To cancel Christmas for all future years?

[Dumbiamnot]

My Xmas Day was terrible. DS10 is an extremely bright and capable child and he is autistic. This is a recipe for a terrible Christmas and it’s just not worth it.

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents, the next few hours complaining that the presents weren’t right (he chose what we bought but has such particular requirements for Everything, it’s impossible to get right), then he ate and played games - all was good for a few hours, then he ended the day with an almighty meltdown because he was overstimulated as we were out of routine, we were eating different food etc. etc. My younger DS just loves it all so I feel guilty cancelling Christmas but I CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN!

This is pretty much repeated every year but with slight variation for how long he is distressed for. If I’m honest with myself? Christmas always causes him (and therefore us) distress.

YABU - don’t cancel Christmas
YANBU - cancel Christmas

Sounds like you personally have high and unreasonable expectations.

As everyone else has said why was he waiting hours, thats not normal. Most people open things first thing and if he can't handle the wait then do that... you are the adult who needs to tailor to him not the other way round.

Whats wrong with eating and playing games, my autistic teen does that all Christmas, takes off to his room after opening presents and plays alone and its no bother at all... he doesn't exist to be social entertainment to others. Let him have his fun.

Ungratefulness might sting but what do you mean he told you and its still wrong? how can't it be wrong if he told you the exact thing to get. While ungratefulness sucks you can't cancel your younger DS deserves happiness.

The meltdown sounds like the big problem, you say its from the change of routine so why not follow the normal routine for him? let him eat his normal food etc...

You have more than one child so cancelling isn't really an option

older mum of an older Autistic teen, just some things we do to make the day more tolerable for him.

We set expectations and pre-warn on how the day will go. When is breakfast, when is dinner, when is tea. When we will open presents.. we do this repeatedly on the run up to the day.

We practice "Now & Next" so "Now we're going to have breakfast, and then we're going to do x"

We give LOTS of warnings of change of task. so 30/20/10/5 minute warning for anything, food, presents, guests arriving...etc.

We don't make him participate in christmas dinner. He is asked to sit with us, but he eats 'normal' fair (Sausage and mash) and then is allowed to leave the table as soon as he is done.

We don't make him open crackers, we don't make him wear the hat.

He is encourage to spend down time in his room as often as he needs to help him regulate.
He isn't forced to engage with guests, and we do not visit ANYONE on xmas day.

Are there things you could do to help DS1 feel less overstimulated and overwhelmed?

Presents - you could think about timings for opening them, letting him see in advance what he's getting, etc. Some people struggle with wrapped gifts and prefer their gifts unwrapped.

Activities - could he do something different from the rest of the family for bits of the day, to help him cope? you could also do a timetable/planner for the day and the week so he can see what's going to happen and be involved in planning things.

Food - if he has dietary sensitivities, can these be accommodated more in terms of food available for him, serving plates, even eating separately if needed?

Why make him wait? Universally kids want to open their presents first thing - it’s literally the best bit of Christmas for them and what most of the build up has been about. It's still the best bit of Christmas if it happens later, and it means the meal-preparer isn't left out. Not necessarily the right thing in this situation, but there's nothing abnormal in having presents opening later in the day.

I really feel for you op. We have two children who can't cope but have an age gap and co platelet opposite additional needs so we are always fighting to make sure both are ok.
What's worked for us this year:

• We kept the run up as low key as possible. So, for example, rather than doing the school Christmas Fayre, we asked child who CAN cope with it what they looked forward to the most. Turned out it was hot dogs and sweets. So we agreed to do a hot dog and sweets tea that night and both kids were thrilled.

• Usually we are pressured into doing lots of things but the kids chose the see Santa and that was it. Again, the child who can cope was fine.

• We did separate things when needed. I took one to the pantomime and DH did a park with the other.

• We spread out the presents. We have low expectations and both kids can choose to open some Xmas Eve or Boxing Day etc. I don't make them wait for anything.

• I bought presents for Christmas Eve that would be calming.

• Make one child a separate meal. Just make them the usual.

Ultimately your youngest needs to learn that there is give and take in the world. You can adapt etc. Make your own Christmas rules - sod the rest of the world

I feel the same at the moment.
One of my children has complex needs and was completely overwhelmed by it all.
I think I know where I went wrong though, and will do it differently next year.

