To go nuclear on my DB and SIL

[Upsetorjustpregnant]

Aghhh!!! Where do I start???
My two brothers and their families are home from abroad for Christmas for the first time in about 15 years. I live 10 minutes from my parents. We were all excited and had plans made. My Mum in particular was very excited. She was stressed too at the thought of having them all there with 7 extra people
in the house (in particular said SIL, as she can be tough work to have around constantly….just different views etc).
This brother and SIL and their kids landed late Saturday night and announced yesterday that they’re actually going away for the few days over Christmas.
My Mum text me last night to say they wouldn’t be around for our Christmas Eve dinner, which I was hosting for everyone. She’s very upset. As am I. I was awake all night thinking of it. I haven’t actually seen them yet as they landed late Saturday night, and we were at a party for my husband’s family yesterday. I’ll be going to my parents house in the next hour or so and feel like letting loose at my DB and SIL.
my SIL doesn’t celebrate Christmas which we respect, bar the presents and the food we don’t celebrate the religious side of it.
Like why come home at Christmas time and then not sit through a bloody family dinner. And make a point of it by booking time away two nights after they land?!!?!?!?

So we're any of the plans actually communicated to the people concerned or was there a lot of assumptions going on?

This is my question too.

If your SIL is being dragged abroad for the duration, why can't she spend a few days doing what she wants to do, OP? The important thing is that you'll see everyone - does it matter what day it is? So you see them on 28th not 25th - big deal! Just enjoy the visit because, if you make a fuss, then the chances are they won't bother coming over again.

Did you talk to your brother beforehand and invite him to your dinner on the 24th - did he accept ? Had you run all the plans before him ?

It sounds like your SIL just wants to escape the fuss of the main Christmas days as she doesn’t celebrate Christmas itself. It’s upsetting for your Mum as parents do like the idea of all the family around the table together - but it often doesn’t end up like that.

Enjoy your dinner with the family that will be there and just say to your DB and DIL, that you’ll miss them and to enjoy their few days.

I’m a bit confused OP. Are your brother and sister and law staying at your parents house, or elsewhere? Does your SIL also have family and friends in the UK? What about the second brother? Is he married too? Is he coming to dinner?

You have no idea what they may be dealing with privately. There may be serious physical or mental health issues occurring with them or someone they know.

Just be friendly and welcome them if they visit and stop just making it all about you.

Did you or your mum actually invite them to dinner at yours on Christmas Eve and then at hers for Christmas Day? Or did you just assume they'd fall in with your plans regardless of what they wanted? Yes, they've travelled to see you all but if SIL doesn't celebrate Christmas – on religious grounds, presumably – then you really should have checked. If you did and they've changed their minds at the 11th, then they are being U and you should say something to your DB.

Had these dinners and plans been confirmed with BIL/SIL?

If they had, and they subsequently chose to just make other arrangements with no prior discussion then yes I agree that's hurtful and rude.

However, if it was just expected that they'd be attending and nobody confirmed these plans with them or simply "told" them how their time would be filled, then I think they've every right to make their own arrangements while they're home.

This, have all of these plans that have been made been properly discussed with your DB and SIL or have you and your mum assumed they’d all go along with all of the plans you’ve made on their behalf.

If you’ve spoken to them directly and invited them for Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas Day and they knew food would be planned and ordered etc then I’d be livid, if you’ve assumed that since they’re here they will slot in with all your plans without discussing it with them then that’s bad communication on all sides.

Too many assumptions very few questions .
Also, don’t understand why OP’s SIL
is getting the blame. It is up to OP’s brother to relay information to his family

Apologies for any cross-posting...Did they give any idea of the plans that they had in mind whilst in they were in the UK beforehand? i.e. "we will be spending Xmas Eve/Xmas Day/Boxing Day with DM, but want to visit other parts of country on x, y and z days?". If it is a last minute change of plans, then that isn't fair (as you and your DM would have planned/catered for hosting them). Also quite rude to bail out last minute (unless there's illness or flight delays).

