To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

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I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

I once heard a friends DC reply to this..... they said

'the n part'

I don't think thus should keep you awake at night. If she asks to take stuff home just say "Sorry, we were planning to eat that ourselves." It shouldn't be so awkward.

Many of these suggestions will make other guests feel awkward. I would go with being quite breezy and laughing it all off getting firmer if needed in private as the day goes on. No way would I give her any leftover or extra gifts. I'd also tell your husband to tell his brother that if he doesn't want his wife to feel embarrassed he better tell her not to behave this way because you will be calling her out. This warning might help tone her actions down.

100% needs addressing in advance, with last years behaviour as evidence - "Barbara, I thought I'd call and let you know in advance that we have plans for the dinner leftovers this year - I remember last year you kept asking to take leftovers home so I'm telling you while you have chance to go to the shops to get your own bits in. While we're chatting, it made me uncomfortable last year when you kept asking for my gifts, please don't do that again.
Then on the day, if she does, you can just say "Barbara, we talked about this, no"

She’d rather not be invited if she’s not interested. There you go. But I will caveat that with it sounds like it could be a compulsion. OCD can take many forms.

So you could text…

Dear SIL. We are looking forward to seeing you and BIL at Xmas. )some chit chat here(

I need to make an awkward request. I know you love getting something for nothing and it’s really important to you. The trouble is that I find it really uncomfortable when you ask for our presents if we don’t want them or ask for left overs. It means that I don’t enjoy Christmas as much.

I understand it might be a hard habit to break but I would really appreciate you trying not to ask for things. Also, you once said about X’s dinner that you don’t want to pay for something you are not interested in and you’d rather not be invited. If this is one of those events you are not interested in then please don’t feel you have to come.

I’m going to set a new household rule. Nobody takes any leftovers home and our gifts are not going to be passed on. I hope this helps you to relax rather than looking out for what freebies you might get. Looking forward to spending time with you both.

OP I’m not sure if that helps but if you do send something similar be aware it might cause a rift. Check with DH first as it’s his brother. If you do send it you can say ‘remember the house rules’ and smile and have some things in mind to move the conversation on.

I would turn it around and comment to BIL . When she asks for a gift "oh BIL maybe you can treat you wife to the same " when she asks for left overs " oh BIL you need to start buying more food your wife is going hungry at home "
Turn everything to BIL make him embarrassed.

This! Be terribly blunt when she does it. If she tells other guests to stop eating - “SIL, please STOP doing that. Everyone is welcome to eat as much as they like. Besides the leftovers are for me to enjoy seeing as I cooked it!”

“Stop asking for my presents you weirdo! Are you going to give me some of yours?”

if she does anything a third time, say to them they will have to go home as their behaviour is spoiling the day.

My Step mums sister was like this. I once watched with an open mouth as she picked up the present I'd literally just given my dad and walked off with it to her room! no asking just taking.

I told my dad and he rolled his eyes and said he'd get it back.

I also found the CF rooting through my cupboards when she was brought over for a visit once. She was never invited again.

I challenged my Step mum on the behaviour years later and she said 'well maybe she was just curious'. I said 'does that mean I can root through her stuff then?!'.

Interestingly it didn't seem to work both ways and she seemed quite aghast at the suggestion.

Odd family to be honest that I'm slowly fading out after 30 odd years of putting up with.

wow. It’s is not BIL responsibility to manage her behaviour. She’s not his pet. OP needs to talk to her directly.

I was going to say similar. A single word or short phrase on repeat: 'No' or 'Stop it' or 'Rude'.

or literally play deaf. Don't acknowledge, not even with a nod or eye contact. But ensure anything she wants you to save her for later gets handed around the table until it is all gone. If she whines I'd go as far as saying 'Shut up'. Rude people should be able to cope with rude responses.

Just act as if she hasn't said anything. No looking her way, no uncomfortable "no". If she tries to monitor who wants what to eat just tell people to fill their boots. Let all her comments fail to land. If she tries to claim things at the end just tell her that that's not happening any more.

You could try preempting her comments.

For example, when you sit down to eat say that everyone should tuck in, eat till their full but you have plans for the leftovers so no doggy bags this year.

