To go nuclear on my DB and SIL

[Upsetorjustpregnant]

Aghhh!!! Where do I start???
My two brothers and their families are home from abroad for Christmas for the first time in about 15 years. I live 10 minutes from my parents. We were all excited and had plans made. My Mum in particular was very excited. She was stressed too at the thought of having them all there with 7 extra people
in the house (in particular said SIL, as she can be tough work to have around constantly….just different views etc).
This brother and SIL and their kids landed late Saturday night and announced yesterday that they’re actually going away for the few days over Christmas.
My Mum text me last night to say they wouldn’t be around for our Christmas Eve dinner, which I was hosting for everyone. She’s very upset. As am I. I was awake all night thinking of it. I haven’t actually seen them yet as they landed late Saturday night, and we were at a party for my husband’s family yesterday. I’ll be going to my parents house in the next hour or so and feel like letting loose at my DB and SIL.
my SIL doesn’t celebrate Christmas which we respect, bar the presents and the food we don’t celebrate the religious side of it.
Like why come home at Christmas time and then not sit through a bloody family dinner. And make a point of it by booking time away two nights after they land?!!?!?!?

If they are staying in the mother's home, it behooves them to have Christmas with her.

Who the fuck shows up for a rare visit at Christmas time, lodging with their mother, but skips out on actual Christmas Day??

If they want freedom from consideration for others, let them pay for a hotel.

I wouldn’t give them my energy. Instead focus on loving your mum who I expect will be disappointed too.

YANBU for being upset, but going nuclear won’t achieve anything.

I think you just need to find out their plans at this stage and if necessary rejig a few things. Yes, it’s annoying they didn’t mention this at the time they said they were coming to stay but you don’t want the visit marred by arguments as that’ll upset your mum more.

They aren’t going to change their plans at this stage.

If you're the type of family to 'go nuclear', that might be the problem!

I live a road and when I come back EVERYONE wants to see us. Friends and family. Its also taking up their holiday time. So they do actually want some time out to have a 'holiday' its absolutely exhausing tbh.
Cut them some slack

It’s fair enough to want to have a conversation with your DB about this but you should do it in calmly, in private, away from your DM in order to protect her from any further stress or upset. Going nuclear is not going to help, probably won’t change anything and you’ll simply create more stress and tension for everyone, including yourself.

You don’t know exactly why they are going away and you don’t know that SIL is the instigator of this situation. So don’t go shouting about her when you have no evidence. You sound like you really dislike her. Cut her some slack: she might be going through something that means she’s not up for a pressured family gathering. Or it might be that your DB is aware of your feelings about her and is protecting her from having to deal with it.

I agree that it’s odd/unusual that they are going away but as many people have said already, it doesn’t sound like you had an actual discussion about plans. Instead it’s been a lot of assumptions. I understand why you have made them but given that you don’t sound like a close family it might have been better to have made them aware of your plans.

Are they staying with your mum ? If yes, it’s very rude and they should have communicated very clearly that they are just stopping at hers but not staying for Christmas.
if they were not staying with your mum it could be both assumptions and communication issues. If your bother was not a chatty person he probably told very little and in excitement it resulted in misunderstanding.
However no matter where they were staying you should have invited them to your party on Christmas Eve directly so if you didn’t - it’s on you.

I also suspect that sil has engineered this...just because it seems there's no real reason for your brother to avoid Christmas with his family. You were looking forward to seeing him and spending time together.

Yes it's disappointing and aggravating. Do try not to let it eat you up too much. It's not worth a cloud over Christmas. I do feel sorry for your mum and would endeavour to cheer her up.

Happy wife Happy life

Wild how it's always the DIL/SIL that's the problem in these types of issues.

The poor men. God forbid they take their partners feelings, wants and needs in to account. Or, actually - just their own.

As someone who is currently the 'bad guy' in a Christmas situation I'm pleased to say that the shittiness from the IL is bringing us closer together, and moving them further and further away from getting what they are used to in future - that being their own way.

Nothing wrong with a conversation to clarify the misunderstanding and hurt, but I don't think going in all guns blazing is the way to go.

