Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

[mariannnnaa]

We’ve got secondary infertility, and our toddler is our only child right now. Because both sets of parents live far away from us and each other, we take turns spending Christmas with them, staying about a week each time. This year, it’s my in-laws’ turn.

The issue is my MIL. She’s desperate to be a grandma again and has always been pushy about it. When I was pregnant with my toddler, she was annoyed we waited until 10 weeks to tell her (instead of immediately). DH and I held off because we knew that, if something went wrong, she’d be the least supportive person. She has no filter and often says things that are thoughtless or hurtful.

We’re currently doing IVF, but the in-laws don’t know. MIL would make it so much worse with her comments. She’s already said things to DH’s cousin like, “When are you finally going to get pregnant?” when they were having IVF, and when she heard about their miscarriage, her reaction was, “Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

Whenever we visit, she won’t stop with the constant “jokey” questions. She’ll say things like, “Can I offer you some wine? Hahaha!” Or if we’re discussing lunch places, it’s, “Sushi? Marianna, SUSHI? What do you think?” with a smug little laugh. If I’m not hungry, it’s, “Ooh, not much appetite? Ginger helped me every time I was, you know, a little queasy…” It’s relentless.

Today, we went to a fair, and just before I got on a ride with my toddler, she pointed to a sign about pregnant women avoiding it and asked, “You’re still going on?” When I nodded, she added, “Guess no grandchild by summer, then!”

DH has already spoken to her and told her to stop. He didn’t mention IVF, but he said her comments are unhelpful and stressful. She just brushes it off with, “Oh, I’m not pressuring anyone! I’m just excited for when it happens.”

Honestly, I’ve had enough. As soon as my toddler wakes up from their nap, I want to leave. I can’t face another sly remark, like, “Want some ice cream? Don’t worry, it’s pasteurised!” I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and IVF is already stressful enough without all of this on top, especially at Christmas. I’d rather spend it alone with my child than pretend I’m fine while trying not to cry every five minutes.

Leaving seems drastic at Christmas, I would talk to her yourself first and explain you understand she doesn't mean to upset you but it doesn't change the fact her comments are very upsetting. And yes I would say something along the lines of "I don't enjoy spending time here and will stop coming if you carry on_.

Tell her straight. Her constant asking is driving you nuts and you will decide when you would like to conceive again IF you choose too. Unless she knows your planning another I would be tempted to say you have decided to only have the one child so she can stop asking and if you were to be pregnant you would decide if you want icecream, sushi, pate, blue cheese or what ever else she is trying to ask about. As for the offer of wine Tell her you'll take the bottle if the French inquisition is going to carry on. Make it clear it stops or your leaving if you haven't already. As for being just you and do, I would bloody hope dh leaves with you.

*dc

This!!!^

I think you need to be a bit firmer with her and tell her straight that its not on and if she doesn't stop then you WILL be leaving. She needs to know you are serious and it doesn't matter how jokey she thinks she is being that she is being inconsiderate and inappropriate and you won't put up with it any longer.

I'm really stunned at just how awful she's being to you. She needs to get busy enjoying the grandchild that she already has, instead of harassing you about the next one. Her 'jokey' bullshit has clearly strayed into bullying, and you do not have to put up with it

Feel free to break down and howl in front of her - do not be ashamed. She deserves to be made to feel deeply uncomfortable and ashamed of herself. Do not share any private details with her. Focus on her appalling behaviour rather than sharing your personal business with her. Absolutely do pack up and leave if that will bring you peace. She needs to know the impact her behavior is having on you

YANBU at all. It was good of you to even try staying with her, knowing she will behave like an arsehole. I'm glad your DH is supporting you and telling his mother to stop but, at the end of the day, he can't control her. Personally, I wouldn't see her ever again. Dh could do so on his own whenever he wished, but I wouldn't be going with him or entertaining her in my home. Perhaps one Christmas of that would be enough to shock some manners into her, but probably not. If you're going to continue to go with your DH when he sees her, your only real option is to develop a thick skin and ignore her. Anytime she starts, ask your DH to say something like, 'not this again mum, change the record' and then you or he start a different topic of conversation, preferably addressed to his dad or each other. I also still wouldn't stay with them (or have them stay with you) for any extended period of time. A day in such dreadful company is more than enough.

"We can't get pregnant because dh ant get it up. Please don't ask me again, it's hurtful enough without you making it worse".

Said very loudly in a busy restaurant... You may or may not warn dh ahead of time, but this makes it a him problem. I bet he sorts it out then.

I feel for you. She’s been told, she’s just rude and narcissistic! Playing it off as banter is just underhand.

My MIL was similar. We took a long time to fall pregnant although they didn’t know we were trying. Every time we saw them she’d ask when she’d been a grandma. Make comments constantly - it actually gave me major ick. We ended up telling them that we had decided not to have children. She soon shut up and never mentioned it again. My MIL has no filter at all and has form for saying the wrong thing.

