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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go nuclear on my DB and SIL

301 replies

Upsetorjustpregnant · 23/12/2024 08:56

Aghhh!!! Where do I start???
My two brothers and their families are home from abroad for Christmas for the first time in about 15 years. I live 10 minutes from my parents. We were all excited and had plans made. My Mum in particular was very excited. She was stressed too at the thought of having them all there with 7 extra people
in the house (in particular said SIL, as she can be tough work to have around constantly….just different views etc).
This brother and SIL and their kids landed late Saturday night and announced yesterday that they’re actually going away for the few days over Christmas.
My Mum text me last night to say they wouldn’t be around for our Christmas Eve dinner, which I was hosting for everyone. She’s very upset. As am I. I was awake all night thinking of it. I haven’t actually seen them yet as they landed late Saturday night, and we were at a party for my husband’s family yesterday. I’ll be going to my parents house in the next hour or so and feel like letting loose at my DB and SIL.
my SIL doesn’t celebrate Christmas which we respect, bar the presents and the food we don’t celebrate the religious side of it.
Like why come home at Christmas time and then not sit through a bloody family dinner. And make a point of it by booking time away two nights after they land?!!?!?!?

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 23/12/2024 08:58

I wouldn’t go nuclear as that’s their choice how to celebrate Christmas , however it’s a bit strange to come “home” for Christmas then make alternate plans Wihout telling anyone until last minute.

Octavia64 · 23/12/2024 09:00

Had the plans actually been agreed with SIL?

Your post sounds a bit like you and your mum had made a lot of plans but did your brother and SIL actually agree to them?

VoodooRajin · 23/12/2024 09:00

I wonder if that's the wifes doing

Catza · 23/12/2024 09:01

What would "letting loose" achieve? Nothing.
If it were me, I'd have a quiet word with DB just making him aware that your mum is very upset with this arrangement and could they please consider doing something special for her when they return from the trip. Only because your mum won't say anything to them and it would be nice if your brother made it up to her somehow. But other than that, don't create any more drama than necessary.

Berga · 23/12/2024 09:01

I guess it depends on whether you had confirmed plans with them or made assumptions? If they have effectively stood you up and you've all spent extra on food for them then they are arseholes. If they never said they would be at these meals, then not so much.

IthappenedInthenight · 23/12/2024 09:03

I wouldn’t go nuclear. Just get in touch and let them know you’d love to see them all and give a few options of days/times so
they can decide . It does seem a little odd so I’d be cautious in case there is some kind of problem you aren’t aware of Flowers

Original poster
Upsetorjustpregnant · 23/12/2024 09:03

2chocolateoranges · 23/12/2024 08:58

I wouldn’t go nuclear as that’s their choice how to celebrate Christmas , however it’s a bit strange to come “home” for Christmas then make alternate plans Wihout telling anyone until last minute.

“Nuclear” is probably a strong term. I won’t go nuclear but I think we’re very upset at the last minute nature of it all. It’s just shows us that my SIL’s preference takes precedence. We have always, or at the very least tried to as no one is perfect, respect her. We’re feeling like they couldn’t manage one day of a family meal that’s important to the rest of us.

OP posts:
MrsWhites · 23/12/2024 09:04

Aww your poor mum. I wouldn’t go nuclear but I would certainly have a conversation with my brother and point out how much your mum has been looking forward to spending Christmas with them and how unreasonable it is to let her down at the last minute. That’s quite cruel to let her look forward to it and then cancel at the last minute!

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 23/12/2024 09:04

What do you think will happen.

You go off on them and they decide that they will attend?

It sounds crowded, and you don't like your SIL so surely this is the best option, more space and you don't have to be in the company of someone you dislike.

Candlesandmatches · 23/12/2024 09:04

It’s their choice.
My DSis and BIL and DC are visiting next year. Haven’t seen them for well before COVID.
They are not visiting our parents. It’s an easy journey. My DSis has never seen where our Dparebts live. Other family in that area too.
It’s strange but their choice.

