Family always leave me out at Christmas…

[CoolMoose]

As the title says really, my family always leave me out at Christmas. I have several sisters and they have children and they are always invited to my parents at Christmas. They can sleep over and have Christmas dinner together and everything.

Last year I kicked up a bit of a fuss because we are never invited Christmas Eve/Christmas Day or Boxing Day. I made it clear to my parents that it hurts that they never want to see me, my husband and children at Christmas but always have my sisters over. After being ignored for several days after saying I felt upset, my parents said we could go to theirs for dinner last year but they said it was the last time they were having anyone over at Christmas because they are getting too old (early 60s).

So fast forward to this year, I assumed no one was going around over Christmas and my parents told me that they were assigning a set day to each child over the festive period to make it more manageable. I was totally ok with that until I tried to call everyone today to wish my sisters and parents merry Christmas. No one answered at first, then my sister called me back. It turns out they are all round my parents for Christmas dinner whereas we have been assigned New Year’s Day.

AIBU for now not wanting to go on New Year’s Day? I have only seen my parents twice in the last 12 months because they always make excuses, but I find it stressful to constantly put my feelings aside…

This is so nasty OP. I am so sorry.
Is there any reason why they are favoured over you? Has there ever been an issue? Or are they just not nice?

(makes me happy to be an only child and have an only child)

There’s no reason that I can understand. That’s one of the reasons I really struggle with it.

I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I’m not the biological child of my stepdad and my younger sisters are.

Not only is it hurtful and nasty but it's clearly premeditated.

OP do you also have your dad in your life if it's your step dad and mum? I'm very sorry to say its clear they don't see you as part of the family unit and I'd really consider going no contact to protect yourself from consistent abuse.

Start your 2025 by being stronger and not accepting people like this in your life.

There’s got to be more to the story than this.
Do they…
dislike your husband?
find your children challenging?
have always favoured siblings over you?
argue with one or more of your family whenever you come to visit?
are just nasty people to be avoided?

Do you see them or your sisters at other times of the year?

I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I’m not the biological child of my stepdad and my younger sisters are.

This is almost certainly it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds unbelievably hurtful ☹️

That's really shit op. Fuck them off they don't deserve to see you or your family.

Op pull back and don’t go new years .. you are too good for them and the better person 💐 this is incredibly painful for you - such cruel behaviour. I am having a rough time with my parents who I am now estranged from due to dirty looks etc when I visit and constant criticism. It cuts deep

look after yourself op

It will be that…not that it is acceptable at all. How horrible. Don’t go at NY.
As for being ‘too old’ at 60 something- bollocks. My gran was hosting Christmas into her 80s.

• There’s no reason that I can understand. That’s one of the reasons I really struggle with it.

I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I’m not the biological child of my stepdad and my younger sisters are.*

I mean... that reads like 'there's no reason but here's this massive reason'. Not a nice reason at all and doesn't speak well of them, but it must be a factor I'm afraid. Unless there's something else going on, like they don't like your DH maybe? Horrible to have to think like this and give them the opportunity to hurt you more.

I’m really sorry to read this. You’ve every right to be hurt. Honestly I would just step back and go low/no contact and I wouldn’t be going on New Year’s Day either. Actually I think I write a letter explaining how hurt you are by being excluded and advise them all that you will be cutting them out of your life for your self preservation. I would then just ignore any messages/calls and get on with my life without keep trying to seek a relationship from them which clearly isn’t the one you want.
Families can be very hurtful
sometimes and I think everyone has a breaking point.

Thank you for all your lovely comments. It is so difficult because I do find myself wanting to be part of and included in a loving family. I'm seriously considering whether I want to move on from my family, although I feel very conflicted about it. I think that if I say how I feel to my parents they would shut me down and I feel more rejected.

I honestly don’t know why it is how it is. I don’t argue with my siblings, I work full-time and have a very successful career/nice lifestyle and never ask for anything or any help. I have never done/said anything mean to anyone in the family. My husband is caring, committed and hard working.