Why doesn't DH just tell her to stop as it's upsetting HIM rather than you? See how that goes.

Just to add, OP: my MIL was exactly the same, and telling her we were struggling with infertility and then secondary infertility did fuck all to shut her up.

And after all the pestering, she turned out to be a shit grandma anyway. My DC can’t stand her and avoid seeing her, because they stopped being of interest to her once they had any mind of their own.

You don't need to mention anything about infertility as it's none of her fucking business. You just need to say very loudly and clearly "stop asking me if i am pregnant. It is too personal and you are making me feel like an incubator. If you don't stop i will leave.".

Sorry if this is too flippant - but maybe you need to tell DH that if he does not find a way to get her to stop you will inform her that he has developed erectile dysfunction. And then he can have all her attention and advice on supplements and whatnot.

Not a good idea. If you are going to howl, make sure it is in front of a roomful of people and then blurt out about the incessant hurtful, snide comments. Just embarrass her. In private gives her power especially has she has not responded to previous requests to stop. And then leave!

Can you get away with suggesting she get a hobby?!
How about “X’s mum is mad about golf, it’s great she gets to focus her own life”

She’s v odd

What does DH say when she says she's not putting pressure? What does he say when she makes the comments?
You and he both need to be really, really firm ie "Stop with the strange comments about what OP is eating, it's uncomfortable." "The comments about grandchildren make us both uncomfortable. We'll tell you if and when there's any update, and we don't want to endlessly discuss it, it's boring."
Don't let her wriggle out of it, any responses that she's just excited or you're making a big deal, respond firmly.
No need to mention infertility, she won't react sensitively and you have every right to keep a private health issues privately.

I don't know what secondary infertility is, but even if it were straightforward for you to be pregnant, it's none of her business. I had this for twenty years from MILs and eventually stopped going to visit as it was too much hassle and very upsetting. Go home, and make sure they know why.

'Is the DGC you've already got, not good enough for you?
Well tough, because I'm done'
She doesn't need to know your business
And then carry on in peace

I've been drunk as a skunk at every family event and go straight in for the brie and smoked salmon everytime to avoid any dubaity or questions for the past 5 years. I absolutely detest people asking me about TTC so I like to make blatantly obvious.

I think when you are scared to confront someone about their inappropriate behaviour you are scared of being rude but I like to remind myself they are actually being rude in the first place by commenting. So be as rude as you want, she has been told and taken no notice and is treating you with disrespect. She does not need to be told about your infertility, just leave or tell her clearly enough is enough.

I really hope 2025 is good to you and you get some positive news soon

OK, so you have shared your issues with your own parents but not with your husbands parents. That is where a lot of this problem lies. They are not equal to you and that will be coming across in your behaviour toards her.

I would tell her. It will stop the comments. " We are having problems conceiving so when you make comments like that it makes me feel very upset. I really don't want to talk about it so I would be grateful if the comments coukd stop. I feel very vulnerable when the subject is brought up."

I fully support you leaving. and if you ever want to play her at her own game, start doing it about mortality. Just casual ‘funny’ remarks about life expectancy and her impending demise. evil cackle

You need to tell her clearly that you don't wish to be asked anything about a possible pregnancy as you find it upsetting. If she presses for an explanation, say and repeat as often as needed, "I(or better, "we") don't want to talk about it".

Or explain why, and repeat as above.

"DH has already spoken to her and told her to stop. He didn’t mention IVF, but he said her comments are unhelpful and stressful. She just brushes it off with, “Oh, I’m not pressuring anyone! I’m just excited for when it happens.”

He needs to tell her, forcefully. She doesn't realise her own strength, it's not uncommon unfortunately.

You could also tell her, be gentle but firm.

I hope your Christmas is not spoiled by this. Good luck in 2025 - in every respect.

I think you need clearer boundaries. There needs to be a consequence. "Please stop making comments about dietary requirements and trying to guess if I'm pregnant. It is very upsetting. If you continue, we will need to go home or not visit as much" Then follow through.

I have a cousin like this, it is infuriating. They also try to guess she sex of the baby and will not let up. It is extremely unkind and not banter/joking.

I get that it's touching nerves and insensitive. If she has been asked and won't stop it would be reasonable to leave. It's rude and insulting to you and your DC too - like she just sees you as a brood mare to produce her grandchildren and the one she has isn't enough.
I didn't tell my mum when we had fertility issues because she would have made it worse, and all about her. And told other people. I'm sad that I had to keep it from her but it was the right thing to do.

OP has already been clear why she hasn’t shared the infertility issue with MiL - nothing to do with them not being ‘equal’ to OP, who says telling her will just make things worse So no, it won’t stop the comments, and OP’s behaviour towards her is a consequence of MiL’s own actions.