Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

[mariannnnaa]

We’ve got secondary infertility, and our toddler is our only child right now. Because both sets of parents live far away from us and each other, we take turns spending Christmas with them, staying about a week each time. This year, it’s my in-laws’ turn.

The issue is my MIL. She’s desperate to be a grandma again and has always been pushy about it. When I was pregnant with my toddler, she was annoyed we waited until 10 weeks to tell her (instead of immediately). DH and I held off because we knew that, if something went wrong, she’d be the least supportive person. She has no filter and often says things that are thoughtless or hurtful.

We’re currently doing IVF, but the in-laws don’t know. MIL would make it so much worse with her comments. She’s already said things to DH’s cousin like, “When are you finally going to get pregnant?” when they were having IVF, and when she heard about their miscarriage, her reaction was, “Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

Whenever we visit, she won’t stop with the constant “jokey” questions. She’ll say things like, “Can I offer you some wine? Hahaha!” Or if we’re discussing lunch places, it’s, “Sushi? Marianna, SUSHI? What do you think?” with a smug little laugh. If I’m not hungry, it’s, “Ooh, not much appetite? Ginger helped me every time I was, you know, a little queasy…” It’s relentless.

Today, we went to a fair, and just before I got on a ride with my toddler, she pointed to a sign about pregnant women avoiding it and asked, “You’re still going on?” When I nodded, she added, “Guess no grandchild by summer, then!”

DH has already spoken to her and told her to stop. He didn’t mention IVF, but he said her comments are unhelpful and stressful. She just brushes it off with, “Oh, I’m not pressuring anyone! I’m just excited for when it happens.”

Honestly, I’ve had enough. As soon as my toddler wakes up from their nap, I want to leave. I can’t face another sly remark, like, “Want some ice cream? Don’t worry, it’s pasteurised!” I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and IVF is already stressful enough without all of this on top, especially at Christmas. I’d rather spend it alone with my child than pretend I’m fine while trying not to cry every five minutes.

Let yourself cry. Loud, messy, “attention-seeking” crying, every single time she mentions it or alludes to it. Ask her why she insists on being deliberately hurtful.

I find a reason for all of you to leave. Cat stuck in your house or something.

She doesn’t seem to have enough common sense/intelligence if you left and told her why. She seems like the last person who you’d want to tell about IVF/infertility. I’m sure she’d be giving ‘helpful advice’ like having a glass of wine before dtd.

You don’t have to tell her ability the infertility/IVF, just say you’re leaving because she’s been asked to stop speculating about your body and private life as a couple and has continued.

If you aren’t pregnant why not just tell her to stop the hinting, because you’re not pregnant so will eat/drink/do whatever you like.

The only way she will learn is if you pack up and leave if talking hasn't worked.

Even after my second was still born my mum couldn't stop commenting and questioning if I was pregnant again. I eventually had to sit her and my dad down and tell them about all my losses, partly was we were considering after them for help to go private for tests and partly because I was just at a point I couldn't cope with her pressure anymore. A sharp dose of reality of what I was going through was enough to make her stop.

You don’t need to go NC. You just need to get up and leave every time she mentions your pregnancies / babies. And get DH on board with this so he supports you.

Do not tell her about the IVF, it gives her power. Just say ‘We have asked you repeatedly not to mention pregnancies / babies. If you can’t respect that then we will leave.’

Tell her, or get DH to tell her, that if it’s mentioned again you will be leaving, no ifs no buts. And she will not be welcome at yours.

He needs to tell her now very firmly that if there is one more comment you are leaving. And then he needs to follow through.

You must be a saint, I would have exploded by now and I’ve been in a very similar situation. DH told FIL there was to be no talk about babies at all. He said nothing more by way of explanation. PIL got the message.

This. I'd warn her one more time that every time she does it it hurts you and if she persists you will leave. Then leave.

Might be best to leave now otherwise its going to ruin Christmas day.

You don't need to mention infertility, just that you can't take any more comments about pregnancy. You don't have to give a reason for that.

Tell her you’re not having anymore and that your DH just had a vasectomy?

I would be asking her why she is so interested in you’re sex life
does she want you to tell her every time you and dh have a fuck and all the kinky shit you do 😂

but if you can’t do that just get up and leave and tell her why

Tell her to fuck off with it?

I wouldn't just leave I would actually cut her out of my life completely tbh. If your DH can't deal with this I would read him the riot act and say you're not dealing with it any more.

You just tell her it's absolutely none of her business and she is making you not want another child. Tell her if she hints again then she won't ever meet the next grandchild.

I had similar and with this pregnancy MIL hacked my phone and then told me she knew I was pregnant. I've not seen her since and only went public with the news at 20 weeks because of her.

@mariannnnaa My goodness, this woman is so selfish and insufferable 😣.

I will never be a grandmother as son is adamant he doesn’t want children, and I accept that.

His life, his business!

Your MIL is really rude in my opinion.

Can your husband tell her to button her lip?

This. Tell her you aren't having any more and she needs to focus on the grandchildren she has.

I hope everything goes smoothly with the IVF and you do have your second child soon.

This-

I wouldn’t mince my words. We are leaving as you are ruining any time with you as you make snide, unfiltered comments speculating on my body, whether or not we are pregnant etc and I’m sick and tired of it. I’m done.

In the past you’ve done it when we have had miscarriages etc we don’t speculate on your life and we have asked you not to do it to us. Yet you continue so we are leaving.

The choice to have no children, one or two is entirely up to each couple.

You leave.
But you can do it firmly and nicely.
We need to go, because you aren’t listening to us, we’ve asked you nicely, told you nicely that what you consider friendly banter, I don’t. I appreciate you may disagree. But we’ll have to agree to disagree. Have a lovely Xmas, Toodoolooo!!!

Why would anyone tell an unnecessary lie like that? That's bonkers advice, she needs to be told that making any kind of comment about anyones fertility is an absolute no no.

I'd take her to one side myself and tell her that you while you understand she may be excited about potential grandchildren, you find the frequent comments stressful and irritating and that if it continues, you will be leaving. You don't need to yell, you need to be blunt and follow up on your warning if it happens again. I'd imagine she will have a big huff over it and make out she's the victim, but ignore that and carry on as normal. It's very rude of her.

Could dh tell her that there's a medical issue and another baby is probably not possible. Be super vague

You simply tell her that you have had enough of her rude behaviour. That DH has repeatedly asked her to stop saying stuff and she has ignored that request, that it’s not a joke, it’s extremely hurtful and you are not going to put up with it anymore so are leaving.

I would also point out that if she to continues with this behaviour with you, the cousin or random people she knows she will end up with no contact with any of them. She has no idea what’s going on in their lives and should sto0 making such 8n se starve comments

then Imwould take my child, and DH if he wants to come and go home

You don't have to spend time with her if you don't want to. She'd drive me up the wall so I can quite see why you want to nope the hell out of there!

If you do go, do you think you would be able to walk in and say to her No, I am not pregnant. Just getting that out of the way now so we don't have to go through the usual palaver.

Don't explain about your IVF. It really is none of her business.

Don't lie to her either.

Just quietly pack and leave.