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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

761 replies

Addyview · 23/12/2024 04:03

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

OP posts:
DaftyLass · 23/12/2024 04:05

Just say : sorry SIL, no dibs, we need to share with everyone
Reply as needed/ until she gets the message

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 23/12/2024 04:07

This is keeping you awake at 4am on December 23rd, it definitely needs addressed. I think I would have to say something too.

The questions I would be asking of myself first are - Is she entirely well? Is BIL covering something up? Her behaviour sound’s very testing and strange.

Fraaances · 23/12/2024 04:08

Ask if she is a vulture

JustJoinedRightNow · 23/12/2024 04:11

Next time she tells people not to eat certain foods because she wants to take the leftovers home just laugh and go "as if!! Eat as much as you like everyone" and keep brushing her off.
Just because she claims things doesn't mean you all have to let her.
If she points out a present of yours she likes, and asks if she can have it, just reply "I literally unwrapped it this morning. No you can't have it" and repeat

Gatecrashermum · 23/12/2024 04:11

Her behaviour sounds deranged....but also completely shameless. My experience of people this tight is that they are not embarrassed in the least - they'd have to not care about social niceties to behave so incredibly and blatantly selfish.

If BIL is right and she'll get embarrassed yes absolutely phone her and ask her to please not ask repeatedly if she can take other people's gifts home, and please don't ask people to hold back when they're eating so she can have plenty of leftovers - because she won't be given any leftovers to take home, they are wanted for your family's future meals - they're part of the joy of hosting.

I'd ring her tomorrow morning and get this off your chest.

But presumably you have caved before and given her leftovers to take home from all the meals she has attended?

Polyp0 · 23/12/2024 04:12

You should definitely say something in advance!

Onlyonekenobe · 23/12/2024 04:18

So weird!

I agree, she doesn’t get to make people feel uncomfortable AND have her blushes spared by her DH. That just ignores everyone else and allow her to spoil everyone else’s day.

I think you need to give BIL the choice: I’m going to call her and tackle this head on Christmas morning, or you can make your excuses and stay at home. All done in private so nobody else knows. She needs to pick one. This behaviour is not on.

How miserable! What a downer on Christmas Day.

Addyview · 23/12/2024 04:22

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 23/12/2024 04:07

This is keeping you awake at 4am on December 23rd, it definitely needs addressed. I think I would have to say something too.

The questions I would be asking of myself first are - Is she entirely well? Is BIL covering something up? Her behaviour sound’s very testing and strange.

It's been playing on my mind since DH asked his brother over again this Christmas last month.
Her behaviour is strange but it's more that she's made it her personality now. She will gladly sit and brag that she gets all she can for free out of life and doesn't like paying for things. Whenever we've approached it in the past like when we told her we didn't like that she refused to pay her share on a family meal out she basically told us she would rather we didn't invite her than expect her to fork out any money for things she's not interested in.

OP posts:
Thevelvelletes · 23/12/2024 04:25

I'd be speaking to dh and telling him to withdraw that invite.
Fuck putting up with that in your own home.

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 23/12/2024 04:30

Addyview · 23/12/2024 04:22

It's been playing on my mind since DH asked his brother over again this Christmas last month.
Her behaviour is strange but it's more that she's made it her personality now. She will gladly sit and brag that she gets all she can for free out of life and doesn't like paying for things. Whenever we've approached it in the past like when we told her we didn't like that she refused to pay her share on a family meal out she basically told us she would rather we didn't invite her than expect her to fork out any money for things she's not interested in.

She is shameless and if her DH is telling you all to not embarrass her/spare her blushes then he is too by proxy. I would take her at her word and invite her nowhere!

Gatecrashermum · 23/12/2024 04:36

She said "she would rather we didn't invite her than expect her to fork out any money for things she's not interested in." and you STILL invite her?! That would be the last time for me. Does your BIL not put his hand in his pocket either?

Honestly this behaviour is outrageous. You've been a mug to let it continue so long. If she's not interested in seeing you - don't bloody see her. Absolutely do not pay for her.

She may have made saving money- at other people's expense - her personality but it's an ugly one that will find her social circle get smaller and smaller

Momtotwokids · 23/12/2024 04:41

How old is she? Definitely tell her behave or stay home. How uncomfortable everyone must be.

