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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

bedtime for teens. who is being unreasonable

203 replies

elfshenanigans · 22/12/2024 21:47

DH has a stressful job and needs his sleep. I work part time but still stressful. I am also the primary carer for our DC (teens with SN, aged 15 and 17). I do almost all the school runs, cooking, cleaning etc. DH gets up early to go to the office gym and he needs his sleep. He doesn't like if the DC and I watch TV or are up late. He demands that all phones are off by 9 pm and that everyone (including me) is in bed. It causes regular arguments. The DC are off school now for Xmas and I was watching a movie with DC1 and we had to stop. Is this normal? I think it's too early esp in the school hols. What is normal for others?

OP posts:
Brainstorm23 · 22/12/2024 22:18

Tell him to quit his job then.

Or he could stop being an absolute arsehole and buy a pair of these.

www.soundcore.com/uk/products/sleep-a20-sleeping-earbuds

Tootiredmummyof3 · 22/12/2024 22:19

Are you scared of him? Is he abusive in other ways? I only ask because I can't see any other reason why you wouldn't say I will go to bed when I want and insist on a reasonable bedtime for your children. My teens don't have a bedtime and haven't since they were 14..
He is being really unreasonable. Why does he have to go to the gym before work? It sounds like another excuse to be a controlling twat.
Tell him to leave work if he wants, bet he won't!

AngelontopoftheTree · 22/12/2024 22:19

I don't understand why you put up with this?
It's not likely that you live in a one-room place with the TV etc... in the same room that you all sleep in.
He's a horrible, bullying, man!

purpleblue2 · 22/12/2024 22:21

is he for real? It’s not your fault or problem but the fact you’ve allowed this to happen up until now is part of the problem you should never of settled for this bizarre rule. To go to bed yourself at 9 is okay but to expect the rest of your house to do so is insane. Especially at the age of 15/17.

Franjipanl8r · 22/12/2024 22:22

What the hell, your DH tells you when to sleep?! Does he tell you when to eat or go to the toilet as well?!

lightsandtunnels · 22/12/2024 22:22

Goodness OP this is not good. His behaviour is controlling. I totally understand his need for quiet and he needs his sleep but his demands that you are not allowed to watch TV after 9pm are totally unreasonable.
How would he react to you suggesting black out blinds, ear plugs, eye mask, white noise - for him to help him sleep?
Is he controlling in other aspects of family life; food, days out, you going out etc?
Sounds like a sit down discussion is needed, when neither of you are tired, when you are both calm to try to find a way to resolve this. It won't get any easier as your DCs get older and go out with friends and basically grow up! All normal, natural situations for family life. I think its something that really needs to be sorted. I think it might become a deal (marriage) breaker for me if it continued.

samqueens · 22/12/2024 22:22

Strongly recommend that you search and out and read (in complete privacy) the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. (You can find it online). I think it will answer every question you might have about this particular behaviour and others you hadn’t even clicked as an issue.

I am absolutely sure that caring for your children over many years has taken a huge amount of your time, energy and focus. It’s hard to use energy you don’t have dealing with problems that aren’t in the “urgent and crucial” category. But one person guilt tripping (“I need my sleep”) and threatening (“I will leave my job”) the rest of you because he wants to impose his will on the household is unacceptable.

I imagine he was absolutely zero help when your children were babies because he needed his sleep then as well…

If you take a moment to look at this dispassionately you might conclude that, never mind ignoring the bedtime he has designated for you all, you’d be better off splitting up… He can then live by himself in serene quiet (and continue to work, as his sleep will not be impacted by his family’s presence). You and your children can have a chance to discover your own preferences without kowtowing to the household bully.

Purpleturtle46 · 22/12/2024 22:23

That is absolutely not normal and extremely controlling. He can go to bed and of course everyone should try to keep it down but to insist everyone else goes to bed is bonkers.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/12/2024 22:24

Why can't he sleep if everyone else doesn't Hand over their phones and stop all noise?

That's what you need to find out to work out the solution, because this, clearly, is batshit abuse.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/12/2024 22:24

AngelontopoftheTree · 22/12/2024 22:19

I don't understand why you put up with this?
It's not likely that you live in a one-room place with the TV etc... in the same room that you all sleep in.
He's a horrible, bullying, man!

To be fair, they might, the op hasn't said what it is that stops him sleeping.

DowntonNabby · 22/12/2024 22:25

elfshenanigans · 22/12/2024 22:13

He got angry and I am sleeping downstairs on the sofa. I hear him snoring.

Show quote history

Does he tiptoe around the house in the morning before he leaves for work so he doesn’t wake you and your DC, or is the rule just a one-way thing?

AngelontopoftheTree · 22/12/2024 22:26

arethereanyleftatall · 22/12/2024 22:24

To be fair, they might, the op hasn't said what it is that stops him sleeping.

Show quote history

You're right, they could. But I'm not getting Charlie Bucket vibes!

