To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

[Addyview]

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

If BILs worried about her getting embarrassed he can say something to her himself. I'd be doing gifts before they come over and yes telling her she gets to take zero things home including leftovers and she isnt to ask anybody to give her their gifts and if she doesn't like that she doesn't need to come. When she's there be a broken record and stick to your boundaries. No SIL that belongs to x, no one is regifting. No SIL we've already said that you're not taking any leftovers home so we may as well all eat as much as we want. Its not going to be very comfortable, but it needs to be done.

I think I'd go the other way.

"Oh, I am having the leftover sprouts..."
"Sorry, but auntie Joan will eat the leftovers. She likes to have a good fart along with my DC!"

Ask her “Aren’t you ever embarrassed?”

I think it’s too late to cancel this year, as it would leave them in the lurch regarding buying their own food.
Not at all – shops are open today and tomorrow, SIL will simply have to spend some of her own money. I wouldn’t want to have to spend my christmas doing any of the suggestions here to police an adult being this fucking insane.

I think I would tell her she was a cheeky mare and start doing the same for every present that she opened until she got the jist. Or I'd start suggesting trades: 'I'll trade your designer handbag for the turkey and sprout leftovers!' But I like behaving a bit silly when people act like CFs.

What do you say to her? I would just keep on saying no very calmly. No I’m keeping that, No we’re eating that tomorrow. If she carries on ‘please stop asking for things’. You’re already in the point of uninviting her so you’ve nothing to lose in being direct with her. She may not understand what she’s doing and need it spelled out. If Bil is right and she’s embarrassed she will stop. If she doesn’t stop she’s just a twat and then you don’t invite her again.

I agree with the text beforehand to say no leftovers so they should make sure they get food in for Boxing Day. And a sharp comment the first time she asks for a gift on the day.

You can’t uninvited at this late stage. But don’t let DH invite them again. You never know , if DH has already mentioned it to BiL , he might have spoken to her about the behaviour already. 🤞🏼

This is also a time where my mums best phrase can be used to full effect

"Which part of no didn't you understand?!"

I had a friend like this and one day I just said oh my God stop you sound like a lunatic. Follow up with banning her from regifts and leftovers.

So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why.
It's 23rd December. If you didn't want her then you shouldn't have let DH invite them, or should have sorted this out a month ago when he did. YABVVVVVU to try to start a fight, uninvite or in any other way try to ruin their Christmas now, with no opportunity for them to even buy in the food for themselves.

Tell SIL and BIL on arrival that you will be keeping all leftovers, so please don't ask for any. If she asks for a gift say "ask BIL to get it got your birthday". In all other ways, just behave yourself for one day. You don't need to invite them in future years, but that's no reason to create drama this year.

Or the Mumsnet favourite, "Are you on glue?"

Eeerrrrr that's offensive to people with Tourette's syndrome !!!!!

The food thing is bad enough but presents? What scale of present are we talking about? Jewellery from your DH, chocolates from an uncle or just everything?

So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

I don’t think those are your only two options. I’d have Christmas as planned, assume the best and if she starts, make a point of it and laugh it off.

I would speak to her today. Tell her she is welcome if there are no further comments. No asking for leftovers or wanting other people's presents. Tell her it's embarrassing and upsetting.
Suggest that if she can't keep her trap shut for 1 day then she needs to stay at home. You will probably be more polite than that!
I really would not tolerate that, it's utterly lacking in manners.
Edited to add. Shops are open so she can still get stuff in for Christmas dinner.

I can't believe she refuses to pay her share of a family meal, so making it more expensive for everyone else presumably, who then have to pay her share!

If she doesn't care about offending you and others, then I wouldn't worry about uninviting her from Christmas dinner. Do it, it will be empowering. She's brought this on herself, she's relying on everyone else's politeness to get away with it.

Surely not too late to cancel, there’s still time to go food shopping. And when they do, maybe SIL can ponder why they’re there doing it. Actions, consequences, all that. (And totally agree re female life cycle!)

I know this is a joke - but my autistic DS hates when his food touches and this plate would save me so much hassle. (He hates the plate dividers too 🫠) so thanks for sharing!

OP, this needs to be nipped in the bud. Is she frugal and saving or very very tight and forcing herself without? Either way, very unhealthy and not the sort of dinamic you want over Christmas.

I’d shut her down by acting like everything she says is ridiculous, so…

can I have this present? No, of course not it’s a brand new gift.
If she asks again - Bloody hell, you’re like the grinch, no again, you can’t take brand new presents!

Everyone, don’t eat all the carrots, I’d like to take them home - haha, don’t be daft, everyone tuck in!

I suspect that it’s actually your BIL who gets embarrassed, hence why he doesn’t want you to say anything.

This is what I was going to say.

Reply NO every single time. Let the other guests know to do the same. Emphatic NO.

Does this grabby woman bring any sort of contribution or gifts for the host?

Quick text to SIL in advance:

”To avoid any awkwardness on the day, I will be keeping all of my Christmas presents this year, and won’t be providing leftovers to take home. Please don’t ask”

That’s your opening, if she has said in the past she’d rather not be invited than pay her share just use her own words against her if she moans.

I don’t think I’d uninvite them simply because we’ll, it’s Christmas, but she needs calling out.

Crikey I would reprimand my children for doing that.
Time for some good old mumsnet stock phrases
No it's my gift, why are you being so rude
No sil we are using leftovers for boxing day
Sil (tinkerly laugh) don't be silly people cn eat much as they like, WE paid for it
Sil do you mean to be so rude (headtilt)

I’d go all faux concern, take her to one side and say ‘I’m really worried that you keep asking for things, is everything ok at home, do you have money troubles?’ And when she says no then say well it’s really weird so stop it,

SIL has no shame at all, it's BIL who gets embarrassed and wants you to indulge her. Tell BIL before they come that SIL's scrounging embarrasses everyone and it is not going to spoil everyone's xmas this year. Remind them on arrival that Sally is not to scrounge today. Tell other guests as they arrive that you are not tolerating any scrounging by Sally today. Then every time she tries anything just say "stop scrounging"

I'm assuming that it is the same group of relatives/family friends every year. If there are going to be new people in the mix, just prewarn them that SIL unfortunately will scrounge given any opportunity and just ignore it.

It's worth one Xmas of BIL being embarrassed. He either then has to do something about her behaviour or they don't come again. She was very open and rude about the dinner so you should reflect that attitude back at her.