Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

[mariannnnaa]

We’ve got secondary infertility, and our toddler is our only child right now. Because both sets of parents live far away from us and each other, we take turns spending Christmas with them, staying about a week each time. This year, it’s my in-laws’ turn.

The issue is my MIL. She’s desperate to be a grandma again and has always been pushy about it. When I was pregnant with my toddler, she was annoyed we waited until 10 weeks to tell her (instead of immediately). DH and I held off because we knew that, if something went wrong, she’d be the least supportive person. She has no filter and often says things that are thoughtless or hurtful.

We’re currently doing IVF, but the in-laws don’t know. MIL would make it so much worse with her comments. She’s already said things to DH’s cousin like, “When are you finally going to get pregnant?” when they were having IVF, and when she heard about their miscarriage, her reaction was, “Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

Whenever we visit, she won’t stop with the constant “jokey” questions. She’ll say things like, “Can I offer you some wine? Hahaha!” Or if we’re discussing lunch places, it’s, “Sushi? Marianna, SUSHI? What do you think?” with a smug little laugh. If I’m not hungry, it’s, “Ooh, not much appetite? Ginger helped me every time I was, you know, a little queasy…” It’s relentless.

Today, we went to a fair, and just before I got on a ride with my toddler, she pointed to a sign about pregnant women avoiding it and asked, “You’re still going on?” When I nodded, she added, “Guess no grandchild by summer, then!”

DH has already spoken to her and told her to stop. He didn’t mention IVF, but he said her comments are unhelpful and stressful. She just brushes it off with, “Oh, I’m not pressuring anyone! I’m just excited for when it happens.”

Honestly, I’ve had enough. As soon as my toddler wakes up from their nap, I want to leave. I can’t face another sly remark, like, “Want some ice cream? Don’t worry, it’s pasteurised!” I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and IVF is already stressful enough without all of this on top, especially at Christmas. I’d rather spend it alone with my child than pretend I’m fine while trying not to cry every five minutes.

Don't get these posters saying if the OP's mother has been told then her MIL must be as well. One's relationship with one's mother will naturally be a lot more intimate than with one's MIL, however much you may love the latter. It's just not the same and can't be, as one of them gestated you, gave birth to you, did all the sleepless nights and bum wiping and tear mopping and life advice for 18+ years, saw you through teenage angst, and contributed a lot to the person you are. The other comes into your life when you're more or less fully made, and you have to learn to relate to each other as adult to adult. It can be a beautiful thing - but not in the same way.

Of course not everyone is blessed with the sort of mother who can be trusted with private information, but with something so personal as infertility, all things being equal she's the most likely person aside from your partner that you'd want to share it with. (Father, close sibling, and the "long-lost twin" sort of friend may also come into this category.) If, on the other hand, you have the wrong sort of mother and a really brilliant MIL, you might want to confide in the MIL instead. But in this case: mum is supportive, MIL is a self-centred gobshite, you can't treat them equally because they not only aren't on an equal relationship footing but they are very different people. Someone who you know is not trustworthy won't become trustworthy by showing them trust. It will almost certainly result in her telling everyone she knows and still won't stop her making snide remarks. It might even give her ammunition for a new set of funnies at DIL's expense.

Still trying to collect my jaw from her remarks to the bereaved cousin. It's just possibly I would have said something that crass in my teens if the situation occurred (and hated myself afterwards), but by the time you get to be the parent of someone having their own children you really should have learned a wee bit of circumspection. She seems to see other people as instruments of her personal gratification. She wants babies, they must have babies. They fail to have babies, they've let her down. Whether she's punishing them or, more likely, trying to chivy them to try harder for more babies may never be known. You can't get through to someone like that with an appeal for empathy; they aren't capable of seeing it that way. But a direct consequence, like not getting to see the family she constantly upsets, may work.

''You can't get through to someone like that with an appeal for empathy; they aren't capable of seeing it that way. But a direct consequence, like not getting to see the family she constantly upsets, may work.''

Exactly this. We don't reward obnoxious behaviour in children, so I don't see why adults should get a free pass.

That’s my point, it’s choosing which study to believe therefore it can’t be cited as medically proven just contradicting evidence from competing studies. Either way for someone going though IVF it’s unhelpful and effectively makes them feel like they are responsible for the situation. For someone who has lost a tube or ovary unsolicited advice like this is insensitive, cruel and just plain obtuse.

Also if your friends are coming TO you it’s not the same situation as the OP as her MIL is inserting herself where she has been repeatedly told she is not wanted.

To the OP, I hope however you handled it, that you have a lovely Christmas and I wish you all the best in your journey xxx

They might have said they had given up trying but they presumably weren't using any contraception. Anyway, association does not equal causation.

I very much doubt people with infertility problems would want your opinions on how they will get pregnant if they relax. Everyone knows they don't need to follow it. It is the advice itself which is irritating.

I’m all for this. Let it out, let her see that ‘oh I didn’t mean-‘ is bullshit. Burst into tears, and then do your leaving.

Then you need to tell her... bluntly. Look at it this way, if you leave, you'll upset her, so you may as well upset her by saying your piece.

Next comment she makes, say: 'I'm actually finding your obsession with my pregnancy status really offensive so I'm asking you, politely, to stop with all the comments. Otherwise, you won't see me OR any future grandchild!'

