Family always leave me out at Christmas…

[CoolMoose]

As the title says really, my family always leave me out at Christmas. I have several sisters and they have children and they are always invited to my parents at Christmas. They can sleep over and have Christmas dinner together and everything.

Last year I kicked up a bit of a fuss because we are never invited Christmas Eve/Christmas Day or Boxing Day. I made it clear to my parents that it hurts that they never want to see me, my husband and children at Christmas but always have my sisters over. After being ignored for several days after saying I felt upset, my parents said we could go to theirs for dinner last year but they said it was the last time they were having anyone over at Christmas because they are getting too old (early 60s).

So fast forward to this year, I assumed no one was going around over Christmas and my parents told me that they were assigning a set day to each child over the festive period to make it more manageable. I was totally ok with that until I tried to call everyone today to wish my sisters and parents merry Christmas. No one answered at first, then my sister called me back. It turns out they are all round my parents for Christmas dinner whereas we have been assigned New Year’s Day.

AIBU for now not wanting to go on New Year’s Day? I have only seen my parents twice in the last 12 months because they always make excuses, but I find it stressful to constantly put my feelings aside…

@CoolMoose Just read your updates. She's been caught out so her response is to come out guns blazing. I think this would be the last straw for me. Their behaviour was incredibly cruel in the first place, but to try to blame and punish you for it? Also, the sisters don't sound much better. Has anyone actually owned and apologised for their behaviour? They've all been awful. The audacity to turn around and blame you.

My partner has a child from a previous relationship. I'm the one who is always trying to instigate get togethers because not only are the sibling bonds important, but she is too. They're all just so hearless. I don't care if your stepfather has been ill - he wants his backside kicking. As for your mother, I think all this would be unforgivable for me and no, I wouldn't be calling in the new year, or answering either.

Focus on those who deserve your love.

Exactly! Well said!

I wonder if this is the case too..... sadly you may never know, but given that your self-esteem is battered on a yearly basis by this behaviour, maybe time to make a new tradition of something good with your DH and kids and be non-contact/grey rock with your siblings and parents over this stressful time?

So your sisters all go round on Xmas day and also seem to know not to tell you. Why do they think you aren’t there?

start making your own family traditions. Or next year just turn up on Xmas day and stroll in like you were invited 😂

do you see your parents at other times in the year? Is your step dad controlling? It’s just really mean

This is totally crap for you OP. I'm gutted for you. My advice is to step back, let them contact you, or not, mourn
the loss, and move on without them. Big hugs 🫂

Your mother’s reaction to your message was unforgivable. How dare she be fuming about waste food and call you ungrateful. You do not need these people in your life, they should have been contrite when you rightly called them out. They are unpleasant and shameless. Create your own community of people who love you and your family.

Why not simply accept it?

Tell them you had a brilliant Christmas, New Year doing your own thing, and this is the future for you. Maybe even go on holiday, preferably somewhere warm if you could afford it.

You sound lovely and tbh they sound truly unkind and hurtful. I'm so sorry you have had to experience this. Sadly your sisters don't deserve you, and your mum/stepfather certainly don't. Low/minimal contact for the foreseeable is probably best.. and plan a wonderful Christmas for 2025 which won't involve waiting on an invite from mum/SF. Take care of yourself in 2025, and cherish yourself, your DH & DC x

It's bad enough with blood siblings where some relationships are better than others.
When you're a stepchild, it's magnified.

I had a friend who had two younger stepsisters and a blood sister.

Her mum treated the older two like imposters to her new perfect family.

Friend and blood sister had a word with their mum, they were involved more after that but remember a garden party where the step sisters and mum exchanged a certain look when my friend walked past.
Couldn't bring myself to tell her, but it was an inner circle knowing look.

Till this day, its all pretence and playing happy families.

If that's how they've felt all this time and sisters haven't fought your corner, they won't change unfortunately.

It's not easy to "simply" accept being rejected by your own mother.

I feel your hurt you don't deserve to be made to feel like this.
As hard as this is concentrate on your closest your husband your children and yourself and know that you matter.
Take some time away from them completely see what there reactions are and take it from there.
I'm not close to my mum pur bond is non-existent I finally had to break away I couldn't do it anymore .

@Treesandsheepeverywhere I can only guess it isn't as painful as being rejected by your child, but it deeply hurts your sense of self worth.

