Family always leave me out at Christmas…

[CoolMoose]

As the title says really, my family always leave me out at Christmas. I have several sisters and they have children and they are always invited to my parents at Christmas. They can sleep over and have Christmas dinner together and everything.

Last year I kicked up a bit of a fuss because we are never invited Christmas Eve/Christmas Day or Boxing Day. I made it clear to my parents that it hurts that they never want to see me, my husband and children at Christmas but always have my sisters over. After being ignored for several days after saying I felt upset, my parents said we could go to theirs for dinner last year but they said it was the last time they were having anyone over at Christmas because they are getting too old (early 60s).

So fast forward to this year, I assumed no one was going around over Christmas and my parents told me that they were assigning a set day to each child over the festive period to make it more manageable. I was totally ok with that until I tried to call everyone today to wish my sisters and parents merry Christmas. No one answered at first, then my sister called me back. It turns out they are all round my parents for Christmas dinner whereas we have been assigned New Year’s Day.

AIBU for now not wanting to go on New Year’s Day? I have only seen my parents twice in the last 12 months because they always make excuses, but I find it stressful to constantly put my feelings aside…

I’d also excuse yourself from NYD. No point talking about this though, you’ve told them how you feel before and nothing has changed. Time to look after yourself and your immediate family.

(I mean no point talking to them about it- not that there’s no point talking on MN).

I agree with all the PPs saying to go low or no contact with them.

Something that stuck out to me in your first post was about you phoning them all today before your sister phoned you back - firstly, none of them reached out to you first to wish you a merry Christmas, so I guess you always initiate touch with them all and also, I suspect it was discussed how to approach saying they were all together and your sister was deemed the one with the best relationship to break the news to you. It all tells me that they are all in on this and I think it would be best for you to focus on your family with your DH and DC.

I often wonder who the 2% etc are that would say such a poster is bu? And feel sorry for their families/friends.

This is cold, cruel behaviour and I’m disgusted on your behalf

You don’t deserve this and you certainly have t caused them to act in such a way - this is about them and who they are

Couod you reach out to one of your sisters perhaps?

I’m sorry OP, I hope you had a nice day with your husband and children.

Im afraid it probably is because because you’re the eldest and it’s your stepdad. I have this with my father, my parents divorced and he went on to have two more children. I got pushed further and further away until I was told I was only an obligation, not family. That was ten years ago and in some ways it was very freeing. But I’m still lying in bed on Boxing Day morning, almost 40, feeling sorry for myself because my father has no interest in me.

You can control this relationship now. You know how they have - repeatedly - treated you. You are under no obligation to treat them better than they have treated you.

I hope you are ok today @CoolMoose . I really can sympathise. The people who act like this aren’t worth your time or effort. I’ve had to keep telling myself the same yesterday and today. It hurts but it highlights those who do care and I’m trying to focus on them not the idiots who think it’s ok to treat family like rubbish ❤️

Sympathise OP my mum is the same and we aren’t a blended family. She has always preferred my sister and favours her. Her excuse for not inviting us is that we live further away, but yet she still hasn’t invited us or given us the option to travel.
My advice is to curate the best Christmas possible without your family. I used to find this sad many years ago but now I absolutely love our fun xmases filled with friends and activities. I don’t miss my family at all.

Leaving you out at xmas is cruel.

I understand it is hard, so I suggest your DM either delegates tasks to you and your siblings to cook certain foods and bring cooked foods to your parents house so you can all celebrate together and no one is being left out because leaving you out and lying to you as well is pretty shameful.

People in their 60s are not elderly, they are middle aged.

This.

The other 2 are both their children. Sadly this may be the reason.

Update on this, I decided to send my parents a msg saying I won’t be going NYD because I’m upset that everyone else was at theirs Christmas and they tried to hide it from me.

My mum is fuming at me for being ungrateful that she allocated a full day for me on New Year’s Day and I’m ungrateful. She is mad that she bought food and she hasn’t responded to my msg or tried to call, but my sister has told me she is swearing and really mad with me. She has told my sister she wont be speaking with me until the new year now and she’s sick of me and things will be very different from now on.

I feel better for saying how I feel, but worse because I can’t understand why my parents can’t see my point of view.

It’s rather nasty to exclude one family member. Tell your sister you’re deeply upset that they lied and excluded you and that it’s odd your mum has opted to have a toddler tantrum rather then treat you as the family members you are.

Stand your ground

Stand your ground, OP. Realistically, given that they were capable of treating you like this in the first place, they were never going to suddenly see the error of their ways because you said you were feeling hurt.

They are toxic, and cruel. You are not the problem here. Don't allow them to convince you that you're the one being difficult.

Don’t back down… but do what you’ve always done get what you’ve always got.

when people show you who they are believe them and only offer what you are happy to offer without detriment to you. Your mum knows… is kicking off to deflect because she got found out… you don’t need to be grateful for being treated as a second class child

if you refuse to accept her shoddy behaviour it can be freeing op. No more eggshells to walk on with her…

That's awful. I remembered when my DM first told me she didn't want me there for Christmas, I was 19 and the rejection has forever changed our relationship. It wasn't like I had an alternative family to spend it with.

Focus on your relationship with DH and wash your hands of your own family. You don't need them, painful though it is to accept that.

Wow toxic or what! Sounds like it's mum who's using you as someone to bully. Leaving people out is a form of bullying.

She's angry because she can't play her wicked game with your emotions. Please keep being strong. We're behind you ❤️

That's awful. I hope you're OK now?

So sorry, OP. Check out the Stately Homes thread and read 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

Do you have a good relationship with your (biological) dad and with your PILs? If so I'd focus on them if I were you.

Also, your mum and stepdad sound like a lost cause tbh, so I'd stop making an effort with them, but if you have (or had) a good relationship with your siblings, it would be a shame to lose them. So maybe try and maintain bonds with your siblings if you can without getting your mum involved.

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP sending hugs.

She is mad because it's been called out in the open and there is no hiding from the facts whilst they are all together in your absence without you being invited.

Things will be different, because you are not pretending you cannot see it and neither can they anymore.

Take Care and am glad that you have your own family to focus on. Best Wishes

I agree, there will be a reason.Are your kids a handful? Does your DH get vry drunk? Do you think they like him well enough in general?

It's crap for you, I know, but there will definitely be a reason.

At least tell your mother why you are cutting contact. She may not realise how much her failure to include you hurts.

Disgusting behaviour from your parents, they don’t even deserve the title. I’m so sorry they are treating you like this

Your mum is awful 😞 it’s sad that she’s let a man into her family who treats one of her children as inferior and she’s joined in too.

Sounds like they all see you as some sort of scapegoat too. Definitely consider going low contact with them all. For your siblings to go along with this all reflects poorly on them too too.