To cancel Christmas for all future years?

[Dumbiamnot]

My Xmas Day was terrible. DS10 is an extremely bright and capable child and he is autistic. This is a recipe for a terrible Christmas and it’s just not worth it.

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents, the next few hours complaining that the presents weren’t right (he chose what we bought but has such particular requirements for Everything, it’s impossible to get right), then he ate and played games - all was good for a few hours, then he ended the day with an almighty meltdown because he was overstimulated as we were out of routine, we were eating different food etc. etc. My younger DS just loves it all so I feel guilty cancelling Christmas but I CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN!

This is pretty much repeated every year but with slight variation for how long he is distressed for. If I’m honest with myself? Christmas always causes him (and therefore us) distress.

YABU - don’t cancel Christmas
YANBU - cancel Christmas

i you ignore the behaviour they just end up traumatised and feeling unloved and uncared for.

If you're going to ignore the behaviour, you're a shitty parent. HTH!

He will be 11 next year talk him through the plan....we will choose exactly what you want as a gift. Your own regular food we are having different, stick to routine times for him even if you eat later, encourage him to use a chill out space for melt downs so on the day he can go there. Keep it low key as much as possible but give your youngest his Christmas

It's your idea that the cook is cooking all day, and your idea that the cook isn't allowing anyone to do anything else. I haven't said either of those things. They're from your imagination. And I specifically said it probably wasn't appropriate in this circumstance.

In case you think I am the cook who is "cooking all day" and "not allowing anyone to do anything" - I've never cooked a Christmas dinner in my life.

Yes, in my first post I said this wasn't appropriate. (I was responding to someone who thought it was abnormal for any family to have present opening later than first thing, by saying why some families do it that way.) I should have repeated it in every post since I can't expect anyone to remember what I said in a previous post.

I am not advocating that an autistic child should be made to wait to open their presents. I never have advocated this, and I am not doing so now.

No, don't cancel Christmas!

Try social stories to make the day more familiar before you get to it.

We would talk about Father Christmas and how he left stockings. That there might be things in it you like and might be things in it you don't but there will always be chocolate. And that this is ok.

On the day we would make a joke about the gifts, and say 'what do you think? Will it be a good one? And then laugh with them in a slap stick way if it was a 'miss'. Sort of, oh no, he's got this one wrong hasn't he ? hahaha.

Wrap his main presents in cellophane so he can see them.

Let him open his gifts early if he needs.

Factor in lots of quiet low stimulation time. Have a place where it's decoration and noise free for them to go to recharge.

Give him his normal comfort foods alongside whatever you are eating. No expectation of him trying new foods, just make them available so he's included.

Don't expect him to be at the table just run with what he can cope with. A big Christmas table can be daunting.

Reduce loud noises, I used to remove the bang from crackers.

My autistic young people always loved Christmas as children. But it was a lot of adjusting the environment to suit them. If others came over then visitors fitted in with us not the other way around.

I think they need reassurance that it's ok to feel unsure. It's ok to need time away from family and stimulation. It's ok not to try new foods. It's ok not to engage with visitors. They need to know you are ok with them doing what they need to do to enjoy the day.

This is pretty much repeated every year but with slight variation for how long he is distressed for.

And yet you appear to have carried on with the same routine every time expecting a different result. Hiw bizarre.

He has a disability. Stop trying to make him do something impossible for him. Make some adjustments and let him have the day he wants while you do what suits your preferences. It's really not that complicated. I think the whole tone of your post is really unpleasant, blaming him when as the adult you admit this has happened year after year yet you've learned nothing and not adapted things to make it better.

I hope this "specialist" is no longer working. Their views thoroughly contradict all academic research on the topic. The approach you have described has been shown to cause immense psychological damage, and is extremely cruel.

Same here, I read all these threads and stay away, and wonder what would happen if you just ignore the child’s behaviour instead. Would they eventually adapt because they were not getting attention?

Yeah, ignore a child's disability and needs arising from that and therefore put them in distress and then ignore the distress and hope this will make their disability go away. Great plan! The only way they will "adapt" to this is to develop significant mental health problems, and probably go "no contact" with you for your abusive behaviour.

Exactly this. Adapt to survive but still let
Your younger child have their Christmas. Autism is tricky sometimes, plan for the inevitable meltdown. Take it in turns to deal with it whilst the other helps the younger child carry on having a nice time. It is so hard for parents and siblings but there are families bumbling through it all over the country. Planning is your key.

This.

Things happen. Sometimes unexpectedly. Christmas regularly happens, as expected by the whole western world.

How do these kids who cope with opening a present or seeing their family grow up into functioning adults? Or maybe they don't, I don't know. There's a whole thread in talking about causes and what we're doing in society to make this so common.

Writing from a hotel room where 2 kids (boys who looked about 9-10) are screaming the place down since 07:00. Parents intermittently shushing them but clearly ineffective. Shit parenting is my view but no doubt I'll be told to be kind and respect their differences

No of course not.

Agreed.

