Would your children prefer it if you didn't work?

[DonaldGumbo]

this is not a benefit bashing thread

As I am rushing around, trying to do two more days at work, buy last minute presents, food shop, tidy the house for guests etc, a thought came to me.
I know a couple. Neither work due to various reasons. They have a very different life to me (they hardly do anything which costs any money). They have one child. Don't drive.
Their Christmas looks so chilled. No rushing. No big events. No trying to get to shops or carol services or ice skating. Just time with each other. No stressed mum barking at them.
Which made me think? If we asked our DC's would they choose their current way of life or more time with both parents? Imagine having both mum and dad pick you up and what a lovely relationship you could have with your children to both see them every day from half past three with no distractions. Would it be better for their mental health? Would it mean less relationship breakdown?
I am a single parent so this life would be very hard for me to achieve; but I think if I asked my kids would you give up our house, holidays, extracurricular activities, toys, devices, subscriptions etc to have me there every day and be less distracted, they would say yes!
I know I could cut my hours but it's not the same. My work is relentless and I'd end up doing it anyway and not getting paid.

My DS loves my job. I travel internationally quite a bit and have occasionally been able to take him with me.

I recently got a promotion and the first thing he asked was if I'd still get to travel!

I'm fortunate that between me and DH we've never missed a play, assembly or sports day.
DS is 10 and fully understands that our lifestyle is a result of us both working.

It's possible to have a middle ground here - working parents and a low stress life.

Flexibility is the key for me.
Both of my parents worked, dad was a police officer (shift work) and my mother worked office hours near home and school and worked around dads shifts and school runs (he had his shifts well in advance)
This meant we always had access to one parent.
My view is even as a teenager you don't physically need your parents to do things....but it's a complicated time in your life with lots of changes and you still do need that stability at home with a parent there. We didn't have grandparents that were available to look after us etc.

I never had to go to after school clubs/holiday clubs etc and for me as a child I would have hated the uncertainty of who was going to be there etc.

I remember as teenagers my friends who were at home all day in the holidays. They were quite lonely! Even though I didn't spend every single moment with my parents at home I liked them just being there.

My mother often spoke that she could have worked full time etc and had a bigger house but all in all....we had what we needed and we went on holiday etc!

Now I'm a parent my view is the same...I'm a shift worker (30 hours...works out 2 days one week and 3 days the next) this includes working weekends. My husband works office hours (condensed over 4 days and also flexi time) meaning that maximum 1 day per week my child is picked up from school by a grandparent and goes to theirs for tea some weeks it's 0.
Yes I could up my hours..probably extend my mortgage to a bigger house etc but that would mean less time with our child.

Absolutely this.

I was mostly a SAHM for a while (I worked part time, but from home, so was always around for the children. I now work full-time in a really consuming but also fulfilling job. My DD11, who's the eldest, recently used me as the person she was most inspired by, in a school interview. I was ridiculously touched. I know both my kids find it hard that I am so stretched now, but I also know I'm a better person all round for it and that filters down to them. I also want to set a good example to them - I can't see how both parents not working is setting children up for anything but them also not working when adults.

My parents both worked when I was a child and I went to a childminder some of the time. Sometimes my sibling and I used to moan about it but I have great memories now of the childminders, playing with the other kids etc. I don’t think it did me or my sibling any harm. I don’t remember ever wishing my parents didn’t work it was just what I knew. Lots of my friends who work would love to be stay at home mums but can’t afford it. I never had a desire to be a stay at home parent personally.

What a load of tosh.

Both DH and I have had full careers and are now SAH parents. Both are kids are already talking about where they want to go to uni and what careers they want.

So many assumptions that all SAH parents are feckless poverty striken layabouts who are making carbon copies of themselves. That's just lazy thinking.

I currently work very very part-time like a few hours a month.
Earlier in the year circumstances changed and it looked as though I was going to have to get a full-time job my children were having an absolute turn about it.
Not happy at all mainly because they know how stressed I get when I have deadlines and places to be and I have to be outside of the house.
I don’t care what anybody says. Young children’s preference is for their parents to be at their absolute beck and Call or at least there to pick them up and take them to school

*What a load of tosh.

Both DH and I have had full careers and are now SAH parents. Both are kids are already talking about where they want to go to uni and what careers they want.

So many assumptions that all SAH parents are feckless poverty striken layabouts who are making carbon copies of themselves. That's just lazy thinking.*

Why are you both SAHP though? Presumably because you've been successful and earned enough to retire early? In which case, great - good for you! But it's not a load of tosh to say there are successive generations where no adults work. I didn't say 'all' SAHP - you made that assumption yourself

@kiraric

I don't agree that Mumsnet is as pro work as you say - I think there's a massive "precious moments" crew of SAHMs posting with the "on your deathbed, you won't wish you worked more" type comment

Absolutely. And this "no one on their deathbed ever regretted not working more" is such a load of shit.

A very large number of people regret not having worked more. People who don't work are, for the most part, completely dependent on other people or dependent on the state for money and let's be honest, that's a horrendous place to be. Yes some people are forced into this and they deserve support and compassion but it isn't something to aspire to. My mum basically never returned to work after having my sister and I and was incredibly bitter about it. She was incredibly unfulfilled, bored and lonely and would have given two decades of her life to have gone back to work.

