To cancel Christmas for all future years?

[Dumbiamnot]

My Xmas Day was terrible. DS10 is an extremely bright and capable child and he is autistic. This is a recipe for a terrible Christmas and it’s just not worth it.

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents, the next few hours complaining that the presents weren’t right (he chose what we bought but has such particular requirements for Everything, it’s impossible to get right), then he ate and played games - all was good for a few hours, then he ended the day with an almighty meltdown because he was overstimulated as we were out of routine, we were eating different food etc. etc. My younger DS just loves it all so I feel guilty cancelling Christmas but I CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN!

This is pretty much repeated every year but with slight variation for how long he is distressed for. If I’m honest with myself? Christmas always causes him (and therefore us) distress.

YABU - don’t cancel Christmas
YANBU - cancel Christmas

Why did he have to wait hours to open presents?? That would send my NT kids off the rails. One of my children is autistic and christmas day is very low demand. He wears what he wants, eats what he wants, takes himself for quiet time when needed. He spent most of yesterday building Lego quietly. It doesn't need to be torture. The other kids still enjoy it very much.
If you know food is likely to cause problems, just buy in some bits you know he will eat.

And what about the other child? Should everything be done for the eldest and the younger one miss our?

Can you add less change to a usual day by making him his usual dinner and have dinner at the usual time, you can have the xmas dinner and h3 can have his usual. What about money instead of presents too and he can spend some of the day looking online for things he chooses and orders. I wouldnt cancel xmas as you have a younger child too but you could make it a more normal day for him specifically and sort of christmas around him.

You can't cancel Christmas because of your younger DS, but you can adapt Christmas. I'm ND and have a mainly ND family. I always thought it was perfectly normal that Christmas meant not going anywhere, having a day with no demands on you, that everyone went off to use their presents for the morning (I was the bookish one like a PP mentioned) came back together for Christmas dinner of serve yourself what you wanted from the roast or whatever was the food requested to go with it, more going off to do what you wanted to do and then back together to watch a Christmas film in the evening.

Like a PP said, there aren't Christmas rules, you make it work for your family.

Could you try to make the structure of Christmas day closer to a normal day, eg eat your meals at the same times and offer some of his 'safe' foods in addition to the festive stuff? And maybe take him shopping for his presents in person rather than giving him any surprises on the day?

Why did you make him wait hours to open his presents?!

First off it’s unreasonable to expect small children to wait for hours to open gifts whether NT or ND. Secondly if you know he will not cope just let him eat what he normally does. Also let him go in his room for as long as he wants. It’s a shame it really is but you cannot ever compare your sons reactions, it’s really unfair.

I don’t have an autistic child but ended up responsible for pastoral care of students in my dept with disabilities which did include a lot of young adults with autism, this is higher education. They were all exceptionally clever but it was a real struggle for them to interact and be away from home for the first time.

You need to find a balance. How could you consider cancelling Christmas from now on when your youngest absolutely loves it? That would be horrible.

As an autistic adult I think there's a middle ground here and it comes down to who's affected.

If an autistic child hates surprises, it's unkind to insist on surprise presents "because that's what happens at Christmas". It's making what should be a positive experience for the child into an unpleasant one, for no good reason. But if they insisted, for instance, that a younger sibling shouldn't get any surprises either, that's right to push back on and refuse to accommodate, because it's affecting someone else.

So OP shouldn't cancel Christmas, but there's no reason her autistic child shouldn't be able to choose what he's getting in advance, open his presents straight away, eat his usual food, and take time out from celebrations if he's getting overwhelmed. That doesn't stop the rest of the family from eating traditional Christmas dinner or playing board games or whatever it is they want to do.

One of my quirks is that I hate opening presents in front of people. It used to make Christmas really stressful, because I knew I was expected to pretend to be delighted with even presents that I didn't want or care about or risk upsetting people, I couldn't do it, there were always cameras about... as a teenager I just said I wouldn't do it, I'd open them privately and thank people afterwards. Sure, they thought it was weird, but it took away a major source of stress. I was able to thank people in a socially appropriate way when I wasn't expected to do it instantly after a surprise. Forcing me to do it to 'fit in' wouldn't have helped anything, just made me miserable. I'm the same as an adult!

Your poor young child.

Who doesn't open their presents first thing?!

I think you need to just change how you so
it. Why did he have to wait hours to open his presents? No kid wants to sit around waiting.

See - to me, this doesn't sound like a balance - this sounds like DH getting his own way on everything due to his autism. I'm autistic myself, as is my dad, but that doesn't mean we can just do what we prefer and sod everyone else's wants and preferences.

Having autism doesn't mean you get to dictate the entire day, every year.

You don't need to cancel. You can change it.

What things does your autistic son struggle with?