Op your being unreasonable to ask kids to wait to open presents.
I'm going to assume this was for Granny's benefit, sorry you have to put the kids first and let them open first thing. Let Granny bring her gift with her.

If it's Dad who was working then you might need to switch things round. I know a family who open presents when mum finishes nightshift, or if they are doing day shift everyone is up early to do presents before Mum goes out to work. Not ideal but making kids wait is silly.

Christmas Day is not the time to be teaching patience, resilience or any other life lessons.

I don't know why people are saying you cant cancel just because of your younger child...you can't cancel for your autistic child either. I'm sure he liked much of the day. Find a schedule and routine on the day that works for everyone. You know your eldest best - work to mitigate the most likely trouble spots.

I don't think you can, or should, 'cancel' Christmas Day. That wouldn't be fair in your other child. You probably do need to look at how you structure the day more though and adjust it accordingly.

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents

Let him open his gifts when he crosses, even if it's 'too early' and he's having to do it alone.

the next few hours complaining that the presents weren’t right (he chose what we bought but has such particular requirements for Everything, it’s impossible to get right),

Reduced what he gets in Christmas Day. Instead take him out and to choose the exact gifts, either before or after, with a strict budget and expectations set beforehand.

then he ate and played games - all was good for a few hours,

All good :) Take this time to relax yourself, take the pressure off yourself and relax your own expectations of or what you think a 'perfect' day is.

then he ended the day with an almighty meltdown because he was overstimulated as we were out of routine, we were eating different food etc. etc.

Let him eat whatever he normally has.
Everyone else can eat the Christmas meal, but he can then have his own preferences.
Eat meals at the same 'normal' times, keep to meal times, getting out of the house (if he is used to that), same bedtime, etc.

I was kind of assuming that the child woke up at an incredibly early time, such as 3/4am and want ]ed to open them then, rather than at 7am perhaps.
In that situation I guess you could try having a small Santa present that he could open then which might keep him occupied, playing quietly, until a better hour. It clearly wouldn't be ideal to have him awake very early, and meaning others were woken too early.

This would only work if it was 'reasonable' timings. This can't include things like everyone needs to be opening presents at 5am, everyone needs to eat xyz, etc.
Everyone's needs need to be taken into account, including the younger child, not just the child with autism.

Maybe that is what happened 🤔
My interpretation was that they'd decided to keep gift opening to after lunch when Granny go there.

If it was kid was just up early and sibling was still sleeping. I'd maybe do Stockings upstairs with some toys to keep the kid amused, lego magazines are a go to in our Stockings, book, rubix cube.

Ever tried telling your autistic son that you did your best to choose the right gifts and he should be grateful. Also ever tried telling him he can't have everything his own way? Surely autism can't mean that you just give up teaching good manners and all expectations of good behaviour? Any child could become unbearably demanding if boundaries are not set and upheld.

Depending on the reason for waiting on the present opening time waiting for Granny or just up too early lots of NT children would struggle too.

Some kids would go back to sleep others would just keep going on so at some point I'd have caved and got everyone up then have a morning nap.

If it was morning and the delay was church or Granny I'd have given up.

Christmas after hyping kids up for weeks isn't the time for patience

And you absolutely should not cancel Christmas! You are giving away all of your parenting power to your son!

How do those kids cope as they grow up? Well for a start they grow up to be autistic adults, they don't suddenly become neurological because you've parented correctly.

Some autistic adults never do cope, either because of the degree of their disability or because they've never been taught the necessary life skills (like not to try and always fit in with a neurological world).

Some hide their autism, require little adaptation and look like they're coping just fine then have a breakdown when they just can't mask any longer.

Some navigate their lives as autistic adults and manage to find the balance between what their needs are and what the world demands.

What they don't do is become neurotypical or not disabled just because the world refuses to take it into account. It's a disability, just like blindness. A blind child can be taught skills and strategies for managing life as a blind adult but will still be different and still have support needs and will still find certain things impossible or really difficult or not worth the effort.

Haven’t rtft but I understand!

We had very low key Christmases for years to suit ds.

Present opening first thing - too much anticipation to wait.

With presents we negotiated with ds that he would have 80% presents that he knew about and had specifically chosen, 20% surprise, and he was pre warned that if he didn’t like any that was fine, he could give them to a charity shop.

Time to process/play/watch crap on tv before eating a nice but easy meal.

Don’t drop usual daily routines but adapt Christmas around them.

Our Christmas dinner was always on Boxing Day, when everyone was more relaxed and dh and I would take turns to food prep and cook whilst the other parented. We still do this to this day, when we no longer need to, because it makes the day better for us all.

It can be difficult, but trying to hang on to traditions regardless of the fallout ruins it for everyone involved.

if it happens later, and it means the meal-preparer isn't left out.

Then what on earth does the above mean? because thats what you said.

So you came on a thread about an autistic child to get offended and post something self proclaimed as 'not appropriate to the situation' and now even claim your not even personally offended from your own personal experience... your offended, posted something wildly irreverent and are derailing the thread just for the sake of argument.