Would your children prefer it if you didn't work?

[DonaldGumbo]

this is not a benefit bashing thread

As I am rushing around, trying to do two more days at work, buy last minute presents, food shop, tidy the house for guests etc, a thought came to me.
I know a couple. Neither work due to various reasons. They have a very different life to me (they hardly do anything which costs any money). They have one child. Don't drive.
Their Christmas looks so chilled. No rushing. No big events. No trying to get to shops or carol services or ice skating. Just time with each other. No stressed mum barking at them.
Which made me think? If we asked our DC's would they choose their current way of life or more time with both parents? Imagine having both mum and dad pick you up and what a lovely relationship you could have with your children to both see them every day from half past three with no distractions. Would it be better for their mental health? Would it mean less relationship breakdown?
I am a single parent so this life would be very hard for me to achieve; but I think if I asked my kids would you give up our house, holidays, extracurricular activities, toys, devices, subscriptions etc to have me there every day and be less distracted, they would say yes!
I know I could cut my hours but it's not the same. My work is relentless and I'd end up doing it anyway and not getting paid.

I don't work, but DH does and no doubt its not as stressful as it could be if we both worked. I prep dinner during most school days and study part time too. I have 4dc though so I felt its best one of us is around at home. Ages 17 down to 7.

@Vettrianofan so would your DH give up work for you to be less stressed?

I was a SAHM for 10 years and even now mine are all teenagers they don't like the days I have to go to the office as they find it stressful! I don't know what that tells you though, most people have to work to pay the bills.

My mum didn't return to work until we were teenagers. I was always a bit embarrassed that she didn't work. I've said this on mn before and been told what a dreadful human I was, but I genuinely found it weird that other mums had a job and mine just cleaned the house all day. She was a much happier mum when she went back to work.

No mine would not prefer that. We both work, but there are two of us to share the load, so there is no stress, no rushing about. We like doing things at the weekend, so sitting at home wouldn’t suit us. We like going on holidays, the security of owning our house, contributing to our pensions. We like our jobs and the satisfaction they give us. Working affords us the luxury of quality time together stress and hassle free so we would definitely not want to give that up.

@northernballer I'm sort of wondering about the unique situation where both parents don't work, and take the necessary cut in terms of income and quality of life. Surviving on less than 2k per month for a family. Would your children think it was worth it?

Nope, we need some form of income unfortunately. I have health issues so we can't swap around.

Genuinely, I think they’d want whatever it is they don’t currently have. SAHP with a fairly simple, frugal life? They’ll wish there was more money for stuff, less supervision and more freedom.
Parent working full time? They’ll want that parent at home more and claim they don’t care about stuff.
It will also change as they get older, little ones want and need more from parents, bigger ones need a bit less and want even less than that.
Basically we can’t win, so let’s settle for whatever feels right most of the time!

I doubt it, they would lose their home, their regular hobbies would end, their regular day trips would end, their holidays abroad and likely at home would end too, the amount and quality of their food would decrease. Working doesn’r have to mean stress, not picking your children up from school, or not being with your children from school finishing.

What's the source of £2k if neither work?

Can you find a well paid part time job that you wouldn't end up working for free? There are many parents who are struggling because they don't work or are in poorly paid part time work. Your Christmas stress with big events, ice skating etc. Do you really need to do those things? If you think your children would rather you not work then those expensive things would disappear anyway.

Surely there would be stress associated with lack of money? I think not having enough money would be more stressful than a 9-5.

Yep! I for a longtime had a food budget of £12 per week, the stress of choosing to force that life on a child wouldn’t be sustainable, nevermind the guilt of doing it to them.

@Simonjt but on the whole working parents do look more frazzled, and one parent has to miss at least some pick up and drop offs usually. I don't know many parents where both work full time and yet both turn up at 3.15 and can freely go to the park together.

Yes in theory they would prefer it if I didn't work.

But they can't have their cake and eat it.

I made it very clear what would have to change if I didn't work And we had one income. A smaller house and limited holidays and outings.

They therefore understand why I work.