OP didn't reject her mum, unless I missed the post.
She's talking of not forcing herself on the family, as she feels rejected each time.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere Oh no, not at all. That isn't what I mean. OP has very obviously bent over backwards for her mother. But I do think it's right up there with the worst kind of hurt you can feel.

This makes my blood boil.

When you have kids your loyalty should be to them first and foremost, you don’t go off essentially create another family and leave them out in the cold.

I think youve been gaslighted your whole life and are just waking up to how horribly you've been treated. Your mother will probably never accept what she has done. I think your best bet is to cut yourself off from these awful people and start surrounding yourself with people who love you for who you are

I know, unfortunately many women do this without a second thought. Only thing keeping the mum from cutting two eldest off completely is because of what people would say more than her actually caring.

It's like she's ashamed to have had a failed marriage that produced kids.

My friend had her mom and siblings round for Christmas for ages, but now that step sisters are older and do the hosting, invites aren't forthcoming as there isn't enough space apparently.

Step sisters sent to private school whilst eldest two in State.

I know some can have happy blended families, but unfortunately there's a lot of pretence too.

So true. I’ve been put in this limbo in the past and the anxiety waiting for the call is awful, it almost sets the next communication up to fail anyway.

I'm really sorry OP. It's very hurtful. Your sisters and mum are unbelievable. You didn't know your stepdad was ill because you're not in the loop. And he was well enough to have your sisters visit but not you. They sound like really unkind people. And when you spoke up they went on the attack which was ridiculous. You could have expected better from your mum. Big hugs. Concentrate on making lovely memories with your own family.

Shitty thing to say seeing there's nothing she can do about it. And it is just your own petty opinion. I'm one of 6 and you haven't touched a nerve. I just can't abide mean for means sake.

OP, avoid discussing with your sisters. It's a delicious drama for them. A thoughtful person would not have mentioned what your mum said.

So sorry to hear this. Though I’m not surprised to hear it. That the other is a step dad is probably exactly what it’s all about eg it’s not you but them. I’ve had similar experiences from a step parent. In fact it was to both me and my brother which helped as we weren’t on our own in dealing with it. Leaving you out it’s horrible. Even in my situation I was invited to some (not all) family occasions. Well in fact just Christmas. And the one year I was uninvited. This step parent would play mind games either me, gas light me, cause issues claiming I’d forgotten important details and would refuse to talk to me if I attended events I was invited to by my dad which she didn’t want me there for. Sometimes being openly spiteful to me and my child in front of others. The one time she even gave me food I was allergic to after checking my food allergies with me beforehand. I think it’s possibly because she sees me as a threat or a reminder of my mum who she always competed against. People can be strange and thoughtless. That you told your mum your feelings and she is fuming tells me she doesn’t get it. Is the step dad working away behind the scenes to cause issues I wonder? Although you seem on your own in dealing with it you have lots of support from the nice online forum in your corner and I hope this helps. Family dynamics can be a nightmare! Maybe get your sisters on side tho can also put pressure on your parents. Maybe make a joke of it …. Eg oh another family party I’m not invited to. Either way stick to your guns and don’t let it eat away at you. They are the ones being not inclusive. You could mix it up and carve up the proceedings by suggesting all doing Christmas together at a different location and seeing how that flues? Best of luck x

This thread has massively resonated with me. I'm one of the older set of children from a previous marriage and recognise so much of this. And am still upset from this year's christmas family gathering. I'm almost 40 FFS but it hurts like nothing else I've experienced.

What I didn't expect was how much more obvious the dynamic would become once my younger siblings became adults. It's ten times worse than it was when we were children.

Sending you my best wishes OP. I understand.

Oh no... This ain't right...
One of them sisters have asked your mother not to invite you.
Why I say this is years ago when my mother was alive.
My youngest sister would say to my mother oh don't invite them I can't stand their youngest son..
She's not got any kids even in her 20s 30s.
They oftern did get togethers without me and my family.
I never said anything. I didn't need to.
My mother just before she died told me and that she was so sorry she let youngest sister control her.
Maybe this is what's been happening to you guys.

You're family is you you're husband and children concentrate on them and yourself i don't see my kids regularly but i don't hold it against them they've got their own family's and lives im here if they need me but Ive got a life to.