Would your children prefer it if you didn't work?

[DonaldGumbo]

this is not a benefit bashing thread

As I am rushing around, trying to do two more days at work, buy last minute presents, food shop, tidy the house for guests etc, a thought came to me.
I know a couple. Neither work due to various reasons. They have a very different life to me (they hardly do anything which costs any money). They have one child. Don't drive.
Their Christmas looks so chilled. No rushing. No big events. No trying to get to shops or carol services or ice skating. Just time with each other. No stressed mum barking at them.
Which made me think? If we asked our DC's would they choose their current way of life or more time with both parents? Imagine having both mum and dad pick you up and what a lovely relationship you could have with your children to both see them every day from half past three with no distractions. Would it be better for their mental health? Would it mean less relationship breakdown?
I am a single parent so this life would be very hard for me to achieve; but I think if I asked my kids would you give up our house, holidays, extracurricular activities, toys, devices, subscriptions etc to have me there every day and be less distracted, they would say yes!
I know I could cut my hours but it's not the same. My work is relentless and I'd end up doing it anyway and not getting paid.

I just asked mine. The 13 year old said he doesn’t care! The 8 yr old said he wishes I picked him up from school more often, because he’s bored of dad picking him up every day!

But, we have it better than most I guess. I am a teacher, so they have me all holidays. DH works nights, so he does the school run every day. I get to do the school run 3 times a year!

Children - even teens - aren't really capable of conceptualising the long term consequences of parents not working. In the moment, the answer might well be "yes", just as they might say yes if you asked them every day if they'd prefer not to go to school. You could reframe that question as "would you like to become an adult who can't find a decent job because you have no education?" and the answer would be different.

It's about framing the reality. Not working, as a lifestyle choice (rather than because of illness/disability) is not a sensible option for most people.

But why would 2 parents need / want to do a daily trip to the park?

That's too much even for 1!!

(Can you see why I worked ft).

i dont think so
they loved the responsibility and freedom of being home alone

Oh the £12 was just for me, I would never subject a child to live in poverty, that would be incredibly selfish.

Obviously I haven’t met every working parent, but saying they look frazzled is a bit offensive and untrue (from my experience). I’m not sure why both parents picking up their children from school would be the ideal?

I can imagine being a single parent is very stressful and not working would be a welcome break for you, but it’s not like that for everyone. It’s possible to work, have little stress, have quality time with your children, and be very happy.

You sound like you want to change your life a bit. Is there anything else you can do to make it less stressful? New job, cut our non-essential trips you don’t sound like you enjoy?

I loved my mum working. Went to work with her sometimes, she showed me what she did, her work was interesting.

Probably but it's not in the slightest realistic.

I raised my children as a single full time working mum.

I a really asked them that question a couple of years ago when they were late teens/ early adults and asked them to be totally honest (we are anyway).

Both said they wouldn't have wanted me to be a sahm. They said that they were grateful for everything I was able to give them (good schools, nice home, activities, holidays etc...) and most Importantly opportunities. They said it taught them to be hard working and resilient.

My personal view is that my eldest would have hated me being a sahm. My youngest...I think would have liked me home until secondary school but ultimately has thrived amazingly.

Dreadful idea.
My father was retired and my mother a SHAM.
We had no money worries. But my brother and I never saw anyone going to work. Work became something out of our reality.
The result is that we both had issues with working, we had no confidence looking for jobs.
I made sure both my DC grew up with both parents working, and started work experience early and have a strong work ethic.
For my brother and I having both parents at home was a disaster.

Yes, of course, they would love that. The little one wouldn't have to go to nursery, which he hates and the older one wouldn't have to go to after school and holiday clubs. She doesn't hate them but always tells me that she would rather be at home. The school day is anyway so long and then she some days she needs to stay longer because I work so she doesn't get enough time to play to play or relax.

If both were at school I could use the time to do housework or anything related rather than having to squeeze it into evenings and weekends. I might even be able to get some time for myself so wouldn't be so stressed and tired all the time.