No I don't they ever would have. They loved holiday club, then as older kids loved being home alone some days. It's given them a work ethic and a sense of achieving . They understand and do help out at home.
There was a never a stressful morning as they knew what needed to be done. I also treated them out of all my bonuses and I used to say I couldn't do it without them being good and helping me and even now they remember how thrilled they were getting a bit of money for helping mummy at work

Two parents that don't work, always home with each other and no money to do anything exciting....I bet they're all bored to tears!

Life must be very busy for you as a single parent and I'm sure it would be great for you and your kids to have more time together but you are also teaching your kids what resilience and hard work and achievement look like. What are those other parents teaching their kids? Social anxiety?

my sisters & I loved it that our mum worked. It meant when we got in from school we were left to our own devices for an hour before our dad got home. No one saying to us (as we saw our friends mums doing to them) “hang your coat up/put your shoes away/have you got homework?”

expectation was we cleaned up downstairs before mum got home.

I know from talking to her as an adult that she did find trying to fit everything in difficult because she worked in retail so Christmas was always insane. However equally we lived near our families/friends & there was no expectation to go rushing here & there to see the Christmas lights or go to shows or concerts. We couldn’t afford them. My mum has always been adamant that not working was never an option partly necessity but even when it wasn’t, by choice.

Your teenagers find it 'stressful' in what way?
What happens if you shopping? Does that stress them or do they go with you?
What about school? Do you have to sit in class with them?
I don't know any of my peers who worked had to worry about leaving the house in case their teenaged children were damaged

Theoretically, yes but practically, no once they realised my work pays for every holiday, item they wear, any new kit they have, every downloaded game, every outrageously priced school trip. Etc etc.

Once they hit secondary the stress reduces significantly as there's way less activities or at least ones that need parental support.

I'm not sure that children are able to understand the question and its implications fully.

E.g. a 5 year old doesn't understand what having a house deposit in 20 years time would mean to them.

But I did talk to my kids last year when a job share - unusual for my level - came up. So going down from 4 days a week work to 3. Their take was that they would only be keen on me taking it if they didn't "miss out on after school club that day" 😂

I think also that what stresses you out depends on you. I personally would be more not less stressed if I spent all my time with my kids/doing housework. I find it energising to have more to do. I don't feel rushed.

@DonaldGumbo where do they get money then ?? I know a few incredibly privileged people who don’t have to work as their money came from family..
Me and my dh will never have that luxury. It’s far harder to work than be at home ( I’m specifically talking about when kids are in school as when someone has babies /toddlers at home it’s not easy ). I have one morning off at home but with 3 dcs I have tons to do , I can’t imagine how amazing it would be to have everyday off when kids in school. However my job is v interesting and dynamic and my kids actually ask me about it a lot . With wfh my dh can pick up the kids but honestly both working is exhausting and v much a juggle (we have no family support). However if I didn’t we’d have way less money to pay for things like clothes , food etc , I also have school holidays off which is amazing but then again also very busy as have to catch up on house stuff.
I think you can’t compare your situation op , you have more than one child , completely different to having just one and you are a single parent, I’m sure your dcs appreciate a roof over their heads, you are doing your best .

I work school hours (TA) so it doesn’t affect my kids too much but before I had this job I volunteered at their school and they miss that. They also miss me being at every school event. What they also probably don’t know or don’t think about is that I’m so much less patient with them when it’s been a really tough day at work. So yes they would probably rather I didn’t work, but as others have said they do like the benefits of the salary.

Did you not read what they posted? £12 a week on food for an extended period of time with children! If she had £100 a week for food I am sure she can cope with an after school club ?

This is a fairly stress free home, we can both do as many or as few picks ups as needed, although our son has decided he is far too cool and grown up for us to walk him home. As someone who lived somewhere with high rates of poverty and unemployment, in my experience it wasn’t the two income families who were stressed, it was the ones who couldn’t find money for a new pair of shoes, for the gas meter in winter, for the trip everyone else was going on, for a new washing machine when theirs broke. It was the ones like my family who were flat sharing and stressed about being able to buy both food and electricity to cook that food, who were hand washing clothes but couldn’t dry them as it was too cold and the clothes were too wet from being hand wrung.