To go nuclear on my DB and SIL

[Upsetorjustpregnant]

Aghhh!!! Where do I start???
My two brothers and their families are home from abroad for Christmas for the first time in about 15 years. I live 10 minutes from my parents. We were all excited and had plans made. My Mum in particular was very excited. She was stressed too at the thought of having them all there with 7 extra people
in the house (in particular said SIL, as she can be tough work to have around constantly….just different views etc).
This brother and SIL and their kids landed late Saturday night and announced yesterday that they’re actually going away for the few days over Christmas.
My Mum text me last night to say they wouldn’t be around for our Christmas Eve dinner, which I was hosting for everyone. She’s very upset. As am I. I was awake all night thinking of it. I haven’t actually seen them yet as they landed late Saturday night, and we were at a party for my husband’s family yesterday. I’ll be going to my parents house in the next hour or so and feel like letting loose at my DB and SIL.
my SIL doesn’t celebrate Christmas which we respect, bar the presents and the food we don’t celebrate the religious side of it.
Like why come home at Christmas time and then not sit through a bloody family dinner. And make a point of it by booking time away two nights after they land?!!?!?!?

Perhaps they knew your DM felt she was being a nuisance and booked the hotel so they could catch up with friends without causing that nuisance.

My brother was in a relationship like this, the SIL got all the blame. They've split up and my brother is just as bad, different excuses but just as bad.

It’s not unreasonable that the SIL takes precedence for your DB - that’s what’s supposed to happen. What is not reasonable is setting expectations for the rest of the family, then announcing different plans the day before. It makes both your SIL and DB incredibly rude, and of course you should send a message to that effect.

Don’t be daft. You can’t expect the perfect brother to do that and If he did she wouldn’t have anything to to blame the SIL for.

God this thread is sneery. What is te neee to kick op when she is down, suggesting her db mived countries fo get away from her damily etc. Zero evidence and no need for that. I hope you mamage to have s nice time op. I can see why you aee worried about db if he doesn't seem happy about the arrangements, even though he is also to blame

I find the tone here bizarre. We all know that Christmas is freighted with cultural and religious significance for western people. Blowing it off is not a neutral act. Forcing one’s spouse to skip it and ignore his kins’ feelings is a mind-fuck at best.

If you love someone, don’t you want them to have warm, close relationships with their family? And to nurture those bonds for your children?

If I married a man who celebrated Passover, Ramadan, Chinese New Year, etc. I would be honoured to attend celebrations and want my husband to feel connected to family and tradition.

Is sister in law some sort of raging atheist? Who childishly needs to make a point about anything religious to bolster her own identity?

So the SIL wanted to let her MIL know the arrangements but OPs brother said no. The shit communication appears to be squarely his fault.

I think it would be interesting to hear the SILs side of this…

They invariably do.

That's not to say that women are sugar, spice and all things nice and never at fault no matter what they do. But by the same token, women are not the default Bad Person.

I'd have expected Mumsnet, of all www spaces, to acknowledge this obvious, common-sense point, but the misogyny here is as bad as elsewhere.

And if on this occasion SiL is the one whose hill to die on is not staying with her in-laws over the Christmas period, the OP's numerous updates are increasingly revealing why this might be the case.

Thing is think most men just go along with what thriir wife is willing to accept/ put up with

Maybe your brother is not taking ownership in communicating what is happening but leaving it to his wife instead to be the bad cop. It doesn’t change the facts but maybe she is not the one to ‘blame’. My DH doesn’t like to upset the apple cart but I no longer support his abdication or rescue in such matters. Perhaps he needs to be gently guided to accept his responsibilities. Hopefully a way can be found for your Mum to have some time with him whilst he’s visiting.

I’d have been delighted if I found out I had less people to cook for and didn’t have to sit through a meal with someone I didn’t like, so yes, YABU.

Big fat no to this, time to stop vilifying the wives rather than holding the sons/brothers accountable

You’re assuming this short break is down to your SIL. It may well be your brother’s idea, or they are both keen to do/see something/someone else whilst they are in the country.