Work is often painted on here as something for people who don't have "lives": I've lost count of the number of times I've seen people comment on here that jobs are for people who can't think of anything more interesting to do or who don't have hobbies. Or for ballbreaking types who want to spend all their money on an expensive car or shoes

It's true that some people work too hard and there is a balance to be found. But work can bring a huge amount of satisfaction if you find the right work and more importantly it brings independence. Work is freedom.

It really worries me that in this day and age people on a discussion board predominantly for women are presenting a lifestyle based on centring your entire life around your children and husband as superior to this.

"I can't see how both parents not working is setting children up for anything but them also not working when adults".

No assumption on my part. Your words. Your assumption.

HTH

I grew up with a single, non working parent, and honestly it wasn't great. Yes I never had to go to childcare and she always had time to take use to the park but the memories that have lasted most strongly are the ones of being cold and hungry.

As an adult I've always struggled with disordered eating because feel I need to eat everything I have, because I can't get over the fear there won't be food later/tomorrow. I also border on becoming a holder because I need to have months worth of food and the next few sizes of kids cloths stored 8n my house, just to keep the 'not being able to provide' anxiety at bay.

If you want to simply your life, by all means skip the ice skating or extracurricular activities, but please continue to provide a financially stable upbringing for your DC if you are able to.

I’m a SAHM but DH works for himself from
home and has a very flexible job. It’s worked brilliantly for our DC’s and us. Sure we could earn a lot more money but the time we have together is sacred to us right now while the kids are younger and I’ll ‘go back to work’ when I feel it suits our family. The time I have means I can and do help DH’s business at times but only ever during school hours, I can and do sort the house/kids etc, it also means we eat healthier and save money as I have the time to DIY/cook from scratch/grow veg/plan trips. It works for us, because we have time it means we very rarely stressed if at all, and it also means we can help the kids become more independent as we have time to teach them (eg cooking, life skills)

It's also role modelling for your DC. Boys grow up thinking women can work and girls grow.up thinking they can work.

I think most children prefer the scenario where one parent works (ie brings home money for holidays and nice things), and one doesn't, so is around to play/chat / cook nice food / take them places / look after the house a bit / generally look after them.
The best of both worlds, basically!
I had this scenario growing up, and loved it.

Growing up my mum didn't work and my dad never let her hear the end of it - I swore I'd never been like that and so have a well paid career ....maybe my kids will be the opposite but I'm teaching them valuable lessons about work ethic ambition multi tasking etc

I don’t think that’s a bad thing to keep the next size up clothes especially if you’re buying them in the sales that’s good financial planning don’t beat yourself up for that.
I always look at it as is the discount worth more than the interest I would gain on having it in the bank so if it’s 50% off it’s worth buying the clothes and storing them
If it’s 10% off, the cash is better off in the Bank
If it’s going on a credit card, you don’t need it.

I agree with this. My mum was a SAHM and was always embarrassed that she didn't work. I made sure to get my own high flying career so my DC didn't have to feel the same way about me.

Just to add, In our case, we both now work, and I always feel guilty I am not giving my kids as much as what I had.
For instance, my sister and I are both avid readers, my kids less so - and I did read to them when they were young, but obviously much less than my mum (who was SAHM) did to us, as she was around from 3pm when we got home from school to do, and took us to libraries several times a week. And I think that is direct consequence. Same with food: she made sure we snacked healthily when coming home from school, and had prepared things, whereas mine sort of grab whatever they want, and my husband and I are holed up in the office or WFH so not keeping as close an eye on things, and as a result their diet is not as healthy as ours was (in terms of that part of the day).

My mum didn't work and I loved it growing up. It's only as an adult I think it would've been better for her as she can be quite isolated. I was quite lazy about household jobs and notably less mature than friends who had to go to childcare and get on with things more than I did.

I think my children appreciate me coming to a play or picking them up so much more because they know it's not easy for me to do that.

Pick up and drop offs aren't exactly the most exciting way to spend time together though. If neither DH nor I worked, we would probably take it in turns to do them anyway!

Everyone has the choice to live on a tiny income and have more time with their kids, but I think most people have decided the benefits of time don't outweigh the need for money. The stress of having less time for your kids is far less than the stress of not having enough money. My family were very poor at one point in my childhood and it's not something I would wish for my children at all.

No they wouldn’t because I’d be utterly miserable. Tried doing the stay at home mum thing, lasted a month and I was almost suicidal. Husband and I both work shifts though so one of us is usually about.

I was a SAHM until my DC went to school, then worked pt and then increased hours to ft when thry were both at secondary school.
They'd definitely like it if one or both of us were at home more, esp in school holidays, but they also like having whatever food they like, going on holiday, treats like going out for a meal for someone's birthday, or going to the cinema etc.

I think it was just as stressful in a different way when I was a SAHM but we had far less disposable income

I would say that little kids would 100% prefer it if their parents didn't work. At that age, you don't need much money to make kids happy: a trip to the park/library, flask of hot chocolate etc.

But once you hit the teenage/young adult years I think there are huge advantages to having parents who work: more money for tech and clothes, able to pay for activities, trips, holidays, able to support with costs of uni/next career steps. My DC has an expensive hobby that is likely to be a big part of his life and maybe even become a career - there is no way he would be able to pursue this if I wasn't working.

I'm a lone parent and I know that DS would love for me to be at home and not work. However I don't think he'd like the actual reality of that i.e. no more clubs, out of school activieis, days out, treats, holidays etc