To cancel Christmas for all future years?

[Dumbiamnot]

My Xmas Day was terrible. DS10 is an extremely bright and capable child and he is autistic. This is a recipe for a terrible Christmas and it’s just not worth it.

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents, the next few hours complaining that the presents weren’t right (he chose what we bought but has such particular requirements for Everything, it’s impossible to get right), then he ate and played games - all was good for a few hours, then he ended the day with an almighty meltdown because he was overstimulated as we were out of routine, we were eating different food etc. etc. My younger DS just loves it all so I feel guilty cancelling Christmas but I CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN!

This is pretty much repeated every year but with slight variation for how long he is distressed for. If I’m honest with myself? Christmas always causes him (and therefore us) distress.

YABU - don’t cancel Christmas
YANBU - cancel Christmas

OK here's how I would play it

Before Christmas tell DS You're getting a voucher for (insert shop name here) for christmas. On December 27th (or whenever suits you) we are going to go shopping and you can pick what you like. you could do amazon instead and he could spend the morning looking up what he wants, giving the rest of you some peace. It doesn't sound like the theatre of opening presents is his thing, it's all about the item so pick battles.

Christmas morning-- do presents first thing then let him do hobbies or something quietly and spend some time with your youngest.

Christmas lunch-- cook whatever you would normally cook for everyone. You aren't running a restaurant. If DS doesn't want that, then offer a sandwich and crisps or whatever you usually do for a lunchbox and let him make a choice.

Don't cancel Christmas. I know this year was a bust but it's important to your little one.

Don’t cancel, try to find compromise. As everyone says let him choose his presents maybe online and then just order and wrap them. Don’t do then wait for presents.
Make the youngest’a room a special Christmas cave or grotto with lots of decorations and then a bit less in the living room. Your oldest is coming to the age when some children are very vocal about what they want regardless of any additional needs so it’s ok to give him leeway with certain things.
I think Christmas can be very overwhelming so following a bit of normal Sunday routine does help. I would look at food as well. We usually spread festive food over certain period rather than have a lot on one day I found this more manageable. Certain things we only do only we are out so you can make it part of special treat when out with the youngest.

My youngest (now 18) is autistic, dh and one of the older siblings probably also are. Over the years we have developed a formula which works for us, and balances the needs of both ND and NT family members. The formula barely changes from year to year. When the dc were younger, part of the run up to the festive season of CE to NYD was verbally reviewing what we would be doing. We repeated the reviews over several days, building up a picture of the week. We didn't need to do visuals or social stories, but those may also be helpful.

We have the same routines as in First/Next/Then etc, but never fix actual times for each stage until very close to that stage. Apart from stockings.

Stockings were opened in their bedrooms at any time from 6am. From 7am they were allowed to leave their rooms. Presents were, and still are, opened all together in the living room. Each person takes a turn delivering an item to everyone else, and we open them one at a time.

This may sound massively restricting, but it prevents overload. It allows each person to interact with their gift without being rushed - in fact, that's another of our rules: put on anything that can be worn, read something aloud out of any book, play with any game, if possible. It also allows people to take time out if they need to re-regulate or are disappointed. We return to present opening several times in the day. Present opening takes as long as it takes, sometimes even into the new year.

Every aspect of the day has its place in a pattern that is repeated every year. The routine is as much part of our festive traditions as putting up the tree and laying out the stockings.

The tree is another issue. Decorations go up slowly, over the course of several days, with the dcs' help, and the tree goes up once school is out. Again, it's about a slow build-up that involves the dc so that nothing is overwhelming.

We don't do exciting anticipation. I think that's the only aspect that the dc miss, but OTOH there's plenty of that outside home.

Hope some of these ideas are helpful to you, and you don't end up losing your Christmas.

I'm autistic to
I struggled yesterday,and I had the same issue with gifts ,but I controlled myself yesterday,but today I woke up in a foul mood and took myself of out to calm down and give myself a good talking to .
I had a fixed idea in my head of how Christmas would be. And it wasn't yesterday,and by this morning I needed time alone to gather myself.
As a child I wouldn't of had the insight to do that .
I love Christmas because it's the same songs and movies and tree and decorations every year ..the same meal on the day .
Your son is one person out of the whole family ,don't cancel Christmas, because it will resentment towards him from other family members.
My children also have autism
We managed by letting them take wrapped presents to their rooms ,to open when they feel able to .
I cook the pie that one of them only eats ,mash potatoes for the other one ,and no one has to sit at the table to eat if they can't face it ..they do sit there ,but they know they don't have to ,and they know at any point they can leave the table if they get overwhelmed.
We keep music calm , usually classic FM ,and no background noise from TV .
We have a slow ,calm ,no stress day .
People go to their rooms with food and presents, whenever they need to ,no questions asked .
I hope next year is easier for you xx

