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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family always leave me out at Christmas…

233 replies

CoolMoose · 25/12/2024 18:30

As the title says really, my family always leave me out at Christmas. I have several sisters and they have children and they are always invited to my parents at Christmas. They can sleep over and have Christmas dinner together and everything.

Last year I kicked up a bit of a fuss because we are never invited Christmas Eve/Christmas Day or Boxing Day. I made it clear to my parents that it hurts that they never want to see me, my husband and children at Christmas but always have my sisters over. After being ignored for several days after saying I felt upset, my parents said we could go to theirs for dinner last year but they said it was the last time they were having anyone over at Christmas because they are getting too old (early 60s).

So fast forward to this year, I assumed no one was going around over Christmas and my parents told me that they were assigning a set day to each child over the festive period to make it more manageable. I was totally ok with that until I tried to call everyone today to wish my sisters and parents merry Christmas. No one answered at first, then my sister called me back. It turns out they are all round my parents for Christmas dinner whereas we have been assigned New Year’s Day.

AIBU for now not wanting to go on New Year’s Day? I have only seen my parents twice in the last 12 months because they always make excuses, but I find it stressful to constantly put my feelings aside…

OP posts:
Piper194 · 29/12/2024 20:15

I could have written this myself.
my parents have always been closer to my sister and think I’m a bit of a snob now that I have a nice home/work part time/ have a husband that puts about 18 hours a day into his business 😖
I was in tears after seeing some Facebook posts this year and text my mum to say I find Xmas especially hard as I am always left out. She replied with a text saying ‘firstly I have only done these few things and your sister pays for every one of them’
She said i will always have your children if you ask, but I don’t want to have to ask. I want her to just spend time with us because she wants to. It’s almost like she doesn’t enjoy my company and cannot tolerate being with me.

it’s like I’m banging my head against the wall with them. They will never see my point of view. I’m hoping I can be stronger moving into 2025 because I am 41 and it still hurts like hell to be treated so unfairly.
sending you lots of love and strength OP X

Hwi · 29/12/2024 20:16

Maybe it is time to ask 'what have I done to deserve this' and then write an honest and maybe long list?

MJconfessions · 29/12/2024 20:16

To be honest I think your parentage has everything to do with this. You’re forever the step-child essentially.

I think it’s telling how your stepdad is unwell, and his biological kids were made aware. They (him and your mum) purposely didn’t think you needed to know, because they don’t see you as on the same level as your siblings. The fact he’s unwell and they all spent Christmas together rallying around him, without you, just suggests they don’t see you as close family. They see those 4, as the proper family unit.

I think part of this is fuelled by your stepdad but ultimately your mother feels the same. Her volatile reaction to you is telling. She probably sees her other daughters as her do-over/proper family. And she probably sees you, as horrible as it sounds, as an afterthought. A “mistake”, a relic of her past, an embodiment of her ex/your dad etc.

The fact she’s banging on about how things will be different, she’s done with you, she’s fuming and swearing etc just suggests she has a really unhealthy opinion of you. She just doesn’t like you frankly.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2024 20:22

Dancingontheedge · 25/12/2024 18:39

There’s got to be more to the story than this.
Do they…
dislike your husband?
find your children challenging?
have always favoured siblings over you?
argue with one or more of your family whenever you come to visit?
are just nasty people to be avoided?

Do you see them or your sisters at other times of the year?

I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I’m not the biological child of my stepdad and my younger sisters are.

Possibly this.

Notsomarryfloppins · 29/12/2024 20:31

I'm the you in my family.
(Texts get no reply, calls go back to my sisters lives, we don't get invited to things, my invites to them get ignored) I have no clue why, I'm nice, so are my kids, husband is caring and has offered to help them etc. It's shit and all I can say is look after your own needs.

Lickedthespoon · 29/12/2024 20:35

OP, how are you feeling now? I'm so sorry they've treated you like this. They all have a part to play in this by allowing it to happen.

Hope you had the best Christmas with your family ❤️

Sunbeam01 · 29/12/2024 20:39

That's awful OP.

Well done for standing up for yourself.

You're being bullied by your family - wtf.

Keep strong. Surely in time they will come to their senses and make a genuine apology - if not, move on. Life is too short for this shit.

HollyKnight · 29/12/2024 20:41

I agree with others. This is giving vibes of they are a family and you are just the stepchild/half sister. You'll always be an afterthought. I don't have any advice, but my pride wouldn't stand for this. I would relegate those relationships to "relatives" rather than "family".

GivingitToGod · 29/12/2024 20:41

CoolMoose · 25/12/2024 18:36

There’s no reason that I can understand. That’s one of the reasons I really struggle with it.

I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I’m not the biological child of my stepdad and my younger sisters are.

Show quote history

Very upsetting situation OP, you have every right to be upset. You not being the biological daughter of your stepdad shouldn't make any difference at all.
I wouldn't go on NYD but I would be seeking an honest answer from your mum.

GivingitToGod · 29/12/2024 20:42

MJconfessions · 29/12/2024 20:16

To be honest I think your parentage has everything to do with this. You’re forever the step-child essentially.

I think it’s telling how your stepdad is unwell, and his biological kids were made aware. They (him and your mum) purposely didn’t think you needed to know, because they don’t see you as on the same level as your siblings. The fact he’s unwell and they all spent Christmas together rallying around him, without you, just suggests they don’t see you as close family. They see those 4, as the proper family unit.

I think part of this is fuelled by your stepdad but ultimately your mother feels the same. Her volatile reaction to you is telling. She probably sees her other daughters as her do-over/proper family. And she probably sees you, as horrible as it sounds, as an afterthought. A “mistake”, a relic of her past, an embodiment of her ex/your dad etc.