Too many MN posters automatically blame the MIL, or SI, for decisions they are unhappy about, as it can’t possibly be down to their darling male relative 🙄

@Upsetorjustpregnant where are her family in her life??? is she also from the same country as your brother??

Your brother should have at least said they would not be there for Christmas, so that no one expected them to be around for anything. I'd definitely be having words with him about that, at the very least!

OK, I have back read now and see the later comments. I did try to delete my comment, but this site is ridiculous and doesn't allow you to delete your own comment 😑😑😑

Maybe the few days away during Christmas is her compromise for traveling to visit his extended family. Do DB, SIL and kids ever celebrate Christmas as a family? If not, the time away could be as much for the kids’ benefit as for SIL’s. Do your parents actually have enough bedrooms for them? Maybe they have picked up on how stressed your mom gets over them leaving the breakfast dishes or lingering too long at the table and this way, everyone can be comfortable.

It was wrong of DB not to inform everyone of their plans in advance. OP and her family should also have shared their plans with DB and confirmed that his family wanted to participate, especially knowing SIL doesn’t celebrate. Hopefully they can all communicate better now that DB and family are in town and arrange to visit. Along those lines, did anyone ask them if they wanted to come to the family dinner? They may still come from the AirBnB if they are asked.

It's thoughtless, but the only thing they did wrong in my book is not giving you enough notice. Say to them that the family dinner had been planned and bought for long before they arrived so it should have been common courtesy to let you know their plans, so you could plan accordingly.
It sounds to me like cowardice- members my family often do this , avoid a gathering by planning something else, which is fine, but not letting the organisers know until the last minute, because they don't want a confrontation, which is not.

Very wrong of DB not to have communicated their plans to your DM/DF. You know SIL better than we do so if your gut is telling you that something is amiss then communication must stay open and there is no 'nuclear' reactions.

It wouldn't be so bad if they'd gone to a hotel to have freedom of movement and not be under your parents feet ALL the time (I'd understand that) but from what I'm getting from your posts, is that they are going to a hotel for 3 days and not seeing any of you at all?! That is just bloody weird. 😳 I would have to try and have a quiet word with DB, or together with the other DB to understand situation more.

Your DB knew it would upset your parents but didn't have the balls to open up dialogue prior to the actual event. Confidence issues? Scared of his wife?

Apologies if said elsewhere, but to me it sounds like something has happened since they arrived to create this situation. Maybe approach brother on that basis and straight out ask if offence has been given?

Your DB knew it would upset your parents but didn't have the balls to open up dialogue prior to the actual event. Confidence issues? Scared of his wife?

Not that scared since it was his wife who wanted to tell his parents earlier and he said no.

This. ASSUME makes an ASS of U and ME. If the family get-together was planned and agreed in advance, it is incredible thoughtless of DB and SIL to bail out and make their own plans at the last minute. If it was assumed they would be there without any prior discussion, the fault is with the other family members.

P.S. Is there somewhere on this site which gives definitions for the common acronyms used here? Some of them I haven't managed to guess what they stand for.

I'm sure I am unable to speak for 'most men'.

On the contrary-as said above- she apparently wanted to let everyone know, he said no..indicates maybe he expected a certain level of reaction that he didn't want to have to deal with. And maybe with justification - we have no idea what family history there may be here that he wants to avoid.

My SIL was always pulling stunts like this. It came across like a massive power struggle on her part, always destabilising plans at the last minute.

After a few years, I had a bit too much to drink and went mental at her. It impaired our already awkward family gatherings even more.

I realised that adding toxic behaviour on top of hers made it worse not better. Plus I ended up being the bad guy in everyone's eyes. Not worth it.

Hold your cool. Accept that she's behaved badly this time and made a mistake. Enjoy the time with the rest of your family.

It's hard, and I totally remember how let down we always felt - they ruined every family occasion for years until the rest of us learned to expect abd ignore their weird machinations and last minute manoeuvres.

It helped when I acknowledged that she might be just a tiny bit bonkers. On a serious note, she may have had an eating disorder and these are very controlling mental illnesses. Is there even a tiny possibility that your SIL has one? It helped me accept the behaviour when I chalked it down to some inner anxiety that we weren't aware of.