To cancel Christmas for all future years?

[Dumbiamnot]

My Xmas Day was terrible. DS10 is an extremely bright and capable child and he is autistic. This is a recipe for a terrible Christmas and it’s just not worth it.

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents, the next few hours complaining that the presents weren’t right (he chose what we bought but has such particular requirements for Everything, it’s impossible to get right), then he ate and played games - all was good for a few hours, then he ended the day with an almighty meltdown because he was overstimulated as we were out of routine, we were eating different food etc. etc. My younger DS just loves it all so I feel guilty cancelling Christmas but I CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN!

This is pretty much repeated every year but with slight variation for how long he is distressed for. If I’m honest with myself? Christmas always causes him (and therefore us) distress.

YABU - don’t cancel Christmas
YANBU - cancel Christmas

They are not being rude. Hope that answers your question.

You can't not have Xmas as your other DC will resent this. First questions is "He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents" - why didn't he have them as soon as he woke up? My kids want them when they wake up and they are in their teens. Secondly, I'd suggest buy the presents with him, but keep them for Christmas, explain what you'll be going in advance. That way he chooses and gets full say, but then keeps them for the Special Day. Third suggestion would be keep to the same meal times if possible and keep DS's food the same. I do multiple variants on Xmas Day and holiday times (not usually of course), but it's nice for everyone to get what they really like at Xmas and if you plan it then not too much work. Probably with a few tweaks you can all have a good day.

Does your ND child enjoy Christmas, though? Maybe you could get them their usual food etc. If not… holiday camp?

It would be extremely unfair on your NT child to not have Christmas because of their sibling. But it just wrapped up as well, it’s probably just your exhaustion talking.

I'm confused. Why couldn't he open his presents first thing?

Could he choose his own presents in future? So that he knows what to expect and gets things that he truly wants.

Could he just eat what he usually eats? Keep the day simple.

There's a lot you could do before you cancel Christmas which seems ridiculous tbh.

You have 2 children. Why does your non autistic child have to suffer ? Does he often have to go without and play second fiddle ?

Is there a reason why he couldn't open his presents when he asked in the morning?

Mine choose all their presents and often look at them again just before I wrap them. This has reduced a lot of anxiety around presents. I found it hard to adjust to this as I like them to be a surprise but realised that ultimately it's not about me feeling like I need to uphold certain traditions or ideas or me enjoying their surprise presents, but about them being able to enjoy what they've got without unnecessary anxiety. They have the same foods they usually do, there's no pressure to do any Christmassy things and they can go to their rooms if they want we won't be offended.

Firstly why is DS having to wait to open presents? Most DC even if not ND surely want to open them first thing? Also my DD has had fish with chips before! Christmas is a lovely time .But just try to not worry ,let them do their own thing ,keep food and so on the same and maybe wind down with a film or whatever he wants to do

It’s so hard navigating Christmas with an autistic child - I feel we have it fairly easy but …
we woke at 6am with my son so he could open his presents “from Santa” then went back to sleep until 8 when my daughter woke up and we opened hers.
for years my son ate Christmas dinner on his own in the lounge as sitting around the table was too much for him (luckily Christmas dinner food is his favourite type of food but I would have fed him cheese sandwiches to keep him happy). Now he does sit with us but as soon as he has finished eating he gets up and leaves the table (even though we are all still eating.)
he spent most of the day playing on the switch and hogging the tv with his favourite shows…
but he was happy and calm he could disappear upstairs when he wanted. He played a few games with us. We all opened family presents together. We watched a Christmas film together.
he also stayed in his pyjama bottoms all day.
he also constantly jumps on his trampette in the living room.

he is 15 and it’s taken some lowering of expectations and compromising from both sides (gradually from his) also finding what motivates him that we can integrate into family time. It is not a “perfect family Christmas”. But we were once where you were - violent meltdowns that lasted for hours and he could barely interact as he was just too dysregulated.
keep going. Work out gradually what works for all of you. The saddest/hardest thing is having to change the idea of a perfect Christmas in our heads.

really empathise with you as it can be tough going.

Dont cancel ,as that would be upsetting for younger DC

Isn't KFC considered a 'traditional' Xmas dinner in Japan? Not sure if I've imagined this!

i have a 20yr old ds with ASD. Been through many Christmases.
Another who is saying that you cannot cancel future Christmas’s, absolutely not.
And I hope you take this advice & what others have said to help you in the future rather than just think we’re all being critical of your parenting.
What has worked for us is we discuss in detail what to expect & what we’re doing on Christmas day. I’m not sure why you wouldn’t let your ds just open his presents? That seems crazy! It’s such a minor thing when you reflect back. Important to allow him have a bit of control. My Ds knows that Christmas presents are just a bit of fun. We go over the food before hand, so he knows what he’s eating. It’s things we know he eats & he’s chosen, including some things he eats daily anyway. He’s allowed to go to his room whenever he likes, his routine doesn’t really change just because it’s Christmas. We do always go for an afternoon walk- chosen by him & pre planned well in advance.
I think it’s how you approach the day. It’s only overwhelming if you make it overwhelming. Our Christmases are pretty much the same every year. We’ve found the right balance. The day is pre planned & discussed so my ds knows exactly what to expect. He does have surprises for his gifts- but he knows these are for fun only. His main present he already had & he had chosen himself last week.

