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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family always leave me out at Christmas…

233 replies

CoolMoose · 25/12/2024 18:30

As the title says really, my family always leave me out at Christmas. I have several sisters and they have children and they are always invited to my parents at Christmas. They can sleep over and have Christmas dinner together and everything.

Last year I kicked up a bit of a fuss because we are never invited Christmas Eve/Christmas Day or Boxing Day. I made it clear to my parents that it hurts that they never want to see me, my husband and children at Christmas but always have my sisters over. After being ignored for several days after saying I felt upset, my parents said we could go to theirs for dinner last year but they said it was the last time they were having anyone over at Christmas because they are getting too old (early 60s).

So fast forward to this year, I assumed no one was going around over Christmas and my parents told me that they were assigning a set day to each child over the festive period to make it more manageable. I was totally ok with that until I tried to call everyone today to wish my sisters and parents merry Christmas. No one answered at first, then my sister called me back. It turns out they are all round my parents for Christmas dinner whereas we have been assigned New Year’s Day.

AIBU for now not wanting to go on New Year’s Day? I have only seen my parents twice in the last 12 months because they always make excuses, but I find it stressful to constantly put my feelings aside…

OP posts:
EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 27/12/2024 05:47

CoolMoose · 27/12/2024 00:00

There are mixed reactions from my sisters. One sister is annoyed at me and says I should be grateful that my parents are trying their best, the other rang me and said she didn’t realise I felt that way but she thinks I misunderstand my parents good intentions. She also said that my stepdad hasn’t been well (which I knew nothing about) so I should think about my decision to raise this because it’s very stressful for parents.

My DH family are lovely, but they live so far away and my biological dad has been zero contact since I was about 11 and he went off to live in another country with his new wife.

Screw that. This is not them trying their best, this isn't good intentions either, a young child could see this is them excluding you. This is just more shut up and toe the line so no one has to feel bad, except you of course, zero consideration for you or your kids and how much this hurts you all. We had a grandparent that was more interested in their other grandchildren from their favourite daughter, we realised as tweens that we'd always be second best. Not something I'd ever let my kids go through.

Username19832756 · 27/12/2024 06:42

I am so sorry OP, this is so so hurtful 😢 this is a reflection of them and their awful behaviour, not of you, as made evident by your mum going on the defensive when you expressed how you felt. A ‘normal’ reaction would be to feel upset you had hurt the feelings of someone you loved and try to make amends - the fact she turned it around and put it back on you shows how self centred she is. She’ll now look for external validation to support her actions, but take it from us. You’ve been treated appallingly and do not deserve this at all. Do you see anyone about your family issues? If not it might be worth you finding a therapist and building a relationship with them to start helping to protect yourself from these situations xx

MeanWeedratStew · 27/12/2024 06:49

I agree with the PP who suggested moving closer to the ILs if possible, and not telling your family. Your kids would have more contact with grandparents who actually love and want them, and as a mother myself, I bet the exclusion of your children hurts even more than the exclusion of yourself.

I dunno it’s just something for you and your DH to think about/discuss. In the meantime, I advise blocking your so-called family and having no further contact. I know it’s hard, but we are not talking about a proper loving family here. They aren’t and they never will be. You might be surprised by how relieved you feel once you’ve freed yourself from their toxicity.

I’m sorry OP. You seem to be the only decent human being in a family of arseholes. Sending hugs. ♥️

Createausername1970 · 27/12/2024 06:57

CoolMoose · 27/12/2024 00:00

There are mixed reactions from my sisters. One sister is annoyed at me and says I should be grateful that my parents are trying their best, the other rang me and said she didn’t realise I felt that way but she thinks I misunderstand my parents good intentions. She also said that my stepdad hasn’t been well (which I knew nothing about) so I should think about my decision to raise this because it’s very stressful for parents.

My DH family are lovely, but they live so far away and my biological dad has been zero contact since I was about 11 and he went off to live in another country with his new wife.

