we do. Mind you, you do then have an hour wresting to get everything out of the boxes and then the rest of the day wishing you'd bought batteries and running around with a screwdriver.

I am beyond over the Christmas lunch though. One pot wonder and done next year, or maybe even a buffet. I can't and won't be arsed next time.

My 19 year old DD is autistic, and struggles massively with Christmas so we make it low key for her, while still having a fun day for everyone else.

She gets so anxious about the day that she ends up overwhelmed, over stimulated and on the verge of tears for most of the build up.

She chooses her own presents and we buy exactly what she asks for. The most stressful part is presents for her - she’s not great at getting presents, never knows how she should react to them, how to act, worries that people will think she’s ungrateful if she doesn’t get it right, and finds masking surprise and happiness exhausting. She knows what she’s got in advance so there’s no surprise. Sounds miserable, but I’ve learnt from experience, surprises aren’t enjoyable for her and worrying about it just spoils it all for her.

I always make sure there’s a couple of her safe foods on her plate - fish fingers and scampi are an odd addition to Christmas dinner granted, but it avoids the food stress as she knows there’s something she’ll eat without worrying about it.

I give her plenty of ‘outs’ so she can take 5 minutes to breathe. Walk the dog, take the rubbish out, she gets fancy toiletries in her stocking so she can have a nice shower and a chill in her room, etc.

I wouldn’t cancel Christmas; and it is hard, but we’ve made some compromises over the years that work well for DD without impacting everyone else.

How much is your younger child going to need to sacrifice over the years to accommodate the eldest? I wouldn't sacrifice his Christmas.

Different families have different rules and expectations.

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents

Why couldn't he? He's waited until Christmas Day, Christmas Day is when you open presents, why make him wait until an arbitrary later time (arbitrary as in why is later ok but earlier is not)? I've never understood this tbh.

I think getting the balance is important as I really do feel that bending to every ND child's whim is going to end up in them never being able to thrive in a society that's not going to do the same when they're grown up. Like my friends DC who gets driven around five different shops for five hours as he wants a very specific Pokémon card and he's screaming at them otherwise. I fear he'll never be able to live independently if he's infantilised and his expectations aren't managed in a safe way.

Of course you can't cancel Christmas - you have a younger child to think about.

But you can (and should) restructure your day to set DS up for success rather than failure. Don't make him wait hours to open gifts, let him write a specific list and don't deviate from it (so if you can't get X, don't get an alternative, just buy something else off the list instead) and let him eat his usual "safe" foods while you all have Christmas Dinner.

In our family, we have always had:

• someone who just wants pasta, so they have Christmas pasta which is identical to the pasta they always have, except hurray it's Christmas!
• someone who really needs it to be ok for them to go to their room and read so they have Christmas books hurray
• someone who wants turkey and all the trimmings and hats, so they have that hurray it's Christmas!
• someone who needs to go outside every day for a long walk or run or tears will surely follow it's a Christmas run hurray!
• and so on

Letting go of ideas of Christmas as an external performance we all need to live up to, and instead firmly thinking of it as a time we are allowed to enjoy as a particular family has really helped us. Just really determinedly liking the people in our family and valuing their individual personalities (as I'm sure you do too!!), so letting our Christmas be a sort of emergent property of the family, has really helped us. Maybe it can help you a bit too. Happy Christmas.

You cannot cancel Xmas because of your other son . It's not fair to him .

That's exactly what I thought!

No you can't cancel Christmas that's completely unfair. Also another one asking, why make him wait to open his presents?? 🙁

I have 2 autistic kids, I had a bad day too and it was my own birthday as well. My dad is elderly and made the day hard as well. I am glad its all over. I don't do gifts on the day, the kids get their gifts that they choose themselves all through December.

All kids want to open their presents immediately - mine have opened theirs within 20 minutes of getting up! It’s normal kid behaviour so make life easier and just let them do that! You don’t have to abide by rules and set times for things, make your day work for your family.

Making your child wait to open their presents was always going to lead to a meltdown, the first thing children do when they get up is want to open their presents.

Another one here intrigued as to why he had to wait for hours to open his presents?

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/christmas-resources

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/leisure-and-going-out/christmas/tips

I wondered this too.
I imagine he was agitated by the wait so that, by the time he opened them, underwhelmed.
And yes, I do have autistic DC.

oh also, serve them the same food they like as normal, why force them to change? Mine had their chicken nuggets and cheese sandwiches.

Can you try letting him plan the Christmas Day routine? When to open presents, when to eat etc. Basically get the family to follow his routine for the day?

you just need to work around it. Now I let DD sleep in, she opens presents and then disappears. She eats dinner with us but she has pasta and was on great form last night. We have dinner now when she normally has hers.
She then went off again and came back to watch wallace and gromit later. Calmest Christmas we have had yet.
She had a minor meltdown and there’s been a few stressed in the last week about it coming up but she’s done well.
I think you need to just fit around them rather than them fitting around a new routine for one day.

Because it is a social communication disorder. A core feature is not understanding social rules or communicating in the same way as others. This is a bit like saying I don't have a deaf child but when they don't hear something why do they get away with it?
That's not to say some autistic people can't learn these rules and learn appropriate responses but not all can.

My son has learned to say thank you, that's really thoughtful and I appreciate it, but he sounds like a robot so it's not very convincing.

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents

Ridiculous to make him wait.

And why change his food? Go
ive him what he is used to.