Would your children prefer it if you didn't work?

[DonaldGumbo]

this is not a benefit bashing thread

As I am rushing around, trying to do two more days at work, buy last minute presents, food shop, tidy the house for guests etc, a thought came to me.
I know a couple. Neither work due to various reasons. They have a very different life to me (they hardly do anything which costs any money). They have one child. Don't drive.
Their Christmas looks so chilled. No rushing. No big events. No trying to get to shops or carol services or ice skating. Just time with each other. No stressed mum barking at them.
Which made me think? If we asked our DC's would they choose their current way of life or more time with both parents? Imagine having both mum and dad pick you up and what a lovely relationship you could have with your children to both see them every day from half past three with no distractions. Would it be better for their mental health? Would it mean less relationship breakdown?
I am a single parent so this life would be very hard for me to achieve; but I think if I asked my kids would you give up our house, holidays, extracurricular activities, toys, devices, subscriptions etc to have me there every day and be less distracted, they would say yes!
I know I could cut my hours but it's not the same. My work is relentless and I'd end up doing it anyway and not getting paid.

SAHPs "intellectually stunted"? I've heard it all now 🤣🤣🤣
When I went back to work part time after my youngest started secondary school, there was definitely guilt at not being there for them and stress when they needed more interventions to help them handle the school environment. My older children had no such difficulty. Coincidence - perhaps? Covid - perhaps? Me not being there when they came home from school and being less available when there were difficulties during school time - perhaps?

Incidentally, to the many people asking how SAHP couples get £2k a month. It's easily that on benefits.

It's probably because you're doing the school runs and then carrying on with work

I think most set ups can work for children but I think children do find confusing and hard to handle when parents are there but unavailable due to work.

Unless totally unavoidable, we try to stick to our compressed work hours so we are properly available to the kids on the day we pick them up

No neither would I want to teach them that is a good model

that said I work freelance from home in order to give myself time and space

@Thepeopleversuswork I also find the "rushing around thing" a bit weird.

I do the school runs one day a week, as does DH, and then we use the wraparound three days.

TBH - I feel most rushed on the day I am picking up and dropping off at 9 and 3! Because there's a five minute window and I get stressed by that and shouty with the kids. On wraparound days, I have a longer window to drop them off and am much more relaxed.

I feel in general that posters on here often really over egg the importance of picking up children at 3. I don't find it particularly quality time with the kids, ironically we are "rushing around" taking them to their activities half the time!

Most of my kids' peers who are picked up at 3 seem to go home and play Roblox anyway.

But different people find different things stressful I guess.

We both work, we picked them up (including the oldest when he isn’t feeling too cool), give them attention, cook their tea, take them to clubs, do homework etc. Not stressfull and no rushing around.

@kiraric

I also find the "rushing around thing" a bit weird.

Yeah its odd as it implies (to me) that its better for you and your kids to be sitting on your backside, which I don't buy into. I always find when people on these sorts of threads talk about "stress" they really usually mean "doing things during the day". I don't consider ordinary run of the mill stuff like doing my job, preparing a meal and dropping a kid off and then picking them up at an activity particularly stressful -- I would find doing housework while the kids watched TV far more stressful.

People really fetishise doing nothing on here and go on about the importance of being bored which is fashionable at the moment. I think its over-rated.

Obviously no one wants their cortisol levels to be permanently through the roof but I sometimes think a bit of healthy moderate stress does kids good. No one is going to achieve anything in their life if they don't get used to the fact they will have to push themselves a bit at certain points. Having a parent around to permanently facilitate everything and removing anything difficult or uncomfortable isn't a great way to learn this.

I think my DS would have preferred I not work but as a single parent I had to.

I resented my DM for not working because we struggled. But I also resented her spending money like water, complaining she had no money of her own and not being around even though she was supposed to be. All my friends had DMs that worked and they had a much higher standard of living.

I am full time carer for our disabled youngest but we had already decided with our older DC I'd stay home and we are fortunate enough to be able to do this. We've home educated all our DC and eldest are now both doing well at sixth form.

Lifts and errands has always been shared between DH and I as he works very near home. I can't imagine not having been at home with them, particularly whilst they were young. They're growing into very independent, ambitious young adults now.

Oh and yep our Christmases are generally very chilled!

@kiraric My DH is self employed and normally home by 4. I'm home from school run at about 3.45 so he's not on his own or anything, also has older siblings, but he sees me working and I think that has an effect.