Talking doesn’t work so shock her into silence on the matter. Next time she makes a joke:

“Fuck off Susan. You have been told on numerous fucking occasions that your jokes aren’t funny and we find them hurtful. Now are you going to shut the fuck up or shall we leave”.

It’s rude and aggressive but she will shut the fuck and she won’t forget it.

Someone like my friend & her Dh who were investigated inside out with absolutely no reason found for infertility is a completely different situation to a proven diagnosis. You can't compare the situations. They adopted, didnt bother with contraception given the long history & pregnancy happened within 6 months. It's more insensitive, cruel & obtuse to suggest my story was not shared with good intentions.

Off out now for final Christmas shopping towards family meal,everything else completed 😊

Anecdata != Data

Correlation != Causation

Fifty years ago this was commoner because the detail and depth of investigations was not available.

There will always be odd cases of unexplained fertility but to jump from that to an assumption that the lack of fertility had been caused by stress is nothing more than an assumption.

Just how helpful do you think it is to a couple experiencing infertility to be told its their own fault for being too stressed? Its a dickmove.

I think the difficulty is that you are telling your family about fertility issues and therefore they can be understanding, but you aren't telling MIL and so she can't. Saying after a miscarriage that it's a shame because she would have liked baby cuddles isn't awful at all; slightly selfish but not awful. It would be an awful lot easier if you are just up- front "It doesn't seem to be happening right now MIL, which is upsetting for me, so please can we drop any and all pregnancy speculation or other talk about it to enjoy xnas, thanks!"
You don't need to talk about IVF etc, but clue the woman in if you want understanding.

@GRex

Saying after a miscarriage that it's a shame because she would have liked baby cuddles isn't awful at all; slightly selfish but not awful.

You might not think so but based on the responses on this thread, can you not see that for the majority of people this would be received as an awful, selfish, thoughtless comment?

How is it not awful to make someone else's miscarriage about yourself and what you will miss out on?

There are two in this couple - the infertility affects them both and both could benefit from family support.

Your DH may be devastated too, and feeling he can't speak frankly to his mother as you have with yours might make him feel very isolated and without the support you have.

Perhaps if he was able to do that she might realise that it's her son suffering too, and that possibly the infertility might be coming from him.

If he could explain what the treatments do to you physically and to you both emotionally, she might get a glimmer of compassion going?

Tell her to shit up. Be brutal. My dm did this whole ‘When am I getting grandchildren?’ thing and I told her it was an extremely personal question, did she also want to know when we had sex, as that was basically what she was asking. It shut her up.

Excuse me,it was 20 yrs ago. Anyway you sound bitter so end of replies on this one.

When did you start TTC after your first, anyway?

You say it's 'secondary infertility' and that you've recently had a miscarriage earlier this year, but you also say your first child is still a toddler.

I mean this nicely, but isn't it a bit soon and a bit dramatic to be saying 'we have infertility' to anyone? You have a child who is still a toddler and a recent miscarriage. As sad and frustrating it is for you not to be able to conceive again as quickly as you'd like, it doesn't really meet the definition of infertility just yet.

I would turn it around and say you are not pressuring her to stop, just excited about when she stops the comments, and when she does you’ll see her again. Then leave.

Do explain how telling a couple experiencing infertility that its their fault is ever anything other than a dickmove. Now, 20 years ago or 50 years ago.

Love your failure to explain why someone's private medical info is anyone else's business, expecially considering you are "a natural sharer though & see nothing wrong with that if it gives people a better understanding of my issues if & when they occur. I also pride myself in being a natural supporter of anyone who shares their problems & they do."

Or does that only apply if nobody is calling bollocks on the claims?

What a nasty post - It's patronizing to tell OP who is undergoing IVF for diagnosed secondary infertility that they are being "dramatic" - their doctors think they meet the criteria for infertility regardless of what you think.

Also where does OP write that she had a miscarriage? In her OP she talks about her MIL's unsympathetic reaction to a cousin's miscarriage.

She says in the OP that she had a miscarriage this year. The NHS criterion for being considered to have fertility issues is generally when you've been actively TTC for more than one year with no success.

If her IVF is being paid for privately then there won't be any qualifying criteria. If you can pay, you can have it. So the fact the consultant has agreed means nothing.

It is awful to tell someone who had a miscarriage that it's a shame you won't get baby cuddles - it's downright cruel! Rather than acknowledging the pain the parents are going through, the MIL is saying she has been let down by them. She sounds vile!

OP, you don't have to feel bad walking away from MIL if needed. She sounds horrible. Too many people get a free pass being from 'another generation' but many older people are sensitive, tactful and compassionate too. The MIL is just a nasty person.

If OP has a 2 or 3 year old then they could easily have been trying for 1-2 years.

It wasn't OP who had the miscarriage, it was a cousin of her DH. I presume that if she is having IVF, OP and her DH meet the criteria for secondary infertility set by medical professionals. Your post accusing the OP of being dramatic is unnecessary and unkind.

Tell her to get a cat if she wants something small to take care of and stop going on about babies!

OP did have a miscarriage. From her opening post:

l had a miscarriage earlier this year, and IVF is already stressful enough without all of this on top, especially at Christmas

Agree that that post is very unkind though - l hate posters who start out with ‘l mean this nicely’ and then go on to berate and belittle.

OP has already explained why she doesn’t want to tell MiL. And based on what OP has already shared, there doesn’t seem to be any understanding - clueing her in won’t change that.