Page 2 | No present AIBU

Bleedingheartbleedingnose · 2024-12-23T09:00:15+00:00

Hello, I think I know the answer to this but just wanted to see how everyone would approach it. been with my new partner for a number of months, but this will be our first Christmas together. I am spending it with his family on invitation and very pleased to be. he’s told me this morning that he hasn’t had chance to get me a proper present and has offered me a voucher to get my nails done instead. i can’t explain why because he has offered a solution, but i feel strangely hurt by this? He gave me options for what he wanted early in December, and I to him (items such as a scarf, a new chopping board - not expensive options if you get me) but said due to being busy at work he’s not had chance to look or order. I also said something like flowers would never be unappreciated so not short of options. ive sorted his present plus other things I know he will like after listening to what he needs and wants. And I’ve been with him as he’s bought presents for friends etc. On the whole he’s lovely but I have noticed these sometimes selfish moments. I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that doesn’t look selfish or grabby - it’s not the material gift but the thought. But he has offered the nail solution (I get them done every month) so I can’t tell if actually AIBU?

Redoubchair · 23/12/2024 11:22

Bleedingheartbleedingnose · 23/12/2024 11:19

@PoorUncleBarry this is sort of my dilemma. I know plenty of men who are lovely and love their partners, but simply have never been taught the logistics of gift giving / it has never been their responsibility etc. I know this is not good, but it’s not indicative of an overall lack of care or love

@Bleedingheartbleedingnose if you told him "oh, thank you. That's really sweet of you. I was worried because I forgot to buy yours and will give you a voucher for xyz if that's ok"....how do you think he'd react? If he was okay with it, then perhaps it's really that he didn't make the time and you might just need to let him know it's important to you he makes time to get you meaningful gifts. If he gets pissed off, throw him back in

NiftyPeachDreamer · 23/12/2024 11:25

Bleedingheartbleedingnose · 23/12/2024 11:19

@PoorUncleBarry this is sort of my dilemma. I know plenty of men who are lovely and love their partners, but simply have never been taught the logistics of gift giving / it has never been their responsibility etc. I know this is not good, but it’s not indicative of an overall lack of care or love

But he does know the logistics of gift giving, because he has done it.for friends.

If he cared about you, you would be the one he was most excited to buy for and to see your reaction to what he got for you.

Are the gifts with you?

Shoxfordian · 23/12/2024 11:27

There's still time for him to go out today or tomorrow to get you something and he hasn't bothered, get a new one op, he's not the one

FluDog · 23/12/2024 11:31

This is my 20th Christmas with DP and I still struggle for what to get her. Especially when she says "I don't want anything" then says she's got me something. In the end I picked her up some trainers and a few bits from boots with DS - although now reading the boots comment I might take it back!

I wouldn't read too much into him buying for friends, that's easy, but as a new partner I would have thought he should put more effort into making it nice for you.

Original poster

Bleedingheartbleedingnose · 23/12/2024 11:31

He does still have time today/tomorrow but that still doesn’t smack of care and attention does it? He did say he’d try today and in his defence he has had an unusually busy December. And as I said the obligatory gifts were all thoughtless whereas I think he knows he could not get away with that for me

OP posts:

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 23/12/2024 11:32

Can you answer how long you've been together OP?

Shoxfordian · 23/12/2024 11:32

He could have ordered some flowers online or something from amazon, he made time to buy presents for his friends and you should be more important than them

latetothefisting · 23/12/2024 11:33

When you're with his family on Christmas Day, if they ask 'what did X get you for Christmas, then,' make sure you answer honestly, 'Nothing, he said he didn't have time.' You could make it into a pretend joke by doing a fake "wish I hadn't bothered with all the stuff I got him/he managed to make time to give me a list of things he wanted though!"

Sometimes other people judging him will shock some shame into him when a "nagging" girlfriend won't.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 23/12/2024 11:33

Bleedingheartbleedingnose · 23/12/2024 11:31

He does still have time today/tomorrow but that still doesn’t smack of care and attention does it? He did say he’d try today and in his defence he has had an unusually busy December. And as I said the obligatory gifts were all thoughtless whereas I think he knows he could not get away with that for me

He actually is getting away with it for you though, isn't he?
Paying for something that you already have done and will already have planned.

Boredforlife · 23/12/2024 11:34

FluDog · 23/12/2024 11:31

This is my 20th Christmas with DP and I still struggle for what to get her. Especially when she says "I don't want anything" then says she's got me something. In the end I picked her up some trainers and a few bits from boots with DS - although now reading the boots comment I might take it back!

I wouldn't read too much into him buying for friends, that's easy, but as a new partner I would have thought he should put more effort into making it nice for you.

Take no notice, there’s nothing wrong with a Boots gift set 🎁

Blueberry911 · 23/12/2024 11:34

Bleedingheartbleedingnose · 23/12/2024 11:31

He does still have time today/tomorrow but that still doesn’t smack of care and attention does it? He did say he’d try today and in his defence he has had an unusually busy December. And as I said the obligatory gifts were all thoughtless whereas I think he knows he could not get away with that for me

Christmas isn't a surprise, it's the same date every year. If he wanted to get you a present, he would have done. As above, he's testing how badly he can treat you and get away with it. He sounds horrible.

