No present AIBU

[Bleedingheartbleedingnose]

Hello,
I think I know the answer to this but just wanted to see how everyone would approach it.

been with my new partner for a number of months, but this will be our first Christmas together. I am spending it with his family on invitation and very pleased to be.

he’s told me this morning that he hasn’t had chance to get me a proper present and has offered me a voucher to get my nails done instead.

i can’t explain why because he has offered a solution, but i feel strangely hurt by this? He gave me options for what he wanted early in December, and I to him (items such as a scarf, a new chopping board - not expensive options if you get me) but said due to being busy at work he’s not had chance to look or order. I also said something like flowers would never be unappreciated so not short of options.

ive sorted his present plus other things I know he will like after listening to what he needs and wants. And I’ve been with him as he’s bought presents for friends etc.

On the whole he’s lovely but I have noticed these sometimes selfish moments. I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that doesn’t look selfish or grabby - it’s not the material gift but the thought. But he has offered the nail solution (I get them done every month) so I can’t tell if actually AIBU?

Testing you to see how badly he can treat you and you'll put up with it.

He’s showing you who he is, he’s selfish and values his own time over your happiness.

If he had time to shop for other gifts, he had time to shop for yours too. How long does it take to go online, literally 10 minutes. You could do that on a lunch break or the commute to work.

He’s lazy, selfish and he thinks nothing of letting you down!

He doesn't care. No time to order online? I call bullshit and if he is doing this so early in the relationship, he's dumping material.

How many months is 'a number'? This is a truly shit thing he did and I would not be ok with this at all.

Cast him back. This is your chance to get rid. Hoenstly these signs are there for a reasons. Listen to them.

Where do you live? Somewhere remote with no shops?

Tell him "no thank you, I would very much not like a voucher for something I do regularly every few months. Sort it out. Shops are open for another 2 days". Then bin him off.

You've been dating months it's hardly as though Christmas just snuck up on him. He's showing you that you don't mean all that much to him so you should listen.

I’m concerned this is the case to be honest (that he’s showing me what I mean to him).
I will say he puts effort in in other ways but present buying has never been particularly strong for him. Not sure if it makes a difference but the other gifts were for friends who live abroad and were visiting so he had more of a time scale for getting them.

are any men just shit at Xmas but it’s not a sign of something more malicious?

As he bought his family gifts then?

Christmas Day is a time scale, no?

You mean present buying you for you, isn’t a strong point…as you mention he’s capable of buying for other people

He could have got you a gift, he chose not to prioritise you. at least you found out early on

Present buying on the whole - for the few friends and family he’s bought for - they are all quite thoughtless gifts if you see what I mean. More obligatory rather than any thought (and I don’t just mean about cost). Think boots gift sets for all.

i could have got a boots gift set but think I’d find that even more offensive. Just not sure whether I’m justified in being upset or whether some people just don’t get it

You said he’s shown signs of being selfish before too - given he’s terrible all round at gift giving then it really depends on how he’s been selfish in other areas.

I personally think there is no excuse for bad gift giving, other than someone valuing their time more than making an effort for others!

ah I see, so he’s just thoughtless in general

still not an appealing quality

He’s not thoughtless in every way - there have been times of genuine effort and kindness. I’m just struggling to reconcile the fact I’ve bought 1 expensive gift he requested plus several other things that I’ve put genuine thought into, and I’m going to have nothing to open it seems

I'd tell him he's got two days of the shops being open and that this is actually a bit hurtful, offering to pay for your nails is zero effort. It's about being on the same page regarding how you treat each other and share celebrations together.

You said there have been a few things that have made you think he can be a bit selfish. Is that just adjusting to a relationship for him or is it who he really is?

How many months have you been together OP?

I would enjoy his awkwardness on Christmas day. And then bin him. If this is what he is like after a few months it will only get worse. And I know you don't give to receive and all the rest of it, but it shows kindness when a gift, even a cheap one, is thoughtfully bought for someone. He did have the time. And yet he chose, for whatever reason, not to. This year was the year I finally, after over 20 years, lost my shit with my DH and told him categorically wanted 5 gifts from a list I gave him. DH is wonderful, and my best friend but I didn't get proposed to, didn't get an engagement ring, I organised our wedding alone, organised my own 50th party and he didn't get me a present. This will be the first year I have gifts. Don't be me.

Why don't you tell him let's postpone the gift exchange until he's done his gift shopping for you?

Don't give him any of the things you've bought for.him. Do not accept the nail voucher.I

He doesn't value you.

Hmm, it's tricky. My now DH was spectacularly shit at gifts at the beginning. He had an arse on him on Christmas day many years back because he ordered my gift on the 23rd and it obviously didn't arrive. I ended up feeling bad because he had fucked up! I talked to him and told him to get his act together. He did.

I missed this. Please don't give him the gifts.

This twat asked for an expensive item.knowing he had no intention of getting you anything.

If he wanted to make it up to you, he'd send you a £200 Selfridges voucher, not offer a lousy nail voucher. Which he hasn't even bought!

If everything else is great except he's shit at gifts then you can communicate and work on that. He could still get you a chopping board on Amazon prime today though so that's lazy.

@PoorUncleBarry this is sort of my dilemma. I know plenty of men who are lovely and love their partners, but simply have never been taught the logistics of gift giving / it has never been their responsibility etc. I know this is not good, but it’s not indicative of an overall lack of care or love

Return the expensive gift and just give him
The little ones like a stocking

Op tell him how you feel about gift giving?
even if he doesn’t think it’s important, once he understands it’s important to you, let his actions tell you how he feels

i doubt he’s the perfect partner in every way other than this tbh