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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family always leave me out at Christmas…

233 replies

CoolMoose · 25/12/2024 18:30

As the title says really, my family always leave me out at Christmas. I have several sisters and they have children and they are always invited to my parents at Christmas. They can sleep over and have Christmas dinner together and everything.

Last year I kicked up a bit of a fuss because we are never invited Christmas Eve/Christmas Day or Boxing Day. I made it clear to my parents that it hurts that they never want to see me, my husband and children at Christmas but always have my sisters over. After being ignored for several days after saying I felt upset, my parents said we could go to theirs for dinner last year but they said it was the last time they were having anyone over at Christmas because they are getting too old (early 60s).

So fast forward to this year, I assumed no one was going around over Christmas and my parents told me that they were assigning a set day to each child over the festive period to make it more manageable. I was totally ok with that until I tried to call everyone today to wish my sisters and parents merry Christmas. No one answered at first, then my sister called me back. It turns out they are all round my parents for Christmas dinner whereas we have been assigned New Year’s Day.

AIBU for now not wanting to go on New Year’s Day? I have only seen my parents twice in the last 12 months because they always make excuses, but I find it stressful to constantly put my feelings aside…

OP posts:
Sleybels · 26/12/2024 22:04

TwoSwansFromMyWindow · 26/12/2024 21:53

I agree, there will be a reason.Are your kids a handful? Does your DH get vry drunk? Do you think they like him well enough in general?

It's crap for you, I know, but there will definitely be a reason.

Edited
Show quote history

Did you not see the updates? This is clearly the likely reason :

I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I’m not the biological child of my stepdad and my younger sisters are.
OP

blubberyboo · 26/12/2024 22:13

Do you ever ask your sisters what they think? Do they not think it strange you are always left out? Why don’t they speak up to their mum?

Mummypig101 · 26/12/2024 22:15

My mum treated me like this too. I was the scapegoat while my 3 sisters were the favourite. I was never welcome to anything and if I visited it would be awkward because they didn’t want me there. I was a very unloved and uncared for child so the signs were there. I finally went NC when she began treating the grandchild the same way with my children being the forgotten ones. I’ve never looked back and I’m so relieved they’re out of my life.
Your mum is a bully, she knows she treats you differently and doesn’t like being called out. Don’t let your children grow up around this behaviour it could damage them too.

Lifesingflowers · 26/12/2024 22:22

Wow this is just evil the way they are treating you and your family. Feel so sorry for you and the kids. If they don't want an relationship with you maybe its time for you to move on. Block them all

OhcantthInkofaname · 26/12/2024 22:28

CoolMoose · 26/12/2024 19:56

Update on this, I decided to send my parents a msg saying I won’t be going NYD because I’m upset that everyone else was at theirs Christmas and they tried to hide it from me.

My mum is fuming at me for being ungrateful that she allocated a full day for me on New Year’s Day and I’m ungrateful. She is mad that she bought food and she hasn’t responded to my msg or tried to call, but my sister has told me she is swearing and really mad with me. She has told my sister she wont be speaking with me until the new year now and she’s sick of me and things will be very different from now on.

I feel better for saying how I feel, but worse because I can’t understand why my parents can’t see my point of view.

How are things going to be different? They certainly can't get any worse for you. It seems like they consider you auxiliary family, not good enough for the real holiday.

Sleybels · 26/12/2024 22:38

OhcantthInkofaname · 26/12/2024 22:28

How are things going to be different? They certainly can't get any worse for you. It seems like they consider you auxiliary family, not good enough for the real holiday.

Show quote history

It sounds like they’ve been looking for an excuse to completely ostracise OP altogether and also they’re probably slightly angry/ashamed she’s called them out on their poor behaviour. They certainly should he ashamed - of themselves.

ThePoshUns · 26/12/2024 22:40

Your mother is cruel and toxic. She's annoyed because you have called out her callous behaviour.
Well done to you for standing up for yourself.
Are your sisters supportive of you or are they happy to go along with the happy family charade?

Original poster
CoolMoose · 27/12/2024 00:00

There are mixed reactions from my sisters. One sister is annoyed at me and says I should be grateful that my parents are trying their best, the other rang me and said she didn’t realise I felt that way but she thinks I misunderstand my parents good intentions. She also said that my stepdad hasn’t been well (which I knew nothing about) so I should think about my decision to raise this because it’s very stressful for parents.

My DH family are lovely, but they live so far away and my biological dad has been zero contact since I was about 11 and he went off to live in another country with his new wife.