Yes, of course, when they are older they will appreciate that both parents needed to work to fund our particular lifestyle. (It's not super luxurious but the alternative, ie not working, would make it substantially worse) and I'm hoping I'm setting a good example to the girls but considering how stressed and tired I am all the time I am not so sure about that anymore.

but that doesn't mean that if money wasn't a factor they wouldn't prefer if both of us were at home.

My son is constantly terrified I might go back to work (I’m a dreaded sahm!) but he is autistic, has severe separation anxiety and can’t do full full days at school. So yeah it’s easier I don’t work and he’s happier I don’t work. I used to feel awful being a sahm especially when you read mumsnet. But I now know it was the right choice for us.

Where is this mythical £2k coming from to enable parents to not work???

When my youngest was due to start secondary school I saw a great FT job opportunity (had been part time for years). To my amazement, I was offered the job. I had a chat with my youngest - would she prefer me to stay PT, things stay the same, or go FT - I'd be around a lot less but we'd have a lot more money. She told me in no uncertain terms to take the job. And thoroughly enjoyed the holidays abroad, house improvements, financial support for Uni it enabled.

I still have my good job now my children are fully grown and financially independent, which means I have had years of building a pension for when I retire. Work pays, literally.

My eldest is 21 now - I’ve always worked & children have been to nursery/breakfast club/ASC and holiday clubs! Neither of us have ever missed a nativity or school activity - between us we’ve shared.

I asked her whether she feels she missed out on anything - No because importantly she knew we were there for her if needed. Our children always come first and we ensure we are present.

Their favourite day is putting the tree up, snuggling on the sofa treats and watching Elf - we do this every year!

I could have written this ⬆️

OP could the takeaway from this be that sometimes less is more? Kids often won't mind a simple Christmas and don't benefit from parents putting an enormous amount of pressure on themselves to make it perfect.

Giving up work probably isn't the answer but there are parts of that lifestyle that you could incorporate if you think it will help.

Where would the £2k come from

That's more than some people's wages

I think it's the balance of work and home life that works for families. I'm lucky that I'm a primary school teacher and I work 4 days a week so I've all the school holidays at home and I have the privilege of taking them to school and picking them up once a week. My husband works from home so he takes them to school and between him and the grandparents they are collected & looked after. We've plenty of time at home with the kids but we can also afford the nicer things in life (very lucky I know). My kids did have to go to daycare before school age a few days a week and I do think they would have preferred to stay at home but unfortunately that wasn't doable. I grew up in a council house with one parent who worked and one who didn't. I loved having my mum at home but equally I was so jealous of my friends bigger houses, holidays, new clothes, toys etc. As a teenager I was definitely embarrassed by not having the 'correct' trainers etc. Not the right way of thinking but as a teenager you want to fit in.

Why do you think that's desirable?

Maybe it's just my kids but, while they do like me and DH a bit, they really enjoy blowing off steam at after school club with their friends

On the basis of my experience of my mother returning to work when I was 12, I decided to never work more than part time, and during school hours for the most part. The kids appreciated this. Maybe if I'd never known any better from young, I wouldn't have cared.

No judgement on those who do differently, I just know what coloured my own choice. Possibly my mother wasn't good at juggling the two, while other parents might be.

My father always worked full time, so never knew any different there.

So going with this thinking daughters don't need to worry about uni or A levels because they will have to give up work as soon as they are pregnant

Not sure my kids would notice a huge difference. I work from home so manage to get some household things done in the day. DD wouldn't need to do breakfast club but would probably want to carry on with after school club and my DM collecting her a few times a week. DS goes to school in the city and gets the school bus which wouldn't change. I don't think it's worth me not earning my salary to take DD to school to be honest.

There is an in between… you mention rushing around to activities like ice skating. I work FT and don’t do much of this with my kids. They have no regular after school activities apart from the after school club till I finish work at 5. One has SEN needs so I don’t want to overload them.

They do both tell me though they wish I could pick them up at 3 like other kids. Some kids go to the park at 3 and I wish I could give them that.

Where can you not work and get 2k per month?