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AIBU?

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Original poster

bedtime for teens. who is being unreasonable

203 replies

elfshenanigans · 22/12/2024 21:47

DH has a stressful job and needs his sleep. I work part time but still stressful. I am also the primary carer for our DC (teens with SN, aged 15 and 17). I do almost all the school runs, cooking, cleaning etc. DH gets up early to go to the office gym and he needs his sleep. He doesn't like if the DC and I watch TV or are up late. He demands that all phones are off by 9 pm and that everyone (including me) is in bed. It causes regular arguments. The DC are off school now for Xmas and I was watching a movie with DC1 and we had to stop. Is this normal? I think it's too early esp in the school hols. What is normal for others?

OP posts:
VivaVivaa · 22/12/2024 22:34

I was literally still at work at 9pm tonight, and will be up at 6:30am tomorrow to go back to work…

My dad was like you describe. Demanded the whole house conformed to his schedule, with complete silence and everyone in bed when he wanted to sleep because of his Big Job (which wasn’t even that big). Let me guess, your DH was never, ever up with the DC overnight either. It was miserable for everyone and my parents marriage eventually broke down, in part because of it.

leia24 · 22/12/2024 22:34

dreamingbohemian · 22/12/2024 22:33

So then he's abusive, tell him to get fucked

It might be reasonable to ask for quiet, he can't demand you all go to bed, lights out!

The fact that neither of you can see how clearly unreasonable this is, is concerning.

I don't know that its always as simple as being able to tell an abusive man to get fucked. You're missing the power and control elements.

Bumcake · 22/12/2024 22:34

I’m amazed that you and your kids comply with this nonsense. He is a tyrant.

DreamTheMoors · 22/12/2024 22:35

Buy him earplugs and a copy of “How To Adult.”

Honestly, I’d turn the tv up and have a big, loud argument with your kids over what movie you were going to watch.

Nobody is the boss of me. Why is he the boss of you?

OTannenbaumOTannenbaum · 22/12/2024 22:37

elfshenanigans · 22/12/2024 22:06

Both DC are ND. I know a lot about it. As I said a dozen times, he is NT.

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Then he's controlling and abusive.

dreamingbohemian · 22/12/2024 22:37

leia24 · 22/12/2024 22:34

I don't know that its always as simple as being able to tell an abusive man to get fucked. You're missing the power and control elements.

Show quote history

Fair enough, it's not simple

But it's either that or leave because this is no way to live

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/12/2024 22:37

That’s utterly insane. 9 pm is a child’s bedtime - he can’t give you a bedtime at all, and surely very few adults would be ready to sleep at 9 pm.

If he chooses to, as he likes to get up early, that’s up to him, but he can’t rule what everyone else does, esp not you.

I wouldn’t expect my 10 yo to go to bed at that sort of time in the holidays, never mind teens and an adult. My teen is sensible about bedtimes and I’d call her a “lark” by nature, but she goes to bed about 10.30, not mid evening!

Strikingitlucky · 22/12/2024 22:39

My Dd's are 10 and 12.
As it's the christmas holidays we are pretty laid back with bedtime times. Individually we are so so busy with work, uni, after school clubs and everything else in between so me my hubby and our girls love nothing more than putting a christmas film on for around 8pm armed with blankets snacks and catching up with all the things we done over the last several weeks. Our girls don't go to bed till around 11pm.
What happens if you and your teens suggest an evening activity and not home till late in the evening? Does it end up in a row? For example, we are going ice skating tomorrow at winter wonderland and we won't be home till at least 10pm.
Sorry but it isn't fair what your DH is doing and it may cause your teens to miss out.

ExceededUsefulEconomicLife · 22/12/2024 22:39

It's too much. I normally go to bed at nine to get up for the gym. No one else in the house does and no one else gets told what to do.

It is common courtesy to not be loud when someone is in bed, whatever time of day it is but his request goes far beyond that.

DH went to bed earlier than me tonight and has just told DD off for making too much noise but she was being very inconsiderate so, it's fair. She seems to wait just until we are drifting to sleep and laugh loudly or open a door and slam it. She's now gone downstairs so the noise doesn't travel so much.

Ear buds are hard to sleep in so I don't blame him for that but it should be fine for everyone to just be quiet.

Dodgydodgydodgy · 22/12/2024 22:40

Perfectly normal if you live in a PRISON!

Devilsmommy · 22/12/2024 22:41

ChaosHol1 · 22/12/2024 21:58

Oh how I'd laugh if my dh tried to tell me when to go to bed. Tell him to get some earplugs which is what I do when I have work the next day and the kids are off.

I'd be pmsl and telling my DH to fuck right off if he tried to give me a bedtime. I'm an insomniac so am usually up at all hours. OP you're an adult and your teens are almost adults too. Are you going to let him pull this shit forever?

Puddingrun · 22/12/2024 22:42

I would say his behaviour is bizarre.
My husband and I both work full time (DH is a particularly stressful role) and have kids exactly the same age. We usually start to get them heading towards bed between 10:30 -11pm. At the weekend my 17 year old often goes out to a friend's house and makes his own way home often after 12pm.
I know everyone needs a different amount of sleep and DH often has a nap on the sofa, but would never insist that we were all quiet. You need to get your husband ear plugs and an eye mask for Christmas.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 22/12/2024 22:42

He's being a dick.
Some people (dh, dd) are early birds.
Some are night owls (me,ds).