OP posts:
Duckswaddle · 27/12/2024 00:11

Sounds very similar to how my mother and stepdad treat me. Fuck them. They expect you to put up with being treated with complete contempt and not say anything? Well done for saying something. You need to step away from them now.

lauraloulou1 · 27/12/2024 00:20

I think your mum is fuming because she knows she is in the wrong here and there's some deep complicated wounding going on and you finally standing up for yourself is enraging for her as it sounds like you haven't before. So sorry OP. From the outside they all sound like twats and liars and that they don't deserve you but we all want our happy family fantasy eh? I would caution on taking your sisters views too seriously- they are part of this bullying and they certainly haven't been impacted by it or experienced it. Sorry you are feeling this. Hold your ground - and don't be guilty- you being excluded about news about your step dad is exactly the point - you are being kept at a distance of their choosing. You deserve better and I hope you take your space xxx

CraftyOP · 27/12/2024 00:35

Sounds so awful especially as your birth dad isn't on the scene must be really painful. Are you sisters happy and settled? It's awful because sometimes the functional/settled child is seen as less interesting/needy or actually threatening to them. It's baffling that your own mum can think this but very common. I've not been able to stay at my mums for years because my sibling is living there and got ditched for Christmas and awful having to tell the kids. My in laws haven't visited us for 5 years but visit other children all the time and keep it secret, again horrible for our kids and that's the worst bit. All I can say is you're not alone and boundaries help, what is the most/least you can manage and have some agency about it. It's not you it's them and I'm sorry because it really hurts but just be glad you wouldn't treat someone like that and you're with someone who loves you. In my experience confronting doesn't do much

smellydog1 · 27/12/2024 01:03

Nextyearhopes · 25/12/2024 18:43

It will be that…not that it is acceptable at all. How horrible. Don’t go at NY.
As for being ‘too old’ at 60 something- bollocks. My gran was hosting Christmas into her 80s.

Show quote history

My dad is 87 and is partially sighted, just hosted us for Christmas dinner (6 altogether)

LongDarkTeatime · 27/12/2024 01:13

Really feeling for you and empathising OP
I’ve had to go NC with my biological family for similar reasons. It came down to balancing the wish to have family which we knew from childhood and accepting the acts of rejection vs the bereavement of losing that but gaining a better sense of self worth and respect. That was my choice.
I really wish you well and hope you find some peace in this difficult situation

Nextyearhopes · 27/12/2024 02:17

smellydog1 · 27/12/2024 01:03

My dad is 87 and is partially sighted, just hosted us for Christmas dinner (6 altogether)

Show quote history

There you go. And probably loved it. You will all have offered help if they needed it (we used to help the veg prep and lay/clear the table/sort out the clearing up). The OP’s family are trying it on and it’s so nasty.

RareLilacFinch · 27/12/2024 02:56

CoolMoose · 26/12/2024 19:56

Update on this, I decided to send my parents a msg saying I won’t be going NYD because I’m upset that everyone else was at theirs Christmas and they tried to hide it from me.

My mum is fuming at me for being ungrateful that she allocated a full day for me on New Year’s Day and I’m ungrateful. She is mad that she bought food and she hasn’t responded to my msg or tried to call, but my sister has told me she is swearing and really mad with me. She has told my sister she wont be speaking with me until the new year now and she’s sick of me and things will be very different from now on.

I feel better for saying how I feel, but worse because I can’t understand why my parents can’t see my point of view.

Your sister sounds like a piece of work. She’s serving as the messenger so your mother can bully you (swearing, threats) while also stonewalling you. If I were you I’d tell her you don’t need to hear what your mother has to say unless she can say it directly to you.

I can’t understand the cognitive dissonance your sisters have around you being systematically excluded. Their excuses don’t make sense - if your stepdad is sick then they should have hosted nobody.

Your mother is trying to scare you into backing down by saying that “things will be very different”. Don’t allow yourself to be baited into reacting as she wants - what you need to do here is drop the rope. Calmly repeat the same sentence, “we were the only ones excluded from Christmas so we’re focussing on our own little family” or similar. Don’t let them distract from what they’ve done by engaging with anything they allege you’ve done - make sure the fact that you have been left out is repeated ad nauseam.

AngelicKaty · 27/12/2024 03:15

CoolMoose · 26/12/2024 19:56

Update on this, I decided to send my parents a msg saying I won’t be going NYD because I’m upset that everyone else was at theirs Christmas and they tried to hide it from me.

My mum is fuming at me for being ungrateful that she allocated a full day for me on New Year’s Day and I’m ungrateful. She is mad that she bought food and she hasn’t responded to my msg or tried to call, but my sister has told me she is swearing and really mad with me. She has told my sister she wont be speaking with me until the new year now and she’s sick of me and things will be very different from now on.

I feel better for saying how I feel, but worse because I can’t understand why my parents can’t see my point of view.