Neither my brother nor I ever wished our parents didn’t work/for a stay at home parent. Their
working provided us with so much not just as children, but into adulthood as well.

Oh!! Yes, the stress of the no mum taxi
I doubt they are any different to most their age! 😀

Mine much prefer it when I'm not working, I've recently had to up my hours and tbh it's been far more stressful at home since. I have no idea how two full time parents cope!

Then you’re lucky you could do flexi hours or finish at 3 or whatever you had to do to make that the case. A lot of people who work the standard 9-5 just have their kids in wraparound care every day which imo is more stressful for all.

What's so stressful about wraparound care?

I know someone whose parents sort-of did this. Family of four. Father didn’t work, had a small income (much less than a full time job) from renting out a flat. Mother worked a school hours term time job, so very part time and quite low paid.

She says it was…ok. Having both parents around was nice. They still rushed around and were always late for stuff, more because of parents’ personalities than genuine time pressure. There was very little money - they definitely missed out on hobbies they wanted to do but weren’t affordable. Just went to the park a lot instead.

Probably the biggest impact was that neither child really developed a work ethic. You can tell children in school that living requires money which requires hard work, but if they don’t see it at home they don’t really understand. My friend says they grew up with the vague idea that a house and modest income just sort of came with adulthood, and hard work or non-humanities subjects were for greedy banker types. My friend got her act together as an adult, but her sister is now nearly 40, has never had a full time job, and is now raising her own family in very frugal circumstances and resenting it.

I teach on supply. It is not unusual to have to console a small child at the end of the day because they have go to after-school club. In a typical classroom, a child that you have found attention seeking all day will be going to after school club. I am not finding fault with after school clubs: they provide an excellent service with limited resources. However, given the choice (taking money out of it) most children would rather be collected from school by a parent and have the opportunity to go home. It is such a shame that capitalism has created a society where both parents have to work full-time to provide a reasonable standard of living.

@mugglewump I think the problem, at least from my perspective, is that there is no alternative, unless the woman (9/10) takes the financial hit and massive risk which is going part time.
Also doesn't quality time count too? Mine occasionally get picked up by me, but they are walked quickly back home, shoved in front of a tv and thrown snacks whilst I log back on and tell them not to interrupt me. It must be grim for them at times.

Mine would hate it. They like their activities and days out at weekends too much. I pick the younger one up and drop at school anyway and the older one would be really embarrassed if I started! There is also no world in which two of us would do the school run even if we were both available. Just why? I also don't get couples who do the supermarket shopping together though so maybe just me!

More than half the population survive on about this???

No because they wouldn’t have had the same lifestyle if we didn’t work, and they know it.

Tbh they are probably grateful for a bit of downtime - they probably don’t want to talk about their day but just zone out for bit so don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s so far from being grim.

This is a pastoral idyll / the good life type myth. It’s easy to romanticise, but in reality having no money would get very dull very quickly. Not to mention the lack of self worth from having to rely on the state for absolutely everything rather than earning what you can. As in all things, a balanced approach between time and money is the best.

Re the work ethic. I totally believe that it’s good for children to learn about good work ethics, “ if you want to have/buy stuff you need to work for it”.
I worked for many years in a school in the centre of an extremely deprived area where hardly any mothers or fathers worked ( for a variety of reasons). There was an ongoing circle of deprivation and unemployment, often over three generations of a family and it was really hard to break out of. Sadly I’ve seen a very large number of my pupils continue the cycle.
Although I wasn’t full time throughout the whole of their childhoods, they have told me that they saw and benefitted from, parents with a good work ethic.

@DonaldGumbo I hear you! I think that particular worry comes from being a single parent who works full time. I'm in the same boat. I was off sick for a few weeks a while ago, and we were all much more relaxed and easygoing and happy. I don't know how to go about achieving that day to day.

I don't know their exact circumstances, but there's a good chance you don't either.

Is there sleepless nights when the landlord puts up the rent a few £? Do they get a feeling of dread in the pit of their stomach when their DC brings home a permission slip for a school trip? Are they trying desperately not to cry when their child comes home without their school jumper 3 days into term, and their Shoezone shoes are already starting to fall apart? Are there tense evenings when DC says their friends go to ballet/ gymnastics/ musical instrument lessons and can't they go too?

Money is nice for fun things but it's also necessary for normal life. Having no cushion is very uncomfortable.