Would your children prefer it if you didn't work?

[DonaldGumbo]

this is not a benefit bashing thread

As I am rushing around, trying to do two more days at work, buy last minute presents, food shop, tidy the house for guests etc, a thought came to me.
I know a couple. Neither work due to various reasons. They have a very different life to me (they hardly do anything which costs any money). They have one child. Don't drive.
Their Christmas looks so chilled. No rushing. No big events. No trying to get to shops or carol services or ice skating. Just time with each other. No stressed mum barking at them.
Which made me think? If we asked our DC's would they choose their current way of life or more time with both parents? Imagine having both mum and dad pick you up and what a lovely relationship you could have with your children to both see them every day from half past three with no distractions. Would it be better for their mental health? Would it mean less relationship breakdown?
I am a single parent so this life would be very hard for me to achieve; but I think if I asked my kids would you give up our house, holidays, extracurricular activities, toys, devices, subscriptions etc to have me there every day and be less distracted, they would say yes!
I know I could cut my hours but it's not the same. My work is relentless and I'd end up doing it anyway and not getting paid.

My mum was the same - she didn’t go back to full-time work until my youngest sibling was 16 (not entirely out of choice, as various circumstances made it make sense for her to be at home). I really appreciated her being at home with us when we were at primary school, but once we were at secondary school I felt a bit sorry for her as I think she was quite bored and lonely. She was much happier and more confident when she went back to work.

Nowadays, I imagine she’d have got a wfh job when we were much younger (before having children she’d worked in a field that nowadays would be very amenable to home working). I feel very lucky to be able to wfh full time and do school pickups etc while also having a career, and she often comments wistfully on how much better that arrangement is for parents and carers.

Younger children woukd have, but teens, no way..

My mum was a SAHP when I was growing up. She was bored and unfulfilled and my parents were often worried about money. I always wished that she would get a job but she had lost her confidence and couldn't face it.

I wouldn't ask. Life isn't all about the kids, they are a priority but I'm important too. I have never wanted to be a sahm. I am self employed, work between 12-20 hours a week. We work around each other so there is always a parent doing school pick ups, drop offs and physically present when they come home. As far as I'm concerned they get the best of both worlds and we have the money for holidays and treats like softplay, cinema, I'm fulfilled too, have a pension pot and my own money.

My mum was a sahm and got a job when my youngest sister started college. She finally found independence for herself and I am proud of her.

Both my parents worked full-time and if you'd asked me as a child, I would have said I wished they didn't. I spent a lot of time in childcare and was incredibly envious of all my friends who had a stay at home parent.

As an adult, I can see that my mum loved her job and would have been miserable at home full-time. She didn't need to work financially as my dad was a very high earner, but she needed it for her mental health and happiness.

Children may prefer lots of things but luckily they don't get to decide.

@KnitFastDieWarm

My mum was the same - she didn’t go back to full-time work until my youngest sibling was 16 (not entirely out of choice, as various circumstances made it make sense for her to be at home). I really appreciated her being at home with us when we were at primary school, but once we were at secondary school I felt a bit sorry for her as I think she was quite bored and lonely. She was much happier and more confident when she went back to work.

My mum basically never went back to work and she was unbelievably bored and lonely when we were at secondary school. I wouldn't say I felt sorry for her exactly but I felt a very tangible sense of how frustrated she was and to be honest I was very keen to make sure I didn't live her life. I knew from a very young age that I would be miserable as a SAHM.

It may be true that very small children prefer their parents to be at home, debatable: I think it depends on other factors such as how much they enjoy being with their childminders etc. But net/net I don't think it's worth it. At best it's probably 2-3 years of a child's life where that really counts and the damage that does to the career prospects and the earning potential of the parent at home is disproportionately huge: many women who spend more than a couple of years at home basically never get their careers back. And being a SAHP to school age children or beyond is really not necessary so ultimately that early sacrifice isn't worth it.

I'm a sahm and in recent years I've asked my kids how they'd feel about me going back to work and they really didn't like the idea at all and listed a hundred reasons why. They didn't want to take the school bus to school, didn't want to eat school food for lunch, didn't want to go to after school club, didn't want to miss all their after school activities, didn't want to miss me terribly... makes me feel appreciated I guess.

but on the whole working parents do look more frazzled, and one parent has to miss at least some pick up and drop offs usually. I don't know many parents where both work full time and yet both turn up at 3.15 and can freely go to the park together

That makes no sense. Why would children need/want both parents to drop them off and pick them up? Why would both parents need to go watch them in a park? If DH and I, both, had of not worked, that wouldn’t have happened. One would have done the drop off/pick up and the other would have surfed the net or watched Netflix, and swap. I get it if one person is disabled and the other has to go along so they could do it done if the time, but other than that flummoxed why it would need 2 people ……..

I work part time so pick DD up from school everyday and both DH and I work from home. We're also generally able to manage holidays etc with work flexibility. So I do think I have the best of both worlds tbh

There is certainly something to be said for living a more simple life, and living happily within your means. But I think your option of not working and children being happy about it is only feasible if the parents are independently wealthy (and I don't mean millionaires, but having a home that is owned outright, sufficient funds to always be able to pay gas/electricity, clothe and feed themselves and their children etc). It is stressful working, but it's also stressful trying to survive in poverty, and you have no safety net if things go wrong, whether that's small things like the boiler breaking, or major things like critical, life-limiting illnesses or death. Children will inevitably pick up on that stress, or they will notice when you are going without food so that they can have dinner etc.

My 4 year old asks me all the time "why do you have to work so much" and that's with me STILL doing all the school runs etc but I often have to carry on working when he gets home. He does say though "is it so you can take me on holiday" or "buy me cars" so he gets the concept that if I didn't work, we wouldn't have nice things!

