Family always leave me out at Christmas…

[CoolMoose]

As the title says really, my family always leave me out at Christmas. I have several sisters and they have children and they are always invited to my parents at Christmas. They can sleep over and have Christmas dinner together and everything.

Last year I kicked up a bit of a fuss because we are never invited Christmas Eve/Christmas Day or Boxing Day. I made it clear to my parents that it hurts that they never want to see me, my husband and children at Christmas but always have my sisters over. After being ignored for several days after saying I felt upset, my parents said we could go to theirs for dinner last year but they said it was the last time they were having anyone over at Christmas because they are getting too old (early 60s).

So fast forward to this year, I assumed no one was going around over Christmas and my parents told me that they were assigning a set day to each child over the festive period to make it more manageable. I was totally ok with that until I tried to call everyone today to wish my sisters and parents merry Christmas. No one answered at first, then my sister called me back. It turns out they are all round my parents for Christmas dinner whereas we have been assigned New Year’s Day.

AIBU for now not wanting to go on New Year’s Day? I have only seen my parents twice in the last 12 months because they always make excuses, but I find it stressful to constantly put my feelings aside…

So incredibly cruel, the lying and the exclusion. I’d want nothing to do with them but that’s very easy to say. Do you feel able to challenge them about this? How easily could you go NC? Big hugs to you OP

I posted something very similar earlier. I’m also the oldest of 3 girls and I have a different father to them. I’m sure that’s the issue for me 😔 I’m sorry you are in the same sort of situation

Oh good grief, they're awful. Early 60s as well, so it's not like they're struggling with health. It's plain mean and you don't need to engage with it. Do your own thing from now on, it will be so liberating. X

Oh god that's horrible. I am so sorry you have to deal with such thoughtlessness. I don't think I would want to make effort if I was singled out so clearly. And I wouldn't go at NY either.

Well - it sounds as if that is the reason then, unless there are things that you haven't mentioned or perhaps aren't aware of.
It looks very much as if your mum has let you down by failing to insist on treating you the same as her other daughters and grandchildren. Horribly upsetting for you.

Same type of dynamic in my blended ‘family’ - I now only see them rarely and on my terms. Feel like having those boundaries is better for my mental health. Without the drama of cutting off all contact.

That’s shocking behaviour on their part, and the deception…I am sorry you are going through this OP.

That’s awful. There’s really no excuse for such hurtful behaviour. They’ve lied to you! Is your stepdad in control and your Mum kind of under the thumb?

Your stepdad preferring his other children may be understandable, although awful behaviour.

But why is your mother going along with it. Surely as her firstborn you should count just as much as her other children. Her behaviour towards you is despicable.

So, OP as you have tried to explain to them how their exclusion of you in family activities deeply hurts you and they have continued to do so, you need to walk away from them. Let the golden children deal with them in their old age.

Focus on your yourself and partner and children and go no contact. It'll be hard to do, but better than feeling constantly worthless due to their actions in not giving you a thought and not including you in things.

I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I’m not the biological child of my stepdad and my younger sisters are.

What a shower. Call it out and don't go New Years

You obviously feel very resentful this favouritism. Don't go at NY. Tell them all to fo.

This is why. What a pair of shitters.

This is incredibly cruel of them and is intentionally done to be hurtful. My husbands mother is the same. It has taken him years of counselling to realise that he is not the problem at all - and that it is them that is missing out.

I'm so sorry that this is how they've treated you at Xmas OP. From someone who has been through the same, just taking a whilst to process it hurts, be kind to yourself.

Honestly OP in your shoes I'd tell them all that this was the last straw, you will not be visiting nor communicating with any of them in the Future nor do you want to hear any attempts to justify their exclusion of you. Because there is none.

It's particularly shitty of your "mother" to treat you so markedly differently from her other children. What a cold bitch.

You have your family - your DH and your children, plus friends. You don't need the other bastards, truly.

Make the change for 2025. Don't allow them to hurt you ever, ever again.

This is such nasty behaviour, even if your step dad doesn't see you and your children as family your mum most definitely should.
I have been through the same situation myself and told them all to go fuck themselves, it's been 12 years now no contact and I'm glad. I wasn't about to teach my son that he's the poor relation that deserves less than the children he saw as his cousins. It was hard but I know I did the right thing. Your mum in particular is disgusting to go along with this shit. Sorry op, I know how hurtful it is. Make your own family Christmas traditions going forward and only allow the family that show they genuinely care into your children's lives from now on.

Sometimes I wonder what goes on in my mums head and other mums that do the same. For me I think my mum wants to forget or distance herself from that time in her life (she was shitty to me growing up) and in her mind has now created this ‘perfect’ new family.

You need to adjust your expectations and match their energy. For your own sake. I'd cancel new year and have some space. It's not fair and you don't deserve it but expecting your family to make an effort is leaving you perpetually disappointed. Invest your time in those who deserve it.

It’s also worth noting that you are serving a purpose to the group, by being ostracised, it makes the others feel ‘chosen’ they are also aware of what happens when you step our if line. Thus keeping them all exactly where your parents want them. It’s awful manipulative behaviour but you can’t change them. They will gas light you and say it is you.

Try to go low contact, stop making arrangements or asking them for their time and love. It is demeaning. Choose to organise your life with those that love you. If your siblings care, they will form an individual bond with you - but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Ask your mother directly, alone, to her face, so you can gauge her reaction.
Is she allowing discrimination between her children, because of who the father is?
Did you have issues accepting him in the family at first? Or any troubles over the teenage years with him?
Are you in contact with your father and his family? Are they assuming you spend Christmas with him/ his side? Did you use to spend Christmas at your father's growing up?

This is awful and it would make me go no contact. U deserve better than this. Ur family are dicks, and I wouldn't go back even if they wanted.
Start making ur own traditions for Xmas. Rise above this, you are better than this. Teach ur kids they are important to you and no one else
Matters, this is a reflection on them and not u.
I hope the rest of ur Xmas is better. Makes New Year's resolution to put yourself first. Don't let anyone else knock u down.

You might find this thread helpful, OP. Plenty of very challenging family dynamics, and how to navigate them:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5178966-october-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

WHY haven't you confronted your Mum about it????? I abso-fucking-lutely would be wanting an answer to precisely why it's ok for one DD but not the other. Put her on the spot! Don't enable her by being a 'good little girl' and sweeping it under the rug

That's really nasty, especially how they lied.
You deserve so much better!

I agree with this.

I'm so sorry you're being left out.

I’d message that you won’t be going to theirs on New Years Day

Then radio silence.

Don’t block them on anything, just don’t initiate any conversation then if they do get in touch treat them like everything they say is probably not true as their dementia is taking hold
Afterall, telling one invitee to Christmas Day that they are only doing NYD but then going ahead with Christmas Day for everyone else is surely a bit more than forgetful

However I doubt you will hear from them again

Just make sure that you aren’t the one that they have earmarked out as the child who will be looking after them in their old age
Whilst they let their golden children live their lives and inherit everything.