No present AIBU

[Bleedingheartbleedingnose]

Hello,
I think I know the answer to this but just wanted to see how everyone would approach it.

been with my new partner for a number of months, but this will be our first Christmas together. I am spending it with his family on invitation and very pleased to be.

he’s told me this morning that he hasn’t had chance to get me a proper present and has offered me a voucher to get my nails done instead.

i can’t explain why because he has offered a solution, but i feel strangely hurt by this? He gave me options for what he wanted early in December, and I to him (items such as a scarf, a new chopping board - not expensive options if you get me) but said due to being busy at work he’s not had chance to look or order. I also said something like flowers would never be unappreciated so not short of options.

ive sorted his present plus other things I know he will like after listening to what he needs and wants. And I’ve been with him as he’s bought presents for friends etc.

On the whole he’s lovely but I have noticed these sometimes selfish moments. I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that doesn’t look selfish or grabby - it’s not the material gift but the thought. But he has offered the nail solution (I get them done every month) so I can’t tell if actually AIBU?

@aperolspritzbasicbitch because hes not just entirely uncaring - gave examples earlier, generous with time, buying food out, trips etc.
wanted to see if anyone was with someone who was bad at presents but also genuinely cared about them in other ways / how they’d addressed it

He may care a bit, just obviously not enough. (I know you said not to keep reiterating, but you seem to bealing excuses for him).

What are the other selfish behaviours that he displays?

This has been said before I know but - he's not bad at presents, he simply hasn't bothered.

@aperolspritzbasicbitch he’s often very one track minded in his thinking - eg if he has a work project or deadline nothing else matters and I think he struggles to empathise with others having stress occasionally

Quite often, those that do not about receiving gifts tend not to see the importance for others. I agree it does not mean he does not care about you.

You are in such an early stage and the relationship, you are both still finding your feet. I don’t t agree with the poster who said to lay it out clearly. That would make me run a mile.

He's not bad at presents, he openly said he's not bothering getting you a present at all.

How long have you been together?

8 months x

It’s unfathomable that a man would ask for specific presents (including an expensive one) from his girlfriend and then not bother to buy her the things she asked for (like a chopping board!).

He is happy to watch you sit like there with zero
presents in front of his parents.

OP, give yourself a gift by telling him you forgot his presents when you arrive at his parents’ house. Just watch his reaction.

Do you want this to be your life? Every birthday, Valentine’s, mother’s day, christmas etc and zero effort from him? Every time around these holidays there posts on here of women who are sad because their husbands got nothing not even a nice card or flowers. No thanks

YANBU to be hurt by this.
8 months is unacceptable not to get your partner a present unless agreed.

i honestly wouldn’t give him the expensive gift. I’d give the scarf type only and save the others for a birthday. If he responds badly then it’s a defo LTB for double standards.

but at 8months a conversation should be had around expectations re:gift giving to see if you’re on the same page.

Just in case this was me, I don't mean that OP should have it out with the guy.

But telling the truth nicely, without any drama, e.g. I'm very disappointed that we discussed gifts and in the end you've not actually bothered to get me anything at all. I've got you things that I hope you will love, and as it stands I'll have nothing to open when everyone else is exchanging gifts. I'll feel silly in front of your family, and left out. No, I don't want to choose something myself, because I can do that anyway, and a voucher at the last minute isn't really a gift. Please don't think I need or want for you to spend loads or get me a huge amount, I'd just like something to open on the day. Next Christmas let's do wish lists with links if you need some suggestions (or whatever works for OP).

What OP really mustn't do now is swallow the disappointment and/or make out she's fine with this level of effort when she isn't.

OP doesn't have to have this talk now, right before Christmas, tbf - if she'd rather, she could talk about it with him in January.

As to your first point, that's true. But people who 'aren't into presents' or 'don't care about receiving gifts' shouldn't then ask for big ticket items or expensive things, should they? Because that's just not on, is it?

Finally, if having a perfectly calm and reasonable talk laying out expectations around gift exchanging results in the other party running a mile...well, they've done OP a favour.

When he buys meals out for you both and trips away together, he is actually getting the benefit - these are things he wants to do, and he is happy to pay for your company.
Have a think - when was the last time he put some thought, time, money, or effort into something that was just for you, not for him and you together?

well he was quick enough to supply his own requests for gifts for OP to get him
If he doesn't want to do gifts, that was the opportunity to state it.

OP has no idea what she’s got yet. Maybe she should wait and see before she starts complaining.

Oh tbf I'd missed that he said he was going to try today/tomorrow!

Other than that OP does know what she's going to get - either a voucher for nails, or she can pick something herself.

I guess you'll see what happens @Bleedingheartbleedingnose! Hope it all works out okay. 🎄

Yep. If you let it go once you're in for a life of a box of chocolates from the petrol station. Max.

You can order online even if you are busy. It’s a poor show and you should be disappointed. There’s nothing wrong with a voucher, but it shouldn’t be a consolation prize when someone can’t be bothered.

You need to point out that the shops are actually open tomorrow. Don't put up with it and certainly don't give him the expensive gift. Get a refund and buy something for yourself.

Oh look - he has all day tomorrow to buy gifts !
as they have travelled to his parents today.

so not working today or tomorrow...

My OH would give me his last penny, but is terrible at present buying or understanding why it's important.
He's generally very generous with anything but just doesn't get present buying. He also doesn't like receiving gifts unless he's chosen them.
We had very different childhoods and Christmas wasn't a good time for him (think drunken violent father often waking up to no presents) whereas my family made a big thing of it.
If it's important to you, explain your feelings. I do get a token present and we go shopping in the sales.

He's not really showing that he values you very much. Especially in a new relationship he should be at his best. I feel like he is only going to get lazier...

It’s not even a voucher for something @Bleedingheartbleedingnose would consider a special treat, she states she gets her nails done regularly. And he hasn’t gone to the bother of actually arranging a voucher, he’s just offered to pay.
It’s a piss poor effort when he should be still in the honeymoon period and puts OP in a very awkward position when they will be exchanging gifts with his family there. How do you feel about styling it out and totally embarrassing him for his stinginess?
Unless his family have some weird traditions where they all pass around a Boots gift set to each person and have done? (I’m thinking Nessa and the taps)
Will you report back @Bleedingheartbleedingnose ? I hope he’s mortified on the day and buys you the best present ever to say sorry.

He says he’s got me one so we will see!

Ah @Bleedingheartbleedingnose hoping it's something lovely! I think it's okay to give him the benefit of the doubt to an extent, as long as he makes an effort. Happy Christmas and I hope you have a lovely time at his parents'. 🎄