To cancel Christmas for all future years?

[Dumbiamnot]

My Xmas Day was terrible. DS10 is an extremely bright and capable child and he is autistic. This is a recipe for a terrible Christmas and it’s just not worth it.

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents, the next few hours complaining that the presents weren’t right (he chose what we bought but has such particular requirements for Everything, it’s impossible to get right), then he ate and played games - all was good for a few hours, then he ended the day with an almighty meltdown because he was overstimulated as we were out of routine, we were eating different food etc. etc. My younger DS just loves it all so I feel guilty cancelling Christmas but I CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN!

This is pretty much repeated every year but with slight variation for how long he is distressed for. If I’m honest with myself? Christmas always causes him (and therefore us) distress.

YABU - don’t cancel Christmas
YANBU - cancel Christmas

Agree with this.

Yes yes yes! This is what we focus on. Excusing bad behaviour and meltdowns ‘because neurodivergent’ is not helping anyone.

He’s autistic but it doesn’t mean he just gets everything his own way from here on in. I say that as an autistic person myself who hates Christmas and has just learned to put up with it and develop my own ways to cope.

That sounds really hard but I think you need to find a way to muddle on for your younger child.

Could your child with autism go with you to choose his presents? Or would money to choose his own work (especially if online shopping on the day would help distract him?).

Instead of a traditional dinner, would he cope better if everyone was allowed to choose their favourite meal? That's easily dressed up as a special Christmas tradition for your younger child too.

If your older child is independent enough, could Santa leave the younger ones gifts in your room and do the gift opening first thing in bed? That way your older child can avoid the mayhem and the younger gets some one on one time to open presents before you all go downstairs.

Another one wondering why he had to wait for hours to open his presents.

Completely normal for children, all children, to want to open presents first thing.

Making him.wait for hours surely just exacerbated the stress

Cooking all day from the very first thing and not allowing anyone to do anything isn't norm. That is completely unfair and ridged.

I understand lots of people do all sorts differently but its not common to ban anyone from doing anything because you want to cook instantly and not miss anything.

This is about an autistic child being comfortable ffs.

Get him involved more in selecting his presents (as far as saving the internet shop link for Santa) and selecting his foods. If he wants to have his usual meal, whatever it is make it on the side for him to enjoy, just as you would if he would be allergic or coeliac.

Same here, I read all these threads and stay away, and wonder what would happen if you just ignore the child’s behaviour instead. Would they eventually adapt because they were not getting attention?

With some behaviours they would but with others theyd continue no matter what because its how their brain is wired and they don't see things as being rude or don't understand why they are told lying isn't OK but then sometimes when they tell the truth it's considered rude. That kind of black and white thinking is just how they are. Autism is a condition which causes issues with social communication and while they may improve on that as they get older, more so female autistics, they are never going to be able to communicate and socialise like a neurotypical.

I have an ASD DC. They find Christmas very difficult and have themselves asked that we don't buy them presents any more. They don't join in the Christmas dinner.

The way we handle it is to say that we understand that Xmas is difficult, and that they feel very unregulated. We say that they can have as much or as less Christmas at they want, at their own pace (so I'd have got up at 2 am if that's what they wanted to open presents) and then I remind them of the things they need to do to help themselves like go out for a walk. In fact they had two walks yesterday, one at 11am with DP and one at 8pm with me, when we drove to the local town and wandered up and down the street.

It's not attention seeking, it's simply distress at every all pervasive aspect of Xmas - DC has struggled with everything from the huge seasonal hype, the songs, the enforced group thought (they're into 1984 at the moment 🤣) and that's well before we get to the clothes, the presents which are never quite right, Santa, the food, the hysterical screaming 'it's Christmas' in every radio and TV program.

We say that ASD DC can do Christmas how they want but younger DC must also be allowed to do the same so that they are allowed to enjoy their Christmas their way as well. Good communication with ASD DC is very important as is discussing how they feel, how they can help themselves and being open in acknowledging the things they find difficult.

He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents,

When do you normally open presents?

We’ve always opened our presents first thing whilst still in our PJs.
It’s the best part of the day!!

I would also get him to come shopping with me, pick it out and the wrap it. So it’s exactly what he wants.
I would then add a couple of extra bits for surprises.

I would make it very magical for the younger DS still.

It’s very difficult OP but it’s about learning how to let DS keep some of his routine.

E.g he can have his normal food and he doesn’t have to have a roast.
He can know exactly what presents he’s getting and perhaps not wrap all of them or stagger them.
He can go to his room and have screen time or whatever if it gets too much.

@coldcallerbaiter - no because they're not doing it for attention. Do you think they're just being naughty?

Attention is often the absolute last thing someone who's autistic wants. Many autistic people hate being 'perceived' and want to blend into the back ground, no one watching them open presents or making a fuss of them.

Why did you make him wait hours to open his presents?

My daughter is autistic and she hates any form of attention being on her. Her ‘behaviour’ has nothing to do with wanting attention.

The biggest stress for her at Christmas is trying to figure out other people’s expectations and social niceties when receiving gifts precisely so she doesn’t draw attention to herself.