God, this sounds so terribly hurtful OP - I'm so sorry for you, but also very pleased you found your voice and told your DM and DSD how they've made you feel over the years. I have to say, I think your DM is an absolute cow (sorry!). It's as though she's decided the children she has with your DSD are more important than the DC she had previously. And the idea that you should be grateful "that she allocated a full day" for you on NY day - well, how generous of her - she is your fecking mother after all! Finally, maybe there's one thing she is right about; that "things will be very different from now on". Indeed, they should be OP and I would strongly suggest you go low or no contact with her from now on. The sad truth is, they will never see your point of view and just continue to exclude you and make you feel bad when you challenge them on it.
My own experience has taught me that quietly withdrawing from people who continually hurt me was the only thing I could do to maintain my self-esteem. Just remember OP, when you've been banging your head against a brick wall for years, the pain goes away once you've stopped. Best wishes for a peaceful future with your own little family. 🤗

BananaSpanner · 27/12/2024 03:28

Your mum is a cow and getting defensive as deep down she knows she is treating you differently to her other daughters. I’m not sure what either mum or sister expect you to be grateful for?

As an aside, don’t be guilted by all the “I’ve bought food” nonsense. The last available food shopping day was Christmas Eve, if she has bought anything it will be frozen stuff anyway that far in advance, she can give it to your sisters next time they visit.

MeowMeowWoof · 27/12/2024 04:05

Sending a big hug. I had a step dad, and while he was never unkind (unless I was a shit to my sister then he went mad) but my younger sister (his daughter) was treated very differently by him and my mum. She was sent to a private school, I wasn’t, I got handed down clothes, she got new. If I asked why I was told not to be greedy. Even when we were older mum looked after my sisters kids and not mine. I had to accept it, there was nothing I could do. I barely saw my mum as she wouldn’t see me without him there. I spent Christmas Day on my own a few times before I met DH as they didn’t want lots of people over on Christmas Day. They knew I was on my own. Even after step dad died it’s still all about my sister. Unfortunately for mum my sister has moved away and she is stuck with the one she doesn’t like.
Focus on the family you do have, can you move to be closer to his family?

BruFord · 27/12/2024 04:25

How are they “trying their best” when they excluded you from Christmas dinner? It makes no sense to me why everyone couldn’t have a dinner together tbh.

Just wondering -do you get on well with your sisters? You don’t think it’s them who are pushing your Mum to exclude you?

Aibuquestiononrelationship · 27/12/2024 05:12

"we were the only ones excluded from Christmas so we’re focussing on our own little family” or similar. Don’t let them distract from what they’ve done by engaging with anything they allege you’ve done - make sure the fact that you have been left out is repeated ad nauseam."

DBSFstupid · 27/12/2024 05:22

TwoSwansFromMyWindow · 26/12/2024 21:53

I agree, there will be a reason.Are your kids a handful? Does your DH get vry drunk? Do you think they like him well enough in general?

It's crap for you, I know, but there will definitely be a reason.

Edited
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Um - the reason is that the OP is the step daughter of the Father. Her Siblings are the blood daughters. This explains everything and is absolutely enough of a reason.

IggyAce · 27/12/2024 05:28

So sorry OP, I’d just block your mother and start focusing on your own family. Is it possible to move closer to your in laws? If you can I would move and not tell any of them.

NoBodyIdRatherBe · 27/12/2024 05:37

Your mum is angry because she’s been called out and knows you have a point. Would you treat your own children like this? I’d go low contact and maybe have some time with no contact to reassess.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 27/12/2024 05:37

CoolMoose · 25/12/2024 18:36

There’s no reason that I can understand. That’s one of the reasons I really struggle with it.

I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I’m not the biological child of my stepdad and my younger sisters are.

Show quote history

I expect this is it. I can't imagine doing that to any of my children, I'm sure you can't too, no decent person treats their children like that. It says a lot about your mum and step dad that they've done this. They're not good people, I'm sorry you got a shit mum OP and no you don't need to be grateful for being excluded by your family. They won't ever see your side because they don't want to. There's nothing you can do to fix this because the fault lies with them and they don't want to fix things. They want you to shut up about it and be thankful for whatever crumbs they give you so they don't have to feel bad for excluding you. This is exclusion and they know that and they don't want to face, they want you to toe the line so they can go on excluding you without feeling guilty.

DBSFstupid · 27/12/2024 05:39

OP you need to be very strong here. Do not back down. Please don't as their behaviour will never change, I can guarantee it. Please set yourself free from the lot of them. You have taken the first step so don't lose momentum.
You didn't even know your stepfather was ill? It says it all.
You weren't invited on Christmas Day? It says it all.
Do not be blindsided by them. Just say that you were not invited for Christmas. On repeat. They can't escape that.
You are not a second class citizen to your own bloody family.