You cant cancel Christmas, it's not fair on your other DC

My DD10 is autistic. This is what I do to make Christmas easier for her / still fair on DS

Presents.... i give them some gifts early. This year they got 4 gifts early staggered through December, less for her to open on xmas day and less likely for her to get overwhelmed ( and who doesnt love an early present 😅 )

Present wise, most of her things she picked exactly what she wanted and I bought them for her. She didnt have many surprises as she knew exactly what she was getting. But that's what she likes and its easier for her

Food wise: I do a buffet style Christmas dinner with Christmas food / some normal foods and everyone just helps themselves to what they like

Around 1pm she started getting snappy so I got her cozy on the couch and told her to have a nap. She woke up 2 hours later refreshed. If she hadnt of had a nap I would of let her to go to her room for a few hours to have some quiet time Edited to add I'd she hadnt of had a nap she would of had a horrific meltdown* and also, there is no pressure to open all her presents at once. She is currently painting in the kitchen and has 4 presents she hasnt opened from yesterday

If you want Christmas to be a little calmer then you need to make some adaptations for him and you. We dont see family over Christmas as DD gets overwhelmed ( so do I tbh )

It's just finding a way that works for all of you isnt it

I don’t think cancelling Xmas would help him in the long run. Let him spend the day how he likes. A bit of exposure to the real world might teach him to adapt as he gets older.

Some autistic people will be able to take on board and learn from advice on how to react, handle things etc. Some won't, that doesn't make them rude and families/those around them should bear that in mind.

A neurotypical person/child should be able to learn from advice, so if they choose not to listen and do so then that becomes rude.

Our youngest is being assessed for ASD at the mo, and is away with us all for Christmas at the mo. At home he's been quite calm recently, being away has been harder for him. Despite being with family he is quite overwhelmed, so has been steering clear or most of us for a while, had his own meals etc that I brought from home. The wider family hadn't really been aware of his assessment but we have talked about it loosely.

This is such a sad thread. Life just sounds so unutterably relentless.

OP I was you last year, everything we did was because that's what we "should" be doing, and what my
Christmas-mad NT loves. A very wise woman advised me to get rid of "should" from my vocabulary when it comes to my autistic son, and it's genuinely made life so much more enjoyable for all of us. We did very little by way of days out, or he stayed home with dad while I did things with our daughter. Our Christmas Day this year was exactly like others have described - easygoing and relaxed, he chose his own clothes and what to eat and when, we kept dinner very easygoing and didn't go anywhere with too many people. He stayed regulated for the whole day, which is unusual even on the best of days.

Be kind to yourself, it's so hard unlearning a lifetime of habits - and frankly letting go of traditions you might really treasure. But you know your son the best so tailor his day for him rather than the other way around. An autistic Christmas is so pleasant when you've experienced a very dysregulated Christmas!

Don't cancel, but change your expectations of what christmas looks like for now. It may get better as he gets older, it might not, but let go of the pressure of having a traditional/picture perfect christmas.

As others have said let him open presents when he wants, I dont know anyone with kids who waits, most people I know are surrounded by wrapping paper within an hour of waking! You might be able to appease him by doing half first thing and half later on, but maybe not, just go with what is the least stress

Have your preferred christmas dinner, with added pizza/nuggets/pasta/chips, whatever is his safe food. You don't have to eat it, but he should have something he loves, it's his christmas too

I'm not sure if you bought his presents with him, or when, but if he chose them weeks before Christmas or you bought them online I'd try changing this to going shopping in the week before. So he can see them in real life and what he's chosen is fresh in his mind

Don't force him to go to church/for a walk/to play family games, let him opt out of anything that's not part of his routine, if you're leaving the house one of the adults will obviouslt need to stay behind, but hopefully that's only for a few years until he can stay home alone, decide whether that trade off is worth less meltdowns.

Restructure his christmas.

Give him a Christmas Day schedule in advance - time to open presents, meal times, time to play with stuff, so he knows what to expect.

Give him a voucher for his presents, home made, that tells him the budget and a day you will go with him to buy said presents, that way they are exactly right, and you can do this online or in person, or both, either before or after or again, both.

Give him his normal food at his normal time if that's what will make him feel comfortable.

The schedule can let him know what other people will be doing, he doesn't have to do the same though, he could sit and play games or with his presents whilst you eat an oddly timed meal for example.

I think ALL children and even some adults can get overwhelmed with Christmas Day. It’s not just a ND thing. We’ve (house full of adults) all got our little triggers and have been, at points, ratty and irritable and emotional.

The key is to let have people have Christmas on their own terms as much as possible. No rigid rules about food, timings, clothes and social time.

Becuase if they are already over stimulated and struggling then choosing that moment to pull them up on being rude is going to make things worse. Need to talk about it at a time when they are calm and can actually take in what you are saying otherwise it’s pointless and will end up making the day worse. Lots of autistic people are also to the point and say things how they are without realising they are being rude, most kids know somehow without ever being specifically taught so it’s doubly hard with an autistic one

No judgement here, we're all handling things differently. For information, both my DH and DS are autistic.