My sons can't cope with surprises so I have always bought them exactly what they wanted and told them what they'd got and what was in each parcel. They can cope with waiting until Christmas morning but not with surprises when opening their gifts.

I have always chosen not to place any importance on surprises or 'the magic of christmas' because those things may well seem like great things to others but are torture for my sons. So what's the point?

Get up at whatever time on Christmas morning and open their gifts at whatever time suits them and whatever pace they choose.

Christmas at our own home and no pressure to eat specific things or eat with other people or interact with other people.

Christmas has always been extremely overwhelming for them so we avoid adding unnecessary extras.

Eg this year my family came round. My younger son (24) came down once then stayed in his room. My older son (25) came in and out and chatted then withdrew for a bit then came back later.

Nobody commented on it or expected anything. We let them engage on their own terms and enjoyed the level of interaction they were each able to offer.

I think that's the best way to handle situations that you know are stressful and overwhelming. How can you make it easier for them.

I think there’s a happy medium. I have a 9 year old with ASD and a (NT as far as we know) 4 year old. Things that have helped us to have smooth Christmases in recent years include:

• staying at home just the 4 of us.
• managing expectations around presents, eg making sure we know exactly what DS1 would like, and being honest if he won’t be getting them (long, aspirational list of devices here this year).
• not having Christmas food - we have a buffet with nice canapés for us, and DC-friendly food for the DCs. I would rather have a Christmas dinner but this is a lot less work and the combination of the time I have to spend cooking and then the pressure of a roast dinner DC1 isn’t keen on has ruined Christmas previously.

We do presents for the DCs first thing but keep some presents back for the afternoon, as it means the day doesn’t feel “over” by 0900.

We let the DCs have a pyjama day if that’s what they want.

I also feel like this is a slightly awkward age for Christmas - my 9 year old has stopped playing with toys, mostly, but isn’t old enough or mature enough for the kind of things teens would enjoy.

Christmas can be so difficult as there are so many pressures. We had a couple of car crash Christmases around age 5/6 which forced us to really rethink what a successful Christmas (as in, everyone happy and enjoying the day) would look like for us. That can mean doing things differently from the norm - above is just what works for our family.

Nope .id do Xmas but let him open presents in the morning
Id prep him that any moaning next time and he goes to his room .
Id still do Xmas dinner but let him eat what he likes .

Clearly your other dc enjoys the day even with the meltdowns so you have to continue .

As a parent of an autistic child, I think you need to chill out with Christmas expectations. We open presents when our son wants to, spread out throughout the day, he eats his Christmas dinner but sometimes doesn’t sit with us but wanders between living room and kitchen/dining. No offence intended but you’re being too rigid. I read plenty of positives in your post and I think you need to see it as a part success and just live and learn - some things were great, some things can be changed next time.

I don't feel like I missed out at all, sorry if that's how it came across.

I voted you are being unreasonable because you have a younger child who loves Christmas. But it must be really tricky at Christmas. As others have said I would take him to buy his own presents, let him open them when he wanted and let him eat whatever he wanted for Christmas. I guess I would try to minimise the stress rather than cancel Xmas.

I absolutely have sympathy because my DD although not autistic has a learning disability and finds lack of routine and the noise very difficult and we had a few meltdowns yesterday. But we have two boys too who need a nice christmas so me and her dad just had to suck it up and keep on going to make sure the boys had a good day. But you are definitely not being unreasonable to feel that way, it’s really, really hard.

No, we both got exactly what we wanted I guess I didn't describe it well

Right off the bat - I don’t understand why you didn’t just open the presents?

That's good - it's not how it came across though!

It’s really hard isn’t it?

My DD is autistic and started the day and ended the day completely overwhelmed, mainly because she was so tired from not sleeping the night before.

Things we do that help -

She writes a list but sends me screenshots of the things she’s put on it so I can get the right thing.

She is still quite young, so I do get her surprises too but stick to things I know she will like - certain treat foods she loves, vouchers for her favourite shop etc.

She doesn’t have to eat Christmas dinner. She can eat her normal foods.

We stay at home for Christmas - travelling to family and more gifts is too overwhelming so family come to see us in the morning if they want to, but we do gifts with them on Boxing Day.

Normal clothes, so yesterday was joggers and her favourite t-shirt.

We open presents in the morning, we don’t wait and if she chooses to not open them all straight away that’s fine too. Some years she does, other years she spreads them over a few days.

No pressure. She is free to take some time out whenever she wants, we keep the day relaxed and if it’s getting too much time in her room on her own usually helps.

Don’t cancel Christmas, a few tweaks can make a lot of difference x

I have 3 autistic boys. You have to adapt to their needs. They don’t have to have food they don’t want and they certainly aren’t made to wait hours for presents. How is that a nice Christmas for anyone?