The fact she’s banging on about how things will be different, she’s done with you, she’s fuming and swearing etc just suggests she has a really unhealthy opinion of you. She just doesn’t like you frankly.

Bloody hell, this is EXTREME

Original poster
CoolMoose · 29/12/2024 20:43

Thank you so much to all of you who have taken the time to comment.

I have returned to this post over the last few days and it’s really helped me to realise that I don’t have to feel guilty about not going NYD and for saying how I feel.

Ive told my parents how they make me feel and my mum called me, but sadly only to let me know how angry she is and how grateful I should be. They have said they will be in contact sometime after the new year now and so I’m just going to leave it there for now.

I’m sorry to hear that some others are experiencing the same and I hope you find a way through.

OP posts:
Gabitule · 29/12/2024 20:45

OP, my heart goes to you, the rejection must feel so painful.

I don’t want to upset you but, other than being a step child to your mother’s husband, could you think of any other reasons that might make them want to avoid spending time with you? For example, my best friend is much more successful than her family and is also a bit ‘colder’ in her personality. Her mother prefers to spend her time with my friend’s sister who is warm and super chatty and humble. Of course my best friend is an amazing human, which is why she is my best friend, but I can see how her mother’s personality (and social status) makes it easier for her to connect with her other daughter.

You said you are successful. Is it possible that your parents think that you’re looking down on them or being arrogant about your success?
Are you perceived as difficult to communicate with, argumentative, etc?

You don’t need to reply to this message, just answer these questions to yourself.

i would also suggest asking your DSs to tell you honestly if they think there’s anything in your behaviour which your parents might struggle with.

please believe me that I’m not trying to suggest you are to blame at all for how your parents are treating you, but it’s important to look at things from all points of view

JANEY205 · 29/12/2024 20:45

I would not take the call and would block your mother for a bit. Take back the control here or you will find yourself so anxious waiting for the call. Your mother is AWFUL.

OrNo · 29/12/2024 20:46

I honestly don't think you've done anything wrong. At the moment your mum is feeling shame because you've called her out on her excluding you.

Anyone knows New Year's Day is not comparable to Christmas Day. She's treating you differently to your sisters AND has hidden/tried to hide the fact you were excluded from Christmas Day.

I would gently step away from your other family and look inwards at the family you've created. You will only continue to be hurt if you have high expectations of your other family.

Frontroomroomjungle · 29/12/2024 20:50

OP, after I went NC with my parents I got a rant email about everything they'd done for me, how awful I was being and their expectations of me. The second to last line was something like "if you're in some sort of trouble we might be able to help".

For all they knew, OH was controlling me and cutting me off from everyone (he wasn't). But it wasn't the warmest invitation to seek help. They all have the same script that they trot out variations of.

I hope you also find the Stately Homes thread and that can also give you some support.

Wintersgirl · 29/12/2024 20:52

MintShaker · 27/12/2024 07:21

There's always three sides to a story so it's impossible to judge who's right and who's not.

Edited

Are you the OPs Mother or Sister?

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 20:52

I'm really sorry, OP. That's horrible. Hugs xxx

I wonder if it's your stepdad more than your mum, and she's going along?

I don't know how any couple can treat a child like this, including an adult one. I'm so glad you have a nice life of your own, OP.

Edit: What do you sisters say about it all?

Sugargliderwombat · 29/12/2024 20:53

This is awful op. I hope you can find a way to cut them out, they don't deserve yours or your families love.

BeAzureAnt · 29/12/2024 20:54

I’m sorry OP. Your mother is really out of line here. Just go low contact. Engaging with her/stepdad/sisters is just going to be hurtful in future, and no one needs that.

BananaSpanner · 29/12/2024 20:55

CoolMoose · 29/12/2024 20:43

Thank you so much to all of you who have taken the time to comment.

I have returned to this post over the last few days and it’s really helped me to realise that I don’t have to feel guilty about not going NYD and for saying how I feel.

Ive told my parents how they make me feel and my mum called me, but sadly only to let me know how angry she is and how grateful I should be. They have said they will be in contact sometime after the new year now and so I’m just going to leave it there for now.

I’m sorry to hear that some others are experiencing the same and I hope you find a way through.

What does your mum say about why you weren’t invited for Christmas and your sisters were and why it was kept secret from you?

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 20:55

MintShaker · 27/12/2024 07:21

There's always three sides to a story so it's impossible to judge who's right and who's not.

Edited

I couldn't disagree more strongly. Yes, often there are three sides...but sometimes there are just horrible people being mean to someone who doesn't deserve it.

MegaClutterSlut · 29/12/2024 20:57

Really shitty behaviour on their part, just nasty. Would never treat my dc this way, surprised your sisters dont question it either. I think for your own MH, it's best to step back, they clearly don't give a shit

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 20:58

CoolMoose · 29/12/2024 20:43

Thank you so much to all of you who have taken the time to comment.

I have returned to this post over the last few days and it’s really helped me to realise that I don’t have to feel guilty about not going NYD and for saying how I feel.

Ive told my parents how they make me feel and my mum called me, but sadly only to let me know how angry she is and how grateful I should be. They have said they will be in contact sometime after the new year now and so I’m just going to leave it there for now.

I’m sorry to hear that some others are experiencing the same and I hope you find a way through.

I'm really glad that you expressed yourself to your "family."

AfraidToRun · 29/12/2024 21:02

I'm the "never ask for anything" child, eventually this got interpretated as being the "thinks she's better than us" child, when it's really "you were never there for me so I learned to shut up" child. I have no words of wisdom, but you are not alone.

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 21:02

maddening · 25/12/2024 19:42

I would message a group message to them all to ask why you are not welcome in the family at Christmas

Yes. Stand up for yourself, OP. The relationship is shot anyway, might as well let them know that you've noticed their treatment of you and it's not good enough.