A lot/most of my family live overseas, but they do give very clear plans on their planned itineraries when coming to UK. i.e. "we arrive on this day, planning a trip to Scotland on x-y dates, back home for a-b dates and then off to France/Germany for j-k dates." Of course, I'd love to see them every day, but very aware that they would like to tie in sight seeing and holidaying along with seeing family. I also work FT (as do they) so Annual Leave Days are limited and it is not always possible to take time off/see them everyday :) Same as when I go to see them. So we just try to fit in with each other: I let them know when I have days off from work, and I make sure me/DC are free to see them. They let me know when they're in the country/where they're staying/what their plans are and we fit in with each other.

YANBU to feel annoyed if it's a sudden last minute change from original plan. I would have a quiet word with your DBs about how upset your DM is feeling.

If you guys had made plans without talking them through, then it's not fair to be cross with them.

Going away where? I’m imaging it’s flew in from e.g. Australia or Hong Kong, and then they’re going away to someone else in Europe (France/Scotland) type of thing. I think that makes a lot of sense for them, if they’re visiting from a different continent. It’s not like they can easily make that trip another time.

I also suspect that if DB and wife had agreed to come to this dinner then that detail would probably be shared in the OP? So guessing this has all been launched on them last minute (or perhaps just assumed they would come to all these plans, rather than ask)?

Can't they come round on another day over the Christmas period? Sounds like there's too many ppl on the actual day anyway so might be less stressful to spread family visits out.

I can understand why they may want a few days and that your SIL may not relish Christmas with the in-laws, but they should have been clearer.

I actually think this is a scenario where assuming their plans was perfectly reasonable. Coming home at Christmas and staying with your mum - sure they might be catching up with friends on other days but assuming they're coming to Christmas dinner is fair enough.

I don't think there's any point in blowing up, but I also think it would be reasonable to point out to your brother that your mum is very upset and that he's ballsed this one up.

Is it possible that your DB didn't want to stress mum out too much so booked a few days away ? It just seems like no one talked to each other here

Everyone is saying they didn’t say they would be there for Christmas and OP and her mum ASSUMED they would be, well of course they did. Who wouldn’t.

” Hey mum, guess what we’re coming to England for Christmas!, ok to stay with you ? Should be great “ etc etc

who wouldn’t “assume” that they would spend Christmas with the family.

my son and DIL are coming Christmas Eve going home day after Boxing Day, I haven’t said “ are you here Christmas Day, will you be here Boxing Day when your siblings come “ I’ve assumed, because of course they will, that’s why they are coming for Christmas. If they had said: “ hey mum, can we come to yours for a few days but we will be seeing DIL family for dinner Christmas Day” that’s different

what I’m trying to say is, if you arrange to stay with someone over Christmas. Then it’s only fair to assume they will be with you for Christmas unless they say otherwise when booking.

just imagine if they had turned up Saturday and mum had said “ lovely to see you but I’m not here for Christmas so fend for yourselves “

They sound very rude for not clarifying exactly what their plans were, although it does seem as if you should have sent them a specific email inviting them to the CE dinner and then they would have confirmed or not if they were coming.

You think SIL is difficult (fair enough she probably is) so why would you care? This sounds like a great result.

I would say something, especially as they haven't been home for a long time!

Were they aware of what you had planned? If they were, then this is very rude. I wouldn't go mental but I would let them know you're a bit put out and it would have been nicer to be told sooner - Christmas takes a lot of planning

That’s just weird though, unless they have had a terminal falling out.

i can see why you’re upset OP, it’s natural to assume they were coming to see you for Christmas. Why doesn’t SIL celebrate it?

Talk to them and find out their reasons/ what had been communicated beforehand. Could it be that this was always the plan but your brothers were not good at being specific? Maybe they know their kids won’t cope? Maybe the SIL just doesn’t appreciate the significance.

At the end of the day Christmas Day/ Eve are just 2 days- if you wanted to you could do an early Christmas with them. I can see why you’re put out but honestly I’d just try to enjoy the time you do have and put it behind me.

Would your Mum rather they didn't come at all, if they can't go to the family dinner? If it was my DC and GC, I wouldn't mind. I'd be happy to see them at all. As said it also depends on were they have booked to go. Christmas eve/day tends to be cheaper. If it a theme park package etc for the children, or even a city break, it makes sense while they are here. Have you posted about her before? It's obvious that you clash, so why would they want to be in your company? You don't have the right to go nuclear on other adults, who just aren't doing what you want.