When it comes to exchanging gifts say that you hope people enjoy the gifts specifically chosen for them and, if you’ve got children, remind them to say thank you.

I’d also prepare some responses:
We’re looking forward to seeing what we’ll make out of leftovers and have some ideas - bubble and squeak variations, turkey curry, a buffet with extras added.
As for gifts, lie if necessary and say what a thoughtful gift and gush how much you like it so her comments would sound rude.

Or, play her at her own game. Serve up and say don’t forget ‘Donna’ is expecting leftovers so don’t eat too much! And laugh. Say to her the same thing she says to you with each present she opens.

Or, take her to one side before the day and explain how it makes you feel when she does those things and then wait for her to respond. Don’t fill the silence.

We had a relative a bit like this, not as extreme as asking people not to eat food but definitely didn't want to pay for anything when out and it was totally joy sucking and miserable. Xmas is utterly miserable with her because she panics that she may spend something (certainly not gifts that's for sure).

This time as pp said whatever she says firmly counter it. I'd even say if she persists.. Your ruining my Christmas please stop.

Definitely do not invite her next time

Ooo. Alternatively you could say. ‘Yes, of course you can have X for £££££££ but I’d need paying upfront!’ - joking not joking

I agree.

If you go out for a meal then say to the waiter she’ll be paying separately and make sure she hears!

At home just do a big laugh if she asks for something or say er No? And then laugh. I doubt she’d be more embarrassed she’s embarrassing already! Who cares

I'd also so that it's probably best to go down the road of making a more public comment then asking her to not say it in advance.
Oftentimes people need to be publicly shamed to change their behaviour so some of the comments that PP have suggested such as "don't be so silly, of course not" will work well.

The BIL doesn’t want anyone to say anything as it embarrasses her??

I’d be going out of my way to embarrass her by highlighting her utter scrounging weirdness at every comment. “Why on earth do you say stuff like that?” “Why are you asking for my presents when I’m opening them?” “I didn’t make Christmas lunch so you could take it all home for yourself.” “What’s wrong with you? Why are you constantly asking to keep everything for yourself?”

I’d leave each remark hanging in the air too.

I think it is fine to say in advance that there won’t be any doggy bags and you are keeping all gifts - and frame it as if you’re giving themtime to get their own things

BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed.

She sounds openly shameless about her behaviour so how does she get embarrassed?

I like the 'don't complain, don't explain' method, every time she starts to ask for something, cut her off with a "no!" and carry on talking. The shot method is a brilliant one too though 🤣

This should have been sorted out ages ago not 2 days before Christmas.

Let them come and deal with it ... that would be rude to give away a gift somebody has bothered to buy me.

Eat as much as you like folks, x is just teasing.
Do not give her leftovers to take ... tell her you have bought the food and what is left us going in the freezer.
Straight after Christmas your husband needs to tell his brother that you are having a smaller Christmas next year.

SIL has the hide of a rhino and clearly wouldn't be bothered by not being there. BIL rightly gets embarrassed by her behaviour but the ball needs to be in his court. Either he attends family events solo, neither of them come or he makes it clear to her that he wants to go to things as a couple so she needs to behave. Whether she alters her behaviour is entirely down to her.

For all OP knows this may be a deliberate plan (alongside her attitude at the dinner) by SIL to get herself excluded from family events and she is hoping to provoke someone into banning her from events.

The fact is if she doesn't stop this bizarre behaviour, she can't come without someone being upset. Why should it be you, yet again, and in your own home at Christmas ffs? Will your DH back you up? The email upthread, giving her prewarning and the option not to come, was well worded. I'd try that and tell the others to put up or shut up.

me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed
She doesn't behave like someone who gets embarrassed. She seems shameless.

Except this and many other suggestions, will make other guests feel awkward, too. Likewise discussing ones own plans for the leftovers will make everyone feel that they shouldn't eat too much.

I'd simply go with a text beforehand saying to make sure that they have food in for boxing day, as there won't be any leftovers going home with them.

The resent thing can simply be met by 'no' and a refusal to engage or give eye contact.