Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

[mariannnnaa]

We’ve got secondary infertility, and our toddler is our only child right now. Because both sets of parents live far away from us and each other, we take turns spending Christmas with them, staying about a week each time. This year, it’s my in-laws’ turn.

The issue is my MIL. She’s desperate to be a grandma again and has always been pushy about it. When I was pregnant with my toddler, she was annoyed we waited until 10 weeks to tell her (instead of immediately). DH and I held off because we knew that, if something went wrong, she’d be the least supportive person. She has no filter and often says things that are thoughtless or hurtful.

We’re currently doing IVF, but the in-laws don’t know. MIL would make it so much worse with her comments. She’s already said things to DH’s cousin like, “When are you finally going to get pregnant?” when they were having IVF, and when she heard about their miscarriage, her reaction was, “Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

Whenever we visit, she won’t stop with the constant “jokey” questions. She’ll say things like, “Can I offer you some wine? Hahaha!” Or if we’re discussing lunch places, it’s, “Sushi? Marianna, SUSHI? What do you think?” with a smug little laugh. If I’m not hungry, it’s, “Ooh, not much appetite? Ginger helped me every time I was, you know, a little queasy…” It’s relentless.

Today, we went to a fair, and just before I got on a ride with my toddler, she pointed to a sign about pregnant women avoiding it and asked, “You’re still going on?” When I nodded, she added, “Guess no grandchild by summer, then!”

DH has already spoken to her and told her to stop. He didn’t mention IVF, but he said her comments are unhelpful and stressful. She just brushes it off with, “Oh, I’m not pressuring anyone! I’m just excited for when it happens.”

Honestly, I’ve had enough. As soon as my toddler wakes up from their nap, I want to leave. I can’t face another sly remark, like, “Want some ice cream? Don’t worry, it’s pasteurised!” I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and IVF is already stressful enough without all of this on top, especially at Christmas. I’d rather spend it alone with my child than pretend I’m fine while trying not to cry every five minutes.

And they've concieved in that time.

I'm not berating or belittling. I'm saying that if you have conceived within the last 12 months then technically you don't qualify as infertile, so while I appreciate that the OP will be worried and frustrated, I don't think it would be appropriate or very accurate to blurt out 'we have infertility' to her MIL, as she puts it.

If she wants to say anything at all (and it sounds like she doesn't) then it should be something like 'we have been TTC for a while now and it's not happening as quickly as we'd like.' Because that is the truth.

Secondary infertility is when you can't get pregnant or carry a baby to term after you've been pregnant and given birth. And frankly, arguing about the terms on a thread written by a woman struggling with fertility and insensitive relatives is grim.

It should not be necessary for OP or DH to share private information, and it is not a tit for tat, making things fair, situation.
It is about whether people will make you feel worse at this time (because honestly I don’t know anyone who can make us feel better about infertility, so just not making it worse is the goal).

Asking to put a stop to the comments should put a stop to the comments.
Also with this woman if they tell her about IVF she will just be intrusive about that too.

@mariannnnaa if your DH is not going to go no contact then low contact and all talk of pregnancy off the table.
And if you are lucky enough to get pregnant for your own mental health I would be avoiding her anyway as she will try to guess and go on at you.
The is no way I would be telling her at 10 weeks again. (I didn’t tell anyone until after anomaly scan).

Secondary infertility is diagnosed when you’ve given birth and go on to have difficulty getting pregnant or carrying a baby to full term - OP has had a miscarriage, and it sounds to me as though they’ve already had their diagnosis. OP is struggling. It’s insensitive to pick apart the terminology.

Yep - giving birth and subsequently being unable to conceive or carry a baby to term qualifies as secondary infertility.

I would tell mil that if she makes one more comment/joke about pregnancy you will be going home as you are fed up with her. If she pushes back tell her that her “jokes” aren’t funny and she should know how inappropriate it is and that she is unlikely to find out if you get pregnant now until after the baby is born at this rate!

I never once gave advice. I shared a genuine story. My friend confessed to me she was shocked she became pregnant so quickly after the adoption went through & after years of being told investigations of both her & her DH no reason could be found.

I didn't say you did. I am just pointing out that it is exactly the kind of advice you shouldn't give. FYI