OP I voted YABU, but I completely sympathise. My 12 yo DS is autistic and PDA. Extremely intelligent. He really, really struggles with Christmas and birthdays. But we have 2 younger DC who love Christmas, so we try our best to meet everyone's needs. We probably fail but we try our best.
It starts for us on Christmas Eve, DS never sleeps because of the anxiety of Christmas Day, so we start off with a very tired, fully wound child at 5am. He opens all his presents within 2 minutes and then has a meltdown even if he has got exactly what he wants, just from the overwhelm. Sometimes this is aggression - this year we didn't get aggression in the morning but he was so hyper and unmanageable.
Spent all morning on his iPad to stay regulated. Went to mum's for dinner, he tried so hard to sit at the table but managed 2 minutes then back to sit on his own with his iPad to eat, bread rolls and roast potatoes. Another meltdown over gifts. Got a remote controlled car and drove it into everyone's ankles on purpose. Crashed out at 10pm with his headphones on, fully dressed.
This morning we've had aggression and minor meltdowns but he's calming down a bit.
Amongst all this, the younger 2 DC have had a fab day. Utterly spoiled by everyone, full Christmas dinner, games, and fun.
They have an autistic brother. It's hard for them. They've been whacked and run away from meltdowns yesterday. This is their life. We communicate with them about how hard it is for their brother and why he is behaving like he is.
I get it. I'm exhausted and losing my sanity. But I don't think there's another way.

I also have an autistic child so you have my complete sympathies but I wouldn’t cancel Christmas. Maybe be a bit more go-with-the-flow..? Serve him his fave (safe) foods on his fave plate instead of traditional Christmas dinner, and if need be, let him eat in front of the telly or whatever he likes to do if he gets overwhelmed with the whole sit at the table thing. Keep deccies to a minimum but let little sibling go all out with decorating his roomzz try to keep bedtime routine as familiar as you can.. it’s really difficult, I know. It’s his Christmas too and if he celebrates it differently to everybody else then so be it 🤷‍♀️ I learnt a long time ago that our ‘normal’ isn’t everybody else’s and I’ve just accepted that and do what keeps our brood happy

I’d hope that there’s a middle ground here, so that your youngest doesn’t miss out- open presents early, provide safe foods, etc.

No you absolutely cannot cancel Christmas because that would be grossly unfair to your younger child and totally unreasonable.

What you do is make Christmas Day as like a normal day as possible for your autistic child. So you give him the same food he would normally have and make Christmas dinner for everyone else.

You let him choose the exact presents he wants and let him open most or all of them as soon as he wakes up.

Let him have time out in his room with his favourite things while you spend time "doing Christmas" with your youngest.

It may help to talk to both your children about what will happen step by step throughout the day beforehand, so everyone knows what is going to happen when, and there are no surprises. Hopefully this will stop your autistic boy getting too overwhelmed and avoid any meltdowns.

I have 2 ASD children and when they were young, they found Christmas overwhelming, so we would decorate one room and leave the other room as normal as possible so they could choose where to spend their time. We spread presents throughout the day so they didn't get overstimulated, we also didn't put all the presents out at the same time. Hope this helps

Both my dc have Autism and we still do and enjoy Christmas with some tweaks........basically you need to back
My dc choose their presents, hell I even let ds ' hide ' his present away if it's a particular one he's obsessing over.

We open presents, if they're wanting to go down early we let them. No harm done. We all go back to bed after.

In fact we all retreat to different rooms after opening presents. The dc need that processing time.......your ds will also need that processing time.

We eat at the normal time. The usual roast but I always have dds safe foods available for if she's feeling out of sorts (( your ds was given different food. Tbh that one is easily avoided. He doesn't have to do that ))

It's boxing day now. I'm in bed watching TV and on here. Dd is playing her new game, ds is in the dining room building his lego and their dad is in the living room shouting at the football on TV.

We see absolutely no family over Christmas. We keep it low demand with no pressure or expectations......I've made that mistake over the.years and tbh it isn't worth it.

We've had a.lovely Christmas. It may not be how others have theirs but it was ours. It works for us.

And also. If there was (( is )) a particularly important present I know is especially important to the dc I always wrap them in a different wrapping paper. Takes the stress away from them getting worked up looking for it. In my case I use gold wrapping the dc know to go straight for it. That one was a huge game changer.

It also takes note of the fact that if you've met one autistic person you've met one autistic person. One may be able to be 'trained' out of some traits, some can't. So just because one person's daughter could be, is of no relevance to any other family.

Exactly @CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo

Nothing about our Christmas, or my daughter’s life, is “sad”.

I take the time to consider her needs as much as my other child’s, that’s all. She feels seen and heard, as does my older child, and that’s all that matters. They BOTH had a wonderful day yesterday. They BOTH feel loved and safe. Nothing “sad” about it.

