Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

[mariannnnaa]

We’ve got secondary infertility, and our toddler is our only child right now. Because both sets of parents live far away from us and each other, we take turns spending Christmas with them, staying about a week each time. This year, it’s my in-laws’ turn.

The issue is my MIL. She’s desperate to be a grandma again and has always been pushy about it. When I was pregnant with my toddler, she was annoyed we waited until 10 weeks to tell her (instead of immediately). DH and I held off because we knew that, if something went wrong, she’d be the least supportive person. She has no filter and often says things that are thoughtless or hurtful.

We’re currently doing IVF, but the in-laws don’t know. MIL would make it so much worse with her comments. She’s already said things to DH’s cousin like, “When are you finally going to get pregnant?” when they were having IVF, and when she heard about their miscarriage, her reaction was, “Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

Whenever we visit, she won’t stop with the constant “jokey” questions. She’ll say things like, “Can I offer you some wine? Hahaha!” Or if we’re discussing lunch places, it’s, “Sushi? Marianna, SUSHI? What do you think?” with a smug little laugh. If I’m not hungry, it’s, “Ooh, not much appetite? Ginger helped me every time I was, you know, a little queasy…” It’s relentless.

Today, we went to a fair, and just before I got on a ride with my toddler, she pointed to a sign about pregnant women avoiding it and asked, “You’re still going on?” When I nodded, she added, “Guess no grandchild by summer, then!”

DH has already spoken to her and told her to stop. He didn’t mention IVF, but he said her comments are unhelpful and stressful. She just brushes it off with, “Oh, I’m not pressuring anyone! I’m just excited for when it happens.”

Honestly, I’ve had enough. As soon as my toddler wakes up from their nap, I want to leave. I can’t face another sly remark, like, “Want some ice cream? Don’t worry, it’s pasteurised!” I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and IVF is already stressful enough without all of this on top, especially at Christmas. I’d rather spend it alone with my child than pretend I’m fine while trying not to cry every five minutes.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Your DH has tried but she’s not taking you seriously. Maybe leaving will force her to behave better in future.

Do it.

As someone who suffered from secondary infertility I found comments like this beastly.

Maybe it will teach her to keep her tongue behind her teeth.

you have a dh problem
to use the mumsnet phrase…he needs to go nuclear on them!

your mil is also batshit I’d go no contact after this

Tell her you find it upsetting and please stop.

How would you go nuclear on them?

He's said numerous times and it's not worked, she denies doing anything wrong. She says it's just friendly banter and she isn't pressuring, she's just trying to guess. When we ask her not to guess she kind of says ok, stops for a day or so and then does it again

Stop going. Why put yourself through this?
You deserve a medal for not saying something sooner.

Everytime she starts on this say "fuck off"

Pack up and leave and tell her why. It’s the only way she’ll learn to hold her tongue

Easy, stop seeing her, when she asks why tell her that you've given her enough chances and now you're protecting your mental health by not putting yourself in that position any more

If you're not going to invite her at Christmas, DH needs to tell her why.

I have some experience of this from my late mother in law. She was relentless and it led to her being told to shut up or we would go home. I suggest you or your husband do this. Good luck

’Mil, if and when we have something to tell you, we will do so. Until then would you please refrain from making comments alluding to me being pregnant. It’s none of the your business and it’s getting on my nerves.’
She sounds awful, you may just have to be horrible to get the point across.

Tell her you won't be seeing them this year because she's really fucking tedious.

I'm sorry you're in this position OP, I can really see how you want to be able to get her to stop whilst also not telling her anything about your personal situation.

Sounds like boundaries haven't been effective so far, I'd be inclined to move to consequences. If it were me the next time she does it either me or DH would say something like "we've already asked you to stop trying to guess or make comments. We've heard that to you it's banter/ a joke, but we're saying we really don't like it. If you do it again we will be leaving". And then if (when) she does it again you've got your absolute green card to show her that a) her choices have consequences and b) you follow through on your position.

I would seriously leave

So you’re at your MIL’s now? Tell her in front of DH that if she makes even one more comment about pregnancy or babies then you are off.

And mean it.

Remember she is targeting you with this, not her son. She could hassle him with the questions but chooses not to.

Have to say i agree with this!

She's not listening to words, so use actions. Just leave.

Just pack your stuff and tell your DH that you and DC are going home. He has the option of staying or coming with you.

I wouldn't want to be in her company again.

There is a difference between your DH saying ‘please stop with the baby comments’ gently, or more firmly ‘it’s not happening, which is upsetting and you are making us feel worse so stop with the comments immediately. We are not discussing anything further. Or we leave!’

(Different situation to yours, but my MiL used to make comments every time as well after our firstborn, completely unaware that I was desperate for a second child but my husband had changed his mind and it was threatening to destroy our marriage). I knew it wasn't meant maliciously but I can definitely connect with your position of wanting to run away and cry every time something was said.

People don't think, but talking about pregnancy can be such a dodgy topic given it's not something people have any control over and is a deeply personal subject.

I take it you have already arrived or they have if you were at a fair together.

Stop being nice. Your DH has had a word, it's time to take her aside and read the riot act. Quietly and calmly. IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD OR INSINUATION ABOUT PREGNANCY, GRANDCHILDREN AND THE REST I AM LEAVING/I WILL ASK YOU TO LEAVE. It's not funny, it's not banter. It's fucking upsetting and I'm not standing for another minute of it.

No need for your DH to be there - this needs to be 1:1. He's tried and failed.
If they are staying with you, do you have somewhere you can take your toddler to and leave?

Do it.
She'll also be missing out on time with her grandchild, maybe that'll pull her up short.
I hope you have a peaceful, stress free christmas.

Husband needs to but her straight.
Of tell her he's had the snip.

I think I am leaving.
But what exactly do I say without actually saying "we have infertility". I don't want to give that away as I feel it would make everything worse and to me, I'd prefer to keep this private, very very few people know (my parents, my best friend).

I know it's popular advice on MN but this would not make DH go NC with his parents. They will still be in our lives. And I understand that, they might be crappy ones but they're his parents.

Just to add, I kind of misrepresented it in my original post by accident. It's not always us visiting. Sometimes they visit us during the year (not for Xmas, Xmas we are always either at my parents or his).