Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

[mariannnnaa]

We’ve got secondary infertility, and our toddler is our only child right now. Because both sets of parents live far away from us and each other, we take turns spending Christmas with them, staying about a week each time. This year, it’s my in-laws’ turn.

The issue is my MIL. She’s desperate to be a grandma again and has always been pushy about it. When I was pregnant with my toddler, she was annoyed we waited until 10 weeks to tell her (instead of immediately). DH and I held off because we knew that, if something went wrong, she’d be the least supportive person. She has no filter and often says things that are thoughtless or hurtful.

We’re currently doing IVF, but the in-laws don’t know. MIL would make it so much worse with her comments. She’s already said things to DH’s cousin like, “When are you finally going to get pregnant?” when they were having IVF, and when she heard about their miscarriage, her reaction was, “Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

Whenever we visit, she won’t stop with the constant “jokey” questions. She’ll say things like, “Can I offer you some wine? Hahaha!” Or if we’re discussing lunch places, it’s, “Sushi? Marianna, SUSHI? What do you think?” with a smug little laugh. If I’m not hungry, it’s, “Ooh, not much appetite? Ginger helped me every time I was, you know, a little queasy…” It’s relentless.

Today, we went to a fair, and just before I got on a ride with my toddler, she pointed to a sign about pregnant women avoiding it and asked, “You’re still going on?” When I nodded, she added, “Guess no grandchild by summer, then!”

DH has already spoken to her and told her to stop. He didn’t mention IVF, but he said her comments are unhelpful and stressful. She just brushes it off with, “Oh, I’m not pressuring anyone! I’m just excited for when it happens.”

Honestly, I’ve had enough. As soon as my toddler wakes up from their nap, I want to leave. I can’t face another sly remark, like, “Want some ice cream? Don’t worry, it’s pasteurised!” I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and IVF is already stressful enough without all of this on top, especially at Christmas. I’d rather spend it alone with my child than pretend I’m fine while trying not to cry every five minutes.

Tell her she is pressurising you, there are no guarantees of more children and she is being hurtful to keep going on about it. I would warn her first (unless you have already) that if she makes another pregnancy related comment you will leave, taking her grandchild with you. If that doesn't put a stop to it then yes, follow through and leave.

That’s so awful of her, and unless she is completely devoid of empathy, she is doing it deliberately.

I think I would just pack up and go. So very sorry you are going through this.

Take the head off her with a FFS Jane you've been told to stop mithering me about pregnancy so why won't you? Where were when they were giving out empathy given you can't understand that you are upsetting both of us. Pissing off the mother of the grandchild you want to dote over isn't a clever move is it?! '

Try the " when you say x it makes me feel y" approach.

If you let her know the impact of what she's saying then she's more likely to stop rather than just being told to stop.

Most conflict happens when the other side doesn't understand the other person's point of view, so you have to explain it.

Just stop often doesn't work.

I would make it obvious that you are leaving because of her comments - wait for her to say one more, loom her straight in the eye and tell her straight that she has had enough warnings to stop commenting, and as she hasnt been able to keep her mouth shut, you'll act instead and then leave.

If you randomly leave she'll be able to make out youre BU. Make it obvious it is all on her

Just say. Ffs shut up. Im not a baby factory for you. Anymore comments and we will be leaving

Say 'stop asking if I'm pregnant!' and then cry. Seriously. Let it out. If you snap and get cross she'll be the 'victim'. If you're obviously upset (which you are!) she can't do that. Embarrass the fuck out of her and make her scared to even look at you below the neck ever again. Then, depending on what she does, either leave or stay.

Hand on the arm, 'remember that chat we had about pregnancy jokes - you've just done it again, just thought you might have forgotten - thanks for being so understanding'
And then if she does it again 'are you okay xxx? Remember what she talked about?' On repeat, grey rock style.
These people don't understand they are being weird/mean, and telling them nicely off to the side doesn't work, so you unfortunately have to do it in the moment - it feels so unnatural but it is what it is. I'm so sorry you're going through everything, hope the festive season passes okay for you.