DelicateSoundOfEchos · 23/12/2024 09:05

VoodooRajin · 23/12/2024 09:00

I wonder if that's the wifes doing

Nowhere do you say that your brother had told any of you that he'd be there for family dinners. It sounds like you've all assumed, and your assumptions were wrong.

Really its up to him and his wife when they travel and what they do. That said, I think they should have informed your mum at the soonest opportunity that they'd be travelling away for a few days.

Edited to add I don't know why it posted as a reply but it isn't intended as one!

Supersoakers · 23/12/2024 09:07

I find it difficult to understand people who don’t care about seeing their parents (unless they’re nc due to abuse).

But it’s easy to blame SIL I’m sure your db would manage to spend time with his mum if he really wanted to.

phoenixrosehere · 23/12/2024 09:09

You’ll see them but they won’t be there for the Christmas dinner that you’re hosting?

Beforehand you were all stressed that you had to try to accommodate them?

It really reads like you don’t like your SIL.

Stressed that they were coming but now annoyed that they aren’t so pretty much a no-win situation even though you will be still seeing them.

Dearg · 23/12/2024 09:10

Honestly you are making a lot of assumptions- that they want to do what you do, or that SIL takes precedence etc.

Perhaps, as pp suggested, there’s a problem -could be within the marriage, could be a health issue.

Either way, calm down, have some respect for their privacy , and, assuming you do care for them , then send a message telling them how you would love to see them.

ViciousCurrentBun · 23/12/2024 09:14

Was a plan or an assumption made?

That’s the first bit of info needed.

UndermyShoeJoe · 23/12/2024 09:15

Had they ever actually agreed to do Christmas with you and your mum? Rather than just you and mum making plans and telling them? What about the other brother and his family?

Also don’t see the issue with the visiting over Christmas but not actual Christmas Day. It’s school holidays, bank holidays you use less animal leave to travel over Christmas it makes sense to use the holiday for holidaying.

OkayLetMeKnowHowItGoes · 23/12/2024 09:17

Who had made the plans? Your DB or was it you and DM telling him what was happening?

Ellie1015 · 23/12/2024 09:19

I would tell brother how you feel. Of course if they come home for Christmas close family/hosts would expect to spend Christmas with them. It is really rude.

NerdyBird · 23/12/2024 09:20

Wouldn't they have had to book in advance to be away on actual xmas day? It seems to be poor communication all round.

Member984815 · 23/12/2024 09:22

Unless the plans were made involving everyone, and not just wouldn't it be great if we all got together and just expecting them to go , I think they can do what they want

Imbusytodaysorry · 23/12/2024 09:22

I wouldn’t go nuclear but id definitely say something to them both.
Oh we thought you had actulay cane home to spend Xmas with family well maybe one meal at least .
Mum was looking forward to it

TwinkleLights24 · 23/12/2024 09:23

It’s their Christmas to spend how they want.

SJM1988 · 23/12/2024 09:24

Did they know of the plans or did you assume they would spend all their time with you all?

My in laws live in Australia. Our last visit it was just assumed we were going to be with them the whole time. No discussion. They made lots of plans without tell us. And although I was happy to just go with the flow (this time we visited) I can see how it would be annoying to arrive and be told there are all these plans going on.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 23/12/2024 09:25

Let them go. You never see them anyway, and they seem not to want to be part of your family.

I would just ignore them for the Christmas period, don’t let them spoil your family celebrations. When they come back from their ‘holiday’, you can see whether you can fit them into your lives.

rosiethegremlin · 23/12/2024 09:25

It's clear from your posts that you don't like the SIL. It's not clear whether there was ever any plans to visit other than being in the same town. Also you're quick to blame the SIL, maybe your DB didn't want to as it's clear how you feel about his wife. It's his Christmas too