Would your children prefer it if you didn't work?

[DonaldGumbo]

this is not a benefit bashing thread

As I am rushing around, trying to do two more days at work, buy last minute presents, food shop, tidy the house for guests etc, a thought came to me.
I know a couple. Neither work due to various reasons. They have a very different life to me (they hardly do anything which costs any money). They have one child. Don't drive.
Their Christmas looks so chilled. No rushing. No big events. No trying to get to shops or carol services or ice skating. Just time with each other. No stressed mum barking at them.
Which made me think? If we asked our DC's would they choose their current way of life or more time with both parents? Imagine having both mum and dad pick you up and what a lovely relationship you could have with your children to both see them every day from half past three with no distractions. Would it be better for their mental health? Would it mean less relationship breakdown?
I am a single parent so this life would be very hard for me to achieve; but I think if I asked my kids would you give up our house, holidays, extracurricular activities, toys, devices, subscriptions etc to have me there every day and be less distracted, they would say yes!
I know I could cut my hours but it's not the same. My work is relentless and I'd end up doing it anyway and not getting paid.

Yes, my youngest son has ASD and would definitely prefer it if I didn’t work as he hates having to go to breakfast club and after school club twice a week, but that’s not going to happen. I think it’s really important that working is normalised, along with the idea that you sometimes have to do things that you don’t want to do or that take you out of your comfort zone. Both boys have a better appreciation of what we have and do, and appreciate our family down time because they know that we work for it. I’d absolutely hate for my children to think that they could get away with doing nothing in life.

Mine say they would. I teach so am out of the house a lot and I must admit they have spent a lot of time in wraparound care, or coming home to an empty house, although I was part-time when they were young. Time spent together in the school holidays doesn't seem to count to them. However, what they really want is for me to be at home but to still have all the things my income gets us.

It is tricky because both my DC do suffer with anxiety and since starting secondary school have both been diagnosed with autism so I wonder if it would have been better if I was home more. We really would have to cut back so much with a loss of income though. DH is also a teacher so we so get a lot of time altogether in the school holidays, but not during term time. Lots of their friends' parents work part-time or from home and didn't have to go to after-school club, or can be picked up from.school instead of getting the bus. We are often unfavourably compared to them.

I used to be a sahm, then split from my dc's father and now work full time. I have much more self confidence and world experience now that I've built a career. My dc are proud of me and see me as a role model. I'm not convinced I would have the same impact/influence if I wasn't working.

But my job is very flexible. I work full time remote, and my colleagues are in North America timezones. I have a unicorn job, working for a genuinely family friendly organisation with an unlimited paid time off policy. I work on a project basis, so as long as I meet deadlines everyone is happy. Nobody is breathing down my neck to see when I'm online, and I'm never expected to work beyond my 5pm to fit into other timezones.

The only way I'd consider leaving work is if I suddenly became independently wealthy. But even then I'd get bored and probably start working again.

Short term, I imagine kids would like staying at home with with parents, watching TV as it's cheap

Long term, I imagine they'd prefer their parents to have worked, built up some savings, take them on holiday, help them to buy a house

I lean more towards work, the kids need to learn, they'll have their own interests, and I don't want to be in a position where I can't afford paint while I'm still thinking about learning to draw. I think I can find a job with more free time, but I can't not work; I need money to make a living and to buy my kids art supplies every week.

Financially DH and I don’t ‘need’ to work FT. But mentally we do. We both enjoy our work and need adult stimulation. We also wanted to teach our children that we do not exist simply to pander to their needs, that family time is precious and to be cherished, that money doesn’t grow on trees and that the world doesn’t revolve around them. We have two well rounded and unselfish kids.

And about rushing around to do the food shop and Christmas presents, I booked an online food shop and am getting it all delivered Christmas Eve. Presents have been done on my lunch break or online. Still some rushing about of course but trying to make it as easy for myself as I can.

My son might prefer it if I didn't work but unless he gets a paper round that pays the same as my wages I'm not giving up work any time soon!
Mum guilt never ends but thanks for adding to it 2 days before Christmas !
Lighthearted response- but I suspect many parents cannot afford to give up work even if their children would prefer it.

DS is 18 and I worked full time most of his life, with a couple of brief periods part time. He went to full time nursery, after school five days a week etc. I was a lone parent for some of it and lucky to have family support and for a time, a partner who shared in the drudge work. He always went to clubs, I could usually get time off for events in school time etc but I did spend a lot of time away from him.

He's had a good life- holidays, toys, activities, days out. None of that would've been possible if I hadn't worked and built my career. He's a happy teen and says he had a happy childhood. I also would've been much more miserable not working. We are close and I've always been there for him, throughout some very difficult times. Mentally I'm always a mother first as that's where my heart lies. It has affected my career choices despite working - delayed promotion etc. but there is a balance to be had.

'Mine say they would. I teach so am out of the house a lot and I must admit they have spent a lot of time in wraparound care, or coming home to an empty house, although I was part-time when they were young. Time spent together in the school holidays doesn't seem to count to them.'

@lavenderlou I was a teacher too - once my youngest said she was trying to think of a job I could do where I could pick them up every day. I said, isn't the whole of all the school holidays enough for you? Apparently it wasn't.

I now work FT in a different job and she now says she prefers to come home to an empty house

And to add, he has a very strong work ethic and wants to build his own career.

This. Absolutely 💯

Also, my SIL doesn't work. She could now her DDs are older (15 and 19) but chooses not to as financially there's no need. She's always been financially reliant on her DH. Which to be honest is my worst nightmare. Her 2 DDs aspirations are...to find a rich man and marry him. Both smart girls but neither want to go to uni or have a career at all really. I really don't want that for my DD and I try and be a role model from that perspective.

