No present AIBU

[Bleedingheartbleedingnose]

Hello,
I think I know the answer to this but just wanted to see how everyone would approach it.

been with my new partner for a number of months, but this will be our first Christmas together. I am spending it with his family on invitation and very pleased to be.

he’s told me this morning that he hasn’t had chance to get me a proper present and has offered me a voucher to get my nails done instead.

i can’t explain why because he has offered a solution, but i feel strangely hurt by this? He gave me options for what he wanted early in December, and I to him (items such as a scarf, a new chopping board - not expensive options if you get me) but said due to being busy at work he’s not had chance to look or order. I also said something like flowers would never be unappreciated so not short of options.

ive sorted his present plus other things I know he will like after listening to what he needs and wants. And I’ve been with him as he’s bought presents for friends etc.

On the whole he’s lovely but I have noticed these sometimes selfish moments. I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that doesn’t look selfish or grabby - it’s not the material gift but the thought. But he has offered the nail solution (I get them done every month) so I can’t tell if actually AIBU?

What would bother me most is that he had the audacity to ask you to buy him something expensive but made it clear that he couldn't be bothered putting any effort in to your gift.

It would be different if he had suggested you both just buy token gifts or something but that is not the case.

He is showing you that he thinks he is more important in the relationship than you are. It's up to you if you decide to go along with this.

It it were me I would be returning the expensive gift, just give him a couple of small things - match his energy / generosity (or lack thereof).

Then consider if you want to continue with the relationship.

He cared about his friends though?

it takes 5-10mins to order something on amazon or make a nice voucher card on moonpig. I would be very upset and show it.

I think you need to be direct with him and tell him straight out that this isn't good enough. He can go out today or tomorrow and get you something, and put proper thought into it. That's really poor.

He should be doing his best at this stage, and given you're going to be with his family and everyone's going to be opening presents, including him getting lovely things from you, it's really not on that he's not going to get you anything to open.

And wtf he managed to buy presents for friends (and family I presume) but not for you?? This is an indicator of how important you are to him/how much effort he will go to for you; it's not looking good, is it?

Amazon is open 24/7 @Bleedingheartbleedingnose - please don't let his "unusually busy" December be the bullshit excuse you accept.. There's no justification for this and it's selfish and unpleasant, particularly in light of his gift requirements being given to you in advance!

Return them and get him an amazon voucher to the value of getting your nails done! If he is genuinely grateful you can interprete that as him not beingbintonthe gift thing. If he is miffed, you know he is into the gift thibg, but one way only.

But he has (or will have) gotten away with even worse for you - he has not even bothered to go to the shop and get you an 'obligatory' gift - even that effort is too much for him. All he has done is 'offered' to get you a voucher for your nails. Absolutely zero effort.

Your update on the expensive gift makes it worse. I couldn’t be with someone like this.

Hard pass
It wouldn’t take long for him to order something online or grab something in a shop
Lack of time is the crappiest excuse

Also Nail voucher is an absolutely piss take especially since you get them done and pay for it anyway - - unless it was a 1 year worth of nail treatment at your fave salon - plus flowers

I had a BF once who didn’t organise my b’day gift properly. Gave me a bunch of flowers and a vase that broke as soon as put water in it and a nail voucher bought last minute from a place close to his place and far from mine
When I finally tried to book a few weeks after the place had closed down

The shops on Christmas Eve are rammed with men doing their Christmas shopping so I don’t think doing it last minute is indicative of anything. You said you like flowers and they have to be bought the day before.

I agree with others that you should hold back the big gift and give him the other bits.

You should absolutely be matching his energy/reciprocating in kind at this stage.

As pp said, observe what he says/his behaviour when he doesn't get the big thing he asked for. It will give you good insight into what kind of man he is and what kind of life you might have with him long term.

I would return what you bought for him, get my money back and cancel Christmas with his family

He couldn’t sort out a chopping board. What a twat.

And you are going to be sat there whilst his family open presents including him opening his lovely presents from you.

Don’t take his presents with you, OP. See how he reacts.

There is no excuse in the modern age, if he has three minutes he can go on Amazon, order you almost anything and have it delivered. You can still have a nice day over Christmas, with his family and see how it plays out maybe don't give all the presents you've brought for him and keep some for a dad or brother perhaps. Or spend it with your own family if they can cater for you.

Men can self teach themselves anything OP
Just like woman

It is called be an adult who cares

Against the grain but DH has always been a shit gift-giver. One year he bought me a paperback that I already had (and my copy of which was stored prominently on the bookshelf opposite his desk where he wfh). I would of course prefer a thoughtful gift, but it’s just become a bit of a family joke. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The difference I suppose is that we’re old and have been together for years, and pretty much cba with Christmas any more.

It is a typographical convention when someone wants to draw attention to a particular point. But you know that.

This shouty poster is drawing attention to a point that we have, indeed, been overlooking. OP thinks he doesn't give much thought to gifts and presents. But he does, when HE* is the recipient.

• see what I did there😉?

I don’t necessarily agree. That could be the case, but it could also be that OP asked what he wanted and he responded, but would be unbothered if she didn’t end up getting them.

Either way, it’s important to OP so he should have made more of an effort to make it important to him, but it could be a moment for a lesson learnt as opposed to a red flag. That’s why I said to gauge his response; if he’s defensive, it’s a red flag. If he’s reflective, there’s possible that it was an oversight.

Well, he DID have time to get you something special. It just wasn't a priority for him!

He managed to give you a list of gifts that he wanted.

It’s glaringly obvious from your posts that you’re desperate to come up with excuses for his laziness, thoughtlessness and selfishness.

Ypu should be taking note of the big red flags waving in your face and be extremely grateful that you’ve only wasted a few months on him. Sadly I don’t think you will.

Would you still give him all presents?

Or just one of the smaller ones?

It's written, I was emphasising. I'm sorry if you use a screen reader.

It sounds like he's just not a present arranging person, a lot of men aren't. If he was buying amazing presents or putting a lot of time/money into everyone else and not you, or one specific person, it would be different.

If gift giving is your love language he needs to understand that it's important to you even if he doesn't find it important himself. Tell him you love unwrapping a gift.

This is quite a good idea actually.

If you don’t feel ready to bin him now, I’d try this.

Something “no problems - you and I can exchange our gifts on 25 Jan, it’ll give us something to look forward to”. So it’s not a case of he’s avoided the task of thinking of someone other than himself, and the task doesn’t go away if he leaves it. If he doesn’t step up then, bin him.

Dont give him your gifts until it’s an exchange.

Accept it now, accept it forever.

From someone who's DH doesn't understand the importance of gift or card giving, you need to tell him direct how you feel about it. Some men (and women) just don't get the importance. Some years my DH slips back a bit but overall he now understands the importance of it to me. TBF I'd love a boots or similar gift set.....I'm always begging for toiletries in my stocking every year!

This years issue for us was advent calendars. He never got one for me despite me talking about the ones I got the kids and that I got him one. I even sent him links to ones I liked which he commented things like which would i prefer and I'd have to wait to see what I got. Afterwards he admitted he didnt realise the importance of it to me.

Its not about the gift....its about the thought and effort put into something. If his plan was to offer you a gift voucher for nails, then he should go get one....or at least make a temporary IOU voucher (I love that sort of thing lol)