bedtime for teens. who is being unreasonable

[elfshenanigans]

DH has a stressful job and needs his sleep. I work part time but still stressful. I am also the primary carer for our DC (teens with SN, aged 15 and 17). I do almost all the school runs, cooking, cleaning etc. DH gets up early to go to the office gym and he needs his sleep. He doesn't like if the DC and I watch TV or are up late. He demands that all phones are off by 9 pm and that everyone (including me) is in bed. It causes regular arguments. The DC are off school now for Xmas and I was watching a movie with DC1 and we had to stop. Is this normal? I think it's too early esp in the school hols. What is normal for others?

We have a 15yr old foster child who is not allowed electronics in their bedroom or unsupervised. We also have a 12 yr old birth child and a 5yr old foster (bed at 6:30pm) Due to my husband also being a paramedic and needing time to discuss our day/kids/social work meeting we take phones at 8pm for 15 and 12 yr olds and send them upstairs for 8:30pm. They don't have to sleep but they do need to give us some time. However my husband would never expect me to be in bed or demand anything like that from me. That's a whole different kettle of fish.

Both DC are ND. I know a lot about it. As I said a dozen times, he is NT.

He demands that all phones are off by 9 pm and that everyone (including me) is in bed

Fuck that

I am so sorry OP that people are equating an abusive controlling arse with being ND. But he is an awful abusive arse

So he’s just plain abusive then…

But autism is hereditary, and he is demonstrating extremely rigid behaviour. We are trying to work out if he needs support or is just a twat.

DD is autistic and is the loveliest person you'll meet I'm well aware that autistic people are not horrible he is however demonstrating extreme rigid behaviour without the social nuance that others might not want to follow his rules and unless your boys are adopted then it didn't come from thin air and is being suggested as it might be worth following up to improve family harmony.

Whatever may be the cause, he is a pr*ck. Leaving aside the children, you are an adult and you can do what you like. He has sleep issues on top of stress issues and he needs to deal with both. I wouldn't have tolerated that set up for even one night, I can't believe he had the gall to suggest it. Is he generally q controlling?

Whether he is ND or not is irrelevant - he is being a twat. Being ND is not a get out of jail free card to be twat.

No. But people are wondering because of his rigidity, not his unkindness

But you HAVE to stand up to him - for all of you. Get him earplugs and keep reminding him that you are an adult and equal parent.

If he doesn't like it then he can find another solution.

But is he controlling over other things?

This is bonkers OP. Fuck that. What time does he get up?

My dc ages 7 and 9 went to bed 20 minutes ago! I'll be up for a couple more hours yet.

You’ve not said what happens if you refuse to go to bed @elfshenanigans - what does agitated and overbearing look like?

You clearly know his behaviour isn't healthy or normal. What will he do now you've broken the rules? Still up AND on your phone? Will he be angry?

Do you feel safe, OP?

Nobody tells me, a grown ass woman, what time to go to bed, what time to put my phone away - anything, frankly. I’m always open to compromise and understanding and coming to something mutually agreeable. A diktat? No.

Definitely not just because someone wants to go to the gym. He can fuck right off with that.

Your D.C. will make their opinions known in due time.

I’m furious for you. Truly.

This doesn't sound like ND rigidity to me; it sounds like abusive, controlling behaviour.

Op, I recommend reading "In Control" by Jane Monckton Smith and seeing if the behaviours she describe resonate with your experience.

That’s absolutely crazy OP. Seriously so out of order and not normal whatsoever.

tv off by 9 would be weird
no phone after 9 is controlling
lights off by 9: are you in prison????

Your DH is a controlling bully. Simple as. No decent, respectful person, man or woman, would demand their partner or teenage children are in bed at 9.00pm every night, or indeed any night.

If you are able to, tell him that neither yourself or your children will be giving in to his demand going forward. If he says he’s going to quit his job, just ignore. He won’t give up his job.

Is there noise that is keeping him awake? If so, then mitigate the noise. If not, he is being unreasonable.

He got angry and I am sleeping downstairs on the sofa. I hear him snoring.

I'm concerned for you but more so the kids. This is appalling.

@elfshenanigans You don't need to live like this but controlling men can be dangerous when women try to end a relationship.
Think about contacting Women's Aid.

I had a friend whose father was like this. If she wanted to study for her exams after 9pm she had to use a candle. (Not kidding.)

Her mother had died. In the end, she was placed in foster care. She did well in her exams and made it to uni.

I ageee with you about the predictable ‘is he NT’ comments.

His behaviour is not ok, I would absolutely hate that.

Some people with severe and intractable insomnia can become very controlling about their environment but that is a symptom of the illness, not an excuse.

either Way you should not have to tolerate it. Yes, he can slavishly follow his own schedules; yes, he can switch all lights off at 9pm, but no, he can’t make everyone else fall into line.

What does it look like when he gets angry? What will tomorrow be like? What do you think would happen if you went and got in bed in an hour?
Just trying to help you really explore whats going on

LTB.