I find it weird that your sisters have never questioned why you weren't there every Christmas. Were they being told you didn't want to be there?

And if your step-dad had been unwell, how come they never told you?

It's all a bit crap and it's going to be difficult to navigate, but you aren't wrong in wanting to pull away from it.

CreationNat1on · 27/12/2024 07:11

They are arse holes, so are the sisters guilt tripping you. It's easy to be generous of spirit when they are included in the main day, and the secret of their nuclear family.

Is it possible that your mum and step dad consider you to be more capable and more adult, that you can cope with their poorly considered choices, better than the others?

Your mother is at fault here, she should be prioritising you.

MintShaker · 27/12/2024 07:21

There's always three sides to a story so it's impossible to judge who's right and who's not.

MintShaker · 27/12/2024 07:24

Nextyearhopes · 25/12/2024 18:32

This is so nasty OP. I am so sorry.
Is there any reason why they are favoured over you? Has there ever been an issue? Or are they just not nice?

(makes me happy to be an only child and have an only child)

I wouldn't wish being an only child on my worst enemy. It's never good

ThePoshUns · 27/12/2024 08:19

Would you consider moving closer to your in laws?

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 27/12/2024 09:15

MintShaker · 27/12/2024 07:21

There's always three sides to a story so it's impossible to judge who's right and who's not.

Edited

No one is asking you to "judge". It's actually very telling that you assume that's your role here.

Quitelikeit · 27/12/2024 09:33

What she is doing is going on the attack and trying to deflect

Has she actually answered you as to why yet again you have been excluded on Xmas day?

perhaps you should answer that for her? That it’s because you are the black sheep because you are not a full child of theirs

Op be brave - these people are so vile

And so what if step father is ill - he didn’t care about your thoughts and feelings when you have been constantly excluded!

moggerhanger · 27/12/2024 09:47

OP, it was the wise women of Mumsnet that introduced me to the concept of DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. As in:

I didn't do it
If I did do it, it's your fault
Look what I've suffered because of you, boo hoo, poor me.

My own mother did it whenever i called out shitty behaviour, but I didn't recognise it for what it was until I read about it on here. I think your mother is doing it too.

Pillarsofsalt · 27/12/2024 10:25

OP I want to echo the people who have said to focus on your lovely little family. Look at your children and your husband, look at how you treat each other and invest your energy into that. You don’t deserve the way you have been treated.

LushLemonTart · 27/12/2024 10:38

moggerhanger · 27/12/2024 09:47

OP, it was the wise women of Mumsnet that introduced me to the concept of DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. As in:

I didn't do it
If I did do it, it's your fault
Look what I've suffered because of you, boo hoo, poor me.

My own mother did it whenever i called out shitty behaviour, but I didn't recognise it for what it was until I read about it on here. I think your mother is doing it too.

Exactly this.

I hope you're still reading @CoolMoose and finding strength from our support.

blubberyboo · 27/12/2024 11:47

Your sisters are trying to minimise their part in all of this. There is no way they couldn’t have not noticed you missing each year and questioned why.

don’t let them guilt trip you about step dad illness.

just say “if I had been included in the family I would have known he was ill and could even have helped. I’m amazed that you didn’t ever ask mum why I was never included. Why is mum choosing to get angry at me when it was her choice each year to leave me out? I’m allowed to advocate for myself”

do not shoulder any blame or guilt over this. If it ruins their Xmas so what.
next year plan ahead and arrange to go stay near to where your in laws live and spend time with them.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 27/12/2024 12:05

blubberyboo · 27/12/2024 11:47

Your sisters are trying to minimise their part in all of this. There is no way they couldn’t have not noticed you missing each year and questioned why.

don’t let them guilt trip you about step dad illness.

just say “if I had been included in the family I would have known he was ill and could even have helped. I’m amazed that you didn’t ever ask mum why I was never included. Why is mum choosing to get angry at me when it was her choice each year to leave me out? I’m allowed to advocate for myself”

do not shoulder any blame or guilt over this. If it ruins their Xmas so what.
next year plan ahead and arrange to go stay near to where your in laws live and spend time with them.

