Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

[mariannnnaa]

We’ve got secondary infertility, and our toddler is our only child right now. Because both sets of parents live far away from us and each other, we take turns spending Christmas with them, staying about a week each time. This year, it’s my in-laws’ turn.

The issue is my MIL. She’s desperate to be a grandma again and has always been pushy about it. When I was pregnant with my toddler, she was annoyed we waited until 10 weeks to tell her (instead of immediately). DH and I held off because we knew that, if something went wrong, she’d be the least supportive person. She has no filter and often says things that are thoughtless or hurtful.

We’re currently doing IVF, but the in-laws don’t know. MIL would make it so much worse with her comments. She’s already said things to DH’s cousin like, “When are you finally going to get pregnant?” when they were having IVF, and when she heard about their miscarriage, her reaction was, “Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

Whenever we visit, she won’t stop with the constant “jokey” questions. She’ll say things like, “Can I offer you some wine? Hahaha!” Or if we’re discussing lunch places, it’s, “Sushi? Marianna, SUSHI? What do you think?” with a smug little laugh. If I’m not hungry, it’s, “Ooh, not much appetite? Ginger helped me every time I was, you know, a little queasy…” It’s relentless.

Today, we went to a fair, and just before I got on a ride with my toddler, she pointed to a sign about pregnant women avoiding it and asked, “You’re still going on?” When I nodded, she added, “Guess no grandchild by summer, then!”

DH has already spoken to her and told her to stop. He didn’t mention IVF, but he said her comments are unhelpful and stressful. She just brushes it off with, “Oh, I’m not pressuring anyone! I’m just excited for when it happens.”

Honestly, I’ve had enough. As soon as my toddler wakes up from their nap, I want to leave. I can’t face another sly remark, like, “Want some ice cream? Don’t worry, it’s pasteurised!” I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and IVF is already stressful enough without all of this on top, especially at Christmas. I’d rather spend it alone with my child than pretend I’m fine while trying not to cry every five minutes.

Normally I’d get the point about in-laws but not in this case.
Can the MIL not find something else to do like for example playing with the toddler standing in front of her instead of talking about future children.

Go home. And let MIL know it’s because she has shit manners.

Does the woman not have other topics of conversation? She must be a crashing bore with babies on the brain.

His Mother is a bully
This isn’t banter , it’s passive aggressive bullying
Tell your H if it happens again you and your child are leaving and do it .
Stop pandering to her , don’t tell her anything and tell your H in no uncertain terms he can’t either
Personally I would vote with my felt and stop seeing her . If h wants to go that’s up to him but you have enough on your plate without her disgusting banter

I like this idea, I bet her face would be a picture OP 😂

This like what is the motive here? Does she literally have nothing else to focus on?
It doesn’t sound like she sees the OP’s toddler that much so any baby wouldn’t be a huge part of her life. And presumably she wouldn’t see the cousin’s baby that much.

So why?!

Go home OP.

She's had more than fair warning and I can feel from your posts how anxious and unsettled this is making you. You poor thing, she is awful.

It's horrible being treated like an incubator too, just a conduit to them getting another grandchild instead of a person to be respected in your own right.

I would keep it factual and firm:

"We're off home I'm afraid, we really want to be able to relax and enjoy Christmas and hoped we could do that here as we asked you to stop mentioning pregnancy but you have continued to do so at every opportunity. See you in the new year, hopefully by then you'll have got this out of your system and will be able to spend time together without you mentioning it."

And I wouldn't actually be seeing her until she apologised and made a commitment to stop such utterly batshit inappropriate behaviour.

I think tell her that you are not sure whether you will be having a second child and you do not want to discuss with her. It is your body and none of her business.

So sorry you are going through this, but in these situations it isn’t just your DH that needs to take a stand. You are an adult who can engage in an adult conversation.

simply - you need to stop with these unhelpful and stressful remarks should suffice but from you. She will come back as she did with your DH, and you then say, I can’t stop you making such comments, but I am telling you that I am not receptive to them and don’t appreciate it. Bid you continue I will stop visiting and no longer engage with you. But you need to mean it - treat her like a toddler who doesn’t comprehend that their actions have consequences.

you need to do this as the remarks are made to you and your dh has not landed the message. She probably thinks he is the one saying it.

additionally, there is no shame in saying you are having fertility issues if you want to. If she is a test about it then you know what you need to do. Because someone who can be kind or aware that their comments are hurtful has no place involved in a child’s life.

I would also leave. Let your husband explain she has carried on so you're all going home.

Next time you see her, with any comment made, one of you just firmly say 'stop it' and walk away.
Do it every time until she gets the message. Be prepared to leave if she continues.

It stops her in her tracks but doesn't lead to discussion/negotiation etc. If she asks what she's done, explain once and then just repeat 'you already know and we'd like you to stop'.

I have done this with a friend who likes to wind me up about certain things and I won't entertain the bullshit but want to maintain a relationship.