What an absolute savage. I would be going nowhere near her. Keep your family unit safe

I would honestly say to her that you have decided to have only one child and that no amount of comments will change your mind. Every time she makes a quip reiterate firmly that DC will be an only child and you’re getting tired of these conversations.

What she is doing is really inappropriate and unfair. If you cannot tell her about your infertility then just lie about DC being an only child.

I wouldn't be able to keep my trap shut. 'We've both asked you not to joke about pregnancy but there you go again. You must be doing it deliberately'.

If you are going to just blow things up by walking out then I think you should at least try to talk to her first. You could ask her for a word and explain to her that all the little comments speculating if you are pregnant are upsetting you and that if she does it again you will have no choice but to leave. Be firm but respectful.
Then if she does it again you look her straight in the eye and tell her that you are leaving and that she only has herself to blame.

I also agree with this. Make her feel really really uncomfortable.

Oh I love this!

The trouble with 'friendly banter' is, if the recipient doesn't find it funny and is upset by it, then it's bullying.

I wouldn't soft soap her at all. She's been told, she keeps doing it. Might be time for your husband to tell her 'any of this nonsense starts we'll be leaving and you won't see either of us or toddler again.' Then if she starts get up and go.

She sounds like a right horror.

I'd pack your stuff, say, "We don't want to spend Christmas being interrogated about our plans for another baby when we've asked you numerous times to stop, so we're off", then stop off at the supermarket on the way home and do your Christmas food shop.

My mum was like this with my weight and how ugly I was etc etc
One day I sat there and thought I don't have to listen to this. Stood up, said "STFU about my weight, I'm leaving and I'll leave every time you keep going on about it" and walked out

Look up Dr Becky Kennedy on setting boundaries - it's not about telling kids what not to do. Boundaries are about you saying what you will do - enforcing the boundary comes from you, and requires the other person to do nothing.

So you state your boundary 'i do not want to discuss, or have any one else refer to, whether i may be pregnant or trying to get pregnant. if this happens I will leave the room/house' (easier for you to leave than asking her to leave).

She does it again, you leave - calmly, not angry - you are simpley doing what you stated beforehand.

ask her

why do you keep talking like this when you know we can't have anymore children

dp told you it was sensitive we though you'd know what that meant

Excellent!

Not unreasonable at all. It sounds like absolute torture. Maybe if you actually leave she will finally learn her lesson about what an insufferable, selfish moron she is. If she doesn’t learn her lesson she won’t be spending much time with the grandchild she already has, let alone any future ones.

I just burst into tears. That did the trick.

Your DH needs to tell her again to stop it and to leave you alone. He needs to tell her that you will all be leaving if she doesn't stop.

You don't need to give an explanation. You don't owe this woman ANYTHING. You don't owe her ANY kind of information that relates to your private medical history. The fact you don't want to hear it should be enough.

"Id wait until she next does it and then say Mil, I know dh has repeatedly asked you not to make comments about pregnancy/ having more grandchildren and yet you are continuing to do it even though you know we don't like it. So let me be really clear. Any more comments or insinuations or jokes relating to pregnancy or having more children and we will pack up and leave. We've both been really clear with you on where we stand with this, so the rest is up to you. But that's all I'm prepared to say on the matter. "

Then you follow through if she does it again. The explanation or any mention of infertility etc is your business and she's not entitled to it. It's like that saying - no is a complete sentence. Same effect applies here and to be honest I'd avoid getting into it with her any more than that because it sounds like she would see it as another 'in'. And the pp who mentioned this is being directed at you is correct. So I think you need to be the one to challenge this very directly. And remember- it'll probably feel really uncomfortable but this is her doing. She should have stopped long before now but she made the choice not to. Anyone with a bit of sense knows these comments are never helpful and to be asked to stop and still continue is actually incredibly selfish and cruel.

I think it's past that now. I think op needs to say something