It's not about being rude a neuro typical person can shrug it off were as a neuro diverse child can find this very distressing. Also they are prone to impulsive behaviour and outburst .The OP did not say she does does discipline her child however you can not discipline a neurodiverse child for becoming overwhelmed and having a meltdown. My own child was the same yesterday.

My son is autistic this is what works for us-

He has set routines for meals, dressing, device time, bedtime etc. We keep everything exactly the same as every other day. It's not fair to completely change an autistic child's day and expect them to accept it. We do presents first thing before his breakfast routine. He usually has my phone while we open ours. The whole days timings are explained to him in advance.

My son will eat the meal so he does have it but if yours doesn't I'd suggest cooking him his favourite meal. It is Xmas after all!

It reads like every other day you act like you have an autistic child's but on Christmas you expect him to be more accepting because it's Christmas and you have put a lot of time and money into it. Not gonna happen. The way to get the most out of your say is to make it as stress free as possible for your nd child.

With regard to the presents it sounds like he struggles with surprises. I'd ask him specifically what he wants. Check with him it's correct ie show him it on your phone. Then buy the things he wants . Remind him what he's getting a few times before Xmas . Ask him if he wants them wrapping or not.

Your other son can still have the surprises and nice treats it just needs to be worked in to the routine.

Is there a way you could do a separate Christmas day that is very much Christmas for your other child and that day your child that doesn't cope well go somewhere else? Then actual Christmas day can just be routine etc.

I find every year teaches me more things about how to successfully navigate ND and NT children’s (and adults) needs!
Work out how to make the day - and the run up to the day and the aftermath of the day - work for you all. My 3 all cope in different ways but we manage to make it work. They create hyperlinked Christmas lists in ranked order so I know what they want - specifically. My youngest is 11 and NT and he can do this independently but I appreciate yours might need some support maybe. It will help him know that what he got matched what he wanted as the list is there for him to check.
Lunch is a flexible feast - I ask what they want on the table and anything goes. Mine with arfid ate cheese sandwiches at the Christmas table yesterday, with some Aunt Bessie Yorkshire puddings and some peas. My ASC daughter ate gammon, potatoes and homemade Yorkshire puddings (all not touching and with no gravy). The rest of us had what we wanted from a traditional Christmas dinner (and gammon and two types of Yorkies)! what does yours like to eat? Is there a reason you can’t serve it alongside whatever else you serve? We’ve had years with chicken nuggets, other years with Richmond skinless sausages and smiley faces.
it’s hard - and I do try to help my youngest understand that waiting to open stockings and presents until 8am is hard but ND teenagers are hard anyway! We do let him open a few gifts as soon as he wakes up as I know there are times he has his ‘wants’ put aside for the needs of his sisters. It also meant he could play online with his friends yesterday as his sisters needed time away in their rooms.
Once you get through this holiday, take time to work out what strategies you use successfully throughout the rest of the year and then see how they can still be used at Christmas.
If you’re not celebrating for religious reasons, (we aren’t), then it’s about family AFAIAC so do what works for your family. Good luck - it’s hard!

Another vote for not cancelling. It’s not fair on DS2 but also your older son can’t live in a world that is precisely tailored to his needs. Where will he be when he eventually has to navigate the real world?

I know there are a lot of responses I haven’t seen… do visual timetables work for them? You could do one in the build up to Christmas with them to help them to be able to make sense of the changes and then maybe try and build in some of their normal structure? Could you split things a bit with family members spending time doing more routine things for him and then another’s doing things with your daughter?

We don’t have Christmas perfect by any stretch but one thing I’ve learnt over the years is that you need to lower expectations of what things should be like and try and not think of how your son feels from your own perspective.

so for example if the family is playing board games you might feel awful that your son is missing out if he’s gone up to his bedroom but if he’s not bothered it doesn’t matter let him have that chill time whilst you spend time with your younger son.

id definately go with allowing opening of presents first thing as you are just making things harder for yourself otherwise and it’s not something that is out of the ordinary, lots of families with nt kids do this.

I also let my son leave the table when he’s finished eating in between courses and he can go and chill in the living room while others chat at the table. It took me ages to get my head round stuff like this as it just feels rude and not the way things should be but yesterday we got through the day with no major meltdowns which I judge a success.

i know how you feel I’ve had christmases where I’ve had to leave the house and go for a drive as I could no longer cope with ds and I’ve just driven around and felt like throwing myself off a bridge. The expectation of Christmas makes it worse

I have a friend with an autistic 10 year old. He spent Christmas Day in his room eating toast. It was what he wanted to do. He felt safe and happy in there. It meant everyone enjoyed Christmas in a way they wanted to

This. Why make it hard for yourself?