YANBU. Get DH to be firmer with his mum. It has to stop. Personality and no filter is not an excuse.

Hmm. I couldn't have children. We tried for years and when I finally conceived, DH was so excited, he told the world. Which meant that when I miscarried (at 12 weeks), everyone was absolutely lovely and I actually found a lot of comfort from that. (I never did have a child.)

On the rare occasion it was a problem, I just said something like "we don't know why it's not happening and I don't want to talk about it. Now pass the wine.."

So maybe just coming out with it might diffuse her. But obviously you know your MIL than I do (mine was pragmatic to the point of harshness!).

Good luck OP 🙂

You could just tell her you aren't having another child and it is not up for discussion. When you do get pregnant avoid her until you are ready to tell her.

I'd treat her as I do the DC.
Have your husband say to her (and it should be him, not you): "We are not happy with all the baby "banter"; if you make one more remark relating to pregnancy or a baby, we are getting into the car and leaving"
And as with children, if she does, follow through with the threat.
Good luck. She probably thinks she is being harmless but now she needs to understand that she is not which she will only do if there are consequences.

When she mentions anything about food or drink I would just look at her blankly and get her to explain. Then when she mentions about pregnancy say we've already told you about this and ask her if her memory is going. Do this every time and she'll soon stop asking.

She sounds awful. I wouldn’t tell her about the infertility as the MIL will be cruel about that no doubt.
I often think people like this are deliberately horrible, trying to see how much they can get away with until the person they are targeting snaps. You can guarantee if OP leaves that the MIL will be crying that Xmas is ruined and playing the victim.
OPs husband needs to sort this out. As a PP said, tell her that it’s upsetting HIM and he will stop seeing her if she doesn’t stop.

@mariannnnaa

Honestly, your DH needs to step up and take the lead in this. As far as 'what is nuclear' to me it would be DH saying "Mother, if you mention or speculate anything at all about pregnancy, the 'dos and don'ts', or anything to do with having babies, we will pack up and leave. This is your final warning. Our bags are packed and we will be gone in 15 minutes flat". And she needs to see those 'packed bags' sitting at the bedroom door even if they're half empty. And then if she doesn't stop, he needs to say "Right. We are leaving" and go. She will wail and cry and say it's banter, joking, etc but he needs to say "Our perception is our reality" and not back down.

Does he have the balls? Because you could do all that and it would have 10% of the impact that her own son doing it would have. She'd think you're being bitchy, 'touchy' or trying to 'alienate' him from her. If he takes full responsibility for the decision and the action maybe she'll be shocked enough to actually get the message.

I'd get your husband to say that next time she says anything, even a joke, around babies or fertility you will both go, don't mind if it's 10pm or as Christmas dinner is served you are all going. Should come from him, if he won't do it then just go. Then do the next two years with your family, try again and if it happens again don't go back until it's clear children are off the table.

Your DH needs to spell it out for her "Listen, you nosey witch, what happens in and around the uterus of my wife is her business and hers alone! If you keep this so called light hearted banter up, we're leaving - understood??"

Not seeing them at Christmas is a bit extreme. Just get your husband to give her a stern talking to in advance. It can't be that hard to say:

'Mum we are trying for a second but we are realy struggling. It's a very sensitive subject so please do not ON ANY ACCOUNT ask about, mention it, joke about it or poke your nose in. No matter how well intentioned you think your comments are, we don't want to hear them. Just enjoy the grandchild you have and you'll find out soon enough when we are sure there is going to be another one. In the meantime please just stop mentioning it because it's making us stressed. If you can't respect that we are likely to pack up and go home, so don't say you were not warned.'

Given the MIL’s behaviour to date it doesn’t sound like she will react sensitively to this.

Based on my own experience, I would say there is a very reasonable chance she’d slip into many of the cliches that get thrown around in this circumstance “just relax and it will happen!” “My best friend’s sister had infertility for years and they just went on holiday and she fell pregnant straight away!” “Why don’t you just adopt?!”

My in-laws are like that. I find the only way is to it back to them. So ask them if they are still having sex, or has FIL got problems with ED? Then do a sympathetic head tilt. When she starts spluttering, look innocent and say something like oh I'm so sorry, I thought it was ok for us to ask each other completely inappropriate questions. My Bil once phoned up and said "so are you pregnant yet?". So I told him probably not this month as you just interrupted us trying. He never asked that question again.

I know you've said you don't want to tell them about your secondary infertility, but it seems like that might be the only way to get the message across? Obviously only do what you're comfortable with. If it were me I don't think I could stop myself from saying 'We are unable to have a baby. I am utterly heartbroken right now and your comments are upsetting me more than you'll ever know. Please stop.' Direct and leaves no room for 'banter' I would think. If it still continued after that then I'd be done with her. She sounds like a royal PITA no matter what but surely that would make her stop.
So sorry for what you're going through💐

This!!