Technically my mum always worked, sometimes FT and sometimes PT. But we lived in poverty and no, I don't think my childhood was especially happy given that I was constantly missing out on activities and trips and wore hand-me-down clothes. Never mind the holidays, I couldn't even talk to my friends about the latest movies as we didn't have money for a TV or a VHS player, let alone a trip to the cinema. We also lived in a studio flat and there was literally nowhere to hide. I used to love being home alone when my parents were at work so I could have some time to myself.
Holidays are as stressful as you make them. We both work full time, we haven't really done anything for the holidays that required dashing about like headless chickens.

Unfortunately OP I don't think there's a correct answer to your conundrum other than you do what's best for you. I always worked part time (24 hours) and my kids enjoyed the time with their childminder. I was also very lucky that my husband had an above average wage to facilitate this plus we cut our cloth accordingly. My kids are adults now and they both needed financial support through university which we couldn't have done without my wage. Also, I'm mid 50's I have a few friends who have had poor health resulting in early retirement so you don't know what the future holds so you really need to save early for that. My kids certain have no issues due to me working.

They might enjoy not rushing so much and more organised house. They wouldn't enjoy smaller house, less activities, smaller gifts. More stressed parents struggling to pay bills.

Of course if money no object then they would prefer i didn't work, so would I but that is not a scenario for many people.

Mine wouldn't. They're quite attached to a safe, adequately-heated home, plenty of food and not worrying about affording hygiene products. Not to mention their days out, football club, riding lessons, rock climbing, expensive holidays...

I'm sure they'd like me to be available to them at all times, but not at the expense of a secure life.

This made me think of my mum. Before I had kids she made a comment that of course I would be giving up work once kids came along. I pointed out that she always encouraged me to go to uni, choose a career and do well for myself. She certainly liked showing off to her friends about my achievements. Then she would just expect me to give all that up?! Bizarre.

As a small child I really would have preferred it if my mum didn’t work. She worked nights and it always upsetting seeing her get ready for work before we went to bed. I always remember other kids mums being at all school events because they didn’t work. But as I got older it would have been weird.

From the perspective of a child whose parents both worked FT I can assure you that personally I am (and was) delighted that DM worked. She would have been intellectually stunted and resentful if she’d had to stay home. Other Mums clearly loved it but mine would have been a nightmare. As would I. We discussed DH being a SAHD but he didn’t want to so…tricks extremely good consistent childcare (same CM for the last 11 years and counting here).

We have done a bit of everything over the years…… when the children where little it was easier for me to be at home and husband work - we where however very very poor (had a mortgage so no housing help , and husband on minimum wage at the time) also , long term it wasn’t good for my mental health.

working part time for me and husband full was a good balance as we managed to juggle child care so we didn’t need nursery, which ment it was financially worth it .

I now do 4 full days (so close to full time) and husband has a better paying job, so we have more money (which the kids would probably say was more important as they are 17 and 14)

I honestly don’t know what is best , it’s a hard balance. I only manage the 4 days because I have the fifth at home pottering and catching up on jobs and rest

I can’t imagine the two adults at home doing nothing with their lives are really happy

you can always tweek and change what you do, but try not to base your life happiness by comparing yourself to others.

mine just cleaned the house all day. - ah, now I get it - THAT's what SAHMs do.

That was definitely NOT what I was doing when I was at home with my children.

Mine know that we could work less or go part time, but they won’t have multiple foreign holidays, the branded clothes, the days out, the opportunities and clubs that they have now. It’s all very wholesome being there the whole time, but at some stage you’d need money to actually enjoy that time. There are only so many free activities you can drag out. Personally I’d rather be able to go to the cinema/Xmas markets/have a day out in London/go ice skating/enjoy a meal out or a takeaway with my DC. I’d also get bored not working and think it’s important to demonstrate some kind of work ethic. Even better if you can demonstrate flexible working - I don’t miss school pick ups and I work full time hours. It’s not an either/or!

So much research shows that work is good for us, particularly women. Scientists are not sure why women are more likely to develop dementia than men ( it's not simply down to living longer) but it has been suggested that working out of the home has preventative effects.
Remember that most working class women ( the great majority of women) have always worked outside the home. My grandmother on one side ran a hospital laundry on the other side my grandmother was a hairdresser. It was only in the 1950s that the idea of SAHM was sold to the national to free up jobs for men returning from the war. My Mum worked. She had to. We needed the money. I worked as a teacher, part time until my youngest was four then full time. I am in my seventies and I do three days a week grandchild care and I still do a small amount of paid work.
I have a friend who never worked after having children. She has suffered from anxiety for the last twenty odd years. She was lost when her children went to university and she is still lost. She has lost confidence in everything. She stopped driving a long time ago. She hates leaving the home and she worries about everything. Goodness knows how she will cope when her husband is gone.
Work helps you feel good about yourself. It makes you feel like a grown up,an adult. There is a huge body of research to show that educating women so that they can work and be independent is very good for women and their families. It is why overseas development aid puts huge resources into education.

My kids would definitely prefer it if they didn't have to go to after school club or holiday club. They don't realistically understand that would mean me/DH not going to work, and want that would mean.

We both work PT/compressed hours so that we're around more. We're lucky to be able to do that but it's not without its downsides-firstly less money and secondly lack of career progression for me. Professionally I'd be happier FT, PT is a big compromise. Which basically is what life with work and kids is, endless compromise. Something has to give and you decide what gives depending on your circumstances.