Whenever I start thinking about going back to work my dc make it known in no uncertain terms how against it they are but it would surely only be a very small child who would 'give up our house, holidays, extracurricular activities, toys, devices, subscriptions etc to have me there every day'. Even a 6 year old would understand the practicalities of giving up their house.

I can afford not to work, but choose to. After a particularly stressful and chaotic period at work, I decided it might be time to stop, and focus on just being Mum. I floated the idea past my daughter, expecting her to think this was an amazing idea. She was not keen, she has the idea of strong work ethics and couldn’t understand what I would do all day! I found the whole conversation both hilarious and enlightening in terms of her viewpoint, and I’m still happily working.

Children may prefer lots of things but luckily they don't get to decide.

Exactly! I find it crazy that people let their children decide whether they work or not!

yes, totally. both have very complex needs, need 24/7 support and cannot be left alone. and I am extremely stressed with working and combining care, appointments, housework etc. I am not a good version of myself. Sadly, being a sahm isn't something I can afford but it was would hugely improve my life and by extension, that of my DC.

I taught very part time until my youngest of 3 was about 10. They definitely liked the days I met them them from school more than the ones where they had to go to my neighbour til I’d finished ( not as infants though as they went to the school I taught at) .
My adult children and wives with children of their own however have always both worked full time after each maternity leave and consider that to be usual practice. Times change
I remember as a child in the 60’s and early 70’s not liking the 2 days my mum worked and I had to retrieve the key under the mat to let myself in once I was at secondary school - although I did enjoy that freedom once I reached 15!

And both of my daughter in laws say they’d hate being at home all day

I think it depends on their friendship group if they have other friends on low income families, or if everyone is on holiday constantly

I’m extremely lucky to WFH with a flexible job, so I can drop and collect from school, help with homework and keep on top of basic household jobs. I think DC would go into shock if I had to go to the office every day!

My mum quit work when my elder sibling was born. She could have returned to work when went to secondary school but in her own words ‘couldn’t be bothered’ with the stress of commuting and trying to run a house. I do think she made the wrong choice. Her world really shrank and now she’s an elderly widow, and very needy for my time, she has no concept of what life is like as a working mother.

When mine were adults, I did ask them if they wished their childhood had of been different in terms of mine/DH work. Basically, being one person not working. They said no, as they felt that both of us would have been a complete nightmare if we didn’t work, and we wouldn’t be mum/dad as that was a major part of our identity. They also added that looking back they had absolutely awesome holidays and experiences they believe was well worth it. They also fed back that they believe it gave them a solid work ethic, and that they were aware that as an adult if they wanted ‘nice things’ it meant work to achieve that.

We did sacrifice a lot though in that we made sure we worked opposite days, shifts until the youngest was around 10/11yo (can’t recall now). It avoided the cost and logistics of external care. That meant we never had 2 parents at home at the same time, or at least while the kids were awake. Or, we did but one was sleeping due to night shifts etc. So, extremely rare that we were ever present together while they were awake for many years. It was also challenging to coordinate leave so we would have a family holiday once every 3 years. Then we would go for 4 weeks and it would be absolutely fantastic as we could throw everything at it. It was shit though to get home from night shift, tag DH out the door for work, stay up all day with toddlers/young kids, get a few hours sleep when he tagged back in the door, just to rinse and repeat day after day for long stretches. Still, I’d do the same again if I had the time over.

I think honestly yes, most pre-teen children would prefer it if a parent picked them up from school, could bring them home, give them attention for the rest of the afternoon, have a meal together etc. Rather than picking them up from after school club, rushing around trying to do homework, make dinner etc. It’s stressful for everyone. Is this possible for most people in today’s world? No, unfortunately.

This "rushing around" trope is always trotted out on these threads but I honestly think this is mainly SAHPs projecting.

People always insist that being at work is "stressful" (see the "frazzled" comment upthread). But in my view not having money or enough to do with your time is far more stressful than having a job. I have found work stressful at specific times but I've never found the idea of work stressful and I'd be far more stressed by being bored and underemployed than I would working. I appreciate everyone is different but I'm not convinced that not working immediately reduces stress.

In the OP you've said

I am a single parent so this life would be very hard for me to achieve; but I think if I asked my kids would you give up our house, holidays, extracurricular activities, toys, devices, subscriptions etc to have me there every day and be less distracted, they would say yes!

Give up their house and live where? And living on a joint income of less than £2000 per month, where would you get this?

If I had a private income, yeah great, but I don't and I can't work out what would happen if I gave up my job. I'd need to be living off someone else, with all the risks associated with that, or the state.

Not working wouldn't even make my top 3 Christmas wishes.

I've just returned to work after being a SAHM for a few years - not a stressful job and on part time hours but my kids have noticed the difference in mom being out the house more and my youngest (2.5) seems a little clingier then normal with the routine change she's gone through. If you asked them I'm sure they would want me home and not going out.

However, this Christmas has been lovely knowing that there is extra money coming in at the end of the month and I've been able to take them out to more treats (theatre, Xmas fairs) and not scrimp as much. It's easy to feel guilty, it's harder to cultivate the confidence to step back and know you're making adult, longer term decisions. I think a lot of parenting philosophy these days is about chasing the feelings of children when they can't understand adult life.

The other family's Christmas may look lovely and chilled but they also could be feeling frustrated and bored. It's easy to project and assume they're having a great time and it will feel way more stressful if your doing all the costs and logistics as a single parent. I hope you get your lovey family moments this Xmas, however they arrive!

More that they don't get a lift to a school.so have to navigate their own way and the whole day is longer, then they sort themselves out later and get the bus/tube/train to whatever they're doing. Plus sort the housework out and walk the dog.

They're not stressed, just a bit lazy I guess 😅