I couldn't imagine not asking where/why one sibling wasn't present, unless their parents lied and said OP didn't want to come they have no excuse for pretending they didn't know about this.

AngelicKaty · 27/12/2024 13:26

NoBodyIdRatherBe · 27/12/2024 05:37

Your mum is angry because she’s been called out and knows you have a point. Would you treat your own children like this? I’d go low contact and maybe have some time with no contact to reassess.

Totally agree. (How OP's mother can think she occupies the moral high ground here is beyond belief!). I would go NC and wait for DM to contact me (and even after that I would remain low contact). If DM doesn't make contact, that would tell me all I need to know.

LinaLouLa · 29/12/2024 19:37

Actions speak louder than words. In this case, your parents have spoken very loud! 100% I wouldn't be going to the pity invite on NYD. Let her have her hissy fit. They're nasty and if none of the rest of them can see this, then they are all just as bad. Fuck em.

Haveanaiceday · 29/12/2024 19:52

Concentrate on your Dh and Dcs and any friends who you might like to invite, and if you want to include more people in your Christmas season maybe volunteer to help with a Christmas charity event .

sherbertcandy · 29/12/2024 19:55

Personally I would cut ties as you don't need them in your life. Just don't go on 'scheduled' day and don't phone. They know where you are and concentrate on your own family x

Pherian · 29/12/2024 19:56

Why are you trying to force yourself onto people that don’t want you around.

I understand you are family, but if they don’t want to make the effort to see you, then why are you trying to play happy families and force the situation?

Do you have in-laws ? Do they want to see you ? Then go see them. If not, celebrate with your own family and don’t bother with them anymore. I wouldn’t even give them the courtesy of informing them that you won’t be around for new years, just don’t turn up.

So sorry you’re going through this.

Kitkat1523 · 29/12/2024 19:57

CoolMoose · 25/12/2024 18:36

There’s no reason that I can understand. That’s one of the reasons I really struggle with it.

I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I’m not the biological child of my stepdad and my younger sisters are.

Show quote history

That will be the reason

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 29/12/2024 20:00

MintShaker · 27/12/2024 07:24

I wouldn't wish being an only child on my worst enemy. It's never good

Show quote history

Rubbish.

You may not like being an only child but plenty of us are very happy with the situation.

zdcgbjm · 29/12/2024 20:04

I had a similar situation in my family. My parents divorced and Dad remarried. His wife didn't like me. I was excluded from multiple family events for years. My brother and step brothers would be together with them and we would just not be invited. I decided to just accept it, as it was the only way to have a relationship with my Dad.

Being excluded like that is so very hurtful. There isn't really any coming back from it. You will always feel hurt for how you have been treated even if they do start to behave differently. You have to find a way to live with that and do what you need to do. Be it acceptance, challenging them or cutting them out altogether.

No need to rush to any decisions though.

Porkychops · 29/12/2024 20:07

How on earth were they 'doing their best' by having a secret family meal together? If you can be bothered you could ask your sisters how they would feel if something similar happened to them. But onwards and upwards, think about your own lovely family.

BeAzureAnt · 29/12/2024 20:14

Petrasings · 25/12/2024 21:07

It’s also worth noting that you are serving a purpose to the group, by being ostracised, it makes the others feel ‘chosen’ they are also aware of what happens when you step our if line. Thus keeping them all exactly where your parents want them. It’s awful manipulative behaviour but you can’t change them. They will gas light you and say it is you.

Try to go low contact, stop making arrangements or asking them for their time and love. It is demeaning. Choose to organise your life with those that love you. If your siblings care, they will form an individual bond with you - but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

This is a good comment. OP, you don’t have to beg for attention and love. that’s just cruel on their part. Cancel New Year’s, and just go low or no contact. You don’t have to announce it, you just do it.

Act as though you aren’t bothered. That will take the fun out of it for them.