I used to try to do a specific type of Christmas dinner, with all the usual items, but it just meant I'd end up making absolutely loads of different items so that other people would actually have something they enjoyed, as well.

I gradually started changing things. Who the hell was actually judging what we ate for Christmas? We ended up going all in on pigs in blankets for DS as his main protein because he didn't really like turkey. I'm sure there were at least two years where I just bought in loads of M&S party foods for grazing on.

I had eventually realised that it's a holiday and we should all be having foods we get excited about, not foods we feel obligated to eat.

The only 'rule' for presents (which thankfully appeals to everyone's practical brains) is that everyone must be there before they're opened. (I don't mean people visiting, either. Everyone in the immediate household. ie, don't open things when the person who gave them isn't there to witness it!)

Anyway, you definitely need a break for now, but maybe re-assess expectations for next year rather than cancelling entirely.

Try to make the day as close to a normal routine as possible. Meals at normal times, with options for his normal food. Use whatever pre-prepared Christmas things you need to make that manageable. TV/screens at normal times with normal limits. Getting up/bedtime at normal times.

I have a 10 year old autistic child (also highly intelligent) so can completely emphasise. It’s so difficult sometimes. Be kind to yourself and remember parenting an autistic child (particularly if you yourself are neurotypical) is flipping tough! xx

We practice Low Demand Parenting which has been revolutionary for my child. We used to have awful Christmasses but now they are great. She even managed to come play games with her cousins yesterday which is not something she’s been able to do in the past. I think she now trusts us to put her needs first. For example, if she had become overwhelmed and dysregulated, one of us would have taken her home and she knew that. We also asked if she wanted to come rather than forcing her to. In the end we had to say it’s time to go home!

Another thing that has really helped our child is 1-1 mentoring with an autistic adult. I’d really recommend this if your child would be open to it.

Take it easy today and chill! You’re doing great!

I assumed that all people got up and opened their presents in pyjamas and then went to get dressed and have lunch etc. Clearly this would make your day far easier. I don't know anyone who waits until later I'm the day to open presents especially those with kids. Why would you?

You have a younger child, you will already no doubt ‘suffer’ because everything has to revolve around his sibling. I get it in that I have family members who have a disabled child, in this case younger, and the older missed out due to time spent in hospital, needs of the younger having to take priority, never having the attention of both parents, just one in turn, not being able to do what they wanted as the younger came first due to disability

Dont cancel Christmas because your child can’t cope, put in coping mechanisms, do the normal food for them, Christmas food for the rest of you, let them eat in their room separately, take lots of breaks so the older child gets down time in their room and focus on his sibling

Don’t cancel Christmas it will just lead to angst when the kids are older

Things have changed because professionals started listening to Autistic people and how damaging being forced to fit in was. Autistic people are 9x more likely to die by suicide and a lot of what contributes to that is a feeling they don't fit in and emotional exhaustion from masking.

Actually, I think it's full of hope and love, it's great to hear how many people plan so carefully to make things lovely for their families according to individual needs.

If he spent hours asking to open his presents surely you added to it by not letting him open them in the morning?

Of course you can't cancel, you have another child. They probably miss out already. You can't remove Christmas too.

Sympathies @Dumbiamnot ASD dd here too.
Can you put a tree in youngest room next year?
Maybe shift gift giving to Xmas eve for eldest?
Dinner can be whatever eldest usually eats.
My dd hated, hated gift giving with a passion. I just leave them laying around and sometimes she takes them upstairs or opens one as she passes. Or not.
It was the eyes watching her that triggered upsets. So I knocked that on the head pronto.
No music. Pared back decor. No visitors or visits out.
Took me a long, long time to get the balance right.
Strangely though, she always liked Christmas crackers with the joke and novelty gift and would hoard them.
Best of luck going forward. x

You've probably had lots of good advice here on how to make things a bit easier next year but what I spotted was this: "All was good for a few hours". Then your Christmas day was a huge success! Have a large gin and congratulate yourself.

Exactly this OP. Your stress levels and your child’s stress levels would be massively reduced just by these accommodations alone. I have a child with severe OCD. Christmas looked very unusual in our house because of it. Granola for Christmas dinner anyone? His Christmas presents were left unwrapped. He slept most of the day because of his medication. It makes me a bit sad and a bit nostalgic for other years, but our day was relatively stress free. Best just roll with it and try not to let your own expectations of the perfect day be counterproductive.

Let him shop with you and choose his presents he will appreciate that and still has the fun of opening them. Make his safe foods, my daughter had meatballs and hash browns! Let him have time away from the games if he needs to. Make sure he knows he can chill in his room for a bit if he needs to and do a gradual wind down to bed time.
Sending you a hug @Dumbiamnot , I know how you feel