Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

[mariannnnaa]

We’ve got secondary infertility, and our toddler is our only child right now. Because both sets of parents live far away from us and each other, we take turns spending Christmas with them, staying about a week each time. This year, it’s my in-laws’ turn.

The issue is my MIL. She’s desperate to be a grandma again and has always been pushy about it. When I was pregnant with my toddler, she was annoyed we waited until 10 weeks to tell her (instead of immediately). DH and I held off because we knew that, if something went wrong, she’d be the least supportive person. She has no filter and often says things that are thoughtless or hurtful.

We’re currently doing IVF, but the in-laws don’t know. MIL would make it so much worse with her comments. She’s already said things to DH’s cousin like, “When are you finally going to get pregnant?” when they were having IVF, and when she heard about their miscarriage, her reaction was, “Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

Whenever we visit, she won’t stop with the constant “jokey” questions. She’ll say things like, “Can I offer you some wine? Hahaha!” Or if we’re discussing lunch places, it’s, “Sushi? Marianna, SUSHI? What do you think?” with a smug little laugh. If I’m not hungry, it’s, “Ooh, not much appetite? Ginger helped me every time I was, you know, a little queasy…” It’s relentless.

Today, we went to a fair, and just before I got on a ride with my toddler, she pointed to a sign about pregnant women avoiding it and asked, “You’re still going on?” When I nodded, she added, “Guess no grandchild by summer, then!”

DH has already spoken to her and told her to stop. He didn’t mention IVF, but he said her comments are unhelpful and stressful. She just brushes it off with, “Oh, I’m not pressuring anyone! I’m just excited for when it happens.”

Honestly, I’ve had enough. As soon as my toddler wakes up from their nap, I want to leave. I can’t face another sly remark, like, “Want some ice cream? Don’t worry, it’s pasteurised!” I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and IVF is already stressful enough without all of this on top, especially at Christmas. I’d rather spend it alone with my child than pretend I’m fine while trying not to cry every five minutes.

I think your mother in law sounds awful and very nosey, and I would talk to her and make it clear that you find her comments intrusive, but of course you would be unreasonable to leave.

You don't have to justify yourself with reasons why you're not pregnant yet, don't you dare!
She sounds foul, sorry
We’re currently doing IVF, but the in-laws don’t know. MIL would make it so much worse with her comments. She’s already said things to DH’s cousin like, “When are you finally going to get pregnant?” when they were having IVF, and when she heard about their miscarriage, her reaction was, “Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

That's not banter, or jokes, it's MEMEMEME and what she wants, screw anyone else's feelings.
I wouldn't dream of doing that or pressuring /going on about grandkids to my DS and his partner, it's nothing to do with me!
Tell her to pack it in or you're going home. Then mean it if she starts up again. She clearly doesn't listen to reason so time to get as bolshy as she is.
It's tough, but you have to stand firm for your own mental health.
Hopefully your DH is on side.

Eh? Did you actually even read the OP?

“We’ve decided we don’t want any more children, the constant pressure was too much for us and we were sick of people going on about it. So DH has had the snip”

Just let her know, We’re not trying for another child, and leave it at that. Keep it clear and direct. It’s not her business, and if you do get pregnant, you can decide when to share the news. Maybe she just needs to hear it once, but make sure it’s firm enough to leave no room for further discussion.

Your DH isn't being firm enough with her about her comments.
If I were in your shoes, you have a few ways to deal with her.
Firstly you could simply roll your eyes, shake your head and say "Change the record MiL. It'll happen when it happens, alright?"
Or you could go utterly ballistic at her saying something like "Have you no feelings woman?? You have no idea the issues we're going through yet you keep repeating the same idiotic comments thinking they are funny but they are just so hurtful!"
Or you could run away crying every time she brings up the topic.
Or some sort of combination of the above might work.

All that said, she needs to be told that it will happen when it happens and until then, she shuts her gob!

Just pack your things an leave - her 'friendly banter' is rude and stressful.
hopefully she'll be so offended she won't invite you back, may even go no contact if you're really lucky.
Don't leave it any later - you might cut yourself off without any opportunity to get to a supermarket on the way home.

Keep it factual and direct.

Mil you have been asked umpteen times to stop making inappropriate comments implying i am pregnant / harassing us regarding further children.
You might yhink its banter but i dont.
Ifind it intrusive, insensitive and rude.
I feel harassed and stressed by it and it means i cannot enjoy spending time in your company as i am always waiting for the next
dig from you regarding a 2nd GC
You may not be awate of how frequently you do it but its so bad I'm cutting short this visit, which is a shame as we were looking forward to this trip.
very honestly you can expect to see less of us if you dont stop making these inappropriate comments as its just too much.

Let her kick off cry whatever and ignore it all just make it clear calmly that all she has to do is stop making weird comments and normal service can resume. Her choice.

Every time she does it say "stop. I've asked you not to do that."and leave the room/ the house for a while

Tell her calmly and coldly how much her snide, hurtful comments are upsetting you. No lies about vasetomies, nothing about IVF, nothing about medical issues. Tell her that just one more hurtful comment and you will be leaving even if it just as the turkey is being served. If she says anything again, no need to get into a row, just pack up your things and go. Ignore the tears which will surely come.
The only way to stop this is to issue an ultimation and follow through. Ignore the subsequent pleading texts and calls for the time being at least - that is for DH to deal with. She will probably wail to the rest of her family. If they contact you, simply tell them that she has continued to make hurtful, snide comments despite being asked on multiple occasions not to. That ' it is just the way she is' is not an acceptable response.