GogAndMagog · 23/12/2024 11:34

A voucher for getting your nails done when it's something you do regularly is not a proper gift.

He still has time. Tell him he still has time.

Isn't he embarrassed he'll open gifts plural from you in front of his family and you'll have sod all? That takes some gall.

Original poster

Bleedingheartbleedingnose · 23/12/2024 11:39

Sorry you’re right, nothing wrong with a boots gift set - I just sort of meant to illustrate that it was a trip into the town centre, one shop and done kind of thing (rather than meticulously thinking about what people would want)

OP posts:

ThinWomansBrain · 23/12/2024 11:40

Bleedingheartbleedingnose · 23/12/2024 11:19

@PoorUncleBarry this is sort of my dilemma. I know plenty of men who are lovely and love their partners, but simply have never been taught the logistics of gift giving / it has never been their responsibility etc. I know this is not good, but it’s not indicative of an overall lack of care or love

He's managed to learn the logistics of giving you a list of stuff he'd like from you. Stop making excuses for him/

Aligirlbear · 23/12/2024 11:41

You have seen all the MN threads about DP / DH who are useless at gift buying and the underlying resentment it breeds as it is usually coupled with other thoughtless behaviour they manage to exhibit during the year.

Sorry but Christmas isn't a surprise, same date every year and frankly if this is his approach when you haven't even been together a year, it won't get better. I think you should look at this as a red flag. There will be other examples of thoughtless behaviour on his part and likely to get worse over time. Not to mention if you do stay together you will become in charge of present buying etc. for all his family / friends etc, and the associated admin.

I would be rethinking which of the presents if any you have bought him you will be giving him at Christmas and consider long and hard if he is the right person for you.

NiftyPeachDreamer · 23/12/2024 11:41

Bleedingheartbleedingnose · 23/12/2024 11:39

Sorry you’re right, nothing wrong with a boots gift set - I just sort of meant to illustrate that it was a trip into the town centre, one shop and done kind of thing (rather than meticulously thinking about what people would want)

But I bet he’s asked for something more thoughtful than a Boots 3 for 2 offer for himself.

ItGhoul · 23/12/2024 11:45

'I haven't had time' is really no excuse. It takes ten minutes to order something online, especially things as simple as the things you suggested.

I don't think it's selfish or grabby to expect him to put a tiny bit of thought and effort into making sure you have a present to open on Christmas Day.

Silvertulips · 23/12/2024 11:46

My DH is crap at gifts.

I now buy my own and he gives me the money.

Romantic? Not really but we’ve been together 25 years and generally go on holidays instead.

If he’s otherwise a good catch, it’s something you can work round. If it’s Facebook likes you want - throw him back.

GretchenWienersHair · 23/12/2024 11:48

YANBU to be disappointed, especially as gift-giving is important to you; it’s not the amount of money that goes into a gift but the thought behind it. I don’t completely buy into the whole ‘Love Languages’ theory but can see how it would be relevant here. It’s important to you but not to him.

I wouldn’t write him off completely as other posters have said if everything else is good, nor do I think this is necessarily a red flag. I would make it clear that you’re disappointed, explain that it’s important to you, even if not to him, and gauge his response from there.

Blueberry911 · 23/12/2024 11:49

GretchenWienersHair · 23/12/2024 11:48

YANBU to be disappointed, especially as gift-giving is important to you; it’s not the amount of money that goes into a gift but the thought behind it. I don’t completely buy into the whole ‘Love Languages’ theory but can see how it would be relevant here. It’s important to you but not to him.

I wouldn’t write him off completely as other posters have said if everything else is good, nor do I think this is necessarily a red flag. I would make it clear that you’re disappointed, explain that it’s important to you, even if not to him, and gauge his response from there.

He's managed to give OP a LIST OF PRESENTS HE WANTED.

GretchenWienersHair · 23/12/2024 11:50

Blueberry911 · 23/12/2024 11:49

He's managed to give OP a LIST OF PRESENTS HE WANTED.

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Why are you shouting?

lionloaf · 23/12/2024 11:52

Bleedingheartbleedingnose · 23/12/2024 10:46

He’s not thoughtless in every way - there have been times of genuine effort and kindness. I’m just struggling to reconcile the fact I’ve bought 1 expensive gift he requested plus several other things that I’ve put genuine thought into, and I’m going to have nothing to open it seems

Tell him you’ll return his as you’re not really doing gifts this year and you’ll get him a voucher for a takeaway (same price as your nails) in the new year. If he’s disappointed, throw it back at him and let him realise how he’s made you feel.

Rowen32 · 23/12/2024 11:52

Honestly OP, I wouldn't be impressed, you've literally told him things you wanted. I'd be honest with him and tell him you're hurt and upset, you'll know by his response if he's a good one or not. Also, don't take the tags off his presents in case you want to bring them back!

lionloaf · 23/12/2024 11:53

Ps this is your first Christmas with him….not a good sign of things to come

ProfessorInkling · 23/12/2024 11:53

We've all had a busy December, haven't we? December is busy. So we make it work. We find time. We fit things in. Especially to those that matter to us.