No present AIBU

[Bleedingheartbleedingnose]

Hello,
I think I know the answer to this but just wanted to see how everyone would approach it.

been with my new partner for a number of months, but this will be our first Christmas together. I am spending it with his family on invitation and very pleased to be.

he’s told me this morning that he hasn’t had chance to get me a proper present and has offered me a voucher to get my nails done instead.

i can’t explain why because he has offered a solution, but i feel strangely hurt by this? He gave me options for what he wanted early in December, and I to him (items such as a scarf, a new chopping board - not expensive options if you get me) but said due to being busy at work he’s not had chance to look or order. I also said something like flowers would never be unappreciated so not short of options.

ive sorted his present plus other things I know he will like after listening to what he needs and wants. And I’ve been with him as he’s bought presents for friends etc.

On the whole he’s lovely but I have noticed these sometimes selfish moments. I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that doesn’t look selfish or grabby - it’s not the material gift but the thought. But he has offered the nail solution (I get them done every month) so I can’t tell if actually AIBU?

Have you seen the boots christmas section? The idea is you can do EVERYONE'S shopping there. It's amazing.

This ^^

Do not give him expensive presents when he's been "too busy" to bother with you.

I wouldn't be spending Christmas with him either.

Nobody sat me down as a women a taught me how to buy gifts.. that's a crappy excuse.

My DH was shit as his parents were equally thoughtless, he's learnt over the years how important it is to me to "think" and not even the value of the gift.

Buying me diamond earring when I don't wear earrings is still thoughtless.

You are just at the beginning of your relationship when most couples are trying their best . Possibly he will be discomforted by your over generous gifts or he will just accept them without thought.

I think you have three option. Accept the nail gift and give him time to see if he redeems himself. Observe how he treats his family, Not just in the type of gift he gives them, but particularly observe how kind and respectful he is towards them.

Accept the gift and make up your mind to leave the relationship. Such a wide gap in your expectations of each other this early is a red flag. There is no pleasure in receiving a gift where you have to spell out the process . That leads to a lifetime of disappointment and frustration.

Option 3 , cut your losses and break up with him now.

Paving the way for the future ie couldn’t give a toss. Your first Christmas together shouldn’t be a voucher for a nail bar. All downhill from here I’m afraid x

The reason I posted here was because I think that if someone was telling me this, I’d be inclined to be like “thoughtless, ltb” however he is very generous with his time, he makes an effort in other areas in ways that are above and beyond nice gifts. Hes respectful and kind to family BUT there’s also a clear disparity in gift giving to them too.

my irk is several folds: 1) is it badly intentioned? I don’t know 2) if he is bad at giving gifts even unintentionally, can I deal with this? 3) is it that important to me in terms of other things

Get a refund on what you’ve bought him. It’s setting you up to accept this and not have gifts for the rest of the relationship.

Tell him you'll keep hold of his presents until he's finished buying yours, then you can open your presents together later in the week. Don’t give him his presents if he's got nothing for you.

I think the main problem is that he's saying he hasn't had time to get you a scarf and a chopping board. Bit there's still tomorrow and the rest of today. He's actually decided that he isn't going to bother.

I think you need to tell him there's still time to go shopping, and that you expect him to try and get you something to open on Christmas day.

I think telling you, two days beforehand, that he hasn't gotten you anything is almost the worst part. He still has time to get you gifts, but it's like he has already decided that he won't bother!

Not all men are shit at buying presents. Some may need a prod in the right direction.

But shit men are just that...and probably do wander around Boots with a basket full of meaningless crap.

Who pays when you go out?

It just isn't good enough @Bleedingheartbleedingnose. He asked you for something expensive and then didn't bother to get you anything! He could still fix it but he's not even bothered enough to try! And he's told you, as if it's no big deal and you should be fine with it.

A few months in us best behaviour time
So.... this is his best behaviour.
Don't expect him to change
If you want more then you need to move on
If you stay it'll be the same next year
Only you can decide if that matters

And you can get both of those in one order from TK MaXx

Mine's like this - he just doesn't like shopping. He used to get his admin to do it. Then he did try 2 years running but the clothes he bought me were horrendous and I think the fact i never wore them or the shoes pissed him off.

Now he asks and I just say give me your card, I go online and order what I want.

Some men just don't do it and don't think about it either, I doubt you have anything to worry about

Weaponized incompetence. Bet he is thrilled he did so badly he never has to do it again.

There’s no excuse. It’s not like he doesn’t know when Christmas is! And shops open into the evening now, or there’s internet shopping etc.

It's not that he's bad at giving gifts, It's more that he has not made it a priority to get you ANYTHING. He showed more consideration to friends by taking his time to get them presents and this is your first christmas together! This is supposed to be where he goes overboard in his want to please you and yet...nothing. You're an afterthought. I wouldn't want to continue the road with someone who doesn't think that I'm important enough to get a thoughtful gift...or any gift! How embarrassing for him when you open gifts with his family at christmas. Why don't you try to get a refund on his expensive gift and give him the other ones. It will be embarrassing enough and that avoids you to spend a fortune on his stingy ass.

Does your man goes to the shops to get his friends gifts though? See, the OP's cheapskate is capable when he wants to.

I prefer it this way tbh, I can just go and buy myself what I want instead of some crap I will never use. He is not incompetent, he has bought me some nice bits over the years, but I prefer to pick my own.

but simply have never been taught the logistics of gift giving

How strange, I don't remember the gift giving classes at school either. But I manage. Must be because I'm a girl

He didn't care enough to spend ten minutes on Amazon finding and ordering something for you. Even though he managed to buy a series of gift boxes from Boots for his family.

Hope you’ve also stopped buying for him.

I don’t get the point about taking his card, isn’t all money joint money?

He’s offered to let me pick my own too but for me it’s not about the actual gift, it’s about the thought (which I have expressed)

I don’t know how he will feel opening in front of his family. I’m not sure if they are big gift people or not - we travel up today