To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

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I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

As for your BIL asking you not to call her out on it because she’ll be embarrassed, that’s a crock of shit. She’s too thick skinned to feel any embarrassment and he means that he’ll be the embarrassed one. He clearly can’t stand up to her and is enabling her with his behaviour.

It’s a horrible situation for you, good luck. No words of advice but some great suggestions upthread.

I would use sarcasm and announce to all your other guests that you don’t want to see any leftovers! It’s your BL who should be dealing with this though. I would wonder if she has a psychological issue but if she gets embarrassed then surely she wouldn’t do it in the first place.

One of the advantages of being in my 60s is I no longer give any fucks about upsetting people who don't care who they are upsetting. I'd be very direct with her these days. The disadvantage of being in my my 60s is waking at 4 stressing about today's scheduled call with mum's social worker who has just made a stupid suggestion to mum and raised her hopes about something that can't happen.

I would bluntly say no. No excuse such as i like my present or i will use leftovers just no. And i definitely would not give her any leftovers so she gets the message.

Tell BIL if she behaves like that this Christmas, you won’t be inviting her to your home again.

That way, the onus is on him to manage her behaviour.

I am surprised you have tolerated it for so long tbh.

We're not all in the UK. It's currently 4:40pm here.

Im surprised you've allowed this to go on for so long. Why have you been giving her food to take home at all in the past?

Make it clear at the door when they arrive that there's to be no asking for people's presents or food and if it does happen they won't be invited again, no second chances

This said very clearly and with a smile at her first attempt.

Just tell her no. Don't get why this is an issue

I would be phoning her direct and saying that there would not be a repeat of previous Christmas experiences. If she feels she cannot do this then please do not come as the bad behaviour is not welcome.

I'd be telling BIL to drill it in to her that she's not to make her silly comments otherwise you WILL be responding, and tough luck if she gets embarrassed.

Have a few comments ready for the day...
Presents: "This is my gift. I'm sure Aunty Mavis will tell you where she bought it so that you can purchase your own". Alternatively, if she keeps on, "keep your grabby hands to yourself Amanda".
Food (if she asks people not to eat too much): "this spread is for EVERYONE to enjoy today - help yourselves everyone".
Food (if she asks for leftovers): "nope, sorry, any leftovers are ours for future meals this week".

Don't just put up with it, and for goodness sake, don't invite her again, and be honest if they ever ask why they're not invited to something.

If embarrassing her is the only way to make her stop, embarrass away. The first dibs she calls on a gift, ‘why would I give it away it’s gorgeous, then thank you so much much to the giver’ and repeat every single time. When it comes to dinner just shut it down straight away, no that’s tomorrow’s lunch it’s ours.

she refused to pay her share on a family meal out she basically told us she would rather we didn't invite her than expect her to fork out any money for things she's not interested in.
This is deranged. But I also don't like paying for things that I don't want to do so on this example I'm envious of her ;-) all the other things though - leftovers, presents etc, that's just rude.
Two ways to play this. You either just keep saying a firm "no", or you do a nice big declutter of all your stuff and keep it under the stairs. When she asks to take your lovely new clarins gift set say "oh this one's for me but I do have something I think you'd like" and produce the crappy home bargain face cream gift set you got from secret Santa four years ago. The Tupperware full of leftovers can come alongside a bag of just out of date half eaten rubbish from the back of the cupboard.
I'm expecting an update on this thread on Xmas day.......

So many early morning replies. I would just match her unembarrassed requests with blunt, no it's mine/for everyone. What you think of as being rude, she won't even hear. Push back and don't invite her next year. Let us know how it goes.

There are some good suggestions here for the OP to manage SIL's demands/requests when directed at her, but can see the dilemma when the requests/demands are directed to others.

The letting the SIL know in advance that there will not be any leftovers going home. This can be presented as giving them the 'heads up' so they can buy any food they need. Then if she says anything during the meal, you can remind her that you have advanced notice of this - and reassure the rest of the diners to help themselves.

With regard to presents, you can also text to ask her to refrain from asking people to re-gift or pass on presents, saying these comments make people feel awkward and you know that's not her intention.

If she is unhappy with this, your BiL is around to provide support.

"For fuck's sake stop asking me for all my things! No, you can't take my food home. You can't have my presents." Say it loudly every single time.

I would have one stock phrase that you use loudly and firmly each time she says something out of turn.

'That's enough of the scrounging Diane, we don't want to hear it!'

Does she give presents?

So BIL says you shouldn’t address it because she’s embarrassed? She doesn’t sound embarrassed in the slightest to me, sounds like he’s embarrassed and doesn’t want a scene.
i would tell BIL he needs to give her a warning to not do this, because you will be responding and telling her firmly no. Let him manage it then.

I seriously don't understand this. Why does she think it's normal behaviour? She is coming across as having Tourettes or something. What's wrong with her husband for putting up with it? Does she do it with other family members or her own family? It's one of the most insane things I've ever seen on mumsnet.

I don't think SIL is embarrassed by her behaviour or she'd stop.

I think BIL is embarrassed by his wife's behaviour and would rather you pretend it's normal than point out the obvious in front of guests.

As for being up. I've been up since 5! Ds is a swimmer and so took him training. That's a lie in - usually up at 4 for a 5am training session. Holidays mean they are training 6-9am!

Exactly this. Shut her down each time.

I wouldn’t uninvite at this stage - I think that will upset bil who I suspect will be single by this time next year.

I would follow other people’s suggestions of saying no calmly but firmly each time she asks for something, with no explanation or softening.

I suspect she hasn’t realised how she’s coming across- I suspect she thinks that there is an element of a compliment asking for leftovers of food you’ve cooked or to have things that you’ve finished with - and if you’ve always dealt with it tactfully she probably hasn’t realised it’s irritating you.

If it happens a lot or she calls you on the “no” then I’d say to her sympathetically “it’s hard getting used to other family’s norm’s isn’t it. But it our family we don’t ask for things like that”

I may have missed it but do they bring anything when they come? Do they ever do their own hosting and hard work?

I would be very happy if someone did ask for leftovers especially as I'm not a good cook but I feel like she's asking for leftovers so they don't have to do any work that night or the next day and get to benefit from your work twice as well as not having to pay for those meals.

What's she doing with the gifts she's trying to grab? Regifting/ selling on to save or make money from you?

I would be asking DH to have a word about BIL before things blow up. Her behaviour is embarrassing.

I think it is too late to address it 2 days before Christmas or cancel them. You should have done it when they were invited.
However you can thwart her and turn it into a joke every time she says anything.
Eventually she will either look silly or BIL will shut her up. Dont let it wind you up, but address it in advance next time!