During the week/term time we force ourselves into the timetables that school and work dictate, but it only takes a long weekend for us to revert to our natural preferences. We do have a rule of "no music practice" after 9.30 pm though.
(We live in a detached house).

Snoopydroopy · 22/12/2024 22:45

Is this for real?

shewillbefinestopworrying · 22/12/2024 22:45

He is an absolute WANKER.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 22/12/2024 22:46

What is the actual issue with you all being up later? Can he hear the TV? Or hear you all bustling around when do you eventually go to bed?

I eventually had to 'control' my teens' bedtime (although the curfew was 11pm not 9pm) for these reasons as they were just so bloody loud plus the layout of the house meant I was being disturbed by their every move. I eventually had a mental health episode because of the sleep deprivation.

It might be too late because your DH is definitely showing broader arsehole tendencies, but could you try unpicking the actual problem with him to see if there any other solutions?

lazyarse123 · 22/12/2024 22:47

He is definitely abusive. Op I hope you can find a way out of this, it's not as eady as saying just leave, real life doesn't work like that. But what he us doing is wrong.

dapsnotplimsolls · 22/12/2024 22:49

He can bugger right off. Not just over the bed-times but he chooses to get up early to go the gym.

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 22/12/2024 22:49

elfshenanigans · 22/12/2024 22:00

light needs to be off. Phone downstairs.

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How 'ridicerus' as Tigger might say... your "D"H is being beyond controlling. 9pm is stupidly early, and unless he needs to be up at 4am or something, nobody needs to be in bed at that time every night.

As for dictating your bedtime, you need to push back and say bugger off. How dare he tell you the lights need to be off and phones need to be downstairs?! He "needs" to stop being so controlling and an arse...! 😱🤬

ManchesterLu · 22/12/2024 22:50

It's insane. You can't live your life like that.

Try getting to the bottom of why exactly he can't sleep unless you're all in bed at the same time. Is he a light sleeper so you getting in bed wakes him up? Would ear plugs help? Is there another room he can sleep in when he has to get up early?

I only suggest that as my partner likes staying up later than me, and always ends up waking me up when he comes to bed - no matter how quiet he tries to be. So I end up wide awake again. That's difficult when I have to get up early, so if that happens to your DH I can kind of understand where he's coming from. But you and the teens being in bed and silent by that time every night isn't worth it.

bumblefeline · 22/12/2024 22:52

It's so far removed from normal its bizarre. My husband has a very stressful jobs, early starts, I went to bed at 1am, teens are in and out at all hours. I would be fuming, in fact I''d rather be single.

CautiousLurker01 · 22/12/2024 22:54

elfshenanigans · 22/12/2024 21:50

He gets really agitated and threatens to leave work as he cannot cope without his sleep (he knows I cannot extend my hours due to caring so will give in as we are shafted without his income) :(

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So he’s coercively controlling you all with the threat of leaving his job? Is he controlling about other stuff too?

Tell him to get some ear plugs or go ahead and leave - you and the kids, not his job. I know of no teen that sleeps at 9pm and I, personally, can’t sleep at that time. In addition to being a parent I’ve been both a Scout and Guide leader - what he expects is so outside of the norm as to be unreasonable.

MadmansLibrary · 22/12/2024 22:55

You need to leave him. He's controlling your entire family and you're letting him.

Fascinate · 22/12/2024 22:56

What time does he go to sleep and what time does he get up in the morning? How much sleep does he get, how much does he need?

Does he sleep through? Maybe he has sleep apnea or something that is disrupting his sleep? Or is he trying to get up at an unreasonable time?

More details please 🙏

treesocks23 · 22/12/2024 22:57

My DH is very similar. He has always been super early to bed and super early riser. Very active. I'm the opposite. Night-owl.
He would never do what your DH does and try and make me go to bed at the same time, he knows that would never happen! Holidays can get trickier as there's not always a chill space and he likes to come back early and I like to stay up/out. We work a compromise with that though generally.

He did find it really hard once kids hit teens though. In particular our DS who was going through his gaming phase and was stupidly loud. It created a lot of massive arguments. DH got some brilliant sleep earbuds that play music that really helped. Luckily he tends to go out like a light so that helps. But he really doesn't love that we are all up till very late.
However, the teens have in general got to an age where they are a lot more respectful and so although we are all up, it's not loud.
It's been extremely tricky to navigate and lots of difficult times with it, but, he's never ever expected what your DH has! I can't believe he's trying to say that. My DH did try and say no phones in bedrooms etc etc but soon realised it wasn't going to happen. Would never expect the 9pm bedtime for me though!
Everyone has different sleep patterns so this is totally unreasonable and teens circadian rhythm is wired for later nights.

My DH has since moved to shift work so has had to adapt to sleep whilst I'm on work calls next door, teens getting ready for school etc and he's managed that fine.