I think you need to tell her in front of everyone to fucking stop it! Either she stops or you're leaving. You've got to be forceful.

It seems that maybe you're being polite about it and so she just thinks it's an unserious game And she's bantering you in a lighthearted way.

This is appalling. I wouldn’t go NC but I would call her out on it every single time. Shut up Mum/Hilda, you are being insensitive and mean and have NO IDEA what is going on for us. Just shut up, ok?
I think she would stop.

She sounds like a complete dickhead, to be honest.

She needs to be told very clearly and with absolutely no ambiguity whatsoever that her comments about “another grandchild” are not welcome or wanted and if she continues you will leave and she will be seeing less of the grandchild she does have as a direct result.

God she sounds insane.
you could just threaten first? Mil I’ve asked you to stop and I’ve told you it’s stressful, if you make another comment I’m taking dc and going home. Then when she does you leave, then that’s your reason. Or just make something up, leak in the house you’ve got to go sort, a friend who needs support. Sorry you’re dealing with this, dh should be being more assertive

How would you go nuclear on them?

DH loses his shit. Absolutely loses it and explains why. Loudly. Whilst losing his shit.

Or

You both leave and whilst leaving, DH loses his shit. Absolutely loses it and explains why. Loudly. Whilst losing his shit.

It's mad how people think they are entitled to make comments or judge if you should or shouldn't be pregnant. We had the opposite issue with my late MIL, told her we were expecting 2nd child and she went in the kitchen without saying a word and we could hear her smashing dishes and sort of growling. She had her granddaughter and couldn't see any need for any more. She's always been difficult but there was no coming back from that one.

I would at the next snipe, say:
"For Gods sake Doris, will you STOP with the baby inuendos. I'm sick of it, its not funny, its not clever. You are making me miserable. You have been asked repeatedly ti stop prodding.
If it happens again I'm leaving.
& dont give me the "its harmless" bollox.
Its intentional, invasive & constant.
So Just Cut It Out."

If she starts justifying herself, you stand up, collect your stuff & leave

Why would it be unreasonable for the Op to leave? Why should she have to just accept such rude behaviour? The MIL doesn't give a shit about the Op's feelings so why should the Op have to stay in such an uncomfortable environment.

You are not unreasonable. Your MIL behaves very nasty - it’s not a banter she is bullying you all the time. However you should stay calm and exclude yourself a bit from the process.
Talk to DH, pack and only then he should go and tell his mum calmly and politely that you all are leaving, that HE can’t stay because of her behaviour. And then you should leave.
She might try apologise but for her to get a real lesson you all should leave this time, otherwise it will continue and continue. Further down the line it will be about DC washing hands, sticking to routine, you not eating certain food or preferring certain shops etc etc there will be always something. It’s not about infertility at all. She’s just found your weak place and bullying you, it’s her personality.

I'm sorry....your MiL did what to your phone now so she knew your were pregnant???
I seriously hope she is either NC or sitting alone with a restraining order for company now!
Jesus H. What women do to each other!! FFS.

I'm so sorry you had that happen to you.

Funny that you’re trying to work out how to mince your words, OP, while your MIL is letting endless bullshit drop out of her face despite being repeatedly told to stop.

Do not tell her about the infertility. She’s pushing you for more information; don’t reward her tactics. My MIL was just the same.

You need to pack your shit, tell her you’ve had enough of her comments, and leave. It’s hard but she’s left you with no choice.

Keep asking her about her funeral plans. "Hahaha, burial or cremation?"

Our 2nd & 3rd came late. We did realise, that maybe we would only have 1st child.

I would have told them to sh*t up and left. It's none of her business. It's rude and It's hurtful.

The level of entitlement is off the charts. You're not just an incubator! Even if you weren't having fertility issues, it'd still be completely unreasonable for her to nag you about providing her with grandchildren, at all, ever. It's just gross.

I totally sympathise. This is the reason I never told my MIL about the miscarriage I had before eventually having a successful pregnancy. She was very put out that we didn't have children (suggesting that if I wasn't ready, we should just have one anyway and "give it to her".) I knew if she knew about the miscarriage she'd A. Make it all about her and how devastated she was (she has form for this) and B. Realise we were actually trying and go completely mental over it. When I did eventually have a baby, she started nagging for more while I was still bleeding from a traumatic childbirth, making comments about it to other family members in front of me etc. This is one of the reasons I am now LC with her and have dropped the rope in terms of encouraging/reminding my husband to contact her.

If I were you I'd leave the next time she says anything, OP. There will be fallout but she obviously doesn't care about your feelings so I don't see why you should prioritise hers when she's behaving so appallingly.

I hope you have a lovely, peaceful Christmas, wherever you are.

She sounds awful but would it help to take her to one side and get upset and cry…she might then realise how unkind and insensitive she is being.

He needs to impose a boundary, he can’t stop her saying what she says but he imposes a consequence. My boundary is I don’t listen or discuss pregnancy stuff, if you can’t abide by that mother we will leave. And leave . Like a newspaper bop on the nose for a dog, train her. He needs to do it not you and he needs to say it’s his boundary not yours so no she gets upset rubbish he needs to say he doesn’t like it.