Who the fuck shows up for a rare visit at Christmas time, lodging with their mother, but skips out on actual Christmas Day??

This, in one.

Will they be away for both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day? Or are they just missing your Christmas Eve party? Did you actually invite them to it or just assume you could make plans for them?

Your SIL is probably aware of how hostile you are towards her and could be trying to avoid that. I'd certainly be trying to escape seeing someone who thinks in terms of 'going nuclear' and 'letting loose'.

Honestly? If she's hard work, count your blessings you won't have to deal with her. Have a quiet word with your DB about upsetting your mum - can he apologise and take her out another time? - and then focus on having a nice Christmas with the people who are there. It's rude and inconsiderate to use your mum's as a lodgings and to be skipping Christmas with (presumably) no notice but there are so many other things to stress about.

This

Maybe because she doesn’t feel welcome? I mean it doesn’t exactly sound like any of you like her from the comments you make about her in your post. I’ve been made to feel unwelcome by in-laws before with all the petty little towards me and my family. I’m not saying this is definitely the case here obviously. If it isn’t then try not to waste to much energy stewing over it and make the best of it that you can.

You'll have lots of people on here tell you that how they spend Xmas is up to them etc and whilst true, in the real world where families actually love each other this is very hurtful. I would 100% be telling my brother that mum and I are upset that they don't want to spend Xmas with us when they're back in the country.

If the B and SIL are coping with some difficult situation requiring privacy it's a very unusual moment to arrange to come and see people who will be expecting, quite naturally, some socialising/interaction, esp given the time of year.

So that's just bollocks, tbh.

The "It's their Christmas, they can do what they like" whilst decamping in someone's home crowd is also unreasonable and bizarre. Who SERIOUSLY does that shit?

They didn't give any thought to your parents' needs whatsoever, it's all about what works for them.

Don't demonsize the SIL though, it could easily be DB however hard(er) that may be to process, for whatever reason.

Take him aside privately and tell him you're all disappointed and puzzled about not spending the holiday together, at least one of the days and ask him what he's playing at.

That's absurd behaviour. If you live overseas and you and your family go to stay with your mother for a while over Christmas, you'd be staying for the Christmas festivities too and if you weren't you'd discuss that up front. To announce late in the day that you are heading elsewhere is beyond rude. It is actually cruel. Your poor mother.

(BUT- don't just blame your SIL. Your brother is at fault here too, possibly more so as he no doubt knows how important this would be to you and your mother.)

Sounds like there has been poor communication to me on both sides. Unless they have really changed plans last minute when people have already bought food, then they are being unreasonable.

Your SIL most likely knows you don’t like her. Your DB most likely knows this too. Maybe they don’t want to spend their Christmas around people who clearly don’t want her there.

This site is funny at times, if the SIL had posted on here stating that she’s being dragged abroad to spend time with her DH family who she knows dislike her then I’m certain the responses would have been very different…

If they were staying locally and not IN the parents' actual house this would make some sense.

Otherwise it's total nonsense.

DH, the DC, and I lived 5,000 miles away from our families. When we made any kind of visit we sorted out before hand where we were staying, what we were doing, and all the other arrangements.

I am mystified that your DB and his family have travelled over for the first time in 15 years and haven't done the same. Unless they did agree to stay with your mother for Christmas and have just cancelled, which is extremely rude.

They should spend their Christmas however they want to.

And they are going away and staying in a hotel, which is the reason that OP has started a thread and what she’s upset about.

The issue is whether they agreed to spend Xmas day with OP and the mum and that would make them U to cancel plans last minute or if this was their plan all along and OP is BU in thinking that they should spend their Xmas how OP and the mum sees fit.

It's just so weird that with the sm and group chats etc that families have that none of this was discussed. For example 'we'll be over 21st for a week and while we will stay with dm we'll actually be away Christmas eve so maybe a family catch up on the 26th?' Do they think you're all psychic or something.

I'm getting STRONG vibes from OP's failure to answer the question that assumptions have been made and nothing was actually agreed with DB and SIL...