To go nuclear on my DB and SIL

[Upsetorjustpregnant]

Aghhh!!! Where do I start???
My two brothers and their families are home from abroad for Christmas for the first time in about 15 years. I live 10 minutes from my parents. We were all excited and had plans made. My Mum in particular was very excited. She was stressed too at the thought of having them all there with 7 extra people
in the house (in particular said SIL, as she can be tough work to have around constantly….just different views etc).
This brother and SIL and their kids landed late Saturday night and announced yesterday that they’re actually going away for the few days over Christmas.
My Mum text me last night to say they wouldn’t be around for our Christmas Eve dinner, which I was hosting for everyone. She’s very upset. As am I. I was awake all night thinking of it. I haven’t actually seen them yet as they landed late Saturday night, and we were at a party for my husband’s family yesterday. I’ll be going to my parents house in the next hour or so and feel like letting loose at my DB and SIL.
my SIL doesn’t celebrate Christmas which we respect, bar the presents and the food we don’t celebrate the religious side of it.
Like why come home at Christmas time and then not sit through a bloody family dinner. And make a point of it by booking time away two nights after they land?!!?!?!?

You sound quite controlling. You all made plans for what they would do without checking with them. You assumed being home meant they would fit in with what you decided.
Did anyone ask what they had planned, what they would like to do?
I've been the dil at Xmas events where no one tells me the plan, I'd no idea when where the next meal was. If I so much as went for a walk it was met with cats bum faces. They expected presence the entire time. 10 min breather in our bedroom was seen as incredibly insulting. The house would be filled with people getting steadily drunker and then ruder and snide, nasty things were said by mil to my aunt with her side of the family smirking. It was miserable and toxic.
I'm on your brother and dil side. They've opted out of the plans you have made without involving them. Perhaps neither of them enjoy big gatherings.
Maybe they'd enjoy and cherish 1:1 time with you. Don't go nuclear - reflect and have a rethink.

My neighbours son and family fly in from Australia. They spend a couple of days with the parents then go on a whirlwind tourist tour all over the UK. They return for the last day before heading home.

I’m always amazed at the number of people that think it’s entirely reasonable to do whatever the hell you want without any consideration to anyone else.

Of course it’s reasonable to assume if you are hosting people over the Christmas period that they will be there of Christmas Day. It’s absolutely rude to announce alternative plans on arrival.

Talk to your brother. Explain the hurt he has caused by his lack of consideration to his Mum. Don’t pin this on his wife. This is him visiting his family, he needs to show some communication skills and empathy.

It's thoughtless and that would be hurtful to me however your brother has a voice too. Presumably he's not that much of a wet wipe that he couldnt have intervened if he wanted to spend the day with you? If he wanted to spend the day with you he would. I would have a chat about it and ask what was the point of coming over at Christmas to actively not spend Christmas with you all?

Where does OP even say any of that?!

Why choose to believe it is all SIL’s doing when it could easily be on DB making this choice?

SIL could also just be there because it would be rude for her not to.

SIL doesn’t read like she would win with OP.

She doesn’t celebrate Christmas but if she didn’t join in with her in-laws it would likely be considered rude, have to accept gifts to not be rude, but if she said no to gifts it would likely also be considered rude because it is “Christmas”.

Bit ridiculous it is always on the SIL in these cases with little to no evidence that she is planning or behind anything nor that OP actually talks to her much in the first place.

Chance could also be DB could find his family exhausting and notice OP’s attitude towards his wife and decided to split up the trip a bit and rather ask forgiveness after the fact.

Not sure why posters like OP don’t put their negative energy on their own blood family that they grew up with than the person who married in.

But they didn't announce it at the last minute, when presumably a lot of effort abd money has been spent by family.

@phoenixrosehere I think that poster has posted on the wrong thread. The reply seems to relate to a post where the SIL takes all the leftovers!

IMO it was cruel to let your mum get all excited - and then to reveal at the last minute that they wouldn’t be attending the family event she’d been so looking forward to.

Why would you have to ask your children that are flying home to stay in your home over Christmas if they are going to be there for the family meals and festivities? Surely the onus is on them to say 'mum we will fly home the 21st then on the 23rd we go to X, back to your the whenever'? And do it well in advance of the trip

Ah. Haven’t seen that thread. That’s just weird.

Bollocks does the OP sound controlling. And wtf does your situation have to do with anything?

If you come to stay with people over Christmas it is normal to expect to be included in the festivities. Can you imagine the reverse? They arrive to stay w MiL and she tells them she has plans for Christmas Day/Boxing Day and they're not included.

So basically they are just using your mum's home as a free place to stay? Coming and going as though they are at a hotel?

If my family were flying in from abroad over the Christmas period and staying with me I would assume that they were there to spend Christmas here and plan meals and events around their visit. If they weren’t going to stay for the Christmas period they should have told their family so planning and shopping could be done accordingly. It’s extremely rude not to do so and I can imagine being very upset if it were me. I would say something to DB about how hurt you and your mum are, OP.

I would.

How fucking rude of them to make plans with you and then decide to do something else? This close when you have likely already made all the plans, bought all the food etc.?

Horrendous behaviour by your brother.

I'd most definitely have to say something!!!

Christmas for most people is a cultural occasion, not a religious one, centred around the family. Perhaps your SiL doesn’t yet understand, but your DB should and it clearly doesn’t matter to him.

What are the "different views" your SIL has?

It's not one of those where your mum is a racist is it, and therefore she doesn't want to spend time with her?

'Isn't it funny, DB and DSIL, our DM was so looking forward to spending Christmas Day with you both as you've travelled so far? Whereas I was sure you'd rather than spend Christmas anywhere than with your DM and family so was expecting you would arrange things to be away and spend Christmas with strangers rather than your own family. I'd rather have been wrong and have DM happy rather than heartbroken but there we are. Any point arranging to see you before you fly or will you have a last minute change to scupper plans?'

Had plans been communicated beforehand? Is SIL different culture as doesn’t celebrate Christmas? How long are they staying for?

Some strange opinions here especially when you’re accused of being controlling and that you’ve made the wrong assumptions because they didn’t expressly confirm joining in.

@Upsetorjustpregnant Your brother and SIL are both rude and inconsiderate for not stating their plans in advance. It’s simple manners to let hosts know if you won’t be around for whatever reason.

If you’d all assumed they wouldn’t be staying or attending any family get together and so hadn’t catered for them, what would the same people have said then? You’d have been absolutely slated.

This. Did anyone actually confirm plans with the DB and SIL or just assume they would do what you have planned?

Surely in situations like this (and possibly the OP's.) there MUST be a reason.

Probably they just keep it to themselves so as not to rock the apple cart.

I agree the OP's dh and SIL have been extremely rude to cancel last minute, maybe they've been rowing about it?

Did they say they were definitely coming to yours/your mums for Xmas dinner?

If so, I would have a word with them about changing their plans last minute after you had bought extra food etc.

But if it was never even a conversation and you just assumed they had no other plans then you can’t say anything, as you don’t get to decide how they spend their Xmas.

VoodooRajin · Today 09:00

I wonder if that's the wifes doing

Well that didn’t take long.
This man presumably has a mind of his own.