We leave her to join in with what can cope with, ignore the fish fingers on her plate, buy her exactly what she wants (and not what we think she should want), let her open her presents in peace and leave her to it if she goes off to her room to chill for a bit or walks the dog again so we can set her up for a positive day and enjoy spending time with her.

My 12 year old is autistic.

Only one room is decorated for Christmas so it can be escaped.

Lots of polishing on Christmas Eve - repetitive, physical work for proprioceptive balance. She uses 2 bottles of polish and hundreds of cloths!

I always make sure she knows what the presents are before wrapping. Surprises are not her thing. Only one gift from Santa - taken from the 3 on her letter. Presents are opened first thing. These actions reduce her anticipation anxiety.

She only eats cauliflower cheese and vegetarian stuffing at the Christmas dinner. Colin the Caterpillar as pudding. She can get down from the table as soon as she is finished.

No demands on her all day. No having to 'join in' with anything. Noise cancelling headphones available to her all day.

Bedtime at 8pm on Christmas Day as usual. Melatonin that is usually only school nights used for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Same '12 Days of Christmas' book as a bedtime story that she has been read for her entire life.

No one in her bedroom under any circumstances. Not Gran making her bed, etc.

Dog walks along with DH during the day She loves DDog and is regulated by animals and nature. Lots of DDog cuddles all day - which is our 35kg lab lying on top of her for heavy pressure 'therapy'. Again proprioceptive input.

Boxing Day is a PJ day with her own schedule which gives her something to look forward to. Minimal interaction with anyone for the entire day.

What holiday camp is there on Christmas Day?

if the behaviour becomes dangerous if would be negligent to ignore, could be dangerously to themselves eg. Self harming, to others or to property. Ideally you don’t want to ignore and let things escalate, it’s not about attention it’s about dysregulstion so sometimes you aren’t giving attention as such but you have to supervise to keep them safe

It took me a while to recognise that we are a neurodivergent household, not a family with an autistic child and it has been an incredible paradigm shift. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and in all probability if there’s a diagnosed child, at least one dp has traits, and other dc may be functioning below the radar. Being NT in a ND family is another set of needs.

We each have things that are important to each other, and we all share the responsibility to try and meet some of each others needs, and not overwhelm or dysregulate each other. Everyone has different capacities.

In general I try hard to foster an atmosphere of listening with understanding so that everyone can express their needs and struggles, and we try to muddle along harmoniously.

For Christmas we have dropped expectations of everyone doing things together and instead we opt in and out. It works so well for us. One person’s enjoyment is another person’s challenge to be supportive.

For my autistic teen, we have no surprises - he enjoys gifts much more if he knows what is in each one. And he is better equipped to be gracious if he isn’t trying to process too much on the spot. Dinner is served buffet style with his normal food as one of the options so he can take part without the sensory stress of strange food. He can retreat as and when he needs to. He builds Lego in the kitchen beside me as I cook. We go for a walk to regulate, before things get difficult.

My other dc loves going to all the things and had a full social calendar for September, going to things with me, dh, gps and friends. She loves surprises, snuggling for movies, Christmas baking, shopping, all the food.

It’s perfectly to possible to facilitate both types of Christmas. And it’s lovely, even if it’s not always conventional.

I don’t know as I never pondered sending mine - but my uncles did it for my cousins as they don’t celebrate Christmas so there must exist some (it was abroad and in the 90s though).

Well mine is autistic and I can’t find suitable holiday clubs in the actual summer holidays when there are loads of holiday clubs running for neurotypical children so I can assure you that there is not an abundance of holiday clubs running on Christmas Day for autistic children so it’s not really a helpful suggestion unless you are living in another country in the 90s which no one is

It was just a suggestion, no need to be bitchy.

OP, just wanted to say I sympathise. We've had some awful Christmases too. It will get better and every bad time is lesrning for next time. There's loads of great suggestions on here so I won't repeat them but you'll all be OK, next year will be better x

Do you think autism is a behavioural issue? I'd put you in the same bracket as the poster who used the word 'tantrum' to describe a meltdown earlier if so.

It’s a pointless suggestion tho as you clearly have no clue about what’s available , its the sort of thing I find really annoying when I’m asking for advise and you get people who clearly have no idea at all making suggestions of things that there is no hope in hell of being possible in real life , it’s not being bitchy it’s pointing out a fact,

I don't get it, why do you want to cancel Christmas instead of tailoring it to your son's needs?

"He spent the first few hours of the day asking if he could open his presents" Many children want to open their presents when they first get up and are allowed to. Why is your son not?

"the next few hours complaining that the presents weren’t right (he chose what we bought but has such particular requirements for Everything, it’s impossible to get right),"
If you know he has particular requirements then buy what he wants, or take him shopping to chose stuff, if his requirements don't actually exist, then he can look at what is really there and chose. Ask other people to give him money, and do a big shop with him online or in person in the January sales?

"we were eating different food etc. etc." Why does he eat different food if it's stressful for him? Most people eat different food because they ENJOY doing so, but if he doesn't, why not just make him what he likes?

If he finds the Christmas games etc overstimulating, than let him chill in his room. I'm not quite sure, why you have to cancel Christmas because your son won't meet your expectations, rather than just making your Christmas fit your son?