I guess I just wanted to vent because it feels so crap…

They don’t see you as ‘proper’ family like they do the others.
You can’t change that. That’s on them. Either accept the relationship as it is, or walk away. You’ve done nothing wrong. Can you have Christmas and other celebrations with your partners family?

I feel you OP, and yes it sucks and it hurts.
A huge family upset in 2020 really bought home just how much effort I made for them vs how much they made for me. Its probably only been the last 12 to 18mths that I've finally got to the point that I'm just done!
I don't go to vist anymore, i leave it up to them to come (which they dont). I used to get upset, then angry but now....nothing.

I realised the only person I was hurting was myself so everytime something happened I struggled for a bit but rose above it and it did get easier.

Don't waste precious time on people (including family) who can't be bothered with you.

I'm so sorry OP. That's absolutely hideous behaviour from them.
It really is incredibly hurtful. I'd be going NC.
Fancy lying to you about everyone coming on different days then meeting up behind your back. That's no way to treat anyone, let alone family.

Spend time with your real family- DH and child. I wouldn't see them NY as doesn't sound like they care much.

That is so crap OP. I’m so sorry. Did you speak to your sisters in advance of Christmas and ask what they were doing for Xmas? What did they say if so?
Unfortunately parents treating their adult children unequally with regards to Xmas day isn’t uncommon - there have been a few threads on it this year. I just don’t understand why parents don’t at least try to be fair and if there isn’t space for everyone/ difficult logistics then spend it with child a on year, child b the next etc. it might not work every year but it at least tried to treat adult children fairly at Xmas.

Whatever the reason for it, it’s clear they don’t want you around as much as they want your siblings.
For your own mental health, I’d make your excuses for New Year and from now on, focus on your immediate family and friends who do appreciate you.

This is such awful, cruel behaviour from them. I wonder what the narrative is that they tell themselves, to justify what they're doing? People usually have some kind of delusional self-justification for really shitty behaviour but this one seems so blatantly nasty that I don't understand what story they are telling themselves to justify excluding you.

I echo previous posters - I doubt this will improve, as these kind of toxic dynamics tend to be deeply engrained, and you deserve much better than their shitty treatment of you. For the sake of your own sanity, I would detach from them.

I’m this child in my ‘family’, drop the rope we are only second class citizens. It hurts I know.

It’s quite unforgivable that they have lied and done this to you. It’s so hurtful. So painful. So undeserved. Cancel new year and start making your own plans for special occasions. Pull right back, and start making a new family with friends/in laws/neighbours.

Your family will never be there for you, they will never be the loving, decent family you so deserve op. It’s worse to live in hope, better to face up to what they are op. Eventually it will get easier and you can plan to enjoy your life with the people that love you op, and not these awful people that do not respect or love you.

I would message a group message to them all to ask why you are not welcome in the family at Christmas

That's bloody awful, I would be upset aswell. I haven't seen my sibling/nieces/nephew since last christmas. They barely spoke to me, I've tried this year and made suggestions to meet up but I'm getting nothing back, so haven't bothered this year. Haven't got the energy. My parents also favour my sibling in every way, no idea why, I try to not let it bother me but it's hard and it hurts.

I think this not uncommon in blended families. My DH and his brother are a product of my MIL'S first (very young, v abusive) marriage. DH's stepfather did a very good job of raising DH and BIL but there's no denying that their younger half sisters are much closer to MIL and Step FIL than they are. It got to the stage of BIL going no contact with them for about a year after confronting them about it.

I'm so sorry that they're behaving like this, even after you communicated your feelings about it. It's easy for me to say, but I would focus on the family that you've created rather than the one you were landed with by birth and go low/no contact.

I would also find this upsetting. I agree with others who say not to go at New Year and drop the rope with these people - they are showing you who they are and you all deserve better. I'm sorry.

That’s not how good parents behave. I’m sorry that is heartbreaking. I likely would cut them out, it would be easier than how they currently make you feel. If they can’t understand how they behave even worse!