... but she does say she's currently sleeping downstairs on the sofa - so not a 1- room place.

K0OLA1D · 22/12/2024 22:26

Me and dp are in bed now. Dp is watching his tablet and I am reading. I have to be up to start work at 7 and our dc, 13 and nearly 11, have until half 9 on school nights, in bed lights out and half 11 weekends and holidays. They're both upstairs in ds2s room playing fortnite

PiperLeo · 22/12/2024 22:28

Phh! 11yo goes to bed at 9, 14yo 10 on weekdays. Both at 11 on holidays and weekends. I go to bed whenever I damn well please. It's his problem that he "needs" to go to the gym in the morning. Piss off pal! Get some headphones or white noise or something and get over yourself!

OP that's no way to live. It's like your dad telling you when to be in bed.

CFbillsplitter · 22/12/2024 22:28

What time does he get up at? How long is he in the gym? Every morning? What time does he start and finish work? How long is his commute? (It doesn’t matter really, he is being oppressive).

Feelingsad1987 · 22/12/2024 22:29

At that age their melatonin isn't kicking in until 12/1am so realistically they're not going to go to bed at 9pm. Also when do you get an evening? 9pm is usually when I sit down and relax.

Justgivemeaminuteplease · 22/12/2024 22:30

elfshenanigans · 22/12/2024 21:50

He gets really agitated and threatens to leave work as he cannot cope without his sleep (he knows I cannot extend my hours due to caring so will give in as we are shafted without his income) :(

Show quote history

This sounds like coercive control.

I understand that you believe you financially cannot afford to leave, but you will find a way.

You sound like a loving and hardworking mum. Your kids and you deserve better than this giant bully.

❤️

Ineffable23 · 22/12/2024 22:30

So my baseline is that 9pm is much too early for him to insist the house is quiet by.

If it was later - 10:30 say, I think it would be more reasonable. Equally if you are watching booming action films with surround sound and there's no hope of him getting to sleep that's not particularly considerate but you wouldn't be doing that every night and that has to be possible sometimes.

If you want to be up later than he does, would there be any way he could switch his gym routine so he goes in the evenings? Then he wouldn't need to be up so early, and you guys would be able to watch films/stay up without disturbing him?

If not, a compromise where he uses a white noise machine or similar may have to be the answer. Because a curfew of 9pm for you all can't be the answer.

ThinWomansBrain · 22/12/2024 22:30

Go to bed at 9,
watch TV, read a book or listen to the radio.

it's not even the "stressful" job - he WANTS to go to the gym in the morning.
Although if he is this wound up about controlling everyone,, he probably finds everything stressful.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/12/2024 22:32

Op. I know you got upset at the ND tangent at the beginning of the thread, but it would be in your interest to come back as it is highly likely that this is one of a whole pile of things that you (and your children) will really need mumnsetters support and guidance for.

Doubledded123 · 22/12/2024 22:32

My two teens are up gaming till past midnight. Your teens friends must think their dad is a joke. Is your sexlife any good? Cos thi controlling wanker would have me walking away. Sorry? Heforces your kidsto bed at 9?
What z joke, your poor kids.
Tell him todo one and get out of the stupid gym habit.

dreamingbohemian · 22/12/2024 22:33

So then he's abusive, tell him to get fucked

It might be reasonable to ask for quiet, he can't demand you all go to bed, lights out!

The fact that neither of you can see how clearly unreasonable this is, is concerning.

Bowies · 22/12/2024 22:33

He’s a controlling dick and completely self obsessed. He is part of a family and needs to fit in with everyone else and also be contributing at home. If he lived alone he would still need to clean and cook, not just pitch up to the gym and work. He should also be supporting the DC, not just leaving it all to you, very poor role modelling for them apart from anything.

Lots of people have to get up early and have stressful jobs, he’s not special. He doesn’t get to control bedtimes of you as an adult. 9pm is early for a 17 year old to be asleep, especially on holidays. You should be able to stay up and watch a film if you want to or play games, you are not exactly throwing all night parties.

Elizo · 22/12/2024 22:33

elfshenanigans · 22/12/2024 21:47

DH has a stressful job and needs his sleep. I work part time but still stressful. I am also the primary carer for our DC (teens with SN, aged 15 and 17). I do almost all the school runs, cooking, cleaning etc. DH gets up early to go to the office gym and he needs his sleep. He doesn't like if the DC and I watch TV or are up late. He demands that all phones are off by 9 pm and that everyone (including me) is in bed. It causes regular arguments. The DC are off school now for Xmas and I was watching a movie with DC1 and we had to stop. Is this normal? I think it's too early esp in the school hols. What is normal for others?

is this serious? He makes an adult and two teens go to bed at 9pm. Go to sleep with ear plugs

angelcake20 · 22/12/2024 22:34

HRTFT but this is bonkers. I often go to bed 2 hours after DH as I get up later and need less sleep. I would probably moan if DC weren't in bed by 2.00 generally in the holidays but that's it.