No present AIBU

[Bleedingheartbleedingnose]

Hello,
I think I know the answer to this but just wanted to see how everyone would approach it.

been with my new partner for a number of months, but this will be our first Christmas together. I am spending it with his family on invitation and very pleased to be.

he’s told me this morning that he hasn’t had chance to get me a proper present and has offered me a voucher to get my nails done instead.

i can’t explain why because he has offered a solution, but i feel strangely hurt by this? He gave me options for what he wanted early in December, and I to him (items such as a scarf, a new chopping board - not expensive options if you get me) but said due to being busy at work he’s not had chance to look or order. I also said something like flowers would never be unappreciated so not short of options.

ive sorted his present plus other things I know he will like after listening to what he needs and wants. And I’ve been with him as he’s bought presents for friends etc.

On the whole he’s lovely but I have noticed these sometimes selfish moments. I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that doesn’t look selfish or grabby - it’s not the material gift but the thought. But he has offered the nail solution (I get them done every month) so I can’t tell if actually AIBU?

Why not postpone your gift exchange to Jan?

That’s a pathetic offer. He knows anyone choosing their own gift will likely choose some thing small because they will feel self-conscious in a newish relationship.

Don't go with him. Bin him off and have christmas by yourself. He's a selfish unthoughtful arse

Can you give us some examples of his efforts on other areas when it relates to your relationship with him?

Top comment correct. He is testing you, they usually wait to pull this 💩

Unless you like feeling this, leave. Not gonna get better, promise

You would say LTB because you know. Don’t be fooled by the lovebombing, it’s always followed by devaluation.

This is what this is. To make no effort at Christmas for your new partner is no mistake.

No, we have joint account for bills and keep the rest of our own money

Thanks guys. Not quite ltb territory for me at all but appreciate the advice. He’s very good at paying for other things too like meals, trips away it’s just the physical gift giving that is less than desired (but this isn’t about financial equality anyway, it’s thought, but we are financially equal otherwise. On similar salaries, he’s a bit more)

I'd still go to his parents for Christmas, and it's not automatically LTB territory as far as I'm concerned. But you do need to make it absolutely clear to him that this isn't acceptable and that he's put you at the bottom of his priorities and you're not going to stick around for that. Then see how he responds or what he does.

Have you spoken to him? You need to give him a heads up so he knows he needs to get you something today or tomorrow.

I agree. I suspect, come Jan when the OP starts talking about her next nail appointment he will stall about ponying up the money, and then try to.make the OP feel grabby, orvridiculous because Christmas was ages ago.

Plenty of people have separate finances. We do.
No mortgage or kids. Met in our 40s we have no need to join finances. He pays me his share of the bills and our money is our own.

He's showing you he doesn't really care that much.
First Christmas should be one where you don't have to question whether he cares or loves you enough to out in a little bit of effort.

Fwiw, like most adults I suspect, I've been really busy with work and home stuff - still managed to buy gifts for the entire family and friends, order Christmas food, make after Christmas bookings and arrangements (we're going away), organise visiting people to drop off/collect gifts, organise family visiting/staying here, etc.

Ordering online takes a matter of minutes.
There's no excuse unless he has been laid up, properly ill, with no chance to even use an iPad.

No one needs to keep reiterating he doesn’t care about me, this has crossed my mind already so just wanted some scope here

I'd be telling him if he doesn't come up with the gifts, which shall not be a voucher or gift set, and which is easily done as Amazon deliver tomorrow and the shops are open, then he won't be getting his gifts either as it's embarrassing for you to spoil him in front of his family and receive nothing in return.

He clearly hasn't thought about how this will look to his family, or you, for that matter.

He needs a head wobble, and fast.

In what ways is he thoughtful and selfless OP?

This is a good idea, OP.

If you explain to him how this could be embarrassing for you then he has time to have a think about it and then not rush buying.

Having your own little New Years meal and gifts gives him time to put this right in a way that won't feel throwaway and forced.

If he produces a Boots gift set in Jan, tho...........

It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. Please don't tale a lot of these comments to heart. A lot of MNs have idyllic perfect lives, and go forbid your life doesn't live up to these ideals. Honestly he might surprise you, let us know how you get on.

This is just one of those things that some men do, it's really not a big deal to some of them.

Return all your gifts. He wants you to go on Christmas day because he doesn't want to be on his own at home. I wouldn't give him anything

Some people esp adults are much into presents. gobsmacked what some people come up here as a first response.

If everything else is great, it wouldn't bother me at all. total non issue. Maybe shelf gifts next year if it's just causing stress and angst.

I don't much care about presents so my advice to OP isn't given from the perspective of presents being a big deal. But DH is really thoughtful and good at picking them, which I do really appreciate (and naturally I reciprocate too). He listens to me and cares enough to make the effort.

The issue here isn't necessarily the lack of presents, except that he clearly expects presents from OP and even requested an expensive thing.

It's the principle that matters.

He doesn't though

Haven't RTFT but he's got a damn cheek asking for expensive gifts when he can't be arsed reciprocating. Out of interest, what did he ask for?

@Bleedingheartbleedingnose I don't think people are saying it to upset you. 💐

Hopefully he will prove that he can fix it and wants to do so. A good man will always step up if given clear, unambiguous messaging.

This is a good idea. Call them New Year's Eve gifts. That gives him extra time to go shopping, there will probably be sales, too. Then, you exchange gifts together (romantic) and, if he's still fucked it up, bin him off with a clear conscience.

OP, you seem to have posted to vent, rather than actually get a variety of opinion, which is fine of course - but perhaps be upfront about that.

You have posted this, then spent the majority of your comments defending him, but giving no examples of how thoughtful he usually is. You also haven't answered any of the posts asking how long you've been together.

It's quite an odd thread.