bedtime for teens. who is being unreasonable

[elfshenanigans]

DH has a stressful job and needs his sleep. I work part time but still stressful. I am also the primary carer for our DC (teens with SN, aged 15 and 17). I do almost all the school runs, cooking, cleaning etc. DH gets up early to go to the office gym and he needs his sleep. He doesn't like if the DC and I watch TV or are up late. He demands that all phones are off by 9 pm and that everyone (including me) is in bed. It causes regular arguments. The DC are off school now for Xmas and I was watching a movie with DC1 and we had to stop. Is this normal? I think it's too early esp in the school hols. What is normal for others?

Edited because I realised I had read some comments wrong. What was his behaviour like when you met? Was he like this then? How long has this gone on for?

I got to nearly 60 before I was diagnosed with ADHD an am on the list for an autism assessment

Insisting people are fine if they get to a certain age without a test is not ok

I was most definitely not fine

As others have said, I would just not tolerate being told what to do nor the atmosphere he is creating on purpose to control you. I would have a conversation that you've thought about it and don't find it acceptable - provide ear plugs and an eye mask, advise you will all try to keep it down out of respect that he is sleeping but otherwise he will have to figure out how to cope.

So you genuinely thought it was normal for husbands to give a bed time to their partners? How many people do you know that have said this happens?

Quiet after 9 is kind of reasonable. Everything else is controlling and vile.

OP, that isn’t normal behaviour. It’s controlling. He should not dictate the bedtimes of everyone in the house. The kids are not far off being adults now, and you are an adult!
And threatening to leave work if he can’t get his sleep is just horrible behaviour. This isn’t a nice man.

This is something I hate too OP. Even if your husband is on the spectrum (and nothing you’ve said indicates that imo) his behaviour is abusive and controlling. 2 of my 3 children are on the spectrum and they do not behave this way. I’m almost definitely autistic myself and so is my husband and we don’t either. I don’t know anyone who is ND who does, at least not because of their ND.

Does he frighten you? Are you scared of how he will react if you break his ridiculous rules? Is it more that it’s a horrible atmosphere in the home if you do? How do your children feel about him? Either way it’s no way to live. I really hope that you decide enough is enough and seek some help to end this relationship in 2025. The feeling of freedom when you get away from someone like this and have made a new life for yourself without them is the best there is.

I'd say reasonable on a week night everyone is in their rooms fairly quiet by 10.30.

I wouldn't cater to this.

This is so nasty. You identify abusive relationship in your first sentence and then go on to call people doormats, desperate and embarrassing? Do you really not know anything about domestic abuse at all? Do you think women choose to stay because they like being unhappy? Have you ever thought about there being a bigger picture?

No way I’d put up with that. That’s insane

He sounds like a controlling wan**r

I don’t know why suggesting the DH is in some way ND is wrong. That’s a question to ask from their family history of ND plus his possibly anxious rigidity of behaviour requiring silence accompanied by ‘agitation’.

Might mean if he is open to thinking he might be, that he tries some relevant mitigation strategies in different parts of his life to see if they help to reduce his anxiety at night at home.

if he chooses to seek a diagnosis the blame for anyone else’s waiting time isn’t with him, it’s with years of governments who haven’t funded health services properly. Suggesting people don’t seek help because the system is overloaded doesn’t actually fix the system. Fixing that’s a voting issue every 5 years.

I don’t understand the logic of OP saying her kids are really nice so implying her husband can’t have ND. The features and problems that necessitate diagnosis aren’t about being really nice or not. It doesn’t mean you’re not a nice person if you’re also autistic, say.

But it might well mean that if you’re autistic with sensory issues and you’re placed in let’s say an environment that you perceive to be too noisy then you will find it unbearably hard to cope with hearing it and will try what you can to control the source of the noise: And you might be furious at the person you feel is making unreasonable noise and not accept their right to make it because it after 9pm. You might only be able to cope with stress by living by a lot of rules internally.

But, the key point isn’t actually whether the DH merits or seeks a diagnosis. it’s whether the DH shows the flexibility to give OP abd their DC the freedom they need to live comfortably with him. If he can’t, then it’s dealbreaking behaviour whether he has ND or whether he’s NT and a controlling bully. It’s OK not to stay with a partner if they are negatively impacting your or your DC’s life.

The bigger picture is the op has 2 children and she's not protecting them against an abuser i will never have any sympathy for grown adults who don't put their children first and allow their children to live in these environments

Sticking the boot in doesn't really help

If you don't understand abusive relationships, why don't you just say that?
This is a lot of words to say 'I'm a victim blamer'

I do understand it from the child perspective

Some people need a reality check

How long has this been going on?

Come on op, firstly huge hugs but read back what you wrote, do you not find it insane? Talk to him and tell him no way, he can’t tell you what to do! Blaring drum and bass music into the Dawn fair enough but a film?!

Your husband is an abusive prick.

Even if he is neurodivergent as some have suggested, he is still an abusive prick. It is not OK to force an entire family to go to bed on command. It's insane to send a pair of teenagers to bed at 9pm, and even more insane to expect a partner to do the same.

How on earth can you bear to live with this man?

@elfshenanigans he may be ND, he may not be, but it’s not really relevant here. I am ND and really struggle with noise, but I don’t dictate other people’s bedtimes because I’m not a controlling, selfish bully.

One can be ND and ALSO a thoroughly nasty piece of work. One can hate noise and be NT. It’s not an excuse either way - as my gran liked to say ‘being a dick is an equal opportunities activity’ 😆

What a controlling, unreasonable creature. I'm often first to bed (I get up earliest to train before I start work). Our house is very open plan and the smallest noise can be heard throughout the house, so I wear earplugs to bed. If my partner wishes to read in bed, I use a sleep mask/ blackout eye masky thing. It's my choice to go to bed first, just like it's his choice in your household.

I forgot to ask what he was like when DCs were little, waking up in the night, what was he like then? Did he complain, make things difficult etc..

It sounds like coercive control to me, getting angry because you won’t do something unreasonable and enforcing stupid rules. I’d leave.

YANBU

Your husband sounds weird - my dad used to get up at 4 to go to work. He didn't care what time we all went up. Extremely odd behaviour.

I'd be telling your husband to piss off! Insist he gets up later