Yes, you’re right

My nephew, has always hated Christmas dinner. He used to just eat some gammon and Yorkshire puddings. This year he had macaroni cheese and chips and he says it was the best Christmas dinner ever! The macaroni was ready meal and a few chips chucked in the air fryer. Easy done but made a young man's Christmas.

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents

Why? Just why would you create this situation? Just let him open them. Unless he got up at 1am obvs!

You can’t cancel Christmas but you can do it differently, in a way more suitable to his needs.

I see it a lot on these threads. The happiness of a child who is NT being sacrificed or sidelined for a child who is ND. It just isn’t fair. The ND child still has to have boundaries regarding behaviour. Otherwise the entire family are going to be falling in with needs of one person. Their needs shouldnt trump the needs of everyone else.

Unfortunately your older DS will have to come to terms with the fact that not everything in life will be to his liking.

Look at this as a good opportunity to create positive coping strategies for him, as an autistic person the best thing my parents did for me was to teach me how to cope with my own neuro diversity. The world isn't going to change for him so he needs to learn how to live in the world we've got.

Don't start meal prep until after the presents are opened. I have never known anyone start meal prep first thing and nothing else can happen until after.

I sympathise op.

Our youngest has had the mother of all meltdowns this afternoon. I’ve not seen him like that for a long, long time.

I think you do need to keep doing for your other DC though.

Some good suggestions here to make him more comfortable if you can? We had a year where our son literally only ate pigs in blankets & chocolate all day. That was what he needed that year. If he hasn’t managed to sit at the table, that would have been fine too.

We've also had to carefully choose what to buy for him & only buy specifically off his list now. In previous years we’ve thought about not wrapping them. & there is absolutely no waiting in opening presents. Everything was opened within an hour of getting up. He gets too anxious waiting.

I do all meal prep the night before and the whole lot including carrot and turnip mash is trayed up and goes in the oven........The only things I cook on the hob are the sprouts and gravy. Honestly makes life so much easier. I even do the Yorkies the night before and just sprinkle them with water and warm up on the day.

No, you can't cancel. Your younger DS loves Christmas.
What you can do is adapt the day around DS1s needs, which will make the day nicer for everyone
Doesn't matter if they open their presents as soon as they get up or what time and what they eat during the day
It's one day.
If DS will only eat say fish fingers and chips, serve him that
Go with the flow as things change, not what you've always done.

I'm in my 40s. My older brother would almost certainly be diagnosed as autistic if he underwent any sort of assessment - also extremely bright, capable, successful etc.
Half my childhood was curtailed because it'd cause him to have meltdowns, overstimulate him, generally disrupt his routine. I'm talking things like not having birthday parties, not having friends over, not going to activities such as the cinema or sports, no extracurricular stuff because he'd find it too much - even though I'd have LOVED all of the above.
It's incredibly unfair to cancel or massively pull back on a MAJOR event such as Christmas because one of your children finds it challenging - it's so unfair on your other child. This isn't just a little something - it's a massive (for kids especially) once, annual, event.
Yes, of course, you do what you can to mitigate the stress in whichever ways work but that is not to the detriment of your other child.
I don't have advice on what might work to make it easier for your son - but the needs and desires of both your children are equally important.

Of course you can’t cancel christmas. How unfair on your youngest.
I would suggest you take the pressure off. Why are you making your kids wait to open gifts? Mine are all neurotypical and they would have struggled either way this!
Dont put any pressure on him. At all. Let him eat what he usually eats and do what he likes. The rest of you can eat turkey/play trivial pursuit/watch Elf or whatever you usually do. Let him get on with doing his own thing.

What happens in your little bubble isn't necessarily "the norm". I understand other people do Christmases differently. I know that other parents let children open gifts first thing, even though it's not something my family have ever done, just as I know other parents say that all the big presents are "from Santa", not just a small stocking in the early morning. Just because "you have never known it" doesn't mean it is freakish behaviour.

But OPs some has autism and clearly struggles with this aspect of the day? What a weird thing to dip your heels in over. I’d be doing anything to make my day easier in her shoes.

All 3 DC are ASD and the youngest is the worst. But Christmas happens every year and they need to learn to deal with it.

I agree with this. To a certain extent, ASD or not, he will only make the amount of fuss he’s allowed to get away with.

I have one DC with ASD and ADHD and two without. My ASD child has always struggled with elements of the day but she also knows that it’s not ok to throw a massive tantrum. It’s simply never been tolerated.

She is teenage now and I know not to get her anything she hasn’t specifically asked for and that there are certain parts of the meal she won’t want to eat. She does get a bit anxious around the loss of routine but she is also aware that she has to manage that. She is still expected to navigate her feelings and be polite and grateful, just like the rest of us.

My advice is always focus on what ASD children CAN do, not what they ‘can’t’ do.