CatsndtheBear · 23/12/2024 04:44

I know someone like this.

The ONLY thing that helped was everyone agreed to reply to her with a "NO", said in the kind of tone you would to stop a toddler touching a stove.

Just that one word withs strong eye contact.
No placating or trying to make her less awkward, everyone looked at her when someone said the "NO".

We also once waited for the waiter to come and said to them that she would be paying separately so please create an individual bill for her. She knew then she needed to pay or else she alone would be in trouble.

It sorted the problem!

People like that rely on us trying to make things less awkward.

Instead, everyone needs to come up with a plan and follow through.

Pippa12 · 23/12/2024 04:44

I think I’d just reply sharply on Christmas Day that there will be absolutely no doggy bags today for anybody. No explanation or conversation. Repeat.

The present thing is weird- Id just reply no. Just shut her down.

We also have a free loading brother and sister in law. My DH has a good relationship with his brother, I’m super low contact with them as they drive me insane scrounging.

MumChp · 23/12/2024 04:48

Wtf why did you invite her?

NO is the amswer to every question she asks.

Guest100 · 23/12/2024 04:48

I would just say no. If she asks for a gift you just received just say no I love this, thank you ….. With the left overs I would say no that’s our dinner tonight. If she keeps on at you ask her if her ears are painted on. After Christmas you need to tell your DH they are not coming over again.

JanglingJack · 23/12/2024 04:51

JustJoinedRightNow · 23/12/2024 04:11

Next time she tells people not to eat certain foods because she wants to take the leftovers home just laugh and go "as if!! Eat as much as you like everyone" and keep brushing her off.
Just because she claims things doesn't mean you all have to let her.
If she points out a present of yours she likes, and asks if she can have it, just reply "I literally unwrapped it this morning. No you can't have it" and repeat

I'd go with this.

Present wise - ah unfortunately I love it, so unlucky.
Unlucky again
Start opening next one and haha don't even bother asking.
Then enough now, stop hankering after my presents!

You might get lucky, she might get the hump and go home 😂

Food wise, sorry this is seeing us through to the new year, supermarket is open tomorrow, you won't starve. Greedy grabbing pig - okay, maybe not the last bit!

Thevelvelletes · 23/12/2024 04:51

MumChp · 23/12/2024 04:48

Wtf why did you invite her?

NO is the amswer to every question she asks.

It was her husband that issued the invite.

MumChp · 23/12/2024 04:55

Thevelvelletes · 23/12/2024 04:51

It was her husband that issued the invite.

Wtf why did husband invite? And wife accepted?

I would have left home at Christmas to go relatives/friends not put up with a guest like this. Husband invites. Husband sorts and gets the fun.

MeanWeedratStew · 23/12/2024 04:56

Is she the sort who would simply help herself (steal) if told no?

useitorlose · 23/12/2024 05:01

'No' is a complete sentence in this situation.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 23/12/2024 05:04

That’s so disgusting and rude

Id message BIL/SIL and DH today and say we will be keeping all leftovers as we are hosting please don’t ask to take any home.

Then each time she asks to have someone’s gift say SIL that’s really rude to ask for my gift as soon as I’ve opened it you are not a seagull !!

Next year no inviting anywhere and your BIL needs to pull his head in too

KangaRoo00 · 23/12/2024 05:05

How bizarre, definitely cancel them.

Also what is everyone doing awake at 5.05 (if you are in the UK)?

Lemonadeand · 23/12/2024 05:07

JustJoinedRightNow · 23/12/2024 04:11

Next time she tells people not to eat certain foods because she wants to take the leftovers home just laugh and go "as if!! Eat as much as you like everyone" and keep brushing her off.
Just because she claims things doesn't mean you all have to let her.
If she points out a present of yours she likes, and asks if she can have it, just reply "I literally unwrapped it this morning. No you can't have it" and repeat

This. I think you (and everyone) need to keep challenging her as and when the behaviour comes up.

”Don’t be silly! We’re enjoying Christmas dinner: I haven’t batched cooked for your benefit.”

”Are you serious? These are my Christmas presents!” Etc.