To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

[Addyview]

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

Ooooooh no.

• Get DH (as its his brothers wife!) to speak to his brother and tell him either she stops doing it or it will be called out. If he can't then he has the option for them not to attend.
• 'I already have plans for any leftovers thankyou!'
• 'Please don't put people off eating their meals, it's rude!'
• 'I like a bargain or a freebie as much as the next person, but not when it means ripping off my own family!'
• 'Piss off and buy your own'

These should see you through if they do attend.

I cannot believe the brass neck of the pair of them, her for the constant scrounging, and him for the 'oh no don't call her out on her obnoxious behaviour, she'll be embarrassed'. Perhaps she needs embarrassing so she'll stop doing it!

@Addyview Treat her like the entitled child she's behaving like:

"Can I have the gift if you don't like it?"

• Well, Lola, would you please let me see what it is first? And if you like it you can wish for the same for your birthday or next christmas.

"I'm taking the leftovers home. Don't eat all of it!"

• That's not polite Lola. Everyone here can and should eat all they want and as for the leftovers it's the host who decides who gets what so I would recommend for you to stop claiming or you won't get any at all.

The trick is to transform her into the entitled child/teen she's acting like in your head and "educate" that child gently but firmly when she's lacking in manners.

"Please don't embarrass yourself by asking. The answer is no"

Make it clear to both of them that her behaviour last year ruined the day, and that if there is any repetition this year and you will be asking them to leave immediately.

Which would make this year weird - but who is actually there on the day, just your two families? Do they have children?

Or you could serve hers up and tell her to eat in the kitchen if she can't behave like a civilised adult at the table. (or would she spend time in the kitchen packing up the contents of your cupboards?

If she is not embarrassed about it

when she asks

joke, no, we are eating it all up and left overs are going to next doors dog as he has first dibs

presents, say oh no, I’m taking to the charity shop if I ever grow tired of it, I’ll let you know which charity shop though

or no you can get you mits of this it’s adorable, I’m not letting this out of my sight

Maybe just ignoring her would work. Don’t respond in any way when she says these things and pointedly carry on talking to other people.

I think it’s too late to cancel this year, as it would leave them in the lurch regarding buying their own food. But sending her a message beforehand as @Dontsparethehorses suggests would be ideal.

As to why UK women are on MN at 5am, it’s striking that most of us are at opposite ends of the female life cycle, either feeding babies or unable to sleep because of the menopause.

Edited to add: there does seem to be some kind of MH issue here. Or is it that this started as a joke and she just keeps on with it?

Food - no we are eating the leftovers tomorrow
Presents - I am donating these to the women's refuge

Why can’t you speak to BIL and get him to tell her to behave? It sounds like you have a good relationship with him and he’s already aware of the problem. Say he either speaks to her or they don’t come.

Bloody hell, that is appalling behaviour. She should feel embarrassed about it.

Tell BIL that if he doesn't tell her to knock it off beforehand (or if he does and the message doesn't sink in), you'll tell her yourself.

So when she starts, you just say, "SIL, stop claiming everything, it's unspeakably rude. We almost uninvited you this year because of it but we decided to give you one last chance and asked BIL to tell you to stop. Obviously that didn't work, so now I'm telling you. Stop trying to claim everyone else's food and presents, or next year you can sort yourselves out at Christmas because you won't be invited back here."

You tell it’s the school holidays.

As I discovered from a wise mnetter many years ago on here.....

NO is a complete sentence.

The bloody cheek of it

I’d head her off as soon as she walks in the door. “Merry Christmas Brenda, and before you ask, no you can’t take any food home with you and no you can’t have any of my presents, so don’t ask.”

Then, “I already told you no, Brenda. Do you not remember?” As often as necessary.

What's she like in regards to gift giving?

5.05 is a perfectly reasonable time to be awake!

When she starts asking about taking food home, say "sorry SIL, we're not sending any food home with people this year. Everything is for eating now, or we'll enjoy any leftovers tomorrow"

And then anytime she asks say "cheeky! We're not doing food parcels this year, remember!"

Get DH onside so you're presenting a united front.

She has a minor mental health issue.
Don't embarress her.
Forget about it; put all the past instances behind you.
Do not take it to heart.
Start afresh every minute and answer ..

"I'm so glad you love it/enjoyed it, thank you!
Sorry, no, I'm using that tomorrow for lunch.
Would you like the recipe?"
Always have a light hearted answer to diffuse her comment.

Another thing you could do is to prepare her a small recipe book, listing all the dishes of the day. Get your kids to make one for her. Or have a festive little cake box (surprise) with a couple of left overs in it for her car trip home.

It's just her quirky personality.

I had a similar experience with my cousin who hosted Xmas one year.

She measured out everyone’s Christmas lunch portions so her and her husband would have enough left over for bubble and squeak the next day 🤣

We each ended up with a single roast potato each and a sliver of meat + microscopic dabs of trimmings. She then wrapped up an actual mountain of leftover food and said there will be no seconds. Everyone was too shocked to say anything.

Awful cousin severed herself three Yorkshire puddings though while we were all restricted to one 😒

What do they bring as their contribution to the festivities

Tell her before she comes. It’s not good enough challenging her at the time-if someone told me not to have a second helping because they wanted it later, I’d feel really awkward even if the hosts told me to ignore her. It’s not fair on other guests.
She sounds a nightmare op, you must be really patient to have put up with her this long.

I do t know why pp are being so kind.

Don't explain why she can't take stuff! That just means she'll ask again. You need to be fucking outraged!!

I think I too would get DH to have a word with his dB. It's his side of the family so his responsibility initially. Tell him you have been considering refunding the invitation and see what he says.

If he dismissed again tell him that you won't hold back this year to save her blushes, then they have the choice to come or not.

If they then still come AND she still does her vulcher routine, then perfect an exasperated look. Glare intensely at DB and say a short sharp NO. Double points if you can stage whisper 'shes doing it AGAIN' to DH. If you have other guests present I would laugh and say. 'SIL is a right scrounger! Keep an eye on your bags and gifts hahaha.'

For my own sanity I would also make a bingo card but I can't stand this kind of behaviour.

Another option. Take a shot everytime she does it. Tell everyone else 'she said it, SHOT!!' every time. Then you'll be to drunk to care about your manners and you can tell her to get the fuck of your left overs.

I'd definitely be telling her upfront so you don't need to call her out on the day. If she insists on still doing it have a snappy cone back and practice your tinkly laugh, something like watch your heads everyone the vulture is in full force again

I honestly can't believe what I'm reading. I've never seen anyone behave like this in my life and think it's absolutely ridiculous. The woman is bizarre and her husband is enabling her. I'm flabbergasted.

@user1492757084
Are you SIL? there's nothing quirky or funny about this behaviour. it's beyond rude and deranged.
Quirky to expect to take other people's gifts? to get everything for free?
Have a word with yourself and stop excusing horrible behaviour.

She sounds extremely rude.
BIL asks you not to say anything to her incase she gets embarrassed ?
What about him..isn't he embarrassed by her behaviour ,?
And as for telling other guest that they can't have second helpings..id be shouting ' ignore gobby everyone. Food is there to be eaten .

Iv been awake since 2am.. osteoarthritis in knees and the pain woke up

You didn't do anything wrong, a happy Christmas shouldn't be affected, a brand new Christmas gift can't be given to her, she's just too inconsiderate, better to wait for a more suitable occasion to invite her.